FistOfTheNorthStar Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Hello my friends. I had therapy today and I thought it would be rough because it was a bit of rocky week for me at work. I told my therapist about how I sent my ex the money for a bill I let go for too long and he said it was an excellent and logical idea. He was surprised how well I am coping with this as others would still be raw in the hide. However, he did give me an assignment. As mentioned, I had brought up my extend of hand also how she had still tried to speak to me after I initiated NC and I saw the messages in the trash, one saying thank you. He told me this was her trying to reel in and keep me there for her. I brought up the idea that I felt like she had an addiction to sex, and he told me well by textbook as well as by any rehab standards, yes she would be considered an addict, ironically I felt like this was history repeating itself as her own mother was an addict that abandoned her. With this, my therapist told me that she will eventually hit a standpoint where she will realize that she lost the greatest person, greatest thing and what she mostly needed in her life. Since the BU I began eating healthier, DO NOT eat any fast food and only drink water( I used to binge on soda and fast food.) because I felt as though this was my body trying to cope with my mentally abusive ex with food. He was like really you just gave it up and don't get any urges and I said no. I have given up a lot of bad habits. Where I asked him would this be me having a strong will and he said yes, there is a circle of change and I am on the right path. This circle known as the Prochaska Circle has many stages:Pre-ContimplationContimplationPreparationActionMaintenanceRelapse *May or may not occurTermination It is true, I keep myself in maintenance as to never fall back down again. Whereas he again brought up my preparation, the way our relationship worked, it seems like she truly did love me and she will more than likely fall back in Contimplation when she comes to realize her actual loss. I at the moment am afraid of this because I DO NOT want anything to do with her anymore. This is a sign of co-dependency on her part as the addict she would seek someone to fall back on when she needs help. I tried SO hard to help her, but her will just was not strong enough. I view her as VERY weak. HOW DARE YOU FALL BACK AND PUSH ME AWAY! Once she left me, she let go of the person whom actually tried holding her down and helping her. I can no longer be there for her because she broke my heart and left it scarred to hell. With this I guess I am trying to extend my help and advice to others. Sexual addiction, in women or men, it may SEEM awesome at first but when you see the person you had engraved in your heart let it take over, its so destructive and horrible. I am still fighting with the sorrow as well as the anger with my stages of grief. I am sad that she lost the fight, but ANGRY that she didn't push her will for her well being. Willpower? It's something you build upon with yourself, some people guide you, but when it comes down to it, its you who lets it happen. When it comes down to it, I fought for every bit of what was, but no longer is. Just wanted to put this somewhere and leave you guys with some lyrics... "I'm just a would've been, could've been, Should've been, never was and never ever will be. Well, sharpen your teeth. Tell yourself that it's just business. Would've been, could've been, Should've been, never was, and never ever will be. Worms come out of the woodwork, And the snakes start to sing." "If you can't soar with the eagles, Then don't fly with the flock. Are you still getting by? Was I your knight in shining armour, Or the apple of your eye? Or just a step, a ****ing step to climb?" -F
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