GoldenGirl2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I mean shouldn't it be easy to let go and stop caring about a man that doesn't care about me or my feelings. Why is it so hard to tell when you're being manipulated and or outright used. Better yet why would someone treat someone like they're nothing that they KNOW cares about them? I don't understand, I have dealt with abandoment issuses from my father being absent in my whole life & It's still something that I struggle with as an adult. I feel like he just left me like I was nothing & had more children smh and is THERE for them. Anyways I blocked this guy I was dealing with number and really have seen him for what he is, yet I still seem to care about him as a person & hope he's ok. Idk why I can't break this feeling.
sunshine2 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I would love to hear the answer to this too. I tend to hold on to men who could care less for much longer then I should too. I don't have abandonment issues though. I think for me it happens when I fall for someone, its a deep feeling and emotion and I am very attached. Im not saying I am clingy, its a feeling deep inside for that person. I guess you can say they have a imprint on my heart. Of course if its was a friend who hurt me, then its easier for me to move on from them then someone I love deeply. What say you Loveshack peeps? LOL
empresario Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 It's not just a female thing. Ever heard the expression (or found yourself saying) "it's easy to judge from the outside". People say that like "you just don't understand my situation". In truth, everyone thinks when someone abuses them or mistreats them that their situation was unique...but it's not. It really is easy to judge from the outside because we aren't clouded by our emotions. Emotions exist to push us forward as a species. They are powerful. They make life worth living. However on the flip side they also make us weak and vulnerable. But, genetically speaking humans are pack animals. The only difference is we also have a complex reasoning system. Dogs show the same distress when they are separated from their pack. You imprint on someone, accept them as your "person", and then they betray that trust. Of course it hurts. We've been taught and are born to survive by forming very inter-personal bonds. It's hard to understand why someone chooses to be selfish, abusive, or hateful when you love them so much...but you can't control other people. The good news is, studies have been done on love and emotional distress. No matter the length of the relationship or how much the person is hurt, it takes 1 year of being away from that person to be happier than you were when you were at the relationship peak happiness.
sunshine2 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 This is great and makes a lot of sense. For me, I was on my way to healing when he contact me after 2 months of NC. Wish he never reached out and that I didn't engage. He went from re-contacting me & talking about us to posting he is in a relationship on FB with someone else, Ouch! And he feels he never mislead me. Not a nice man at all. It's not just a female thing. Ever heard the expression (or found yourself saying) "it's easy to judge from the outside". People say that like "you just don't understand my situation". In truth, everyone thinks when someone abuses them or mistreats them that their situation was unique...but it's not. It really is easy to judge from the outside because we aren't clouded by our emotions. Emotions exist to push us forward as a species. They are powerful. They make life worth living. However on the flip side they also make us weak and vulnerable. But, genetically speaking humans are pack animals. The only difference is we also have a complex reasoning system. Dogs show the same distress when they are separated from their pack. You imprint on someone, accept them as your "person", and then they betray that trust. Of course it hurts. We've been taught and are born to survive by forming very inter-personal bonds. It's hard to understand why someone chooses to be selfish, abusive, or hateful when you love them so much...but you can't control other people. The good news is, studies have been done on love and emotional distress. No matter the length of the relationship or how much the person is hurt, it takes 1 year of being away from that person to be happier than you were when you were at the relationship peak happiness.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 When you're hurt, you have a deeper level of emotional involvement. So it makes sense as to why it would take longer to get over someone you genuinely liked/cared about.
TouchedByViolet Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 It's never been hard for me. Sure sometimes you stick with a relationship a little longer than you should hoping someone improves. Especially if a deep bond existed. I have no problem ending a relationship with anyone at anytime if needed. Family or friend. Disrespect is a deal breaker.
Author GoldenGirl2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 I would love to hear the answer to this too. I tend to hold on to men who could care less for much longer then I should too. I don't have abandonment issues though. I think for me it happens when I fall for someone, its a deep feeling and emotion and I am very attached. Im not saying I am clingy, its a feeling deep inside for that person. I guess you can say they have a imprint on my heart. Of course if its was a friend who hurt me, then its easier for me to move on from them then someone I love deeply. What say you Loveshack peeps? LOL There it is then! This is the exact expression I've been looking for, it's like a deep feeling and I get attached very fast especially if there has been intimacy and you've told me things to feel good about myself. I'm not clingy either it's just that I try to see some in him
Author GoldenGirl2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 It's never been hard for me. Sure sometimes you stick with a relationship a little longer than you should hoping someone improves. Especially if a deep bond existed. I have no problem ending a relationship with anyone at anytime if needed. Family or friend. Disrespect is a deal breaker. I even have the tendency to give "friends" more chances than they deserve, but I am getting better at that.
bene Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 If you would make a list of things you are looking for in a partner, wouldn't "caring about you" make it quite high on the list? People in destructive relationships often say that "he drinks/cheats/lies/is violent but otherwise he has x, y and z qualities and because of this he is sooo right for me. But there is no otherwise, all these traits are part of the same person. It's not a buffet where you can cherry pick only certain traits. If he doesn't care for you and your feelings then he is just not the person for you because this is not what you are looking for in a man. I have found some pretty good insight in the site, for example You?re Not Going Crazy: It Doesn?t Matter If They?re Unavailable or Not That Interested | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue (I hope it's not against some site policy to link).
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I mean shouldn't it be easy to let go and stop caring about a man that doesn't care about me or my feelings. Why is it so hard to tell when you're being manipulated and or outright used. Better yet why would someone treat someone like they're nothing that they KNOW cares about them? I don't understand, I have dealt with abandoment issuses from my father being absent in my whole life & It's still something that I struggle with as an adult. I feel like he just left me like I was nothing & had more children smh and is THERE for them. Anyways I blocked this guy I was dealing with number and really have seen him for what he is, yet I still seem to care about him as a person & hope he's ok. Idk why I can't break this feeling. Caring about someone as a person and hoping he's ok, Those are feelings I hope never go away, "Letting go" of someone who didn't "care" about you, Isn't relevant to hoping they are fine and well too. Wishing them well, and hoping they are ok makes you a decent human being, To be able to care for someone without romance involved, at least from what I'm seeing, You shouldn't ever try to break THOSE feelings, because those are beautiful to feel, Just don't delude yourself into loving someone if the love isn't real.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I mean shouldn't it be easy to let go and stop caring about a man that doesn't care about me or my feelings. Why is it so hard to tell when you're being manipulated and or outright used. Better yet why would someone treat someone like they're nothing that they KNOW cares about them? I don't understand, I have dealt with abandoment issuses from my father being absent in my whole life & It's still something that I struggle with as an adult. I feel like he just left me like I was nothing & had more children smh and is THERE for them. Anyways I blocked this guy I was dealing with number and really have seen him for what he is, yet I still seem to care about him as a person & hope he's ok. Idk why I can't break this feeling. To answer your initial question, OP....it's difficult for you to 'let go' of him emotionally because you have a LOVING and CARING *heart*. And instead of viewing yourself as 'weak', you should view yourself as STRONG. It takes a LOT of courage, strength and vulnerability to love someone with all of your heart, knowing the risks that are involved! You took a risk - and you've learned just how emotionally damaged and abusive some guys can be with a good woman who loved them. Whenever you find yourself starting to think about him and caring if he's "okay" or not, just think back and remember ALL of the hurtful, manipulative, apathetic and verbally abusive things he used to SAY and DO to you. And, if you've told him how you have abandonment issues because your father chose NOT to be in your life, then your ex probably (and cruelly) used that as a 'weapon' to further destroy your self-esteem and to emotionally and verbally continue to abuse you. When you loved someone with all of your heart and you cared for them dearly, and they ended up abusing you and taking your love for granted - it's going to take a while (and maybe longer than that) for your heart and your emotions to HEAL. Employ the NC Rule to the fullest, and I MEAN that. If you don't stick to the NC Rule, every time he contacts you (or you contact him), it'll be like reopening a fresh wound that has just built up scar tissue to heal. Besides, you DO NOT want a person who is that emotionally damaged IN your life in ANY capacity. Leave him alone so he can find another victim to abuse. In the meantime, you need to LOVE yourself enough to ALLOW your heart and your emotions to HEAL from the abuse you've sustained from him. Yes sweetie, time really DOES heal the wounds of a broken heart - but the Healing Time will vary from person to person as well as depending on how much abuse the victim has suffered from. Look forward...don't look back...let yourself heal....and when you feel you're ready to, get out and socialize so you can meet new people! There really are some good (emotionally stable and empathetic) guys out there! But in the future, be VERY careful and wary of who you begin to give your love and trust to...look out for any Red Flags or Warning Signs that shows that a guy may NOT be relationship material and that he may be naricissistic ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central ) in addition to being manipulative, controlling, apathetic and verbally abusive. As long as you continuously look out for YOUR best interests and well-being, you will eventually end up in a relationship with a good guy who has decent character traits and who is emotionally stable and healthy. ~ Good luck & God Bless! . 2
Author GoldenGirl2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 To answer your initial question, OP....it's difficult for you to 'let go' of him emotionally because you have a LOVING and CARING *heart*. And instead of viewing yourself as 'weak', you should view yourself as STRONG. It takes a LOT of courage, strength and vulnerability to love someone with all of your heart, knowing the risks that are involved! You took a risk - and you've learned just how emotionally damaged and abusive some guys can be with a good woman who loved them. Whenever you find yourself starting to think about him and caring if he's "okay" or not, just think back and remember ALL of the hurtful, manipulative, apathetic and verbally abusive things he used to SAY and DO to you. And, if you've told him how you have abandonment issues because your father chose NOT to be in your life, then your ex probably (and cruelly) used that as a 'weapon' to further destroy your self-esteem and to emotionally and verbally continue to abuse you. When you loved someone with all of your heart and you cared for them dearly, and they ended up abusing you and taking your love for granted - it's going to take a while (and maybe longer than that) for your heart and your emotions to HEAL. Employ the NC Rule to the fullest, and I MEAN that. If you don't stick to the NC Rule, every time he contacts you (or you contact him), it'll be like reopening a fresh wound that has just built up scar tissue to heal. Besides, you DO NOT want a person who is that emotionally damaged IN your life in ANY capacity. Leave him alone so he can find another victim to abuse. In the meantime, you need to LOVE yourself enough to ALLOW your heart and your emotions to HEAL from the abuse you've sustained from him. Yes sweetie, time really DOES heal the wounds of a broken heart - but the Healing Time will vary from person to person as well as depending on how much abuse the victim has suffered from. Look forward...don't look back...let yourself heal....and when you feel you're ready to, get out and socialize so you can meet new people! There really are some good (emotionally stable and empathetic) guys out there! But in the future, be VERY careful and wary of who you begin to give your love and trust to...look out for any Red Flags or Warning Signs that shows that a guy may NOT be relationship material and that he may be naricissistic ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central ) in addition to being manipulative, controlling, apathetic and verbally abusive. As long as you continuously look out for YOUR best interests and well-being, you will eventually end up in a relationship with a good guy who has decent character traits and who is emotionally stable and healthy. ~ Good luck & God Bless! . Thank you SO much for even taking the time out of your day to respond to my question, all day I've just been feeling indifferent to the world as a person. Telling myself how and what I feel is not normal. The way my feeling go up and down about him like a roller coaster. all because of the mixed feelings and signals he's shown me from the time we met. From going out with me and making me feel like he was interested, to him canceling dates to him having sex with me, to ignoring my calls and text then days later telling me he misses me and it just never stopped. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and uplifting my spirits because I really needed support at this time. God bless you too! 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 It's not about love, it's about pride, it's about being unable to accept the situation for what it is and needing to have some kind of redemption or salvation...it becomes more about love, and more about acceptance. Most people are simply baffled and awed by the fact the other person doesn't care or feel the way they do, so they keep pushing and lurking to find some kind of validation and redemption. It's a silly game, one you should only play once. And don't do the whole narcissistic disorder labeling crap, just move on and get over it...it really doesn't matter what their problem is, nor are you a psychologist certified of figuring it out. Instead of being butthurt and figuring out a way to make yourself feel better by diagnosing the other person with some psychological problem...figure out yourself and your own problem, and move on as soon as possible...otherwise you're just going to go around in circles with it for no reason, you're just trying to find some silly reason to understanding something you are incapable of understanding emotionally.
SycamoreCircle Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 You're defining the person as someone who hurt you. We can only be hurt by people we care deeply about. So, your question can be effectively phrased, "Why can't we let go of the people we care deeply about?" That question answers itself. Find a way to care about them but know that you can't have them in your life. That you can still care about someone who hurt you says a great deal about you. Appreciate that in yourself. Understand that just because someone is abusive and toxic, they still deserve love. What kind of love do they deserve? That is what you are finding out. 1
preraph Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I mean shouldn't it be easy to let go and stop caring about a man that doesn't care about me or my feelings. Why is it so hard to tell when you're being manipulated and or outright used. Better yet why would someone treat someone like they're nothing that they KNOW cares about them? I don't understand, I have dealt with abandoment issuses from my father being absent in my whole life & It's still something that I struggle with as an adult. I feel like he just left me like I was nothing & had more children smh and is THERE for them. Anyways I blocked this guy I was dealing with number and really have seen him for what he is, yet I still seem to care about him as a person & hope he's ok. Idk why I can't break this feeling. Because how they are has absolutely nothing to do with you. How they act has nothing to do with how much you care. They are who they are. Your caring or love does not change them. Loving someone and being loyal to them has never stopped an abusive man from abusing. It only makes them go farther, because you'll put up with it.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 It's that feeling that no matter what you do you are abandoned. That awful grieving cycle. Once you accept that it will be always painful and that you will feel it stronger than others, you will make peace with it. It's part of your life, accept it. 1
Author GoldenGirl2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 It's not about love, it's about pride, it's about being unable to accept the situation for what it is and needing to have some kind of redemption or salvation...it becomes more about love, and more about acceptance. Most people are simply baffled and awed by the fact the other person doesn't care or feel the way they do, so they keep pushing and lurking to find some kind of validation and redemption. It's a silly game, one you should only play once. And don't do the whole narcissistic disorder labeling crap, just move on and get over it...it really doesn't matter what their problem is, nor are you a psychologist certified of figuring it out. Instead of being butthurt and figuring out a way to make yourself feel better by diagnosing the other person with some psychological problem...figure out yourself and your own problem, and move on as soon as possible...otherwise you're just going to go around in circles with it for no reason, you're just trying to find some silly reason to understanding something you are incapable of understanding emotionally. I never diagnosed him with anything, and you're being rude, condescending and apathetic. These type of comments are not wanted here. Thank You!
Recommended Posts