leafguy Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) Hey guys, I really have no clue where to put this one, but could use some advice since it has always been positive here. So anyways, my best friend just broke up with his gf of 4 years today. Without getting too much detail, I have also become very close with her since during that time...she is pretty much a sister to me. I usually see them both every week and I am not sure how exactly to go down the road. I want to remain friends with her and have told him that to the point I will likely continue to hang out with her from time to time. My concern is that I am worried about him having issues with it and he has been my best friend for 20 years. He said he understands, but again, not sure what to do. Am I wrong for wanting to continue to be friends with his ex? At the end of the day I think I will be helping both parties through this and spending time with them both, and both leaning on me for support. Any advice from people who have been in similar situations? Edited June 12, 2015 by leafguy
La.Primavera Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 If you want to stay friends with both of them then you need to set clear boundaries. Let them know that you will not be the go between person for them. If they want to know how the other is doing, they have to find that out for themselves. You can support them separately as a friend but do not share anything one person said about the other. Keep their secrets and remain completely neutral. As long as you draw a line and they both respect that things should be ok. Good luck.
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Well, if he said he was okay with it, then he probably is. IME, it's not the 2 parties you will have pbs with, it's with the extended family or meddling friends and their 'loyalty' issues. When my close friend and her H divorced, I remained friends with them both because they are both great people individually (a nightmare as a couple, though), my friend's brother refused to talk to me for a while though, because he thought I'd been disloyal to his sister and because he assumed I'd just jumped into bed with him . We're all still friends now, and even time has passed that we can even all go out with our group of friends and new SOs without much drama. The key is to be there for them both when they need you but to avoid taking sides and remain completely neutral as much as possible; at the start, one or both may ask you to act as the middle-man or will ask what the other has said: whatever you do, DO NOT do it.
jen1447 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Do you by any chance have a romantic interest in the ex GF? Her leaning on you for emotional support could quickly turn into sth else, and that would probably be very hurtful to your friend.
kendahke Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Hey guys, I really have no clue where to put this one, but could use some advice since it has always been positive here. So anyways, my best friend just broke up with his gf of 4 years today. Without getting too much detail, I have also become very close with her since during that time...she is pretty much a sister to me. I usually see them both every week and I am not sure how exactly to go down the road. I want to remain friends with her and have told him that to the point I will likely continue to hang out with her from time to time. My concern is that I am worried about him having issues with it and he has been my best friend for 20 years. He said he understands, but again, not sure what to do. Am I wrong for wanting to continue to be friends with his ex? At the end of the day I think I will be helping both parties through this and spending time with them both, and both leaning on me for support. Any advice from people who have been in similar situations? as long as you don't become the mule that carries information back and forth to each of them it may work. But you have to take the stance that you are not there to rat on the other or to listen to them run the other down. If you can be with each of them and not talk about the other, cool. If not, then you need to be friends with whomever has proven to be the most loyal to you.
Author leafguy Posted June 13, 2015 Author Posted June 13, 2015 I have set the boundaries for both of them. My concern is I am not sure how much support to provide. Im remaining 100% neutral and basically keeping my distance I think. As soon as a conversation turns to the he said she said / he did she did thing I am walking away. I agree with everyone that I don't want to be the person running errands to give stuff back. They need to do all that face to face and anything else on the end is concerned. Jen447, As far as a romantic interest...not on my end what so ever. My concern is that she tends to latch on to whoever gives her attention and I am worried how needy she is going to be. It was one of the major reasons my best friend left is that she is very low confidence / self esteem and I don't want to be dragged in that far.
rester Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I have been in this situation, although it was a little different because I was friends with her first and became friends with her boyfriend (now my friend) while they were together. They were together for years and I lived with both of them for a time. When they broke up, I remained friends with both of them but distanced myself from her a bit more. She didn't rely on me for emotional support and I ended up spending more time with him. It's been a few years since they separated now, and I am still great friends with him but don't really talk to her much. In the end I think I clicked more with him and it made more sense to develop a lifelong buddy than an emotional friendship with a woman that I would never date. If he had been a friend from 20 years back and this had happened, I would probably slowly distance myself from her. You can remain friends, but I don't see the point in providing emotional support for her. In my opinion, your loyalty should be with your buddy of 20 years. That's a bond that is not worth breaking, at least to me.
Author leafguy Posted June 14, 2015 Author Posted June 14, 2015 Thanks for your reply Rester and you are 100% right about the lifelong friendship. I also feel a bit for his ex because of some decisions that were made on his part that should have been avoided, which is also why I want to provide some support to her when she needs it. She may surprise me and not need any, but my expectation is that it will be the exact opposite. Within the past couple weeks he cosigned on a big loan for her and now has left, and a couple other big expenditures were encouraged by him for her to make with his support. I don`t know what he was expecting from the end of it, but I can`t help but feel bad for her now as something tells me this has been in the works far longer than those other decisions. I can`t see why he got involved financially if he was going to leave. I am seeing him tomorrow to talk about things so I can get his 2 cents, but I certainly have more than a few questions about things. At the end of the day I know he feels this is better for him and he has my support, but I still have to questions some of the moves he made so to speak.
jen1447 Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 Jen447, As far as a romantic interest...not on my end what so ever. My concern is that she tends to latch on to whoever gives her attention and I am worried how needy she is going to be. It was one of the major reasons my best friend left is that she is very low confidence / self esteem and I don't want to be dragged in that far. If you don't want to be dragged in, why are you staying involved? 1
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