My ex is slowly trying to creep back?

[acapelo_dp]

I just texted him and said "Hey ___, I have thought about it and I'm not too sure that hanging out tomorrow is the best idea for us. Although I do love the zoo, haha."

 

I talked to myself and just said either way tomorrow I am going to be disappointed after hanging out with him. Yeah I am excited but I am going to get the same feeling or worse tomorrow. He has said before he doesn't want a relationship so what the hell am I doing.

 

You guys knocked sense into me - so thank you. I don't want to be "that girl." because I am pretty damn amazing.

[pidgeon1010]

I just texted him and said "Hey ___, I have thought about it and I'm not too sure that hanging out tomorrow is the best idea for us. Although I do love the zoo, haha."

 

I talked to myself and just said either way tomorrow I am going to be disappointed after hanging out with him. Yeah I am excited but I am going to get the same feeling or worse tomorrow. He has said before he doesn't want a relationship so what the hell am I doing.

 

You guys knocked sense into me - so thank you. I don't want to be "that girl." because I am pretty damn amazing.

 

You need to find a man who cherishes and appreciates how amazing you are. Let us know what he texts in response. He may ask "why" and you can be honest and say you don't feel comfortable with the casual sex/dating relationship you two are in. Leave the ball in his court, but I doubt he's going to change his mind and suddenly want a relationship. He will probably try to convince you to continue on with the status quo- with or without the sex, go silent, or claim he understands and wish you the best, but stranger things have happened.

 

Here’s What You DON’T Have The Power To Do:

 

Make a man love you.

Make a man want to enter into a relationship with you.

Make a man date you and court you in the manner you prefer.

Make a guy get his act together (i.e. remove other women from it).

Control the speed at which the relationship progresses (or whether or not it progresses at all).

 

Here’s What You DO Have the Power To Do:

 

Walk away from situations and people that do not make you happy, that make you feel used, and that do not care to fulfill your needs.

Be proactive about finding what it is that you want, what will make you happy, a man that wants the same things as you do and one that’s willing to fulfill your needs.

Make the choice to be responsible and accountable for your own happiness.

[acapelo_dp]

You need to find a man who cherishes and appreciates how amazing you are. Let us know what he texts in response. He may ask "why" and you can be honest and say you don't feel comfortable with the casual sex/dating relationship you two are in. Leave the ball in his court, but I doubt he's going to change his mind and suddenly want a relationship. He will probably try to convince you to continue on with the status quo- with or without the sex, go silent, or claim he understands and wish you the best, but stranger things have happened.

 

Here’s What You DON’T Have The Power To Do:

 

Make a man love you.

Make a man want to enter into a relationship with you.

Make a man date you and court you in the manner you prefer.

Make a guy get his act together (i.e. remove other women from it).

Control the speed at which the relationship progresses (or whether or not it progresses at all).

 

Here’s What You DO Have the Power To Do:

 

Walk away from situations and people that do not make you happy, that make you feel used, and that do not care to fulfill your needs.

Be proactive about finding what it is that you want, what will make you happy, a man that wants the same things as you do and one that’s willing to fulfill your needs.

Make the choice to be responsible and accountable for your own happiness.

 

Thank you for the words, you definitely made me feel good Words of wisdom spoken right there.

 

He said "Hey, okay"

 

Then "I understand, I was just looking forward to it was all"

[trippi1432]

Hopefully that is where you just leave "it", you don't really even know what "it" is. People who can feel, know themselves and what they want in life, aren't ambiguous about it.

 

I just went through this as well, don't ever be someone's plan B. The right guy would never allow you to be that, he would know what he has.

 

He doesn't want a relationship after being with you IN a relationship, he's lost and you can't help him, he has to help himself.....for some emotionally unavailable men, that could take a really, really long time.

 

Would be a shame to let the right guy pass you by while waiting around for the wrong guy to figure himself out.

[acapelo_dp]

Hopefully that is where you just leave "it", you don't really even know what "it" is. People who can feel, know themselves and what they want in life, aren't ambiguous about it.

 

I just went through this as well, don't ever be someone's plan B. The right guy would never allow you to be that, he would know what he has.

 

He doesn't want a relationship after being with you IN a relationship, he's lost and you can't help him, he has to help himself.....for some emotionally unavailable men, that could take a really, really long time.

 

Would be a shame to let the right guy pass you by while waiting around for the wrong guy to figure himself out.

 

Plot twist I guess - total shock.

 

He asked if I would consider starting to date him again and be exclusive. Said he loved me and always has and feels that we have grown to be more independent. Brought up what the issue was that lead to break up (feeling like he always had to do everything I wanted to do and was terrible at communicating - ended up being stressed/felt like he didn't know how to communicate).And me being too dependent on him.

 

Said he wants to take things slow and start over. He also said it has never been about another girl and he doesn't want anyone else. Asked to take me out on a proper date.

 

Ahhhh.

[AIJ]

Plot twist I guess - total shock.

 

He asked if I would consider starting to date him again and be exclusive. Said he loved me and always has and feels that we have grown to be more independent. Brought up what the issue was that lead to break up (feeling like he always had to do everything I wanted to do and was terrible at communicating - ended up being stressed/felt like he didn't know how to communicate).And me being too dependent on him.

 

Said he wants to take things slow and start over. He also said it has never been about another girl and he doesn't want anyone else. Asked to take me out on a proper date.

 

Ahhhh.

 

Probably because you started to pull away and he realised he'd soon be losing the benefits you were providing if he didn't take drastic action. I give it a month, two maximum, if you do decide to get back together. It won't work.

[acapelo_dp]

Probably because you started to pull away and he realised he'd soon be losing the benefits you were providing if he didn't take drastic action. I give it a month, two maximum, if you do decide to get back together. It won't work.

 

Okay.

 

This is the first time he has ever said this in the almost 4 months we have been broken up. I've told him not to contact me again before and he didn't besides when I texted him last week.

 

Not saying I am considering it at this moment - but want some perspective. So it's not possible for two people to reconcile a relationship ever? Just curious.

[AIJ]

Okay.

 

This is the first time he has ever said this in the almost 4 months we have been broken up. I've told him not to contact me again before and he didn't besides when I texted him last week.

 

Not saying I am considering it at this moment - but want some perspective. So it's not possible for two people to reconcile a relationship ever? Just curious.

 

Okay I'm actually going to ask you to please reconcile with this guy, give us weekly updates. Just as a kind of LoveShack experiment. That would be superb, thanks

[dyna85]

I think anything is possible, but do also have doubts like AIJ, just because it was such a quick turnaround right after you pulled back from allowing him to use you as a convenience. The other thing is, as a general rule, people don't change within 3.5 months and he broke it off due to feeling strain of his living situation, work, and family, and wanting alone time. It just seems probable that those issues will resurface and cause him to suffer internal conflict once again, particularly given that so little time has passed. I think if he truly had 3.5 months of NC to reflect, chances are still low that nothing will have changed and that history would repeat itself. The fact that there hasn't even been that long NC adds to the probability, I think, that this issue may creep up again.

 

 

Not saying a reconciliation can't happen, against all odds, but the probability is just low given the fact that he's now being wishy-washy and seems to want things on his terms. Relationships are about compromise. If he couldn't handle his work, living situation, family, and you before, and craved more alone time, where is the variable that will change all of this now, 3.5 months later?

 

 

He may love you, but love is not enough.

 

 

Take this for what it is, a purely objective view of the situation. I know you and he have emotions clouding your judgment.

[xpaperxcutx]

I guess the question is whether you still want to give him a chance or not. Usually people would want a second chance but it really falls down to the individual whose dumper comes back for them.

 

Do you feel that a second go at the relationship will make the the two of stronger? Are you still angry and hurt at his initial decision to break up in the first place? And if the two of you break up, what are the likely chances he won't dump you again? What has changed about him that will make you view him in a different light and also accept him?

[trippi1432]

For AIJ and Acapelo_dp - I spent 2.5 years outside of our 1.5 year relationship to see if my exBF would change his mind. I moved forward with my life after six months, he was an acquaintance and a band mate. He moved forward as well, to end things the same way with someone else as ours ended. For some, especially introverts, relationships are just too stressful. It would be hard to compare the situations, no two people are the same.

 

But if you are dealing with someone who has rarely the successful relationship (and I include myself in that), the only person who can make that a win-win is you, by changing yourself. The other side of that coin is how much of you are you willing to give up and how much is the other party willing to give? This is typically why re-cons don't work, each party is waiting on someone else.......and if you make the first move, you are usually wrong. Stalemate.

 

Much luck to you Acapelo!! I do hope it works out.

[acapelo_dp]

Thank you for all the helpful responses. I have not made a decision as of yet but we did speak in person about this.

 

The positives of trying to date again and taking things slowly:

 

-His family is moving back to his home province at the end of the month and he will have his own apartment just with his one brother who is working. Therefore he will no longer have to financially take care of his family any longer, and have his own space. One stress will be gone.

 

-He has been to counselling, and has had time to reflect a bit. He said that he has learned that if he does not want to do something to let me know and to communicate, not let it build up. How accurate I think that is I do not know.

 

-He has not dated anyone and he has been completely honest about what he wants and does not want at this time. I have been honest with him as well about the dates I have had and who I have been with physically.

 

-Going on fun dates and not going back to our old routine of staying in watching movies and getting too comfortable (although it may be hard not to fall back to). We would have to start a new relationship basically and not start back where we left off. But again, difficult.

 

-I have made a new circle of close friends who I adore, and I have grown some independence.

 

The cons of starting to date again would be:

 

-It has only been 3.5 months and not enough time to reflect on everything, and is quite soon.

 

-We could very well go back to getting to comfortable and him feeling smothered again. Or I could start to get dependent again and fall back into old habits.

 

-We could go through a second break up. It wouldn't hurt as bad as the first but still, it is a break up.

 

 

 

It's hard for me because I do care about him a lot, and to be honest I am quite scared to start dating because I have the mindset that I am completely single. Would it be worth it? Are giving second chances worth it, even if it may not work out in the end? I don't have experience with this. I have only gotten back together with one boyfriend before of 5 years and we dated for 2 years the second time but my "spark" was gone so it was a different scenario.

[BC1980]

I do not agree I am just a hole to poke. He isn't a guy who uses girls. I do agree he is keeping me around because he is bored and he definitely doesn't want to commit to me or anyone else. Anyways, I am still going to talk to him this weekend.

 

Said by many a person who found themselves in even more pain and being used as a backup until someone else came along. Trust me, he would commit to a woman if he wanted to. Do you have any idea how many women have told themselves that lie (myself included)?

 

I don't think we are saying that he is maliciously plotting out ways to use you and laughing about it later. The majority of people aren't that cruel. However, there are many people who are unaware and selfish. What we are saying is that he isn't going to take much care with regards to your emotions. He's not into you in the same way, so he's nonchalant about the entire setup. If he thinks he can get a no strings attached lay and some companionship, he will. And he won't feel bad about it because he has no clue how it would hurt you. You have to be an advocate for your feelings and remove yourself from harmful setups.

[BC1980]

Plot twist I guess - total shock.

 

He asked if I would consider starting to date him again and be exclusive. Said he loved me and always has and feels that we have grown to be more independent. Brought up what the issue was that lead to break up (feeling like he always had to do everything I wanted to do and was terrible at communicating - ended up being stressed/felt like he didn't know how to communicate).And me being too dependent on him.

 

Said he wants to take things slow and start over. He also said it has never been about another girl and he doesn't want anyone else. Asked to take me out on a proper date.

 

Ahhhh.

 

Okay, I just saw this. So my question would be "what has changed." I think the guy is bored and will dump you again in a few months, personally. Notice how he is negotiating the terms saying you need to go slow. That's up to you, not him. You were the one who was betrayed and hurt, so you get to decide the speed.

 

He said he feels you have grown more independent, but that's because you haven't been together. This sounds all kinds of bad.

[acapelo_dp]

Okay, I just saw this. So my question would be "what has changed." I think the guy is bored and will dump you again in a few months, personally. Notice how he is negotiating the terms saying you need to go slow. That's up to you, not him. You were the one who was betrayed and hurt, so you get to decide the speed.

 

He said he feels you have grown more independent, but that's because you haven't been together. This sounds all kinds of bad.

 

I am the one who told him if we did this we would have to go VERY slowly and start over, day 1 of dating. I told him I was scared and that I am now used to being single. And that I wouldn't add him back to Facebook or tell anyone for awhile. I did also mention that I am not a part time girlfriend and if he is bored and lonely or waiting for a better girl to come along to just leave me be and move on. He assured me that he isn't bored, and I am not a back up plan and that he still loves me and has a lot of feelings for me and always had...

I am not 100% sure about his words but he hasn't ever lied to me. Even when he broke up with me he was honest as to why. I can give him that credit. However, he was terrible at communicating his wants and feelings to me. The changes are listed above in the pros and cons.

 

I dunno. I am weary about it - part of me in my head says it will never turn into a very serious relationship. Part of me loves him and even if it ends up in another break up at least we tried everything?

[Toodaloo]

Okay, thank you for your advice

 

I actually spoke to my dad over the phone and told him the entire situation and he said the same thing "this dude is bored and hasn't found anyone better. He is an arse" haha. He is always right so I can't dismiss any advice given here today.

 

I like your Dad...

[AIJ]

I am the one who told him if we did this we would have to go VERY slowly and start over, day 1 of dating. I told him I was scared and that I am now used to being single. And that I wouldn't add him back to Facebook or tell anyone for awhile.I did also mention that I am not a part time girlfriend and if he is bored and lonely or waiting for a better girl to come along to just leave me be and move on. He assured me that he isn't bored, and I am not a back up plan and that he still loves me and has a lot of feelings for me and always had...

I am not 100% sure about his words but he hasn't ever lied to me. Even when he broke up with me he was honest as to why. I can give him that credit. However, he was terrible at communicating his wants and feelings to me. The changes are listed above in the pros and cons.

 

I dunno. I am weary about it - part of me in my head says it will never turn into a very serious relationship. Part of me loves him and even if it ends up in another break up at least we tried everything?

 

Were you expecting him to say anything else?

 

Personally can't see this leading anywhere positive, but go ahead. I give it until Christmas. Hopefully you'll prove me and a lot of others wrong, as everyone deserves to be happy however if you end up back here in a few months time, don't say we didn't tell you so

 

You CAN be happy with someone else. Someone that WANTS to be with you. Why settle for anything less?

[hestheone66]

Before deciding to get back explore what in you tends to dependency and why in a sense your fear of dating may lead you to go back to something familiar..