How do I get rid of hope?

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Hope seems to be the only thing stopping me from completely healing. I don't know why I have hope; she left me after 5 years for another guy and I haven't heard a peep out of her since. In my mind, I don't want her back and I know for a fact that even if she did come back it wouldn't work because I could never trust her again.

 

In my mind, I know that it is over and it's ready to move on. However, I keep having these useless flashbacks of when we were good together. I hate them because I know they aren't reality and I stuff them down when they appear. All they do is halt any progress I've been making (which has been pretty good...I've been working out, going out and meeting people, etc.).

 

I still have urges to contact her occasionally but not to the extent where I'll actually do it. I don't need the pain.

 

Any tips on how to convince my heart that it's being stupid and needs to get on the same page as my mind?

[erklat]

Seems like you're doing everything right. There isn't much you

can do but wait for time to heal all wounds.

[ravfour4]

How long has it been since you talked to her? and what was it like right before that point? Were you friendly? Did things end on a bad or good note?

 

Recognize that those good memories are still good memories, but know that if she wants to talk to you, she would. Also, the fact you're still reminiscing so often likely means you want her back and talking to her while she's with someone else is only going to to hurt and hinder your progress.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

How long has it been since you talked to her? and what was it like right before that point? Were you friendly? Did things end on a bad or good note?

 

Recognize that those good memories are still good memories, but know that if she wants to talk to you, she would. Also, the fact you're still reminiscing so often likely means you want her back and talking to her while she's with someone else is only going to to hurt and hinder your progress.

 

It's been about 1 1/2 months since we've spoke (text). We always had a good relationship (I thought)...no fights, got along...even after we broke up she wanted me to sleep in the same bed...no sex or anything but we'd hold hands or hug each other. I put a stop to that because it didn't feel right to me.

 

I want her back but I don't, if that makes any sense. I want the old her back but I know she doesn't exist anymore...this new her is a stranger to me. That's the part I have trouble with. I know it's counter-productive to even think about her right now and I definitely don't want to talk to her. Ordinarily I wouldn't even want to be friends with someone who lied and disrespected me like she did. It's driving me crazy because logically I know I don't want to have any type of relationship with her right now (if ever).

 

It's just the usual stuff everybody goes through at this point, I guess.

[misspond]

There's a visualisation trick you can use if you're interested. When you get a "flashback" or a picture of her in your mind then don't let it play out - kind of "grab it" in your mind, turn the sound off, turn the colours down until it's black and white, fade the image until it's fuzzy and then make it smaller and smaller and smaller until it becomes a tiny dot in the distance. Then get rid of the dot.

 

Do this every time you are invaded by one of these images or flashbacks. It really does help - and to be honest you can use the technique to help rid yourself of any negative thoughts.

 

Good luck, you really need to be able to move on.

[ravfour4]

I went through the same thing with my ex. She left me after 4 years during a super ****ty time of my life (dad was sick and passed away), turned into a different person and starting loving someone else while still living with me. Things were rough be months prior, lots of arguing and minimal to no intimacy.

 

Logically, I knew she was terrible, but I didn't care, I wanted her back, she made me happy before, I felt like I understood what went wrong and I wanted to fix it. I didn't want to give up. It didn't help that she lied about this person constantly because had she said "ravfour4, I have a new bf" I would have been more likely to back away, but she never admitted to it like that, so I kept trying.

 

After making an effort to show her how I changed every time we met up, she semi left that guy and told me she still had feelings. Then it fell apart and she went back and we stopped talking for 2 weeks, then she came back again and we hung out everyday for 3 weeks, then she went back again. Sure, my chasing "got her back" temporarily, but only temporarily and it eventually pushed her away even further. If she knows you still want her and you left on a good note, that's all you can do. Focus on yourself and if what she has with that guy falls apart, she'll likely be back if the relationship was solid and then you'll have a decision to make .

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

I went through the same thing with my ex. She left me after 4 years during a super ****ty time of my life (dad was sick and passed away), turned into a different person and starting loving someone else while still living with me. Things were rough be months prior, lots of arguing and minimal to no intimacy.

 

Logically, I knew she was terrible, but I didn't care, I wanted her back, she made me happy before, I felt like I understood what went wrong and I wanted to fix it. I didn't want to give up. It didn't help that she lied about this person constantly because had she said "ravfour4, I have a new bf" I would have been more likely to back away, but she never admitted to it like that, so I kept trying.

 

After making an effort to show her how I changed every time we met up, she semi left that guy and told me she still had feelings. Then it fell apart and she went back and we stopped talking for 2 weeks, then she came back again and we hung out everyday for 3 weeks, then she went back again. Sure, my chasing "got her back" temporarily, but only temporarily and it eventually pushed her away even further. If she knows you still want her and you left on a good note, that's all you can do. Focus on yourself and if what she has with that guy falls apart, she'll likely be back if the relationship was solid and then you'll have a decision to make .

 

I'm not sure if she even knows how I feel. I did the usual pathetic stuff when she told me she "needed space" (crying, begging, etc.) but then after that I played it off as nonchalant as I could. I did tell her I loved her and was in love with her, and the last contact I had with her I wished her the best. After that I went full NC. She sent me a breadcrumb about a week later (How's everything going?) but I ignored it. I also blocked her on Facebook, which I'm sure pissed her off (why, I don't know...she left me).

 

Like I said, she disrespected me and broke my trust so I know it wouldn't work even if she were to come back. It doesn't stop my heart from yearning though.

 

GIGS is a bitch, let me tell ya.

[blue_jay_bird]

Time kills most of the hope. Its been three years since I was dumped from a long term relationship.

 

Year one, I hoped he would come back.

 

Year two, I hoped I could just forget him.

 

Year three, I hoped he would apologize and I would find my peace.

 

Hope is human, congratulations. You passed the test of being normal.

 

The only advice I can give is time will make you see clearly.

[Holmes85]

Unlucky_I_Guess,

 

Let me offer you some advice on being hopeful.

 

You are always going to have a hope, the only day you would stop hoping for something is, when you are no longer alive anymore. That is why the people say that "hope is something that makes you keep going".

 

There would be a day that would arrive in the future, when you will have different dreams and hopes than you do now, your hopes and dreams would be replaced by a different person who appreciates you for who you are, values you as a person and breaking up would be the last thing on there mind, that would be the day you would look back and say "I am glad that this happened, otherwise I would not have met this wonderful partner that I have right now".

 

Whereas your Ex-Girlfriend would be ashamed and with guilt and banging her head on the wall saying "what an idiot I was for letting him go, what was I thinking", she might admit it to you someday or she would just save face and wouldn't say anything, but here's the thing, by the time this happens, you won't even care about what she thinks and would be investing your time someone whose worth spending the rest of your life with.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Thanks guys for your responses.

 

Holmes85, it's ironic...I literally just finished reading your ordeal (no other way to put it) before I read your response.

 

You sir, are the man.

 

And bluejay, thanks for the words of encouragement. It gives me some peace to look forward to in the future.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Thanks guys for your responses.

 

Holmes85, it's ironic...I literally just finished reading your ordeal (no other way to put it) before I read your response.

 

You sir, are the man.

 

And bluejay, thanks for the words of encouragement. It gives me some peace to look forward to in the future.

 

He's on the of the few who seems to have his head on right,

Makes solid decisions and gives solid advice,

I mirror your compliment, and to an extent that could make him blush,

Follow his advice and be sure to stay in touch.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

It's funny...this past weekend I was driving to the store and drove by his parent's house (it's on my way) and I guess they had been there visiting. They were pulling out of the drive when I drove past. I didn't even give them a glance but they apparently saw me because they drove way across town to avoid me. I could see them turn off of a street at the edge of town (it's a small town lol). I had to chuckle to myself that they felt the need to do that...I wasn't stalking them or had any intention to and haven't even attempted to contact her for a long time.

 

It didn't bother me at the time, but now for some reason it does. I think their actions were a little bit childish. I just don't know what to think any more other than either he feels threatened by me (he was driving I'm sure) or she now hates me even though I've done nothing to deserve that. I'm sick of all the damn games though. I just want to move on and I will.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for church, I received a text from her mom wishing me a happy Father's Day. I was kinda touched that she would do that and texted back thanks and for her to tell the same to her husband for me.

 

Did I ever receive anything from my ex? Hell no. All this did however was reinforce my feelings lately that she's selfish and immature and that she did me a favor by getting the hell out of my life. Nice to know her parents thought of me though.

 

It sounds kind of silly, but I put a Post-It note on my computer monitor at work with the following on it:

 

SNWI (She's Not Worth It)

 

and

 

LHG (Let Her Go)

 

Any time I start getting anxious (which after this weekend I don't see happening; the Father's Day thing was great for clarity), I look at it and I start to feel better. To each his own, I guess.

Edited June 22, 2015 by Unlucky_I_Guess

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Well, I ran into her at a bar she said she never wanted to go to about 3 weeks ago. She was with the new guy. I talked to her for a while; I acted nonchalant like nothing bothered me (SO not the case). She was polite...that's the only way I can put it. She also looked different...hair was flat, no makeup on, nails not done (all unusual).

 

Well, iI found out why this past Monday. She's pregnant with his kid.

 

Screw you, hope. How do you like that one...

[912brian24]

Man I know it sounds harsh but you've got to just sac up and get over it! I just had to do the same thing and it gets better! So reach down there and grab!

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Man I know it sounds harsh but you've got to just sac up and get over it! I just had to do the same thing and it gets better! So reach down there and grab!

 

I'm working on it man, but you know how the roller coaster goes. You've gotta vent sometimes.

[xpaperxcutx]

A show I was watching had a guy who was in so love with this one girl, he said it was like habit.

 

If love for a person is a habit, especially when that habit is bad for you, you have to make an consicous point to change that habit.

 

My ex broke up with me over 8 months ago, and he has never looked back. Yet here I am pining for him like a bad habit. I have to let go; I am always at my worst when Im with him so I have to forget him.