ToBlave Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) Here is my story...if anyone has any ideas, similar experiences, or suggestions, I'd love to hear it. I'm stuck and am afraid there's something wrong with me or maybe the relationship has run it's course... I have been married for 15 yrs, together with her for 6 yrs prior to wedding, pulling in 21 yrs all together. With 1 teenage child. Over the last 5-6 years, I've been steadily losing sexual and romantic feelings for her. Like when you're at a wedding and you want to dance together as a couple? I'd rather be doing anything else, I have no desire to hold her nor any emotional warmth that says "this is nice". I even struggle to hold her hand or kissing her. I almost have an aversion to it at times. We still have sex once a week, but that can be hard for me sometimes. She's still sexy and only a little overweight. I've been working on trying to restore the marriage going on 2 years now. We've been through 3 therapists, next is a psychologist. She feels my lack of emotional connection as of recent. We've talked and cried for over a year about this situation. I've tried all manner of date nights, adventures, hotel nights, becoming more active together, etc. I read and research when I have time. We've done all sorts of crazy things together sexually over the years including dabbling in the swinging lifestyle. We don't communicate well because I'm very logical and she's very emotional. The 2 don't mix well and we don't see the world in the same way. I trust her and love her. She's a wonderful wife and mother. We have very little in common anymore and are completely two different people. But it's what brought us together. I have a mild case of ADHD, which keeps me busy and always on a new adventure or learning something new. I'm very organized and am practiced on how to manage my ADHD to a point. I loved her passionately for well over a decade. But throughout our entire relationship I never really felt that she was the "one". We got along really well so it was natural to advance to the next level. We've been a happy couple, but secretly I always had doubts. I've never really enjoyed kissing her. It's just something I never liked much about her. But we have always had great sex! I have a very strong sexual appetite and many women I meet turn me on and start a spark. So I'm not dysfunctional sexually. Before I met my wife I was a male-whore. I slept with anything and everything and had a great time of it. If I was single again I would probably do the same again for awhile before settling down. I've had strong desires for woman outside of the relationship for years and it's been a constant struggle to keep it at bay. I'll admit I'm a bit of a junkie for dopamine. A friend had suggested that perhaps I have a fear of intimacy. Maybe, but by it's definition, most people have a fear of intimacy. And at my mid-life it's a bit too much for me to undergo extensive and expensive psycho-therapy. If it would fix the marriage I would do it, but I'm struggling to see the connection. I'd rather not get divorced, but I'm not fulfilled and am not ready to give up passion and romance in it's entirety. I don't need it all the time, but I'd like to be turned on by my partner once in awhile as well as intellectually stimulated. And when I'm at a wedding, I want to feel like dancing with my partner, hold her hand, and kiss her. I don't know what else to try. I may see a psychologist to see if there's something wrong with me. I'm a crazy and outgoing person. Maybe I'm just a dick. If anyone has any ideas, similar experiences, or suggestions, I'd love to hear it. Edited June 12, 2015 by ToBlave
GorillaTheater Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 The question will be asked eventually, so we may as well get it out of the way: are you involved with anyone else, or is there someone in particular you'd like to get involved with? May as well be honest about it. Yeah, you'll catch some hell (including maybe from me) if the answer to either question is "yes", but it really is relevant to the advice I and others may offer. 1
SammySammy Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Here is my story...if anyone has any ideas, similar experiences, or suggestions, I'd love to hear it. I'm stuck and am afraid there's something wrong with me or maybe the relationship has run it's course... I have been married for 15 yrs, together with her for 6 yrs prior to wedding, pulling in 21 yrs all together. With 1 teenage child. Over the last 5-6 years, I've been steadily losing sexual and romantic feelings for her. Like when you're at a wedding and you want to dance together as a couple? I'd rather be doing anything else, I have no desire to hold her nor any emotional warmth that says "this is nice". I even struggle to hold her hand or kissing her. I almost have an aversion to it at times. We still have sex once a week, but that can be hard for me sometimes. She's still sexy and only a little overweight. I've been working on trying to restore the marriage going on 2 years now. We've been through 3 therapists, next is a psychologist. She feels my lack of emotional connection as of recent. We've talked and cried for over a year about this situation. I've tried all manner of date nights, adventures, hotel nights, becoming more active together, etc. I read and research when I have time. We've done all sorts of crazy things together sexually over the years including dabbling in the swinging lifestyle. We don't communicate well because I'm very logical and she's very emotional. The 2 don't mix well and we don't see the world in the same way. I trust her and love her. She's a wonderful wife and mother. We have very little in common anymore and are completely two different people. But it's what brought us together. I have a mild case of ADHD, which keeps me busy and always on a new adventure or learning something new. I'm very organized and am practiced on how to manage my ADHD to a point. I loved her passionately for well over a decade. But throughout our entire relationship I never really felt that she was the "one". We got along really well so it was natural to advance to the next level. We've been a happy couple, but secretly I always had doubts. I've never really enjoyed kissing her. It's just something I never liked much about her. But we have always had great sex! I have a very strong sexual appetite and many women I meet turn me on and start a spark. So I'm not dysfunctional sexually. Before I met my wife I was a male-whore. I slept with anything and everything and had a great time of it. If I was single again I would probably do the same again for awhile before settling down. I've had strong desires for woman outside of the relationship for years and it's been a constant struggle to keep it at bay. I'll admit I'm a bit of a junkie for dopamine. A friend had suggested that perhaps I have a fear of intimacy. Maybe, but by it's definition, most people have a fear of intimacy. And at my mid-life it's a bit too much for me to undergo extensive and expensive psycho-therapy. If it would fix the marriage I would do it, but I'm struggling to see the connection. I'd rather not get divorced, but I'm not fulfilled and am not ready to give up passion and romance in it's entirety. I don't need it all the time, but I'd like to be turned on by my partner once in awhile as well as intellectually stimulated. And when I'm at a wedding, I want to feel like dancing with my partner, hold her hand, and kiss her. I don't know what else to try. I may see a psychologist to see if there's something wrong with me. I'm a crazy and outgoing person. Maybe I'm just a dick. If anyone has any ideas, similar experiences, or suggestions, I'd love to hear it. "Familiarity breeds contempt." As far as your communication issues go, men being logical and women being emotional generally describes most men and women worldwide. I don't consider those differences weaknesses because I believe successful couples recognize that men and women need those opposing aspects of each other. It's like yin and yang - the masculine and the feminine - both working together to create a harmonious whole. From where I sit, you seem like a lucky guy. A beautiful woman who is a good wife and mother. You're not here complaining about her cheating on you like so many others are. Just frustrated because your relationship has matured and you don't feel the passion you once had for each other. Personally, I don't have the answers. However, what I would do is continue to work on my marriage. Find ways to appreciate my wife for the woman she is rather than focusing on the differences and what she's not. Now is not the time to withdraw, but to expand your expression of love and appreciation for her. She's one of the few women posted about on this site that seems to deserve it. Good luck. 2
pondhawk Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 "dabbling in the swinging lifestyle" Here's where it went south. What did you expect to happen when you looked outside? Did you think your wife was going to get more attractive? It amazes me when I hear husbands saying after a decade of marriage that their wife is no longer good enough. Nothing terribly wrong with her, just not doing it for you anymore. Where is true love.... til death do us part??? Yes, it's not exciting 24/7, but the lust must evolve into deep love at some point right? Good luck, maybe both of you can try marriage counseling. 2
No Limit Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Not wanting to divorce + considering getting what you need outside of the marriage is a very dangerous mindset. You've tried for a very long time now, without results. Whether this is because of circumstances or because of your own attitude (which is said to be a person's biggest hurdle) I can't say, but please take the high road and rather leave the marriage without betraying your partner in the worst possible way. It's a very hurtful experience for the betrayed to make and there's no way to undo it.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Do the right thing & get a divorce. Don't be selfish. You can't give your wife what she deserves & needs, a partner that loves her. So far you've done the right thing by not cheating & trying to make it work. You know that you're out of love with her & nothing is going to change that. For her sake end it so she can find someone. 2
minimariah Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Over the last 5-6 years, I've been steadily losing sexual and romantic feelings for her. were you aware of that & if the answer is YES... why didn't you do anything when it all began 5, 6 years ago...? We don't communicate well because I'm very logical and she's very emotional. The 2 don't mix well and we don't see the world in the same way. then how on Earth did you manage to pull OVER TWENTY years together if your communication was never well & if you "don't mix well"? like... you mixed well for those 20 years and now you don't? how? We have very little in common anymore and are completely two different people. why wasn't this part of your relationship -- common interests -- nurtured before? But throughout our entire relationship I never really felt that she was the "one". We got along really well so it was natural to advance to the next level. so basically -- the only reason you married her was because the clock was ticking and you thought you can't do better than her -- you settled. why did you think that was a good idea? We've been a happy couple, but secretly I always had doubts. did you ever voice them to her throughout your relationship? If I was single again I would probably do the same again for awhile before settling down. what makes you think you'll find someone you'll want to settle down with in case you divorce? is there any other woman right now in the picture you can see yourself being with, settling down with? I don't know what else to try. get a lawyer & start planning a divorce. this is a done story and it would be really great to leave NOW -- when there is still no affair mess. i think all those "she was never the one" feelings are coming out now. basically, you settled with this woman & was really never fully in this relationship with her considering the fact that you always had doubts -- and it was those doubts that ate away your entire relationship... one day at a time. i would recomment individual therapy after the divorce -- for YOU, yourself. you got a lot to work through -- starting with WHY did you think marrying someone you were never really sure about was a good idea to begin with.
minimariah Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 We don't communicate well because I'm very logical and she's very emotional. The 2 don't mix well and we don't see the world in the same way. (...) We got along really well so it was natural to advance to the next level. can you explain this? because these two things seem to be in contradiction to me. what changed during those 20 years...? did you not communicate at all...?
SammySammy Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Sometimes it seems that our answers for every relationship problem is NC or divorce. OP can do what he wants, but if she's been a good wife as he says and there's no infidelity or abuse then I'm fighting for my marriage. 2
truncated Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 What do you think your life would be like as a a single guy? how would you feel knowing some other guy was with your wife instead of you? You say you loved her passionately for ten years, but were never she sure was "the one' and that you never really enjoyed kissing her. This is just one of sveeral inconsistances in your post that I suspect come form you trying to work through this. It sound like she really tried hard to be a good wife to you, but you don't feel anything for her romantically. When did this begin to change? I'm not saying you are cheating on her, but did this shift come about after you dabbled in swinging and started noticing other women?
adna89 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 It seems you have an other woman? that might be the reason! it usually is the reason if you want attraction back,you need yo concentrate only on your wife and stop with anything you might be doing behind her back 3
Davey L Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 It seems you have an other woman? that might be the reason! it usually is the reason if you want attraction back,you need yo concentrate only on your wife and stop with anything you might be doing behind her back This is true even if you are not sleeping with another woman. A couple of times I've had friendships with other women that have gone a bit too far, and some feelings have developed. This led to less attraction to my wife, which has been the warning sign to me that I've been getting too involved with the other woman. Reducing contact with the female friend resulted in increased attraction to my wife. Not saying this is true in your case, but I suggest asking yourself if there are any women in your life that you have any kind of romantic interest in, even if you are not and do not intend taking it further. Be honest with yourself.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I've had strong desires for woman outside of the relationship for years and it's been a constant struggle to keep it at bay. I'll admit I'm a bit of a junkie for dopamine. Almost every person in a relationship feels the attraction of other people around them. We may even allow ourselves a brief "what if" fantasy. The difference with you is that you'd break up what seems to be a good marriage because of the weight you assign to these feelings. It's as though the fantasy has more substance than 20 years together. I can only imagine how terrifying this must be for your wife. I think your methodology is faulty. Just be careful what you wish for... Mr. Lucky 1
Noideanow Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I think mental match is just as important if not more than physical match, those cannot be separated, and it seems you just dont match your wife, that cannot be changed like someone cant change their looks. I seems to me your are finally growing strong enough to break free. really wish you the best and the strength to be true to yourself'
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I have a very strong sexual appetite and many women I meet turn me on and start a spark. So I'm not dysfunctional sexually. Before I met my wife I was a male-whore. I slept with anything and everything and had a great time of it. If I was single again I would probably do the same again for awhile before settling down. I've had strong desires for woman outside of the relationship for years and it's been a constant struggle to keep it at bay. I'll admit I'm a bit of a junkie for dopamine. A friend had suggested that perhaps I have a fear of intimacy. Maybe, but by it's definition, most people have a fear of intimacy. And at my mid-life it's a bit too much for me to undergo extensive and expensive psycho-therapy. If it would fix the marriage I would do it, but I'm struggling to see the connection. This I guess has nothing to do with a fear of intimacy and all to do with your roving eye. Man-whore, settled down to an OK existence with a woman who ticked all the boxes for a family life. "Family life" has happened, great, your child is grown, and now you want to be on the prowl again. Your wife is not horrible, not deceitful, not a cheater, she has not held you in a sexless marriage, she has even entered into swinging relationships. But you, I guess have grown to resent her as she stops you from following what you want to do and that is go out, chase and meet other women. Because of that, you are in effect feeling contemptuous of her and that is why you do not want to kiss her and be close to her. You are like the little boy, when given a new bike, the latest iphone and a trip to Disney, sulks because he was not given some Xbox game that everyone else has, and so he refuses to engage with the gifts he has been given. She is on a hiding to nothing here, the best she could do for you is to cheat, so you would then have a great excuse to leave the marriage and screw around as "revenge"... 2
Babs22 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I have a very strong sexual appetite and many women I meet turn me on and start a spark. So I'm not dysfunctional sexually. Before I met my wife I was a male-whore. I slept with anything and everything and had a great time of it. If I was single again I would probably do the same again for awhile before settling down. I've had strong desires for woman outside of the relationship for years and it's been a constant struggle to keep it at bay. I'll admit I'm a bit of a junkie for dopamine. ToBlave, it sounds like you need to let your wife go. If you have been in therapy for this for two years and the above is what you want to be doing, I feel like staying with your wife is only hurting her own self-esteem. She is probably wondering why she isn't good enough. You have her stuck in a state of limbo and her healing just cannot occur. There is nothing wrong with her, the issue lies within you. You want to go out and have multiple sexual partners. I give you credit for not cheating on your wife, but she is not happy either because she can't figure out why she is not good enough. She can find someone who loves her if you let her go. She deserves that. I don't think you were ever the type of guy who should have settled down. You mentioned that if you get divorced you would probably go off to sleep with "anything and everything" again for awhile before settling down. I think you should not settle down again. I'm not even sure what purpose that would serve. You've already settled down and had a kid. You don't need to do that again, it would only limit yourself to one person again and you don't seem to be in to that. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I don't think you were ever the type of guy who should have settled down. You mentioned that if you get divorced you would probably go off to sleep with "anything and everything" again for awhile before settling down. I think you should not settle down again. I'm not even sure what purpose that would serve. You've already settled down and had a kid. You don't need to do that again, it would only limit yourself to one person again and you don't seem to be in to that. Were he to divorce, I'd be interested in hearing from the OP 5 years from now. I'll assume he's near 50, I don't know if man-whoring is as rewarding at that age as it is in your 20's. We prize different things at different points in our lives... Mr. Lucky 3
xxoo Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 I'd rather not get divorced, but I'm not fulfilled and am not ready to give up passion and romance in it's entirety. I don't need it all the time, but I'd like to be turned on by my partner once in awhile as well as intellectually stimulated. And when I'm at a wedding, I want to feel like dancing with my partner, hold her hand, and kiss her. How much time do you spend looking at and fantasizing about other women vs. looking at and being connected to your wife? If your focus is other women, you will lose that intimate connection with your wife. It is a misery of your own creation. Stop focusing on other women and refocus on your wife. The love, fidelity, and sexuality that she freely gives you is a treasure that should never be taken for granted. Sadly, this is something most people in your shoes only realize after it's gone.
sandylee1 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Some options : - An open relationship - Try and rekindle things wife your wife - Put up with the current situation - Divorce If you cheat which some might see as the 5th option, it's unlikely to end well for all involved
Recommended Posts