Should I fix this?

[TheBathWater]

I did something incredibly stupid, I think. I'm not sure if I should salvage the connection or let it go, and I need some advice.

 

I met a woman through OLD a couple of weeks ago. It was a great first date, and we later both agreed this could be "a thing" (i.e. relationship material). We just naturally clicked. Good chemistry, similar backgrounds, all the good stuff...

 

Second date was even better. I spent the night at her place and, although it was difficult, we (and I mean she) decided to delay sex until down the road because "this is not a hookup". The sexual play and connection was great anyway. We spent the next morning/afternoon together and seemed to get closer.

 

We arranged for a third date at my place the following week. She was/is supposed to go on a short weekend trip to a friend's party, but decided she would delay it by a day because she wanted to see me! I was thrilled!

 

Here's where things go awry...

 

I pinged her mid-week with a "can't wait to see you Friday night!" text to touch base. She waited an unusual five hours to respond, and I got a funny feeling (she tends to text me often, and responds quicker than this). When she did respond, she told me she was inundated with finishing writing papers and such (she's a grad student and its finals week). She said she couldn't see me.

 

All kinds of things start running through my mind. "Is she still going to that weekend party? Why am I getting cancelled but not that? She's been signing online regularly, so is there someone else? Why doesn't she do SOMETHING to show me that the connection is still there?" Etc... etc... You know, the crazy talk.

 

She then offered to reschedule for exactly one week later, but I feared that was too far away (!!!) and either (a) she will lose interest before then since the connection doesn't continue to pick up steam in time enough, and/or (b) I will be thinking so much about the whole thing it's going to go to **** anyway. Might as well wreck it...

 

[cue the war music]

 

So, I replied and told her I was hesitant to reserve space for her because it was a last minute cancellation and she says she's busy but seems to be signing online a lot. Her response: "please, let's not make each other a priority yet. We had two dates". My jaw dropped. This person went to bed with me, told me she saw relationship potential with us, and now she just cancelled on me and said "we're not a priority". I was upset. We're not serious, no, but if we're both thinking in that direction, why would you say something like that? I generally felt she was distancing herself from me, and putting down my feelings. I texted her: "this isn't going to work". She was shocked. I let her know I was not okay with her response to me, particularly after we had just went to bed and fooled around, had the talks that we had, and now this. She said "let's not argue in text, we're better than that". I ceded, and that was it. Just like that. Over.

 

I have no doubt that I overreacted. I'm a highly sensitive person. At the same time, I do think she kind of blindsided me with her sudden detachment and aloofness following what seemed like a great weekend date. Maybe if she would have called me for a phone date or showed me in some other way through her communication that she was still on the same page, I would have felt alright. But here I felt the rug was pulled out from under us. I rearranged my weekend for this girl, and damn, this is what happens.

 

I am pretty upset. I would like to know if I should try to salvage this and contact her, or wait for her to contact me. I believe we did have a connection, that I overreacted, and at the same time, that there is something on her end that seems to have pulled away. I can't understand why. Even after our last date, she was texting me for a couple of days straight. So, it's not like I did or said something wrong. I think she must have gotten busy and decided her friends' party was more important, and I felt insulted. What do I do?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Try to apologize, but it's probably a waste of time. You're being way too clingy & possessive.

[TheBathWater]

I disagree. She can do what she wants. But I know what I'm looking for and where I'm at in my life, and if she's not on the same page like I thought she was, why am I going to hold on? Overreacted? Sure. But clingy and possessive? I don't see that. She was the one who typically hit me up. Please.

[TunaCat]

First of all, this girl is in grad school and she's probably super stressed out with it being finals week. You overreacting to things is not helping her, and in fact it's probably stressing her out more.

 

And, I totally agree with her. It's been 2 dates for goodness sakes! You are smothering her and she is telling you that you need to back the heck off. Making someone a priority after 2 dates is absolutely insane to me. You may really be into her, but she's asking you to back off.

[TheBathWater]

First of all, this girl is in grad school and she's probably super stressed out with it being finals week. You overreacting to things is not helping her, and in fact it's probably stressing her out more.

 

And, I totally agree with her. It's been 2 dates for goodness sakes! You are smothering her and she is telling you that you need to back the heck off. Making someone a priority after 2 dates is absolutely insane to me. You may really be into her, but she's asking you to back off.

 

Yeah, this is probably true. I still don't get it though how she could have seemed so into me but then relegated me so quick to "non priority" status. Why is it okay when the woman places the guy on a pedestal but vice versa is considered clingy? Ugh. I just wish she would have said something like, "I really wanted to see you too, and I can't wait til the next time". That would have held me over fine. I don't need to be top priority, but because I'm intentionally looking for the real thing, I expect some reciprocity. Blowing me off to go party for the weekend when you're "busy" sounds to me like "I'm just living in the moment, and I know we just went to bed, but I don't care about you that much and I'm going to go have a good time". I know that's the norm these days, but that's not me and I thought she was above that. I do expect something more. Call me a stage five clinger all you want, but I want to know this girl is still on the same page as me. I felt like she was actually ahead of me this whole time until recently, and as soon as I show some excitement, it's not okay. I honestly think it's because I'm the guy. If it was the girl, it would be different.

Edited June 13, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[aloneinaz]

I have to agree with Tuna. Seriously, you got WAAAYYY to invested in a women after two dates and like you said, massively over-reacted to her text and cancelation.

 

 

You have to be better at reading things and being cool. Her suddenly taking much longer to reply to your text could be perceived as a red flag, especially with her following up and canceling the date.

 

 

How you should of handled it? You should of replied "bummer about his weekend but yes, let's reschedule" and left it at that. Then, see if your suspicions were right about her maybe losing interest by waiting to see if you heard from her again.

 

 

In all likelihood, you were just one of a few guys she is seeing/dating. You should also not put all your eggs in one basket and have several women you're seeing and dating. Then, you'd be less apt to over-react when one does this.

[TheBathWater]

I have to agree with Tuna. Seriously, you got WAAAYYY to invested in a women after two dates and like you said, massively over-reacted to her text and cancelation.

 

 

You have to be better at reading things and being cool. Her suddenly taking much longer to reply to your text could be perceived as a red flag, especially with her following up and canceling the date.

 

 

How you should of handled it? You should of replied "bummer about his weekend but yes, let's reschedule" and left it at that. Then, see if your suspicions were right about her maybe losing interest by waiting to see if you heard from her again.

 

 

In all likelihood, you were just one of a few guys she is seeing/dating. You should also not put all your eggs in one basket and have several women you're seeing and dating. Then, you'd be less apt to over-react when one does this.

 

And what if that isn't my model? What if that is the 'norm' for dating, but not mine? I do not like dating multiple people, and by her own admission, neither does she.

 

This is what drives me absolutely insane about asking for dating advice on sites like this. You are essentially told to conform to social norms that are always changing, regardless of whether or not they fit with who you authentically are. Can't I still be a good dater/person and hold true to my values? I don't believe I'm doing anything 'wrong'.

Edited June 13, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[joseb]

You are under no obligation to multi date - if you feel happier serial dating, then do that.

But likewise, she is under no obligation to single date either.

 

Here's what i read from the info available.

 

I think you spent too much time with her too quickly. Stayed the night, and all next day, on a second date? Way too soon for that. IMHO.

 

Then sending messages like "cant wait to see you friday night" - look, nothing wrong with that per see, but again it kinda feels like you are rushing it - this can scare off people that have been bitten before by the fall fast relationship that blows up just as fast.

 

Your response to her re-scheduling probably confirmed her fears - she would look at your reaction and think this guy will always want to control me, wont let me do my own thing - I'm not suggesting you would be like this at all - but I can easily see her reading that into it.

 

All in all, I see you way too much emotionally invested in this when there were only 2 dates. Try to keep things in perspective going forward. No harm in wanting to single date, and look for a serious relationship, but try not to feel the need to rush it.

[TheBathWater]

You are under no obligation to multi date - if you feel happier serial dating, then do that.

But likewise, she is under no obligation to single date either.

 

Here's what i read from the info available.

 

I think you spent too much time with her too quickly. Stayed the night, and all next day, on a second date? Way too soon for that. IMHO.

 

Then sending messages like "cant wait to see you friday night" - look, nothing wrong with that per see, but again it kinda feels like you are rushing it - this can scare off people that have been bitten before by the fall fast relationship that blows up just as fast.

 

Your response to her re-scheduling probably confirmed her fears - she would look at your reaction and think this guy will always want to control me, wont let me do my own thing - I'm not suggesting you would be like this at all - but I can easily see her reading that into it.

 

All in all, I see you way too much emotionally invested in this when there were only 2 dates. Try to keep things in perspective going forward. No harm in wanting to single date, and look for a serious relationship, but try not to feel the need to rush it.

 

I can get on board with this advice. So, what should I do? Should I just let it go or hit her up? And if so, how?

 

I want to note that I am really not like this with women I am dating, but only when I think there is potential that I get kind of emotional like this. It's kind of embarrassing, but I can't help it.

[jen1447]

I'll take the other side here ....all the accounts notwithstanding, what I find more telling is the sudden drop in communication. That's bscly ALWAYS a very bad sign in a relationship bc it means she's losing interest and enthusiasm. People get busy, sure, but when you're interested and enthusiastic about someone, you make time to contact them - quick texts , five minute calls here and there, etc. And then when your response to being asked about it is irritation, that just backs up the notion that she's no longer into you.

 

So, I think the party/date/whatever stuff is just ancillary fallout from the real issue, which is that she lost interest fast. Given that, I doubt there's much hope for reconciliation or even much reason to try. Sorry.

[katiegrl]

I'll take the other side here ....all the accounts notwithstanding, what I find more telling is the sudden drop in communication. That's bscly ALWAYS a very bad sign in a relationship bc it means she's losing interest and enthusiasm. People get busy, sure, but when you're interested and enthusiastic about someone, you make time to contact them - quick texts , five minute calls here and there, etc. And then when your response to being asked about it is irritation, that just backs up the notion that she's no longer into you.

 

So, I think the party/date/whatever stuff is just ancillary fallout from the real issue, which is that she lost interest fast. Given that, I doubt there's much hope for reconciliation or even much reason to try. Sorry.

 

Agree with jen here. She "was" on the same page with you initially, but as we all know, feelings can change on a dime in the very early stages.

 

Even something as inoccuous as "I can't wait to see you again!" can turn someone off after only a couple of dates....because, well, it's just too intense after only two dates.

 

If I had to take a guess, it would be that. Considering that, after you made that statement, it took her five hours to respond back (when prior to that she had been responding immediately).

 

So yah agree with jen, it's done. Once a woman gets turned off there is not much you can do but move on....and lesson learned for next time.

 

It's great to be enthusiastic and excited about a woman, but during the first few dates, tone it down a bit.

 

Save comments like "I can't wait to see you!" for after feelings have been established and you are in a relationship...otherwise you risk coming off as too intense too soon and turning her off.

 

You only had two dates after all....it was just too much....too soon.

 

Sorry.

[kendahke]

Yeah, this is probably true. I still don't get it though how she could have seemed so into me but then relegated me so quick to "non priority" status.

 

You must not have any experience with getting through grad school.

 

You basically expected to get between her and her studies/duties and when she pushed back on that, you're offended. 2 dates? Yeah, your level of expectation is out of sync with the reality of what has fallen out in experience for the two of you. She's got things which take priority over you right now in her life.

 

You came on like a tsunami, and most people run from them as fast as they can.

[TheBathWater]

Agree with jen here. She "was" on the same page with you initially, but as we all know, feelings can change on a dime in the very early stages.

 

Even something as inoccuous as "I can't wait to see you again!" can turn someone off after only a couple of dates....because, well, it's just too intense after only two dates.

 

If I had to take a guess, it would be that. Considering that, after you made that statement, it took her five hours to respond back (when prior to that she had been responding immediately).

 

So yah agree with jen, it's done. Once a woman gets turned off there is not much you can do but move on....and lesson learned for next time.

 

It's great to be enthusiastic and excited about a woman, but during the first few dates, tone it down a bit.

 

Save comments like "I can't wait to see you!" for after feelings have been established and you are in a relationship...otherwise you risk coming off as too intense too soon and turning her off.

 

You only had two dates after all....it was just too much....too soon.

 

Sorry.

 

Want to hear something lame? The whole reason I even wrote that to her was because 1) we hadn't texted in a couple of days, 2) she has attachment anxiety issues and was always the one to text me first, and 3) she was trying to encourage me to be more expressive with her. I'm not a good text communicator to begin with, and had mixed feelings about sending it, but I thought she might like to hear from me and see something expressive. I'll be damned.

 

Yeah, I agree I think she lost interest. That's basically why I went ahead and just wrecked it. Why delay the inevitable? I think it would have been more painful to deny the (disinterest) now looming in the air, plan a date for a whole week later, and then 'play the game' so to speak. I'm not good at that. I would have liked it more if she called me up to talk about it and clear the air some. I'm still hoping she does, but I highly doubt it, as others have suggested.

 

What a damn bummer. This one seemed promising too.

[kendahke]

I don't believe I'm doing anything 'wrong'.

 

yet, it's put you further away from that which you say you want.

 

You can be right and be alone, too.

[TheBathWater]

You must not have any experience with getting through grad school.

 

You basically expected to get between her and her studies/duties and when she pushed back on that, you're offended. 2 dates? Yeah, your level of expectation is out of sync with the reality of what has fallen out in experience for the two of you. She's got things which take priority over you right now in her life.

 

You came on like a tsunami, and most people run from them as fast as they can.

 

Actually, I finished grad school two years ago and juggle an insane professional schedule that would make most people cry.

 

I also agree with someone above who said that when you're into someone, you make time for them. I'm sure she still went on her weekend party adventure, saw friends for drinkers/dinner this week, etc... Women (and men) will figure out a way when they're interested.

 

Having said that, I would have completely accepted a reschedule if she couched it with a "we're still on the same page" vibe. If she would have called me and said, "This is the situation I'm in [...] but I was looking forward to seeing you too and am bummed. Let's keep in touch until we can do it next week". It was not the reschedule in and of itself, but her overall pulling away from me (distancing, delayed text response, rescheduling, lack of emotion) that I reacted to.

 

What concerns me about dating culture (in general), and seems to show up in this thread too, is how it's not okay to say something as innocuous as "can't wait to see you Friday night" after having gone to bed together and done the most intimate of human acts. I get that it is the 'norm' now to be aloof, use each others' bodies, and not feel your feelings, but I am not built that way. I enjoyed seeing this girl and wanted to see her again, and I told her!

[katiegrl]

Actually, I finished grad school two years ago and juggle an insane professional schedule that would make most people cry.

 

I also agree with someone above who said that when you're into someone, you make time for them. I'm sure she still went on her weekend party adventure, saw friends for drinkers/dinner this week, etc... Women (and men) will figure out a way when they're interested.

 

Having said that, I would have completely accepted a reschedule if she couched it with a "we're still on the same page" vibe. If she would have called me and said, "This is the situation I'm in [...] but I was looking forward to seeing you too and am bummed. Let's keep in touch until we can do it next week". It was not the reschedule in and of itself, but her overall pulling away from me (distancing, delayed text response, rescheduling, lack of emotion) that I reacted to.

 

What concerns me about dating culture (in general), and seems to show up in this thread too, is how it's not okay to say something as innocuous as "can't wait to see you Friday night" after having gone to bed together and done the most intimate of human acts. I get that it is the 'norm' now to be aloof, use each others' bodies, and not feel your feelings, but I am not built that way. I enjoyed seeing this girl and wanted to see her again, and I told her!

 

I hear ya about the inoccuous comment. But feelings are so fleeting in the very early stages (first few dates)...I know a woman who, after feeling really excited about a guy on date one, got turned off on date two because she didn't like his shoes!!

 

I think it's the same for men, although I admit women can be a bit more fickle in the early stages.

 

I think had you said "looking forward to seeing you Friday," may have been a bit better than "can't wait to see you Friday night!!". The latter sounds over-zealous after two dates. And frankly a bit anxious. Even though I know that was not your intention.

 

I know...silly. But that's how it goes sometimes. Feelings can be fleeting....and people can be fickle.

 

Yeah it sucks, but unless you want to give up dating altogether, try to shrug it off. And maybe wait a bit before having sex...unless you can lower expectations and hang with whatever happens.

Edited June 13, 2015 by katiegrl

[TheBathWater]

I hear ya about the inoccuous comment. But feelings are so fleeting in the very early stages (first few dates)...I know a woman who, after feeling really excited about a guy on date one, got turned off on date two because she didn't like his shoes!!

 

I think it's the same for men, although I admit women can be a bit more fickle in the early stages.

 

I think had you said "looking forward to seeing you Friday," may have been a bit better than "can't wait to see you Friday night!!". The latter sounds over-zealous after two dates. And frankly a bit anxious. Even though I know that was not your intention.

 

I know...silly. But that's how it goes sometimes. Feelings can be fleeting....and people can be fickle.

 

Yeah it sucks, but unless you want to give up dating altogether, try to shrug it off. And maybe wait a bit before having sex...unless you can lower expectations and hang with whatever happens.

 

I hate to think that if I had just stuck to my guns about not texting women unless it's to make plans that none of this would have happened. She did tell me once she pulls away if she perceives the other person is doing so, and it had been a couple of days since our last text. I just wanted to show her 'I'm here, and I'm thinking about Friday, don't worry'.

 

I'm also baffled if she did see it as over-sharing or over-zealous. She shared a lot with me on the first two dates - childhood traumas, that she called her mother to tell her she met me and it could be a thing, and that she talked with her friends about me. I was conscious of the need to pace things appropriately, but I did think "hey, this could go somewhere and we're being real with each other". I liked that! One thing I really didn't like about her though was that she was starting to sound like a Taylor Swift song every other hour with how often she mentions an ex or bad date she has had. Major turn off, and I was actually going to call her out on this on the third date if she did it again, but otherwise, I liked her.

 

Ditto on the going to bed too soon. I wish it were different, but you know, my experience has always shown me that if you don't at least try to get a woman into bed soon, she may think she is not as attractive to you as she is to other guys who are trying to get her into bed, may see you as weak, and go for someone else. I'm sure that's not always true, but IME, I've seen it often and don't even give it a chance now. I always bed women within the first few dates, and more typically on the first or second date. But maybe this is a strategy worth reevaluating since I am serious about finding an awesome woman/relationship and have been trying to put the approach I used in my player days behind me.

Edited June 13, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[MovingOnIsHard]

Actually, I finished grad school two years ago and juggle an insane professional schedule that would make most people cry.

 

I also agree with someone above who said that when you're into someone, you make time for them. I'm sure she still went on her weekend party adventure, saw friends for drinkers/dinner this week, etc... Women (and men) will figure out a way when they're interested.

 

Having said that, I would have completely accepted a reschedule if she couched it with a "we're still on the same page" vibe. If she would have called me and said, "This is the situation I'm in [...] but I was looking forward to seeing you too and am bummed. Let's keep in touch until we can do it next week". It was not the reschedule in and of itself, but her overall pulling away from me (distancing, delayed text response, rescheduling, lack of emotion) that I reacted to.

 

What concerns me about dating culture (in general), and seems to show up in this thread too, is how it's not okay to say something as innocuous as "can't wait to see you Friday night" after having gone to bed together and done the most intimate of human acts. I get that it is the 'norm' now to be aloof, use each others' bodies, and not feel your feelings, but I am not built that way. I enjoyed seeing this girl and wanted to see her again, and I told her!

 

We have no control over how people conduct themselves around us. Despite you telling her your dating values/beliefs, she's going to act the way she wants. Dont get upset that you both went to bed together and it seems like she feels nothing towards you now.. People can get caught up in the moment.

 

Lesson learned here is to not have high expectations in the early stages of dating. Try to distance yourself a bit and not come on too strong.

[Halcyon]

You got way too invested, too fast and blew up. I don't really see any coming back from this other than maybe apologizing and leaving it with her but I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

You came across as incredibly needy and insecure for someone you have been on two dates with.

 

Unfortunately this is the way it goes with dating especially the early stages. You have to be very careful or you will easily get burned or scare the other person off. I don't agree with it but it is what it is and that's how you got to roll or stop dating all together.

[kendahke]

I also agree with someone above who said that when you're into someone, you make time for them.

 

2 dates in, no, she's not as into you as you are her. You are the one thirsty here, not her.

 

What concerns me about dating culture (in general), and seems to show up in this thread too, is how it's not okay to say something as innocuous as "can't wait to see you Friday night" after having gone to bed together and done the most intimate of human acts. I get that it is the 'norm' now to be aloof, use each others' bodies, and not feel your feelings, but I am not built that way. I enjoyed seeing this girl and wanted to see her again, and I told her!

 

It could very well be that she didn't enjoy the experience as much as you did and doesn't want to develop anything more with you.

[TheBathWater]

2 dates in, no, she's not as into you as you are her. You are the one thirsty here, not her.

 

 

 

It could very well be that she didn't enjoy the experience as much as you did and doesn't want to develop anything more with you.

 

I've been reading your posts on other threads too. Do you always put people down online?

[Halcyon]

I've been reading your posts on other threads too. Do you always put people down online?

 

I don't see that as a put down. I see that as blunt reality, you are the one who is invested more not her. Most people are not that invested in someone after two dates, hopeful about what may come? yes. Invested to the point that you blow up when you are not the priority? no.

 

She offered to reschedule instead you thew it back in her face which you are entirely within your rights. I personally think it was a large overreaction, I've dated grad students and yes they get very busy (as you should know yourself) and stressed around finals and they want to date someone who is empathetic to that, not someone who will compound their stress with needy accusations, after two dates no less.

Edited June 13, 2015 by Halcyon

[TheBathWater]

I don't see that as a put down. I see that as blunt reality, you are the one who is invested more not her. Most people are not that invested in someone after two dates, hopeful about what may come? yes. Invested to the point that you blow up when you are not the priority? no.

 

She offered to reschedule instead you thew it back in her face which you are entirely within your rights. I personally think it was a large overreaction, I've dated grad students and yes they get very busy (as you should yourself) and stressed and they want to date someone who is empathetic to that, not someone who will compound their stress with needy accusations, after two dates no less.

 

It's not the rescheduling that bothered me; it was the general distancing that I sensed. I know what it's like to have a demanding schedule too and want a partner who will be sensitive to that. I felt buffeted by her 'priority' comment after I had touched base with her, and yes, I overreacted.

 

Maybe I felt it was safe to show a little interest. After all, she seemed to be giving me those signs and we also hooked up, and vibed really well too. In hindsight, I should have waited longer to let myself feel hopeful while her attraction continues building. It seemed to be working better that way, at least for my emotions.

 

This one REALLY sucks to let go because I seriously felt there was potential. Dating is so exhausting, and I only come across someone I think could be relationship material once in a great while. I cannot even begin to describe how bummed out I am.

[katiegrl]

Tuna, in the early stages, it is always best to be true to yourself, and behave in ways that reflect YOUR true nature.

 

Your true nature told you to hold off on the enthusiastic texts, but you disregarded your true nature in favor of what you "thought" SHE wanted.

 

Your true nature told you to not have sex too soon, but you disregarded your true nature because you did not want HER to think you were not attracted to her. Ugh.

 

I get you are *pleaser,* but especially in the early stages when you are striving to earn a woman's respect, always be true to YOURSELF, and again behave in ways that reflect YOUR true nature, NOT who you "think" SHE wants you to be.

 

She will respect for it!

[TheBathWater]

Tuna, in the early stages, it is always best to be true to yourself, and behave in ways that reflect YOUR true nature.

 

Your true nature told you to hold off on the enthusiastic texts, but you disregarded your true nature in favor of what you "thought" SHE wanted.

 

Your true nature told you to not have sex too soon, but you disregarded your true nature because you did not want HER to think you were not attracted to her. Ugh.

 

I get you are *pleaser,* but especially in the early stages when you are striving to earn a woman's respect, always be true to YOURSELF, and again behave in ways that reflect YOUR true nature, NOT who you "think" SHE wants you to be.

 

She will respect for it!

 

I hear ya. This whole situation has been embarrassing for me. I got excited too soon about a girl I liked and screwed it up. I keep hoping she will reach out to me to talk, but I don't think she will.