Question for the guys: why do my ex's buddies do this?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Well anyone who doesn't know my story, here's the short version: my ex-boyfriend broke things off a month and a half ago. We had had a big argument the night before. He said he wasn't happy, and wanted to be free to be with his friends without a girlfriend tying him down (among other things). Found out he was talking to a girl long distance a week after we broke up. Not sure when they met. I think they may be LDR now. He went to great lengths to hide this from me. A couple weeks after BU, he said he still loved me, and acted a fool while drunk. The next week I drank a little too much and did the same, and went totally NC after that. We've had a few arguments, but haven't talked in weeks. I've blocked him everywhere and dropped off the rest of his stuff at the barracks to get him out of my life.

 

I also hear he's been trying to have sex with women here, and has started smoking weed and partying more. Basically being very irresponsible and out of character from what he was like before.

 

Here's the problem: his friends are always "watching" what I do when we're out. I've gone to four different places trying to avoid them, but he has a large friend group and they're always around somewhere. They give me nasty looks, and do things to try and annoy me and get a reaction. Last weekend, I was trying to talk to a couple of different men who wanted to talk to me. Two of his friends were standing there watching. I mean really watching intently. It made me really uncomfortable, and I got nervous to where I completely blew off these guys who were just trying to have a conversation. I know one of these friends goes and tells my ex things that he sees, and even tells him things that aren't true. I know this because my ex came at me with all these accusations of who I've supposedly been with since we broke up, and was angry.

 

First, WHY do his friends do this? I didn't really think men engaged in this type of behavior. He broke up with me. Why should his friends even give me a second thought? His roommate is especially bad. He will follow me around and watch who I talk to.

 

Second, do guys ask their buddies what their ex is up to? Is it like with a lot of women where we want to keep tabs sometimes?

 

I just don't get it, and was wondering some insight into it. I want to be able to go out and have fun and enjoy the single life. It's a small town so I don't have many more options in terms of places to go. Just wondering why you guys think this may be happening and if I should address it?

[erklat]

His friends are idiots. Even if my friends did stunts like that I'd burn them.

 

Don't let them stahp you from living your life. You do you.

 

Oh, you tying him down is guilt relieving crp. He had ltr with her while you

were together 99.9 of the breakups are caused by someone else entering

the picture. At the very least by the time they abandon you the dumper

has been emotionally cheating.

Edited June 12, 2015 by erklat

[lana-banana]

My guess is his friends heard a completely different story about why you broke up and what happened. He is likely painting you as some kind of raging alcoholic psycho. Never mind how far that is from the truth; that's probably what his friends heard, and they may be watching you as a means of "protecting" him.

 

Luckily, the best thing you can do in this situation is the best thing you could do regardless: ignore them and just be a class act all by yourself. Don't give them any ammunition. After a while they'll see you're no threat, assume you've moved on, and forget about it.

[lana-banana]

- accidental double-post; apologies -

[Simon Phoenix]

I had one friend do similar to an ex of mine in college. He was in the same class with her so he'd pepper her with snide comments and just try to make her uncomfortable. He reported back to me about doing this (which I didn't ask him to do) and I finally told him to stop and let her be. He thought he was "defending my honor" (she broke up with me), but I told him that it was just making him, and by proxy, me, look like a jackass.

 

As for your situation, who knows. I'd ignore it if I were you -- don't let some morons affect your life. Focus on guys you're talking to, not guys who you shouldn't give two sh*ts about.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

His friends are idiots. Even if my friends did stunts like that I'd burn them.

 

Don't let them stahp you from living your life. You do you.

 

Oh, you tying him down is guilt relieving crp. He had ltr with her while you

were together 99.9 of the breakups are caused by someone else entering

the picture. At the very least by the time they abandon you the dumper

has been emotionally cheating.

 

But why do you think they do this? I just don't get it.

 

As for the LDR, I was talking to me friend last night and she said it's possible he could have met her while he was on leave back in February, which means he may have dumped me for her. Even if that's the case, he's been lying to her too, and he's trying to have sex with people up here as far back as a couple of weeks ago. It hurts to think that he may have met her then, but he's not being any better to her.

 

My guess is his friends heard a completely different story about why you broke up and what happened. He is likely painting you as some kind of raging alcoholic psycho. Never mind how far that is from the truth; that's probably what his friends heard, and they may be watching you as a means of "protecting" him.

 

Luckily, the best thing you can do in this situation is the best thing you could do regardless: ignore them and just be a class act all by yourself. Don't give them any ammunition. After a while they'll see you're no threat, assume you've moved on, and forget about it.

 

You are onto something there. When we first got together, he had so many terrible things to say about his ex before me. He was married to her, but supposedly she "cheated" and he wanted nothing to do with her. She hadn't yet moved up here because they were waiting on military housing. He talked so badly of her and also talked about it to his friends. Starting to think what he told me isn't the whole story, and perhaps he makes it a habit to trash talk the exes he does wrong?

 

Even so, what would me talking to other men have to do with me hurting him? He wasn't even present at the time all this happened last weekend.

[Simon Phoenix]

Even so, what would me talking to other men have to do with me hurting him? He wasn't even present at the time all this happened last weekend.

 

Just because he doesn't want you doesn't mean he wants you to be with others. If you're talking to other men it means you're actively moving on. He likes the concept of you pining for him -- it's a super ego boost.

 

Either way, stop trying to figure out your ex. Concentrate on figuring out you and doing the things to help you.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Just because he doesn't want you doesn't mean he wants you to be with others. If you're talking to other men it means you're actively moving on. He likes the concept of you pining for him -- it's a super ego boost.

 

Either way, stop trying to figure out your ex. Concentrate on figuring out you and doing the things to help you.

 

Sounds kinda selfish. I've made it clear I've moved on already though, in terms of cutting him out of my life.

 

I will keep all that in mind. I'm going out with friends tonight. He may not even be there, but his friends will most likely be. Thanks for the feedback.

[kasop]

He painted a bad picture of you to his friends. Probably because he doesnt want any of his friends to like you. Hes playing victim. But he broke up with YOU. So f him and his friends. Ignore the crap out of them.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sounds kinda selfish. I've made it clear I've moved on already though, in terms of cutting him out of my life.

 

I will keep all that in mind. I'm going out with friends tonight. He may not even be there, but his friends will most likely be. Thanks for the feedback.

 

Of course it's selfish. He's looking out for his interests, why would he care about yours at all? It's time for you to be selfish.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

He painted a bad picture of you to his friends. Probably because he doesnt want any of his friends to like you. Hes playing victim. But he broke up with YOU. So f him and his friends. Ignore the crap out of them.

 

I'm pretty sure you're right, and I really didn't think about that before this thread. It makes sense. He talked so badly of his ex wife when we met. You would think she was Satanic, the way he talked about her. Made her out to be the villain. I'm pretty sure he's doing that to me now. Maybe it's a habit with him? He can't make it work with anyone, so when things go downhill, instead of trying he just dumps them and makes himself out to be the victim?

 

If that's the case, I doubt he can ever be happy with anyone.

 

Of course it's selfish. He's looking out for his interests, why would he care about yours at all? It's time for you to be selfish.

 

Everything is starting to make sense now. I think he met this girl he's talking to while he was on leave down south in February. When he got back, he was so distant. We barely had sex the last two months of our relationship, he started going out even more, he didn't want to be affectionate and he took his phone in the bathroom for long periods of time. I can't believe it took me so long to catch onto it. I feel really stupid.

 

But he makes me out to be the bad one. Huh...

 

As for last night: I had a blast. His roommate was there, and made a rude comment when I walked by. I just ignored him and danced the night away with some very nice guys and my friends.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Well here's a bit of an update: I was literally minding my own business tonight when out of nowhere my ex's best friend walks up to me and tells me he wants to hit me across the face.

 

What is up with these people? I don't deserve this. I was the one who was cheated on and screwed over in the relationship, and dumped. His friends really hate me, harass me when I see them and now this? I felt threatened and walked away. Then another one of his friends yelled at me.

 

It's like I'm back in high school again. These are grown military men threatening me. This is the second of his friends that have threatened to hit me. Am I really that terrible of a person to deserve to be threatened like this?

 

Sorry, I'm just really upset. I don't know what my ex is telling his friends to deserve this type of behavior. I don't talk to these people and I don't want to have to stay in my home every weekend for fear of running into them somewhere. not sure what to do anymore.

[joseb]

Well here's a bit of an update: I was literally minding my own business tonight when out of nowhere my ex's best friend walks up to me and tells me he wants to hit me across the face.

 

 

Have you considered reporting this to the police?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Have you considered reporting this to the police?

 

I guess I could. Not sure if they would take it very serious...

[ZiggyZoo]

I guess I could. Not sure if they would take it very serious...

 

How about their CO? You mentioned that your ex barely got out of some alcohol related program, they already know he's got problems there...

[lana-banana]

How about their CO? You mentioned that your ex barely got out of some alcohol related program, they already know he's got problems there...

 

Exactly what I was going to suggest. Their CO will not look too kindly on threats of violence, and it will be much more effective than going to the police. Report these losers and go book a spa day.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

How about their CO? You mentioned that your ex barely got out of some alcohol related program, they already know he's got problems there...

 

I had thought about that. I can ask my parents how to go about doing it since they know about military.

 

I really hate that it has come down to this though. I mean i would hate to get anyone in trouble that I used to be on good terms with, but this Is crazy! I've never been threatened by a man before and it really shook me up a little.