vc87 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I was at my boyfriends house last weekend, and I left my phone charging on his bed and I put it screen side down and I went downstairs to brush my teeth. When I came back a few minutes later the phone was face up.. Originally didn't think anything of it, but when I opened my text folder, the name of someone who is a friend of mine (Who I will admit - I also previously dated and liked before my current relationship.. My boyfriend knows about him.. Something happened about a month ago where he saw a message I sent to him but he wasn't happy about.. A stupid drunken comment that I regretted saying).. He had texted me about something the day prior and I responded but I knew I hadn't looked at his messages before I went downstairs so I thought it was a little weird.. After I got back upstairs, my boyfriend didn't seem himself and he seemed quiet and like something happened.. I kept asking him what was wrong and he said nothing.. We ended up going for a walk.. On our walk he made a comment and something came up where he mentioned my friends name and then if things don't work out, I'll probably go back to dating him.. It all just hit me by surprise because it really came out of nowhere.. But then it dawned on me that he was probably reading my texts because why else what his name is pop up out of the blue.. Earlier in the day I was also talking with another friend of mine via text about wanting to go out more instead of just hanging at my bfs house, and surprisingly him taking me out more came up too.. Things are weird for a few minutes and we ended up having a little chat.. I reassured my boyfriend that I want him to be able to feel like he can trust me and there really is nothing between me and my friend anymore - only a platonic friendship.. And things were fine after that.. I didn't want to straight up accuse him of reading my messages because I would feel stupid if I was wrong, but after I left later that afternoon, my boyfriend apologized for what happened, so I said I wanted to talk to him about something.. So I explained what happened and thought I didkt want to accuse him, that's why I had a feeling that he was reading my messages and why that little tiff all happened.. He told me that he wouldn't do that.. though he does trust me, he would be afraid to see something that might make him upset..And sometimes things just pop into his head about the message he previously read which at the time caused another tiff.. As much as i want to believe his word, part of me still feels like he did, just seems too much of a coincidence that all of this stuff came up out of the blue.. Has anyone ever had to deal with a significant other reading their messages? I truly have nothing to hide but part of me just feels a little betrayed.. Any thoughts??
Gary S Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Obviously both of you have some trust issues. I think you both have to work on letting it go, and stop escalating the issue. You can only love someone as far as you can trust them. 2
jen1447 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 fwiw, I'd say the physical evidence is um, overwhelming. Don't try to bargain on his behalf - he snooped. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 If you have nothing to hide what is the big deal if he did read your texts? 2
Author vc87 Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 I really don't have anything to hide - I told him that and that is really the honest truth.. I'm really not trying to make more out of this then there has to be, I was just kind of curious how people would react if their significant other read messages on their phone.. I never had to deal with snooping before.. Even though I have nothing to hide it just feels kind of like privacy was violated a tiny tiny bit
mandymor Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 It always amazes me how people get all excited about people looking through their phone. Humans are curious by nature, when you tell someone don't look now or whatever you do, don't turn around, that's the first thing they want to do. If you have nothing to hide, then just let it go. If you have something to hide or if you want to find out if he did snoop, then I would suggest password protecting your phone. Then the next time he tries to get in your phone he can't. Then he might say something about it and then you bust him for trying to look through your phone. 2
Lansing Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Years ago I was dating a girl and I was on her computer and came across something (I forget what now at this point) that made me question something. I ended up doing a search on her computer for one of her ex-bfs names and came across a chat log (back in MSN days) of her talking to him. It wasn't my native language but there was talk of them kissing/etc and it was WHILE we were dating. I thought maybe I misunderstood it so I just closed it down. I tried to delete the search record but she had some app on her computer that showed changes or something and somehow she found out that I deleted the search record and she questioned me about it. In the end, I felt like the "guilty" one but she never really explained what happened with the guy. In retrospect, I would have handled it very differently and I probably would have put her on the defensive. However, I know now that snooping is a bad idea regardless. If you get to the point where you feel a need to snoop the relationship is probably doomed already. If he is snooping he probably doesn't trust you... As other poster said, it is all about trust... and you don't trust him that he is telling you the truth about not snooping... Oh, and bottom line, we broke up not long after this whole thing happened.
Keenly Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 on the one hand, I'm not a fan of privacy invasion. On the other, it's not like he did it without cause. I don't kno. Just let it go and continue to work on rebuilding the trust from your last slip up. 1
writergal Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I really don't have anything to hide - I told him that and that is really the honest truth.. I'm really not trying to make more out of this then there has to be, I was just kind of curious how people would react if their significant other read messages on their phone.. I never had to deal with snooping before.. Even though I have nothing to hide it just feels kind of like privacy was violated a tiny tiny bit Sure, you do have a lot that you're hiding. 1) You are bored staying at your boyfriend's house instead of going out. Earlier in the day I was also talking with another friend of mine via text about wanting to go out more instead of just hanging at my bfs house, 2) You still have feelings for your ex-bf or you wouldn't have sent him a steamy text while drunk. the name of someone who is a friend of mine (Who I will admit - I also previously dated and liked before my current relationship.. My boyfriend knows about him.. Something happened about a month ago where he saw a message I sent to him but he wasn't happy about.. A stupid drunken comment that I regretted saying).. Until you can admit the role you play in your current r/s problems, your 'privacy' issues that you think exist, will persist. Your current bf no longer trusts you based on the fact that you aren't being honest with him. Did you at least apologize to your current bf for sending that text to your ex? Was it that you still had feelings for him? That's the only kind of text that could upset your current bf. This is why you should leave your exes in the past. Why not talk to your bf about wanting to go out more, instead of talking about it behind his back with your friend. If I read that text, I would be offended too. I'd wonder why I was with someone who isn't mature enough to just talk to me about their concerns, who would rather text behind my back about it with their friends. I think that you must have feelings for your ex-bf, that you aren't willing to admit to yourself possibly? I have no idea but it's just a guess. How long has he been an ex? How long have you been dating your current bf? I feel bad for your current bf. He clearly snooped on your phone because he feels that you aren't being honest with him. And you haven't been. I think the only way to regain your current bf's trust is to stop texting your ex-bf, and instead of complaining about your r/s via text to your friends, talk directly to your current bf about your concerns. Face to face communication trumps digital communication where conflict is concerned. 3
TunaCat Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I'd be pissed if I was dating someone and they read my texts. Not because I have something to hide, but because it's rude & a major privacy violation. Looking through my phone/email without asking me first is not okay with me. Period. 4
Toodaloo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I actually have no problem with this at all... You have in the past given him reason to suspect. Personally I have no problems at all if someone I am dating wants to read my emails and texts etc... Doesn't bother me at all... 3
Author vc87 Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 I have mentioned to my boyfriend in the past about going out more..I don't mind staying on sometimes but I was ways the type who was out and about doing things.. not really was one to just want to stay home all the time.. The guy who I dated was never officially a boyfriend, but we were "hanging out" for a good 4-5 months.. I really liked him a lot before my current boyfriend came into the picture.. I honestly did still have some feelings for him while I started dating my boyfriend now.. But they have diminished quite a bit.. Because we are friends occasionally I do think of him from time to time but it's not in the lovey way anymore.. As far as the text that I sent to him.. I mad a comment that I wanted to kiss him and how he was the one that got away.. My boyfriend saw that and I understand completely why he would be upset.. I know I would be to.. I felt really bad that whole situation happens and apologized many times for it.. Ever since I sent that text it kind of made me realize how much I do love my boyfriend now and how stupid it was or me to say something like that.. My boyfriend made a comment that maybe I feel like things would've been more exciting if I ended up with the other guy as far as going out and all, and sometimes he feels like he's not being a good boyfriend.. He tells me he loves me so much and is just afraid of losing me.. As far as my current BF, we have known each other since middle schools but never really were close friends.. we've got back in touch earlier this year in January.. We talking for a couple months and started hanging out in March.. We have been together/dating ever since then..
Toodaloo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 He doesn't owe you trust. You have to earn it back. Jesus - why on earth did you say such a thing? I actually feel really sorry for your boyfriend. No wonder he is feeling the way he does. Just let him look at your phone if you have nothing to hide. 3
writergal Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I have mentioned to my boyfriend in the past about going out more..I don't mind staying on sometimes but I was ways the type who was out and about doing things.. not really was one to just want to stay home all the time.. The guy who I dated was never officially a boyfriend, but we were "hanging out" for a good 4-5 months.. I really liked him a lot before my current boyfriend came into the picture.. I honestly did still have some feelings for him while I started dating my boyfriend now.. But they have diminished quite a bit.. Because we are friends occasionally I do think of him from time to time but it's not in the lovey way anymore.. As far as the text that I sent to him.. I mad a comment that I wanted to kiss him and how he was the one that got away.. My boyfriend saw that and I understand completely why he would be upset.. I know I would be to.. I felt really bad that whole situation happens and apologized many times for it.. Ever since I sent that text it kind of made me realize how much I do love my boyfriend now and how stupid it was or me to say something like that.. My boyfriend made a comment that maybe I feel like things would've been more exciting if I ended up with the other guy as far as going out and all, and sometimes he feels like he's not being a good boyfriend.. He tells me he loves me so much and is just afraid of losing me.. As far as my current BF, we have known each other since middle schools but never really were close friends.. we've got back in touch earlier this year in January.. We talking for a couple months and started hanging out in March.. We have been together/dating ever since then.. Well that is definitely one of those 'whoops!' moments in life. Are you absolutely certain that your feelings for your male friend are completely gone now? So it sounds like your current r/s is new, despite the fact that you two have known each other since middle school. It's pretty clear that your boyfriend snooped if you came back and found your phone turned the wrong way than when you left it on your boyfriend's bed. I can understand why he snooped. He has told you that he's not sure he's who you want as a boyfriend, based on your actions with your male friend and that drunken text. I think if your male friend wasn't in the picture, then your boyfriend wouldn't have snooped on your phone. Probably a good idea to stop texting your male friend and focus on regaining your boyfriend's trust if he's really the one you want to be with. But if he's not, this would be the time to let him go, and to try things with your male friend who you are/were attracted to. 1
minime13 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I'm sure you feel as betrayed as he does about this: Who I will admit - I also previously dated and liked before my current relationship.. My boyfriend knows about him.. Something happened about a month ago where he saw a message I sent to him but he wasn't happy about.. A stupid drunken comment that I regretted saying Also, the fact that you're not being honest about your now "platonic" relationship with a former lover, considering the above quote. You guys have some real trust issues - the only way to work them out is to be honest with each other, both of you. Of course he read your messages, but can you really blame him for it, considering the communication you've had with your not-completely-platonic friendship with your former lover? Especially since you continue to hang onto this guy even after such disrespectful and inappropriate texts? Choose one - boyfriend or friend. That's the only way this will work out, if you want to earn your own trust back. Then, if you choose the boyfriend, he can work on earning your trust back.
Redhead14 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I was at my boyfriends house last weekend, and I left my phone charging on his bed and I put it screen side down and I went downstairs to brush my teeth. When I came back a few minutes later the phone was face up.. Originally didn't think anything of it, but when I opened my text folder, the name of someone who is a friend of mine (Who I will admit - I also previously dated and liked before my current relationship.. My boyfriend knows about him.. Something happened about a month ago where he saw a message I sent to him but he wasn't happy about.. A stupid drunken comment that I regretted saying).. He had texted me about something the day prior and I responded but I knew I hadn't looked at his messages before I went downstairs so I thought it was a little weird.. After I got back upstairs, my boyfriend didn't seem himself and he seemed quiet and like something happened.. I kept asking him what was wrong and he said nothing.. We ended up going for a walk.. On our walk he made a comment and something came up where he mentioned my friends name and then if things don't work out, I'll probably go back to dating him.. It all just hit me by surprise because it really came out of nowhere.. But then it dawned on me that he was probably reading my texts because why else what his name is pop up out of the blue.. Earlier in the day I was also talking with another friend of mine via text about wanting to go out more instead of just hanging at my bfs house, and surprisingly him taking me out more came up too.. Things are weird for a few minutes and we ended up having a little chat.. I reassured my boyfriend that I want him to be able to feel like he can trust me and there really is nothing between me and my friend anymore - only a platonic friendship.. And things were fine after that.. I didn't want to straight up accuse him of reading my messages because I would feel stupid if I was wrong, but after I left later that afternoon, my boyfriend apologized for what happened, so I said I wanted to talk to him about something.. So I explained what happened and thought I didkt want to accuse him, that's why I had a feeling that he was reading my messages and why that little tiff all happened.. He told me that he wouldn't do that.. though he does trust me, he would be afraid to see something that might make him upset..And sometimes things just pop into his head about the message he previously read which at the time caused another tiff.. As much as i want to believe his word, part of me still feels like he did, just seems too much of a coincidence that all of this stuff came up out of the blue.. Has anyone ever had to deal with a significant other reading their messages? I truly have nothing to hide but part of me just feels a little betrayed.. Any thoughts?? In a healthy established relationship, transparency is important. If there has been contact from a previous suitor, the best policy is to tell your partner that you've been contacted, what the subject was and how you responded. Plain and simple. Your boyfriend knew about previous communication between you and the other man and has been on high alert. That being said, he should be transparent and honest about having looked at your phone. As to the subject of him taking you out more, that is something you should have had a conversation with him first about before you talk to your friends. Nevertheless, the positive thing that comes from all this, is the fact that he "heard" you and wants to accommodate your need for going out more I wouldn't continue to make a big deal of this. You said you don't have anything to hide so now give him permission to look at your phone. He won't feel the need to snoop anymore, especially if you are transparent about what goes on in your phone. 3
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I'd be pissed if I was dating someone and they read my texts. Not because I have something to hide, but because it's rude & a major privacy violation. Looking through my phone/email without asking me first is not okay with me. Period. I'm with TunaCat. Nothing would piss me off more. If I respect their privacy, then I expect the same. BUT asking me if they can look wouldn't sit well with me either. If I was dating again and had a BF that did that, he would be kicked to the curb. 2
devilish innocent Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I think it's human nature to be tempted to snoop. I wouldn't be too surprised if he did. The dishonesty about it later would bother me more. But it also seems likely that a lot of people would lie in a situation like this. I guess I would see if there have been signs of him being dishonest in other situations. If not, I probably wouldn't worry about it. Next time, just keep your phone away from him when you're not around.
ManyDissapoint Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 So let me get this straight. You messaged an old love interest of yours WHILE being in a relationship that he's the one who got away and that you wanted to kiss him. Now you are surprised that your boyfriend is snooping on your phone, when in fact you ARE STILL TALKING to this love interest. People have gut instincts, he followed his and he was right. What he doesn't see yet is that he should dump you, mostly because he's too attached. His 'snooping' < your indiscretions 3
Versacehottie Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 So it's obvious you both need to work on trust with each other. Contrary to what some people are suggesting, I don't think allowing your bf full access to your texts is the way. That's not the way to gain trust. I don't think you should be secretive about your texting and emails etc but your partner shouldn't need or demand access either. That's control not trust. Find other ways to gain and earn his trust. I'm sure not everyone is on this wave length but I don't think utter transparency suits every person's personality. At a certain point it just feels like an invasion and smothering and oppressive. Not to mention, I don't want a partner who is that insecure. If you've given him reason to doubt you, you need to find a way where you can retain some appropriate privacy but reassure him that he is the only guy for you. Good luck 4
h0000 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I would not be happy if my SO snooped for no obvious reason. It's one thing to use my phone and accidentally see my messages, but entirely another to purposely check my messages. However in your situation, maybe he did it because of your inappropriate message to your formal lover (drunk or not) and this made him suspicious of you. Sending messages to a formal lover would actually be a deal break for me. Well, both of you have something to work on. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 There is no benefit to snooping unless you have very good reason to do so. It is always better to be trusting, not just for your partners benefit but for your own benefit too - because it puts you in the right frame of mind to have a great relationship Oh yea, being snooped on.... well i suppose it is better for my partner to be snooping on me rather than someone else!
rester Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I was just kind of curious how people would react if their significant other read messages on their phone.. I never had to deal with snooping before.. Even though I have nothing to hide it just feels kind of like privacy was violated a tiny tiny bit (Stopped reading at this post, so interpret my response accordingly) I have nothing to hide but I'd be PISSED if my girlfriend read text messages on my phone or snooped. She'd feel the same way. I think my reaction would be different depending on the length of the relationship. If it was a few weeks or even a few months in, I'd probably end things without hesitation. If after a few years, trust would be broken and we would need to work things out. 5
torturedartist Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I was at my boyfriends house last weekend, and I left my phone charging on his bed and I put it screen side down and I went downstairs to brush my teeth. When I came back a few minutes later the phone was face up.. Originally didn't think anything of it, but when I opened my text folder, the name of someone who is a friend of mine (Who I will admit - I also previously dated and liked before my current relationship.. My boyfriend knows about him.. Something happened about a month ago where he saw a message I sent to him but he wasn't happy about.. A stupid drunken comment that I regretted saying).. He had texted me about something the day prior and I responded but I knew I hadn't looked at his messages before I went downstairs so I thought it was a little weird.. After I got back upstairs, my boyfriend didn't seem himself and he seemed quiet and like something happened.. I kept asking him what was wrong and he said nothing.. We ended up going for a walk.. On our walk he made a comment and something came up where he mentioned my friends name and then if things don't work out, I'll probably go back to dating him.. It all just hit me by surprise because it really came out of nowhere.. But then it dawned on me that he was probably reading my texts because why else what his name is pop up out of the blue.. Earlier in the day I was also talking with another friend of mine via text about wanting to go out more instead of just hanging at my bfs house, and surprisingly him taking me out more came up too.. Things are weird for a few minutes and we ended up having a little chat.. I reassured my boyfriend that I want him to be able to feel like he can trust me and there really is nothing between me and my friend anymore - only a platonic friendship.. And things were fine after that.. I didn't want to straight up accuse him of reading my messages because I would feel stupid if I was wrong, but after I left later that afternoon, my boyfriend apologized for what happened, so I said I wanted to talk to him about something.. So I explained what happened and thought I didkt want to accuse him, that's why I had a feeling that he was reading my messages and why that little tiff all happened.. He told me that he wouldn't do that.. though he does trust me, he would be afraid to see something that might make him upset..And sometimes things just pop into his head about the message he previously read which at the time caused another tiff.. As much as i want to believe his word, part of me still feels like he did, just seems too much of a coincidence that all of this stuff came up out of the blue.. Has anyone ever had to deal with a significant other reading their messages? I truly have nothing to hide but part of me just feels a little betrayed.. Any thoughts?? First of all, it sounds like you have some things to hide in your text message archive. A couple of solutions... 1) Delete the texts you don't want your boyfriend to read, when he's spying on you. 2) Set a passcode on your phone, and don't tell your boyfriend what is is. 3) Stop having text conversations you don't want your boyfriend to read. 4) Find a new boyfriend, who's not so insecure. 1
Author vc87 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 I do actually have a passcode on my phone.. I guess from my putting it in my phone instead of using the fingerprint touch unlock, he knew it to type it in.. Guess it might be time to change it.. That in itself might make it seem like I have something to hide.. Ugh, can't win sometimes..
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