Was it emotional abuse?

[Dimlight00]

I know these threads are somewhat classic, but I would really appreciate help on this issue.

 

So, I (17/f) broke up recently with my boyfriend (19/m) of 6 months. It was an ugly incident that I had already posted about on here, so I won't go into detail about it right now. We've been away for two weeks and he tried to contact me to get back together, yet I refused and he started calling me selfish and saying how, if it weren't for my big ego the relationship would've actually worked out wonderfully. Now I am left with really contradictory feelings: I feel extremely guilty for causing him pain by breaking up with him (and it was the third time I have done it, which makes me feel even more miserable, though the previous times it was just me feeling completely drowned in this relationship) and I have struggles realising if this relationship was indeed toxic like I view it, or not.

 

So, a quick insight: He had some anger issues and they have escalated quite chaotically in the past 6 or so weeks and his reactions were quite bad. I can understand anger, I know it's all about strong emotions, especially when it is with a good, legit cause, but each time he got angry at me it would be for really insignificant things and it would happen almost daily.

 

The thing is that the he told me at the beginning that he self-diagnosed himself as suffering from depression, yet no one except from me knew about it, and I tried to get him to therapy and to improve his life quality, kind of, to make sure that he's always in a stress-free environment, that he's eating properly, exercising, going out, thinking positively and what not. However, he always denied all of it, and kept telling me that "I was the only one that could save him and that it was my duty to do it, not some therapist's". And I swear I tried to be his best friend, girlfriend, his therapist, his medication, he even told me that he would like me to kind of play the role of his mother, which I gladly accepted. I was really trying to help him overcome it but I realised, over time, that he simply didn't want to do anything at all for it. I know that depression comes with lots of self-pity, but I literally couldn't see the smallest spark of the will to overcome it from him.

 

He would tell me that I was always a trigger for his depression, that I was very selfish, stubborn, cold, unloving, that I didn't care enough for him, that I was useless most of the times and kept nitpicking literally everything I was doing. I tried to do my best, to be loving, loyal, always bubbly and fun around him and to really take care of him, but it would never be enough. There was always something that would upset him (and those were really insignificant things) and he would tell me how "he loved me so much yet I was treating him poorly and that he would soon have enough of all of my mistakes and selfishness" and so on.

 

Now, the thing is that he was very very possessive and jealous. At times, it was frightening. I used alsmost all of my free time with him, yet whenever I wanted to spend a little time with my girlfriends, family or just doing casual stuff for myself, he would be very upset and act all hurt. During our relationship I abandoned almost completely going out with the girls, since he wanted me to spend all of my time with him. I remember one time I was telling him about my family, my parents have great issues and the non-stop fights are really ugly all the time, so I told him that these hurt me a lot and get me all teary and what not. His reaction was: "you're not crying as much when WE fight, I guess I'm not as f*cking important". There were many other reactions like this one.

 

I was not allowed to have any male friends and I understood, to some extent, that he was just afraid of losing me, but those were buddies I had for the longest time (years) and I loved just casually chatting with them at school, for example, yet I was not allowed to, because he said that I might want to flirt with them and eventually cheat on him. That was kind of hurtful, because I have never ever given him even the smallest reason to ever doubt me and I have always been faithful.

 

There were times when random boys would pass by us on the street and sometimes our views would cross accidentally and he would start yelling at me, imagining that I had an interest in them. I had to be very careful of what I said next to him, because he would always misinterpret it and get upset. It was like walking of eggshells.

 

Whenever he got angry at me for nothing and I tried to defend myself he would accuse me of "always wanting things to be my way and not giving a cr*p about how he felt" and he would eventually manipulate me into thinking that it was my fault all the time. So, for the last 6 months, he made me feel like I was always at fault and I kept believing it.

 

I felt caged all the time and I simply couldn't feel as if I were a girlfriend for him, it was more like I was an object, some kind of possession which had the duty to save him from his misery and was supposed to always act perfectly so as to not upset him.

 

There would be more to talk about, but it would be really long. However, things bottled up and I, eventually, decided I couldn't take it anymore. I have read alot about emotional abuse and it looks just like what I have experienced and now I have a very hard time healing.

 

My question is: was I a self-absorbed, horrible individual who just got the easy way out when things got ugly? Or was it the right thing to do? Because I feel really selfish and evil for abandoning him.

Is what he has done in the past months considered as emotional abuse? Because it had really left some ugly scars and he has completely altered my way of thinking, from manipulating that it was always my fault to making me believe that that was the way any relationship should be and that I wouldn't find anything better, since that was what I deserved.

[DexterLS]

It was.

 

You didn't abandon him. It's not fair to you to go through this. You did the right thing by breaking up.

 

You're still young and you will meet plenty of guys in the future who will provide you with a much healthier relationship. Just go No Contact and start healing yourself today.

 

All the best.

[Dimlight00]

It was.

 

You didn't abandon him. It's not fair to you to go through this. You did the right thing by breaking up.

 

You're still young and you will meet plenty of guys in the future who will provide you with a much healthier relationship. Just go No Contact and start healing yourself today.

 

All the best.

 

Thank you. I have to say that, in the least, I acknowledge the fact that it felt really unhealthy most of the times and, as much as the guilt is eating me alive, I still feel more free than I've been these past months.

[Arieswoman]

Dimlight00,

Well, you're not so dim as your name suggests because you got rid of this mean, controling, nasty person.

 

He would tell me that I was always a trigger for his depression, that I was very selfish, stubborn, cold, unloving, that I didn't care enough for him, that I was useless most of the times and kept nitpicking literally everything I was doing.

 

He's just a sad individual who won't be happy with anyone. If you were as awful as he says why didn't he finish it?

 

The only thing you did wrong was try and fix him. If people are motivated enough they fix themselves, they don't rely on a partner to do it.

 

Now you can move on and find someone who will treat you as a equal.

 

And, yes, it was emotional abuse.

 

Good luck x

[Dimlight00]

Thank you for the reply! Well he kept saying that no matter how bad I treated him, he would never be able to break up with me.

I have tried to get out of this relationship a couple of times before but he would always somehow promise me that he changed and lure me back in (my fault for being so gullible and actually believing him, I know). But I really tried my best, each time I was left with a feeling that I didn't quite do my best for this relationship to work and that I had to put much more effort into it.

 

I still believe that he is, in fact, a good person. When he wasn't controlling, possessive etc, he was actually very sweet and loving, so I kept hoping that I would get to see this side of him much more if I sticked around. I genuinely wished for this to work out.

[elaine567]

I still believe that he is, in fact, a good person. When he wasn't controlling, possessive etc, he was actually very sweet and loving, so I kept hoping that I would get to see this side of him much more if I sticked around. I genuinely wished for this to work out.

 

Abusers are not nasty through and through, else no-one would stay with them, they all have a good side.

They deliberately create good memories as the "good side", is what keeps people stuck to them. It is a lure to set the trap.

As a poster here once said re her relationship - she had 1 year of heaven, but she spent 7 years of hell hoping that lovely person of the first year would come back, he never did. He trapped her, by making it soooo good, she always wanted that back, she wanted to fix him, but the "nice" was not who he truly was, the "nasty" was the real him.

[Downtown]

Each time he got angry at me it would be for really insignificant things and it would happen almost daily.... He told me at the beginning that he self-diagnosed himself as suffering from depression.

Dimlight, what you're describing seems to go well beyond simple depression. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, very controlling behavior, irrational jealousy, verbal abuse, physical abuse (pushing and grabbing), feelings of entitlement, lack of empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning those for stroke and breast cancer -- is to help you protect yourself from a toxic situation by learning how to spot the warning signs.

 

He would tell me that I was always a trigger for his depression.

If he really is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong BPD traits), it would be more accurate to say that you were a trigger for his two great fears: abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy). Due to the abandonment fear, BPDers typically will try to control every aspect of their partners' private lives and will exhibit strong, irrational jealousy. And due to the engulfment fear, BPDers typically will feel so suffocated during intimate moments that they will create arguments afterwards to push you away and give them breathing space.

 

I had to be very careful of what I said next to him.... It was like walking of eggshells.

That feeling of "walking on eggshells" is a warning sign for being abused by someone with strong traits of a personality disorder. Although this is true for several PDs (e.g., narcissism and Avoidant PD), the strongest association is with BPD. Indeed, the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

He has completely altered my way of thinking, from manipulating that it was always my fault to making me believe that that was the way any relationship should be and that I wouldn't find anything better, since that was what I deserved.

If you were only feeling confused, consider yourself lucky if you were dating a BPDer. It is common in BPDer relationships for the abused partner to not only feel confused but to also feel like she might be losing her mind. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. The result is that therapists usually see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

I feel really selfish and evil for abandoning him.

As Dexter observes, you did not abandon your exBF. Instead, you established strong personal boundaries and made it clear what the consequences would be if he violated those boundaries. He was the one who chose to do so. You simply allowed him to suffer the logical consequences of his own bad choices and bad behavior. To do otherwise, you would have harmed him by "enabling" his bad behavior, i.e., you would have harmed him by giving him a free pass to continue behaving like a spoiled child and getting away with it. Such enabling behavior would have been harmful because it would have destroyed his incentives to confront his own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

I still believe that he is, in fact, a good person. When he wasn't controlling, possessive etc, he was actually very sweet and loving

If he does have strong BPD traits, his being "sweet and loving" is not a surprise. The BPDers' problem is not being "bad" but, rather, being "emotionally unstable." And, as Elaine said, abusive partners typically "have a good side." My experience is that the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who can be caring and considerate with business associates, casual friends, and total strangers.

 

The reason they interact so well with those folks is that none of them pose a threat to the BPDer's two fears. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause a suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why BPDers usually can treat those people so well all day long -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

 

Moreover, during a 4 to 6 month honeymoon period, a BPDer usually will even treat his partner with love and affection. He's able to do this because his infatuation convinces him that the partner poses no threat to the two fears. As soon as that infatuation starts to evaporate, however, the two fears return and the partner will start triggering them. The result is that the abuse will begin.

 

As I noted above, you cannot diagnose your Ex's issues but you are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. Doing so may help you avoid being in another toxic relationship in the future. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Dimlight.

[Dimlight00]

@elaine567 - you are absolutely right. The beginning was a lot different, in the way that he acted totally different, which is what actually drawed me to him. Then it all started going downhill. I just couldn't bring myself to accept the ideq that he was an "emotional abuser", I have always refused to believe that, to me he was just a troubled person with a lot of issues, struggling under the weight of the world. And so I really wanted to help him, thinking that if I changed according to his needs and accepted his behaviour as well as the constant blaming and drama, eventually he would become like he was at the beginning. Now I realize it was all an illusion, sadly, and it is even more painful knowing that. I was genuinely hoping for this one to last.

 

@Downtown - thank you so much for the detailed analysis, I have started doing my own research on these type of behaviours and coupling my findings with all of the info you have provided for me. To be very honest, I was always in denial. I kept reading about these issues online, aswell as other people's stories, yet I would always just brush it off with a "that's so ridiculous of me to think that my boyfriend is like that. I mean, he's my boyfriend, he's sweet and kind and really not that bad". So i just kept letting myself be manipulated.

 

He tried to contact me a few times after the break-up, the most recent one being yesterday. Basically, he started off very angry that I didn't contact him (I thought the right thing to do was to go NC, so as to not give him any false hopes, I don't want to hurt him) at all to see how he's doing (he actually told me that he was fuming at that moment) and then calmed down and tried to tell me that he has changed (in 2 weeks?! No, i did not believe it either, though I had believed it before twice and now I know it's all just a lure for me), that he resolved all of his issues (again, in 2 weeks!?) and that he's giving me the choice of getting back ro him at any time in the future. I already told him that I am 100% sure I can't possibly expose myself to that level of toxicity again and that he has already done enough, so I don't wish to experience anything similar (again, for like the fourth time).

 

He started telling me how he was the one who suffered the most and how "what I have been through in this relationship is nowhere near the level of hurt he felt" and I have to say, he seemed really convincing in his attpt at making me feel guilty for leaving and manipulating me into believing I was still the bad guy here, while also sugarcoating it, though I kept my ground. I'm positive in my decision right now, and I will try to move on and heal after all that has happened and eventually, over the next period of time, maybe I will find someone less toxic. A new relationship is definitely not a priority for me right now, nor will it be too soon. I'll just focus on studying, university exams and spending time with friends/family/on my own to keep my mind occupied the whole time. Whenever I don't, my mind starts to wander and I think about him again, delusionally thinking of the brief "good times" we had.

Edited June 14, 2015 by Dimlight00