There are no rules

[yxalitis]

 

OK, there is a lot of great advice and help for people in all sorts of relationship turmoil on these forums (correct pluralisation, BTW, not Forii).

 

But, and, this is a big but...no one here is an expert in relationships, we are, after all, just a bunch of people on the internet sharing personal experiences.

 

That's fine, perfect, this is why this (and a million other ) forums exist..

 

However, and this is a big however, there are opinions aired here frequently, and with much vigor, that are stated as fact.

Moreover, absolute facts with which no dissent may be voiced.

 

There is no situation in which an absolute rule can be applied to human emotion, this isn't quantum physics, brain surgery, or rocket science.

 

There are no dating rules....only guidelines (cue repeating above clip)

Don't call back for xx days

Don't be needy

Don't have sex on the first date

Don't move in for xx specific and exact months

Be cool, guys be distant, girls be...something else

 

Auugh!

 

For every case where these statements apply, there is another where they don't.

 

I'm not going to drag my own examples into this, but reading replies to my threads, and dozens of others, I will read:

 

"Go NC, because this specific and exact circumstance has occurred"

"Oh, you f'ed up big time by calling her the next morning"

"that was way over the top, you shouldn't have been so enthusiastic"

 

Sage advice...sometimes

But every person on these forums will, regardless, follow their own heart, almost certainly they haven't given a complete picture of the events surrounding their: disaster date/breakup/affair/reconciliation/attempted murder/whatever

Worse, readers often skim the entire account, cherry pick quotes, and launch judgement of an entirely excessive nature based on scant information.

 

Each and every one of us is simply stating our opinion, this is fine, but perhaps if the vehemence of some responses took this into account, we would had a more harmonious board.

 

Why am I posting this?

 

There is the very, very great possibility that a workable relationship is lost through the harsh words of a few.

 

Since I am a great believer in reconciliation, second chances, and just giving it a bloody go..it saddens me to think that in at least some examples, good people get inappropriate advice, and lose a wonderful relationship.

[ohjulian]

You're quite right, but I would shudder to think that someone would break off a relationship solely based on what someone on a forum had to say. I doubt that is really happening. Hopefully people are using these opinions to solidify what they already knew and were going to do anyway, not to dictate their lives.

[TaraMaiden2]

The plural of forum is fora, not forii.

 

The plural is only used generally for scientific or literary contexts, and is deemed commonly archaic, even if grammatically correct.

 

And that is unambiguous advice.

[aloneinaz]

There are no absolute rules in much of life. But as it pertains to dating, break ups and relationships, there are PROVEN things that work and PROVEN things that don't. Some listen to the experienced voices and others think they know better.

 

 

Example-

Someone posts they want to break NC and contact their ex who dumped them and asks this forum what they should do. Everyone replies to NOT do that. They don't listen to anyone and go "with their heart". The next day they post that they need support because they are ruined, destroyed, hurt and crying because the dumped told them to stop bothering them.

 

 

Its like trying to tell a kid not to play with matches so they don't get burned. They do anyway and you know the result.

 

 

People are smart enough to read peoples advice and go with what seems to be most logical advice. Other's don't listed (repeatedly) to much more experienced people than them and continue to burn themselves.

[yxalitis]

The plural of forum is fora, not forii.

 

The plural is only used generally for scientific or literary contexts, and is deemed commonly archaic, even if grammatically correct.

 

And that is unambiguous advice.

 

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

 

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me two mongooses."

 

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

 

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongeese."

 

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

 

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongi."

 

Ahh, **** it, I thought,

 

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

 

Oh, while you're at it, please send me another one."

[Versacehottie]

how quite right, your post. I think much of the time people that are posting are in a "grey area" situation and need some generalized advice not a chorus of "dump him/her!!!". You're a loser, he's a loser. Too often pieces of the story are cherry picked out and then posters project their own very skewed experiences onto OP's situation. Hope the majority of people are taking advice with somewhat of a grain of salt. Sadly though, a lot of people are in crisis mode and don't think that's the case. Hopefully if the OPs are paying attention and have good enough social skills, they can weed through the advice and hear the perspective from which it was given. There are some posters who post a lot who give sage advice almost always. Conversely, there are some posters who give sh8t advice almost always. Some people give good advice in a sh8t tone. It is the internet so I guess expect a variety of perspectives and personalities!!!

[Gaeta]

I wish 25 years ago I could have gone on a forum and tell people about the struggles in my relationship. I was young, with no experience, isolated from family and friends, married to an abuser. I wish a bunch of people would have explained to me that what my husband did to me was abuse and I did not have to endure it just because we were married. Instead I kept his abuse a secret for 15 years and never told a soul because I was too ashamed. I am sure telling a bunch of strangers about my struggles would have helped me understand in what dysfunctional and destructive marriage I was.

 

ETA: That goes for dating as well. There are a lot of dating stories on here that are abusive in many ways. When people are emotionally involved they sometimes lack good judgement. I can see clearly in someone else situation but it's very hard for me to use judgement in my own dating stories. That's why it helps me post and get other people's opinion. I still need to use good common sense when I read replies to my thread.

Edited June 12, 2015 by Gaeta