Revealing your feelings can be selfish

[Dragonfly01]

I have spent alot of time thinking about this subject of having a crush on someone. I've been going through a serious crush of my own on a work colleague for the last 10 months. This is someone I have worked closely with for over 12 years. We have been good work partners and work friends but for some reason God only knows why some feelings for her woke up inside of me around late July to early August of last year.

 

At that point I started to distance myself from her. That doesn't mean ignoring her or being rude or unprofessional. I distanced myself by no longer initiating conversations that were not necessary for getting work done. I implemented LC which is no unnecessary contact initiated from my side. I would still talk to her about non essential stuff whenever she initiated it. I would no longer pick her as a work partner when I had other options. I would stop doing favors for her unless I am doing favors for other colleagues at the same time. I would decline her offers for rides or the sharing of food.

 

I must congratulate myself because in the last 2 weeks I have created more distance by not looking at her at all. I think I broke my record of going 2 weeks resisting the temptation to look at her even when her back is turned to me. I don't know if she still looks at me or not since I don't look at her anymore to see if she is looking. If she walks in the room my heart jumps and I instantly turn my head the other way. The eyes are the window to the soul and I don't want my eyes revealing what I feel for her.

 

So anyway I am becoming more convinced that any attempt to reveal my feelings to my crush would be selfish. Keeping my feelings private is actually more of an unselfish act because I am being considerate of her feelings and her opinions. It would be selfish of me to tell her how I feel just to fulfill some selfish need of getting it off my chest. If she doesn't feel the same way (probably doesn't) then revealing my feelings could make her feel uncomfortable. It would be inconsiderate to tell my crush how I feel. It is none of her business and it is to her benefit that she not know.

 

I mean if someone had a crush on you and you didn't feel the same way would you want to know about it? Probably not. You would be uncomfortable around them from here on out when you would have been better off being kept ignorant of their feelings.

 

Some might ask what do I have to lose by asking her out on a date. Well there's alot to lose. If you truly appreciate the professional relationships and friendships that you have worked hard for years to build up like I do then telling your crush how you feel risks damaging the friendship or work relationship. This same principle applies to having best friends of the opposite sex that you develop a crush on.

 

If I had a crush on a best female friend of mine I would keep it private because once it is revealed the friendship is no longer the same. She could never trust me again. She would feel uncomfortable and be suspicuous of every interaction I initiate with her from that point forward. She can't help but wonder if I still have a secret intent or agenda to hit on her now that she knows how I feel even if it is no longer my intent to try and date her.

 

So that's why I am doing the right thing to create distance between myself and my coworker crush. There's a good chance she already senses how I feel anyway so any interaction that I initiate with her will be viewed with suspicion on her end. That's why I let her come to me to talk or come to me to ask for help, or other things. Until I get strong evidence that she feels the same way this is the way it will be indefintely. Strong evidence meaning that she would have to send out signals that leave no room to be explained away for something else. So far the signals are too ambiguous. Inviting me to go for coffee or hang out for dinner outside of work is still ambiguous. Coworkers hang out outside of work all the time and don't necessarily have dating or sex in mind.

 

I consider my crush's opinions and feelings to be more important than my own. That's how much I love her. That's part of what inclines me to keep my feelings private. I will probably go to my grave thinking about her and never telling her how I feel. It sucks but her comfort level is a higher priority to me. I am protecting her interests.

 

One of the signs of a good partner is when your partner considers your feelings and opinions and comfort level to be more important than their own. A partner who just wears his feelings on his sleeve without any consideration to the possibility of how such revelations make you feel uncomfortable is a selfish partner. It raises a red flag as to how many other ways they put their own feelings and comfort and opinions as being more important than their partner's. the only reason for 2 people to get together anyway is to serve each other in love. Everything I do should be for the benefit of my significant other. Anytime I fall short of that goal I should expect to get dumped.

 

So that's my analysis of why hiding feelings for a crush is often times best and also if you appreciate the friendship that is already there and don't want to risk damaging it.

[Dragonfly01]

Someone might argue that the friendship or work relationship may not be the same anyway even if I don't verbally reveal my feelings. Maybe it will not be the same or maybe it will but that doesn't mean I should go ahead and play an active role in helping the process of damaging it such as through revealing my feelings verbally.

[d0nnivain]

Because it's in a work context I can't fault your logic. Outside of work, where there is more room for post-disclosure distance going for it is the better option.

[Gloria25]

What I don't get is what "sign" he's looking for from her to determine if she feels the same for him - which doesn't make any sense. He won't even have a coffee or wings with her. In order to find out how she feels for sure, he "has" to take that step to actually do more than being a co-worker.

 

If I like a guy, but we're friends/co-workers, I'm not gonna show him how I feel - much less develop stronger feelings if he's not giving me signals of interest. Especially when I've asked him for a coffee (trying to feel him out) and he turns me down.

 

So, whatever "sign" he's looking for, he probably won't see it cuz even if she's feeling it - she's not gonna put herself out there if he's blowing her off.

 

But, that's not the case here...

 

He has deep seated issues when it comes to women and intimacy and all he does is make up excuses as to why he can't speak to her or what-not. I mean, some people would see her asking him out for a coffee as a "sign" that is positive - yet, he posted here about her having some ulterior motive that was negative to say the least. See, that's his intimacy issues speaking here...on one hand, he wants her - but when it looks like he's gonna get her, he starts making up excuses and/or vilifying her so that he can stop his feelings for her.

 

So, I'll sum it up for ya - he's not gonna tell her how he feels cuz why burden her with his feelings when he has no intention to act on them (dating her). So, I guess you can say he "is" sparing her from hurt.

[Dragonfly01]

Because it's in a work context I can't fault your logic. Outside of work, where there is more room for post-disclosure distance going for it is the better option.

 

Whether it is a work context or volunteer together context or whether she is married or has a relationship or she is a long time best friend there's still alot to lose in sticking your neck out. It isn't just with work. But if you are okay risking losing the friendship that you have taken years to build then by all means go for broke and tell your crush how you feel. Once the secret is out there is no going back and your crush will interpret everything you do from that point forward as trying to hit on them. Who can blame them for feeling uncomfortable? I mean how do they know you aren't holding on to the friendship in the secret hopes of trying to get with them? It is the same reason why friendships with exes usually can't work because you can't really trust the intentions of the ex hanging on to the friendship.

[Gloria25]

I mean how do they know you aren't holding on to the friendship in the secret hopes of trying to get with them?

 

Because, sometimes/some people can't hide what they feel...

 

When you are into someone, the way you look at them, fidget, etc changes - and if they are keen, they pick up on it.

 

I see that a lot with dude...Maybe that's why he gets mean and/or aloof at times - cuz he's trying hard to act like he isn't into me. I do the same thing at times, when I do get a chance to cross paths with him, I try to play it off like I'm cool and calm and this is just a casual convo with dude.

 

Like the "mirroring"...it's like he can't help liking me - but, instead of him doing it for/with me, he does it for other people. So, while he tries to mask his feelings and keeps his distance - his feelings for me shine through. Which is sorta "bittersweet". I admire the intuitive nature and his ability to learn and carry out stuff (sweet), but sucks that he will never date me and/or do what he learns for me (bitter).

[autumnnight]

If there can be negative ramifications for sharing - like a possible sexual harassment issue - then I think it is best not to. If they are married or elsewise committed, then sharing is ABSOLUTELY selfish.

[William]

Thanks for your kind responses; this is one of our hydras posting so I'll close it up since they've been banned again for the umpteenth time.