AMusing Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I've been dating my boyfriend for ~2.5 years now. He's 34, I'm 30. We haven't had a storybook relationship, but we love each other very much and we both want "us" to work. We live in a big city in the southeast. He's got a solid career, while I'm finishing up grad school in the next few months. I hate where we live. I've tried really hard not to dislike it so much, but at heart I'm a northwest, small-city type of woman. I love the outdoors, the mountains, open space, 10-minute commutes, and the attitude of people on the west coast. I miss my family, and would love to live closer to them again. For years, I've promised myself that when I finish school here, I'm moving as far northwest as I can find a decent job in a smallish city. This isn't a secret desire; I remember mentioning it to my BF before we'd even had our first date. Up to now he's been supportive of it, basically saying that he could follow me when it was time to move, although said we would have to compromise a little bit on exactly where we moved to due to his career. He hates his current job (mostly due to terrible management), so is also ready to leave our current city. He's said he really likes the NW a lot, and has said it would be nice to finally live somewhere he loved, too. Well, the time to move is finally here. I have found reasonably good jobs in several cities I would love. I'm never going to make "mad cash," but I will earn enough for me to be comfortable. My BF makes a lot more money. He lives frugally, but has, in his words, gotten used to never worrying about money. He has recently presented to me a list of maybe 5 cities he could earn a great deal of money in (as much or more than he makes now). The trouble is, all 5 sound terrible to me, and not a single one is in the northwest. He could get a job in the NW, mind you, but it would require a drop in salary/prestige. To me, living somewhere we love is worth it. But I guess it's not worth it to him any more. He's been offered a job in a French Canadian city (i.e. eastern Canada). He's there now for an interview, and says he loves it there. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable not to want to move there. But the location, climate, and culture is not at all what I want, and my career would be killed by moving there. I think if I don't follow him (or accept moving to one of the other 4 cities on his list), our relationship will be finished. In the last couple months, he's decided that anything less than those 5 cities is me "demanding that he destroy his career." He talks about "us" having a very comfortable life together if we moved to one of his top cities. But (beyond me hating the cities he's listed), the thing is we aren't moving as a married couple. He hasn't even brought up engagement. His money is his money, not ours. I've wanted it that way (not that he's offered it any other way), but it means I have to protect my career and finances too, right? Even if it means letting go of this man I love?
PogoStick Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 You always have to protect yourself first. If neither of you are willing to compromise then maybe your feelings aren't as strong as you say. Further, if one of you moves to a place they are not truly happy with then it will turn into resentment and destroy the relationship. It's simply, perhaps not easy. Either you need to come to a mutual agreement or it's time to part ways.
mammasita Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 That's a tough decision. The way I see it, any move together "should" be as an engaged or married couple. I mean 2.5 years is long enough, IMO, to know whether you want to get married or not. It's probably about that time to have that talk. As it is you say he hasn't brought up engagement. You have the right to bring up that conversation about wanting to get married too you know. I wouldn't give up my forever happiness of living in your dream location if your plans for the future (i.e. marriage - especially where money is concerned) are not aligned.
PogoStick Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Also, from my own situation. My current residence for the next year is purely functional (University). I tolerate, but do not enjoy it here and future career prospects are weak compared to other locales. I am leaving in a year, girlfriend or not. I let it be known upfront when dating, if she is staying here then our relationship has an expiration date. Since most women here have kids I expect any girls I meet to be staying behind. If location matters as much to you, as it does to me, then you may find it's better to move and then meet a guy already living out there.
Author AMusing Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 I guess I thought moving to a big city in the NW --and letting him choose which one!-- was already a compromise, especially since he likes it there too (I don't really want to live in a big city, but was willing to for him). Regarding the engagement angle: I've consistently been the one to move our relationship forward. I've had to bring up exclusivity, seeing each other more, getting his house dog-friendly so I could spend the night without boarding my dogs…. We don't even live together (his feet are dragging, not mine); I spend about half the week at his house, but I have my own place ~40 minutes away. I really wish just once he could take the lead. I never want to feel like I've "coerced" someone into settling down with me.
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