Should I fix this?

[katiegrl]

I hear ya. This whole situation has been embarrassing for me. I got excited too soon about a girl I liked and screwed it up. I keep hoping she will reach out to me to talk, but I don't think she will.

 

Well even if she doesn't...it's not a total loss.

 

You learned a valuable lesson for next time, which is a good positive thing!

 

Always be true to yourself and stop being who you think she wants you to be.

 

This one just wasn't meant to be....which now leaves room for someone better *for you* to come along!

 

Trying seeing it from "that" perspective instead of beating yourself up, okay?

 

You're a cool guy, you'll be fine.... :)

[lil_missy]

You also mentioned she was online a lot? I think she possibly met someone else n that's why she lost interest.

 

I don't think a ' I can't wait to see you text' after 2 days is too clingy at all.

 

If she liked you it wouldn't be

 

After all, she told u she changed her weekend plans just to see you. That would be a big no no on this board.

 

Like you said not everyone is aloof, multi dating and into hookup culture. It's ok for you to be invested like you are, you have to be true to yourself. Maybe with more experience you will become less invested in the future, that's how it was with me.

Edited June 13, 2015 by lil_missy

[jen1447]

I don't think a ' I can't wait to see you text' after 2 days is too clingy at all.

 

If she liked you it wouldn't be

^ That's it exactly. This stuff is completely and utterly subjective, and when someone's all gah-gah over you, texting a goofy message will be absolutely *adorable!* while if they're so done w/you, texting even a sensible message will be received like it's a major intrusion.

 

Gooey: "Baby, I can't wait to see ur eyes shine in the reflection of my beer bottle again and smell the fabric softener on ur sports bra!" [Oh my god that's soooo romantic! ]

 

Done: "Hey um how's things going lately?" [Oh GOD .... what a PAIN IN THE ASS!!]

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't think a ' I can't wait to see you text' after 2 days is too clingy at all.

 

If she liked you it wouldn't be.

While your text did seem a bit intense overall, lil_missy did hit the nail on the head.

 

You often hear that when a man shows intensity toward a woman, she's usually flattered by it - unless she's NOT into him. Then it's just considered 'creepy.'

[katiegrl]

While your text did seem a bit intense overall, lil_missy did hit the nail on the head.

 

You often hear that when a man shows intensity toward a woman, she's usually flattered by it - unless she's NOT into him. Then it's just considered 'creepy.'

 

Hmmm maybe...but she DID seem *really* into him and enthusiastic about him *until* he made that comment...

 

i mean it was her excitement and enthusiasm that caused him to feel comfortable enough to make the comment in the first place!

 

Then after he makes the comment, poof!, suddenly she distances herself?

 

I think it's quite possible him saying it, in the way he said it, turned her off...but who knows...because let's face it, after two dates it did sound a bit overzealous. And some women (and men) can be very fickle...especially in the very beginning.

 

But who knows you may be right too...and she just pretended to be really into him...when she really wasn't.

 

It's a stretch, but possible.

Edited June 13, 2015 by katiegrl

[sandylee1]

I'd have felt the way you did in your position . I don't think you're too clingy and if she were courteous she should have contacted you earlier to say she couldn't make it, not wait till you contacted her.

 

A girl looking for a serious relationship will appreciate you.

 

Like you, I would have felt like I was being blown off.

[TheBathWater]

You also mentioned she was online a lot? I think she possibly met someone else n that's why she lost interest.

 

I don't think a ' I can't wait to see you text' after 2 days is too clingy at all.

 

If she liked you it wouldn't be

 

After all, she told u she changed her weekend plans just to see you. That would be a big no no on this board.

 

Like you said not everyone is aloof, multi dating and into hookup culture. It's ok for you to be invested like you are, you have to be true to yourself. Maybe with more experience you will become less invested in the future, that's how it was with me.

 

Exactly. I didn't think the text was clingy either. It's stuff like this that makes me hate texting in the first place. Figures, the one instance I try to be flexible and give her something to grab onto, poof...she turns into Houdini.

 

Yes, SHE suggested she change her weekend plans to see me. She was going to drive a few hours to a weekend party for a friend and decided she would spend the night cooking at my place first, then go up there in the morning. She was definitely into me.

 

I'd like to think she is not dating other people. She told me herself on our second date: "I really dislike dating multiple people". She asked me a lot about my experience with long-term relationships, how many girls I'd been with, etc... and gave positive responses.

 

It just seems crazy that she could suddenly switch like that on me after the text I sent. I mean, it IS possible that she really was busy, decided she wanted to finish her work so she could get to that party and see me the week after. But even at that, once I said I was hesitant to reserve space for her a week out because she was cancelling last minute and is still regularly active online, and she responds with "let's not make each other a priority after two dates", I couldn't help but have a reaction. I mean, I don't measure romantic connection by quantities of something (e.g. number of dates) but by quality of time spend together, and we seemed to have two high quality dates. If anything, I felt she was saying to me let's put in the effort and make it a priority to meet. Why else would she suggest rearranging her plans?

 

God, I wish she'd just call me and say we should figure out what happened and take it from there. I am totally receptive to hearing from her and hoping she reaches out, but like I said earlier, I highly doubt she will. I'm now probably going to join the ranks of all the 'bad daters' she rants about every other hour.

 

Thanks for some of the affirming feedback, guys. It really helps to counterbalance some of the internal chaos I'm feeling right now.

[TheBathWater]

I'd have felt the way you did in your position . I don't think you're too clingy and if she were courteous she should have contacted you earlier to say she couldn't make it, not wait till you contacted her.

 

A girl looking for a serious relationship will appreciate you.

 

Like you, I would have felt like I was being blown off.

 

Thank you.

[aloneinaz]

And what if that isn't my model? What if that is the 'norm' for dating, but not mine? I do not like dating multiple people, and by her own admission, neither does she.

 

This is what drives me absolutely insane about asking for dating advice on sites like this. You are essentially told to conform to social norms that are always changing, regardless of whether or not they fit with who you authentically are. Can't I still be a good dater/person and hold true to my values? I don't believe I'm doing anything 'wrong'.

 

Absolutely you need to follow the dating model you're most comfortable with. I was only suggesting what worked for me (and others) when I was following your model.

 

I'll be the first to admit that I way over thought EVERYTHING after a good first date or two when I met someone I liked. I catastrophized every text, communication, etc.. Only when I stopped putting all my eggs in one basket did I realize that it helped me prevent doing that.

[TheBathWater]

Absolutely you need to follow the dating model you're most comfortable with. I was only suggesting what worked for me (and others) when I was following your model.

 

I'll be the first to admit that I way over thought EVERYTHING after a good first date or two when I met someone I liked. I catastrophized every text, communication, etc.. Only when I stopped putting all my eggs in one basket did I realize that it helped me prevent doing that.

 

Thanks. Yeah, I think we all tend to offer advice from our own frame.

 

I have no idea how I can ever feel less vulnerable when in the initial stages of seeing someone that I think has potential. If I'm just 'meh' about someone, it's fine. But when I see potential, forget it. I'm absolutely going to feel strong things whether I show it or not (I'm an INFJ, if you know what that means). With this one, I figured it was okay to show a little of that, based on what cues and signals she was giving me. I also didn't want to be inauthentic and not show it, and act like an idiot. It does take me some time to get comfortable with someone, to really build trust/solid friendship, fall in love...all that good stuff. I think there was potential for that with her if we would have continued seeing each other for a bit. Maybe she got scared and overestimated where I was at, or maybe something happened on her end. I don't know, and I don't think I ever will.

[Halcyon]

Thanks. Yeah, I think we all tend to offer advice from our own frame.

 

I have no idea how I can ever feel less vulnerable when in the initial stages of seeing someone that I think has potential. If I'm just 'meh' about someone, it's fine. But when I see potential, forget it. I'm absolutely going to feel strong things whether I show it or not (I'm an INFJ, if you know what that means). With this one, I figured it was okay to show a little of that, based on what cues and signals she was giving me. I also didn't want to be inauthentic and not show it, and act like an idiot. It does take me some time to get comfortable with someone, to really build trust/solid friendship, fall in love...all that good stuff. I think there was potential for that with her if we would have continued seeing each other for a bit. Maybe she got scared and overestimated where I was at, or maybe something happened on her end. I don't know, and I don't think I ever will.

 

I'm going to be real with you because that's my policy I don't sugar coat things. You acted like an idiot, I'm not saying you are an idiot just in this particular moment you were.

 

I used to be like you when I was younger however a bunch of **** happened in my life that changed my perspective on things.

 

My suggestions for you since you seem to get attached so early. Number one stop trying to bed girls in the first few dates, you can't handle it. You can show them you find them attractive and hold off a bit (sexual tension is not a bad thing) anyone who is into you will be ok with this. You can do other things just hold off on the sex.

 

Second as long as she is still offering times to go on dates with you, you're golden. Enjoy your life outside this budding relationship this is key and ffs don't stalk her online, once again you can't handle it. You take whatever snippets of information you can get and make yourself paranoid.

 

Three it's not all about you, you're not at a point where you are committed to each other she owes you nothing. So shes going to see her friends big ****ing woop, you go see your friends. You go on a date with her the week after when she's less stressed about finals. Better all around, probably a lot better than going on a date when all she is thinking of is "I really need to ****ing prep for finals". Those dates suck.

 

Finally if she is a independent person like myself generally speaking nothing kills attraction for me faster than people being overly clingy and getting bent out of shape when they feel entitled to my time (early on). **** happens sometimes and you need to reschedule.

 

I would have taken her on face value and just met her the week after leaving it in her court, if she flaked again fine write her off but otherwise I would have just gone about my life as usual.

 

All you can really learn from this is how you will approach this kind of situation in the future, you can't control other people. Also finally every time you feel like dropping a thermonuclear bomb on a tiny problem take 24 hours to think about it and decide if that is a reasonable response.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Halcyon

[TheBathWater]

I'm going to be real with you because that's my policy I don't sugar coat things. You acted like an idiot, I'm not saying you are an idiot just in this particular moment you were.

 

I used to be like you when I was younger however a bunch of **** happened in my life that changed my perspective on things.

 

My suggestions for you since you seem to get attached so early. Number one stop trying to bed girls in the first few dates, you can't handle it. You can show them you find them attractive and hold off a bit (sexual tension is not a bad thing) anyone who is into you will be ok with this. You can do other things just hold off on the sex.

 

Second as long as she is still offering times to go on dates with you, you're golden. Enjoy your life outside this budding relationship this is key and ffs don't stalk her online, once again you can't handle it. You take whatever snippets of information you can get and make yourself paranoid.

 

Three it's not all about you, you're not at a point where you are committed to each other she owes you nothing. So shes going to see her friends big ****ing woop, you go see your friends. You go on a date with her the week after when she's less stressed about finals. Better all around, probably a lot better than going on a date when all she is thinking of is "I really need to ****ing prep for finals". Those dates suck.

 

Finally if she is a independent person like myself generally speaking nothing kills attraction for me faster than people being overly clingy and getting bent out of shape when they feel entitled to my time (early on). **** happens sometimes and you need to reschedule.

 

I would have taken her on face value and just met her the week after leaving it in her court, if she flaked again fine write her off but otherwise I would have just gone about my life as usual.

 

All you can really learn from this is how you will approach this kind of situation in the future, you can't control other people. Also finally every time you feel like dropping a thermonuclear bomb on a tiny problem take 24 hours to think about it and decide if that is a reasonable response.

 

Yeah, I pretty much agree with everything you said. I was an idiot. Do you think I should contact her and apologize, and offer to talk on the phone (not text) when she's not stressed with finals? I don't know if it will give us another chance, but it'd be a shame to wonder what if.

[Halcyon]

Yeah, I pretty much agree with everything you said. I was an idiot. Do you think I should contact her and apologize, and offer to talk on the phone (not text) when she's not stressed with finals? I don't know if it will give us another chance, but it'd be a shame to wonder what if.

 

You could try but I wouldn't count on it anything good coming of it. From personal experience when someone has treated me like this early on I wrote them off as dodging a bullet of someone who can't control their emotions. I don't have time or patience for people who break things off over trivial matters.

 

That is me though I don't know this girl, if it gives you sense of finality to the situation then do it. Worst is that she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore.

[TheBathWater]

You could try but I wouldn't count on it anything good coming of it. From personal experience when someone has treated me like this early on I wrote them off as dodging a bullet of someone who can't control their emotions. I don't have time or patience for people who break things off over trivial matters.

 

That is me though I don't know this girl, if it gives you sense of finality to the situation then do it. Worst is that she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore.

 

Yeah, I think I might try to reach out to her after she gets back from her weekend trip and offer for her to call me so we can talk. I'm expecting her to be pissed, and probably not want to see me again. I'm sure her friends have heard all about it already, and I doubt they'll be encouraging of her talking to me again. But at least it will give some closure. If she does see me again, I'm going to need to take a few steps backward with her while we continue getting to know each other.

[katiegrl]

Tuna, yeah I think you should call her.

 

I read your initial post again and what I am now wondering is....when she said "let's not argue in text, we are better than that," why didn't you take that opportunity to CALL her to discuss/argue/resolve it?

 

Why was it just over after that? She wasn't ending it, she just didn't want to discuss it over text!

 

I am not sure now that my initial opinion was correct. It could be, just not sure now.

 

So call her and TALK to her about it....you have nothing to lose really.

 

Good luck.

[TheBathWater]

Tuna, yeah I think you should call her.

 

I read your initial post again and what I am now wondering is....when she said "let's not argue in text, we are better than that," why didn't you take that opportunity to CALL her to discuss/argue/resolve it?

 

Why was it just over after that? She wasn't ending it, she just didn't want to discuss it over text!

 

I am not sure now that my initial opinion was correct. It could be, just not sure now.

 

So call her and TALK to her about it....you have nothing to lose really.

 

Good luck.

 

She'll have to call me. I deleted her number immediately afterward ::face palm::

 

I'm emailing her now as I write this to apologize and offer for her to call me when she's not stressed out over finals to clear the air, but understand if she's already done at this point.

 

Thank you, and wish me luck.

[Halcyon]

She'll have to call me. I deleted her number immediately afterward ::face palm::

 

I'm emailing her now as I write this to apologize and offer for her to call me when she's not stressed out over finals to clear the air, but understand if she's already done at this point.

 

Thank you, and wish me luck.

 

You did what... I think you really need to take some space for yourself. I don't think you are in the head space to be in a relationship of any sort if this is how you react to tiny things. I'm not saying this as an insult I'm saying this as this really was a massive, massive over reaction.

 

Also don't put it back on her being 'stressed' over finals I think she was actually pretty mature and level headed. You are the one that went off the deep end. You ****ed up no if's or buts any apology you may make to her has to put like that without any conditionals added to it.

 

Either way I think this is a lost cause, sadly. All you can do is live and learn.

[TheBathWater]

You did what... I think you really need to take some space for yourself. I don't think you are in the head space to be in a relationship of any sort if this is how you react to tiny things. I'm not saying this as an insult I'm saying this as this really was a massive, massive over reaction.

 

Also don't put it back on her being 'stressed' over finals I think she was actually pretty mature and level headed. You are the one that went off the deep end. You ****ed up no if's or buts any apology you may make to her has to put like that without any conditionals added to it.

 

Either way I think this is a lost cause, sadly. All you can do is live and learn.

 

No, I didn't mean that it falls back on her being stressed about finals. What I meant was that I am offering for her to call me when she's back from her trip and not stressed with finals (assuming it might be too much for her to call me right now), if she wants to at all, but that I understand if not. I did say I'm sorry, and that I'd like to clear the air and talk if she is willing. Yeah, I ****ed up. I'm not backing away from it. You're right that live and learn is probably the outcome.

Edited June 14, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[TheBathWater]

She wrote me back, and was understanding. Unfortunately but not surprisingly, it's looking like a no-go. It seems for her things were fine until I responded back to her text to reschedule, and she realized then we were going at two different speeds. She wants a relationship, but with the right person and to pace things appropriately. I felt we were doing alright until Wednesday too. I believe it was because on the last date we went to bed and processed childhood issues together that I misinterpreted her lack of response time, and then her sudden cancellation, as her being like past women who I haven't had good experences with.

 

I did write her back again and say I understood, that I agreed we were going at different speeds, and that I was still open to talking to clear the air and see if taking a few steps back could work, but that I understood if she was done. Knowing what I know now, I believe I could move slower if we gave it a shot. I don't think she is going to write back or call though. It sounds like it's over.

 

Thanks for the support and feedback. I definitely learned how important it is for me to check my reactions during the initial dating phase before they get the best of me, this way I can make it to the point eventually where I can trust the other person and not feel these reactions. It's really too bad it had to happen this way. She's a cool lady.

[joseb]

Halycon's advice above is spot on, especially about enjoying your life outside of a budding relationships. I have a couple of mates that sound a bit like you - once they see potential they drop everything and become obsessed.

It's nice to be excited but we need balance.

[TheBathWater]

Halycon's advice above is spot on, especially about enjoying your life outside of a budding relationships. I have a couple of mates that sound a bit like you - once they see potential they drop everything and become obsessed.

It's nice to be excited but we need balance.

 

What I thought was the most spot on was the comment about paranoia. I knew I had paranoid aspects to my personality, but after reading that comment, I felt like I snapped back to reality and realized what a disaster of a mess I made. Hearing back from the girl helped in this respect as well. I have been doing a lot of walking and thinking today.

[Halcyon]

What I thought was the most spot on was the comment about paranoia. I knew I had paranoid aspects to my personality, but after reading that comment, I felt like I snapped back to reality and realized what a disaster of a mess I made. Hearing back from the girl helped in this respect as well. I have been doing a lot of walking and thinking today.

 

It's all right and I apologize if I was overly blunt but I hate beating around the bush. As I said I used to be like you several years ago my philosophy on dating and life in general now is that a relationship (or dating or anything for that matter) should add to your already fulfilling life not become it.

 

I make as many plans with my friends/family as I do with the person I'm seeing because at the end of the day the people who are always there for me are my friends/family. It's all about balance, which is why I thought your reaction was way over the top considering it's been 2 dates I would not be surprised that she would rather hang with her friends than you. Her friends are her friends you are still very new.

 

I would actually be very concerned if someone I just started dating ditched their friends to come hang with me instead but as I said I don't like clingy, that's me some people like that I don't.

 

Now is a time for reflection on what you can change about yourself for the next one so you don't make the same mistakes. Don't beat yourself up too much ok? I made plenty (and still do) of mistakes along the way but as long as you can learn from them they are ok to make. It's when you heap it all on the other person and learn nothing it becomes a problem. You can only control what you do what others do is out of your control so focus on yourself, you'll become more attractive person as a result. Introspection and self growth can be very sexy.

Edited June 15, 2015 by Halcyon

[TheBathWater]

It's all right and I apologize if I was overly blunt but I hate beating around the bush. As I said I used to be like you several years ago my philosophy on dating and life in general now is that a relationship (or dating or anything for that matter) should add to your already fulfilling life not become it.

 

I make as many plans with my friends/family as I do with the person I'm seeing because at the end of the day the people who are always there for me are my friends/family. It's all about balance, which is why I thought your reaction was way over the top considering it's been 2 dates I would not be surprised that she would rather hang with her friends than you. Her friends are her friends you are still very new.

 

I would actually be very concerned if someone I just started dating ditched their friends to come hang with me instead but as I said I don't like clingy, that's me some people like that I don't.

 

Now is a time for reflection on what you can change about yourself for the next one so you don't make the same mistakes. Don't beat yourself up too much ok? I made plenty (and still do) of mistakes along the way but as long as you can learn from them they are ok to make. It's when you heap it all on the other person and learn nothing it becomes a problem. You can only control what you do what others do is out of your control so focus on yourself, you'll become more attractive person as a result. Introspection and self growth can be very sexy.

 

Yes, sexy indeed. #truth

 

I will say though that I am happy with my life EXCEPT that I wish I had more social/family supports. I have an excellent career, good health, lots of talents and hobbies that I pursue, am good looking, and educated...but I have very little social supports and family. I don't know what the hell got into me this time, seriously. Everything was going fine, and then as soon as I didn't hear back from her as quick as I usually do, I started getting anxious. Once she cancelled, I lost it. This is a lesson I'll never forget. I just wish it happened with someone else, not her. I would have been curious to see where we went over time. Maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway, but now I'll never know. ****.

[Halcyon]

Yes, sexy indeed. #truth

 

I will say though that I am happy with my life EXCEPT that I wish I had more social/family supports. I have an excellent career, good health, lots of talents and hobbies that I pursue, am good looking, and educated...but I have very little social supports and family. I don't know what the hell got into me this time, seriously. Everything was going fine, and then as soon as I didn't hear back from her as quick as I usually do, I started getting anxious. Once she cancelled, I lost it. This is a lesson I'll never forget. I just wish it happened with someone else, not her. I would have been curious to see where we went over time. Maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway, but now I'll never know. ****.

 

That's great you have all those things going for you. A solid social support network is really important as well though and I know how hard that can be to build and maintain.

 

If you don't have that then you can subconsciously use whoever you are seeing as a crutch for that, especially if you like them a lot. You felt upset she wasn't as keen as you were or at least your perception of it. Who knows she may have been very interested but forced it to the back of her mind because she had to focus on her finals.

 

It really doesn't matter to be honest as I said earlier if she still wanted to meet with you are fine. You shouldn't worry to much about texting frequency that doesn't keep relationships alive only breeds paranoia and anxiety if you read too much into it.

 

I've been in your exact situation and when I have dated women like that they really appreciated that I gave them the space they needed during a stressful time. It was nothing to do with me and more what they really needed at that point. As it was really nothing to do with you either.

 

It may have not worked in the long run if you needed that constant reassurance that everything was ok.

[kendahke]

I've been reading your posts on other threads too. Do you always put people down online?

 

I"m not putting you down. I'm speaking truth that you don't want to hear.