acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) My ex boyfriend and I broke up about three and a half months ago. Basically he still was in love with me but didn't want to be in a relationship and felt strained due to living with his family/work/wanted alone time. Within the past three months we have met up about three times for sex. The last time we met up was last Friday evening (6 days ago - at that point we had been NC for 5 weeks). I texted him how he was doing, he responded right away really positively. I said my friend had got admitted to the hospital so I had no plans tonight (true - I was honest just bored and texted him it didn't mean much to me). He then pretty much asked if he could join me as he had no plans that evening as well. He seemed really happy and came over within ten minutes. Anyways, we went to dinner together and had some drinks as well. We talked and had a great conversation. I mentioned how I have been on some dates, but nothing came of it. He mentioned he went on one date with a girl in the past week we both went to uni with but that he didn't want to date her at this time. He said that the whole time he went to coffee with her he was comparing her to me and thought of me after. Afterwards, he said she invited him to her condo and they made out and she tried to go further but he felt awkward and stopped it. He said that he has wanted to text me in the past 5 weeks but didn't want to intrude on my life and has stopped himself from contacting me. Through the conversation I mentioned I wanted to go to Greece or California for my vacation time in August as it was good for someone solo. He mentioned that we should go on vacation together, and do what we had planned before the break up. After dinner we went to a bar/club and drank a bit more and played some ping pong/danced. He came over to my place afterwards and he spent the night. I briefly remember he told me he loved me that night, but we were both drunk so I didn't think much of it. The morning after he took me to breakfast and we went for a walk in the park together. He was holding my hand and holding my back as we walked. I mentioned how I wanted to go to the zoo and he said "I'll take you to the zoo." He dropped me off at home and I said thank you for the nice time and for breakfast, and he said "I will be at the cafe all day if you want to join later." I told him that he was acting a bit strange and that I had a nice time with him, and would talk to him later. This was Saturday morning. Yesterday at like 8:15am I got a text from him asking if I would like to go to the zoo with him this Saturday or Sunday, and I told him that would be nice. He was quite excited and was positive in his messages. I'm just not sure about what his intentions are. I am at the point where I am over the break up and I enjoy his company, still care about him a lot but it doesn't pain me to think that we would never get back together. He is the one that broke up with me and said he didn't want a relationship, used me for sex once or twice and watched me cry in his arms. Now it appears the tables have turned?... Maybe he sees me moving on and enjoying my life and that is attractive to him. What do you guys think? Edited June 11, 2015 by acapelo_dp
Toodaloo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Personally I think he is stringing you along for some company and a shag. As soon as someone he likes more comes along you will be dropped faster than a steaming dog poo bag... Perhaps you could try talking to him about it if you feel that strongly but I think you need to move on. Unless you really really want him back just cut ties and get on with life. 3
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Personally I think he is stringing you along for some company and a shag. As soon as someone he likes more comes along you will be dropped faster than a steaming dog poo bag... Perhaps you could try talking to him about it if you feel that strongly but I think you need to move on. Unless you really really want him back just cut ties and get on with life. Thanks for the response. He isn't looking for a relationship, he isn't looking for anyone at the time. That was the whole point of the break up and besides that one girl he went to coffee with he has been completely single and I do trust him that was the reason. He really enjoys just being alone. I think maybe he is lonely and misses the companionship. I do agree he probably feels comfortable with me. I will probably have a discussion with him when I see him to see why he is doing this. I am guilty of doing the same thing to him however, so I can't be mad if that is his intention.
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 It's just strange because Friday he is going 3 hours out of town to visit some friends and won't be back until 2pm Saturday, then he is volunteering from 8pm-1am so it's not like there will even be sexy time involved in the outing. He was like "we will have three whole hours to see everything :)" and was worried that if he didn't make it back in time that we could go Sunday morning before I work and "didn't want to make a promise and not be there, so wants to have a back up plan." This is very strange because usually he really really enjoys weekend time to hismelf. So him sneaking me in between his busy day is unusual for him, even when we were a couple. :/
aloneinaz Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I agree with the other poster that he's found nothing else and is single, lonely and horny. You're allowing him to spend time w/you and filling some of those needs he has. If you feel like emotionally you can handle hanging out with him while having sex together until him or you finds someone else, why not. Your benefiting from it as well since you're also currently single. You're only risking feeling rejected again and the pain that comes from it if he disappears when the next girl grabs his attention and can keep him occupied. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Do you want him back? I was hoping for this moment, the moment he wanted to hang out with me and missed me for the first two months. At this time I am not to sure because in order for me to want him back I would have to fix why we broke up - and why we broke up is because he didn't like the pressure of a relationship. So I don't think that is fixable at this time. My answer is no right now, I don't want him back. I dunno, I agree he is lonely and misses companionship but I don't think he is waiting for someone else better to come along. He doesn't want a relationship....period. With anyone. He is afraid of commitment.
kasop Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I was hoping for this moment, the moment he wanted to hang out with me and missed me for the first two months. At this time I am not to sure because in order for me to want him back I would have to fix why we broke up - and why we broke up is because he didn't like the pressure of a relationship. So I don't think that is fixable at this time. My answer is no right now, I don't want him back. I dunno, I agree he is lonely and misses companionship but I don't think he is waiting for someone else better to come along. He doesn't want a relationship....period. With anyone. He is afraid of commitment. His excuse to keep u as fwb. Or he is just emotionally unavailable. 2
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Everyone is so pessimistic about ex's wanting to hang out lol.. I do understand it but I really don't think he is using me for just sex. I also don't think he wants to get back together either, though. I have known him for two years and I do think he still cares for me a lot. He just enjoys his time alone more than being in a relationship and that was the whole issue with us. I'm going to have a conversation with him on the weekend and see what his intentions are anyways. Thanks for all the comments!
Toodaloo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 It's just strange because Friday he is going 3 hours out of town to visit some friends and won't be back until 2pm Saturday, then he is volunteering from 8pm-1am so it's not like there will even be sexy time involved in the outing. He was like "we will have three whole hours to see everything :)" and was worried that if he didn't make it back in time that we could go Sunday morning before I work and "didn't want to make a promise and not be there, so wants to have a back up plan." This is very strange because usually he really really enjoys weekend time to hismelf. So him sneaking me in between his busy day is unusual for him, even when we were a couple. :/ Let me tell you whats going on here. You are still huting and miss him and want him. He on the other hand finds it reassuring that you still fancy him and shag him but he doesn't want to commit or actually treat you with any dignity. He just wants a hole to poke his penis into. He doesn't have to feel guilty because he has all but told you this and you have basically said here is my hole poke your penis in here. You don't need to love me or give a damn about me you can just use my body for thrills. Now you are reading back in very plain clear English does it sound good to you? No. there is no confusion or second guessing needed here. 4
Toodaloo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Everyone is so pessimistic about ex's wanting to hang out lol.. I do understand it but I really don't think he is using me for just sex. I also don't think he wants to get back together either, though. I have known him for two years and I do think he still cares for me a lot. He just enjoys his time alone more than being in a relationship and that was the whole issue with us. I'm going to have a conversation with him on the weekend and see what his intentions are anyways. Thanks for all the comments! We are much older and much more experienced and we have also sat and sobbed and cried when this has happened to us... Save your self the drama and ditch his sorry ass... 3
pidgeon1010 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Everyone is so pessimistic about ex's wanting to hang out lol.. I do understand it but I really don't think he is using me for just sex. I also don't think he wants to get back together either, though. I have known him for two years and I do think he still cares for me a lot. He just enjoys his time alone more than being in a relationship and that was the whole issue with us. I'm going to have a conversation with him on the weekend and see what his intentions are anyways. Thanks for all the comments! Everyone wants to believe their situation is "different" but majority of the time, it isn't. He doesn't want to be in a committed relationship at the moment = he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He may have gone out on a date that didn't work out but that's because he hasn't found the right girl yet. If he were to meet a girl who he wants to commit to, he would disappear. He hasn't yet so basically you will do for now. He doing things you consider sweet/endearing because frankly you've made it easy for him. Casual sex with no strings attached and he drops some breadcrumb outings in there but no commitment. No repercussions for him breaking up with you. He is getting all the perks of a relationship without being fully invested.You should ask yourself how long you are willing to go along with this "exeswithbenefits" type arrangement. Don't let the outings cloud your judgment. 2
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Alright well thanks for the words. I don't want to get back together with him and basically I am doing the same thing to him. Of course I miss him and love him but I don't want a relationship with him again. He hurt me too bad and I don't trust him not to again. The same thing would happen again. I do not agree I am just a hole to poke. He isn't a guy who uses girls. I do agree he is keeping me around because he is bored and he definitely doesn't want to commit to me or anyone else. Anyways, I am still going to talk to him this weekend.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Everyone is so pessimistic about ex's wanting to hang out lol.. I do understand it but I really don't think he is using me for just sex. I also don't think he wants to get back together either, though. I have known him for two years and I do think he still cares for me a lot. He just enjoys his time alone more than being in a relationship and that was the whole issue with us. I'm going to have a conversation with him on the weekend and see what his intentions are anyways. Thanks for all the comments! We're pessimistic because we've BTDT, and can see what's happening to you a lot clearer than you can, we're not right in the thick of it. I know we're not telling you what you want to hear, but we're telling you what has happened to us in very similar situations. I don't think that you're over this guy at all, otherwise you'd tell him to take a hike. Or else you'd know that you be ok with a FWB situation, and wouldn't need to write on here to get our take on it. 3
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 We are much older and much more experienced and we have also sat and sobbed and cried when this has happened to us... Save your self the drama and ditch his sorry ass... He's important to me, though. Despite him breaking up with me he has done a lot for me and helped me through a move to a new city. I can't hate him because he didn't want to be in a relationship. If I called him he would drop everything to help me if I were ever in need/in trouble. He's not a bad person. I will move on eventually. At least I am at the point where I don't want him back as a boyfriend. I am not looking for a boyfriend at all. Maybe I am just bored and lonely. Who knows.
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 We're pessimistic because we've BTDT, and can see what's happening to you a lot clearer than you can, we're not right in the thick of it. I know we're not telling you what you want to hear, but we're telling you what has happened to us in very similar situations. I don't think that you're over this guy at all, otherwise you'd tell him to take a hike. Or else you'd know that you be ok with a FWB situation, and wouldn't need to write on here to get our take on it. Thanks for the response. I am usually great at giving advice but it's hard to follow myself. I am going to do some thinking over the next couple of days, then see what he has to say..
Simon Phoenix Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 He's important to me, though. Despite him breaking up with me he has done a lot for me and helped me through a move to a new city. I can't hate him because he didn't want to be in a relationship. If I called him he would drop everything to help me if I were ever in need/in trouble. He's not a bad person. I will move on eventually. At least I am at the point where I don't want him back as a boyfriend. I am not looking for a boyfriend at all. Maybe I am just bored and lonely. Who knows. You aren't going to move on quickly -- if at all -- if you keep meeting up with him for pseudo-dates and sex. Your actions do not reflect your words. If you were truly cool with hanging out with him without any strings attached, you would not have started this thread. I think you are trying very hard to convince yourself of an alternative reality to justify this. No one is saying he's a bad person. But if you don't want to date him, then why are you on here trying to get in his head? You'd be going with the flow and not worried about his motivations. 2
aloneinaz Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 He's important to me, though. Despite him breaking up with me he has done a lot for me and helped me through a move to a new city. I can't hate him because he didn't want to be in a relationship. If I called him he would drop everything to help me if I were ever in need/in trouble. He's not a bad person. I will move on eventually. At least I am at the point where I don't want him back as a boyfriend. I am not looking for a boyfriend at all. Maybe I am just bored and lonely. Who knows. Again, just do what you're doing. You're both alone, lonely and horny. There's nothing wrong with an ex-with bene's as long as both parties fully understand it. He needs to understand they you may meet and start screwing someone else along with him and vis versa. Just DON'T have an illusions that he's going to suddenly want to commit to you and go back into a full blown relationship. It didn't work the first time and won't the second. 1
Toodaloo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Your in for a whole heap of pain honey... The only bit that makes any sense is that you will move on eventually. Help yourself out and start now rather than later. This guy will mess you up good and proper. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Thanks everyone, I probably did need these words to get it through my head. Well, is it bad if I enjoy his company for sex and dates?.... I am being honest when I say I do not want him as a boyfriend. I know in my head he would hurt me plus it scares me to death to think of having a boyfriend again. If he told me he wanted me back I would be extremely hesitant. What I am saying is I wouldn't cry if he told me he didn't want me as a girlfriend. I've already done my crying. I guess I am just lonely and wanting some companionship, and it's nice to hang out with a guy you are comfortable with. I am super single at this time, besides the occasional monthly hang outs with him. Ugh. I have done this to an ex boyfriend before so I should know what he is thinking in his head lol.
Toodaloo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I know it sounds terrible but you have got to keep these things simple. As soon as you start messing about with exes like this a whole heap of emotions start throwing their weight around and seriously doing your head in. It may take time for it to happen but it always happens and you end up getting really hurt. Just keep it simple and go find someone else that you do want a relationship with to mess about with. Easy and much better for you. 2
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 I know it sounds terrible but you have got to keep these things simple. As soon as you start messing about with exes like this a whole heap of emotions start throwing their weight around and seriously doing your head in. It may take time for it to happen but it always happens and you end up getting really hurt. Just keep it simple and go find someone else that you do want a relationship with to mess about with. Easy and much better for you. Okay, thank you for your advice I actually spoke to my dad over the phone and told him the entire situation and he said the same thing "this dude is bored and hasn't found anyone better. He is an arse" haha. He is always right so I can't dismiss any advice given here today. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Okay, thank you for your advice I actually spoke to my dad over the phone and told him the entire situation and he said the same thing "this dude is bored and hasn't found anyone better. He is an arse" haha. He is always right so I can't dismiss any advice given here today. Your dad is right on. I think you also trying to justify his actions because you think he doesn't want to be in a relationship with *anyone else*. Which is basically another flavor of the "it's not you, it's me" breakup excuse. If he were to meet a girl who he was crazy about and wanted to commit to, he would be gone with the wind. He may be the nicest guy in the world (no one is challenging that) but tread carefully because right now, he is looking out for numero uno: himself. You claim you are on the same page regarding the exes with benefits thing and casual dates but I doubt you are because you would not be seeking advice from people on here or your dad. Also the title of your post is very revealing: "my ex is slowing trying to creep back?" You have obviously entertained the idea that the sex and dates may mean something more. Unfortunately it doesn't. It is exactly what he has presented to you: lets have sex and go out sometimes but you're not "the one." Cut him loose and save yourself the hurt that is bound to happen. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 Your dad is right on. I think you also trying to justify his actions because you think he doesn't want to be in a relationship with *anyone else*. Which is basically another flavor of the "it's not you, it's me" breakup excuse. If he were to meet a girl who he was crazy about and wanted to commit to, he would be gone with the wind. He may be the nicest guy in the world (no one is challenging that) but tread carefully because right now, he is looking out for numero uno: himself. You claim you are on the same page regarding the exes with benefits thing and casual dates but I doubt you are because you would not be seeking advice from people on here or your dad. Also the title of your post is very revealing: "my ex is slowing trying to creep back?" You have obviously entertained the idea that the sex and dates may mean something more. Unfortunately it doesn't. It is exactly what he has presented to you: lets have sex and go out sometimes but you're not "the one." Cut him loose and save yourself the hurt that is bound to happen. Thank you for the advice! I feel really stupid to think that it could mean something. I will admit feelings are coming back for me. I never thought he would be the guy to do this to me... Should I text him and cancel? And should I say why? I'm not too sure what to say.
kasop Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 He's important to me, though. Despite him breaking up with me he has done a lot for me and helped me through a move to a new city. I can't hate him because he didn't want to be in a relationship. If I called him he would drop everything to help me if I were ever in need/in trouble. He's not a bad person. I will move on eventually. At least I am at the point where I don't want him back as a boyfriend. I am not looking for a boyfriend at all. Maybe I am just bored and lonely. Who knows. When he finds that girl hes looking for he wont drop everything to help you.. just be ready for that.
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