jack.gf23 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Hey Everybody, just looking for some advice on how best to proceed and the situation as well. So to cut a long story short, my ex and I (both 21) had been going out for two years and our relationship was absolutely rock solid and we were very much in love. Not only were we completely smitten, but we were proper best mates as well. We were the couple every one looked at and wanted to be. It is both of our first serious long term relationship. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago she literally changed overnight - became distant, cold, stopped showing affection, didn't want to date etc. She turned up at my place and said she wanted to go on a break. Feeling completely blindsided, I respected her decision to do what she felt was best and agreed and let her on her way - we met up 3 days later and she said she didn't want to break up, but I told her I felt as if she was just trying to soften the blow for what was only inevitable. Then, 4 weeks later she said she wanted out. Gave the classic it's you not me, ILYBINILWY, you're great,I can't express my feelings etc. I was initially very upset, and the actual process got dragged out for about a week and a half - returning things etc, and we only spoke on three occasions during this period. I didn't beg or plead, I made my feelings known to her that I was still in love but ultimately she had to sort out what was going on with her and that under no circumstances could we remain best friends if this is what she wanted - that it wasn't fair at all on me (which upset her). We ended on good terms with a long hug. Since then it's been about 2 weeks straight NC. She's off to Europe in 2 weeks for a month and I was wondering about sending her a short text hoping she has a good time or should I just leave her be until she gets back - by that stage it will have been about 2 months NC. To the best of my knowledge there is no one else involved, she just wants time to herself (and probs to shag around europe ha). I want to get back with her because I know that she is worth it - any advice on how to proceed and the situation as well?
hunk Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Absolutely nothing you can do to influence her wanting to get back with you, all you can do is push her further away. Focus on yourself. Her feelings changed and she no longer wants a relationship with you - it happens. The only thing you can do in the situation is focus on your own wellbeing. Block her on social media, delete her number. She's not coming back, now is the time to focus on yourself. You must go strict No Contact. She's been feeling like this for a long time and has gradually detached completely from you - right now both of your mindsets are polar opposites. She is upset about things ending, but she's excited and ready to move on, has done her grieving in the last few months/weeks of your relationship and is in a different place to you. You on the other hand have been blindsided and you're still in denial and desperately hoping she's going to come back. You must give yourself time to grieve and understand she's not. If you take anything from this advice it's to go straight no contact, do not contact her at all for any reason whatsoever from this point forward. Please block her and delete her number and never initiate any form of contact with her or respond to any contact from her again. The connection you had is dead and consequently she is dead to you now. 2
hunk Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I'll add that you're actually in a good position right now, you took the breakup well, made zero mistakes (from what you've written here) and have maintained NC since. Now just disappear from her life, I mean completely disappear. You will thank me for this advice in a few months. 3
ZiggyZoo Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Hunk nailed it, totally. I'm going to be the jerk to say that it sounds like she's met someone else. I know it's not what you want to hear, but suddenly acting different, going on a "break", and coming back only to finally end it are classic signs. Even better reason to go NC, so you don't find out one way or the other until you're more healed, but be prepared for the possibility.
dumbass2 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) Agree with hunk You felt YOU had a rock solid relationship with her, but she didn't. She had been thinking about this for a while. It's usually how it happens. We, dumpee, are blindsided because WE were happy. They were not and may not have given us much to go on to know otherwise. People can lie and hold back feelings pretty easily. It's actually very common. Also, us the dumpee, could have missed signs and had blinders on and not really seen what was truly happening, but after time we look back and see we missed it. Sounds like you handled things maturely which is great. I did the same thing in mine and it feels good after all this time that I didn't beg and plead. I will reiterate what others have said because of how your break up went down, you need to go NC. I wont always say that, but again, because of your situation you need to. Do not send her anything. You should be a little angry right now that she could just end it like she did without talking about it. She deserves nothing from you. You have handled it well to this point. Don't risk setting yourself back by trying to be nice to her. SHE just decided to leave you. Keep telling yourself that. No one does that to someone they truly love and want to spend the rest of their life with. Edited June 11, 2015 by dumbass2 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Very common for people at your age to want to experience many different partners and relationships. Best just to take things as they come and go... and have fun!!! IMO- You're way to young to get serious about a relationship!! 1
aloneinaz Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Very common for people at your age to want to experience many different partners and relationships. Best just to take things as they come and go... and have fun!!! IMO- You're way to young to get serious about a relationship!! This is what I was thinking as well ^^. She's young and wants to be single and sow some oats and have more men experiences before settling down. Everyone else has given great advice. You shouldn't want her back. You should want to do exactly what she's doing. Go sow your oats now. She checked out of that relationship and nothing's going to change her mind and run back to you. She didn't do anything wrong in ending it and wanting to explore. You have to ACCEPT that she's gone now, heal and move on to more woman experiences. If you want to heal, listen to the NC and vanish from her life posts. DON'T be that guys that stalks her on social media and drags out the healing process either. Block her.
Author jack.gf23 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 Thanks guys, I know I've just got to keep on going with NC and let her be. The way I see it is that we are both young and we need to do our own thing for a while. If it's meant to be sometime down the track it will be, and if it's not then there will always be someone else. Also, we have a lot of mutual friends and a number of events of which we will both be in attendance at when she gets back from Europe. How do I approach these? 1
hunk Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 If it's really going to mess you up seeing her at them, don't go. Otherwise, grin and bear. Don't make any small talk, hang out with your friends, and just maybe wave and say hi if anything at all. Personally, when this happened to me, I would go and completely ignore her. I'd just hang out with my friends and avoid her.
Author jack.gf23 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 Nah it's not going to mess me up, I will be right. Also hunk, you said that I will thank you in a few months time for going straight NC, why is that?
Author jack.gf23 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 This is what I was thinking as well ^^. She's young and wants to be single and sow some oats and have more men experiences before settling down. Everyone else has given great advice. You shouldn't want her back. You should want to do exactly what she's doing. Go sow your oats now. She checked out of that relationship and nothing's going to change her mind and run back to you. She didn't do anything wrong in ending it and wanting to explore. You have to ACCEPT that she's gone now, heal and move on to more woman experiences. If you want to heal, listen to the NC and vanish from her life posts. DON'T be that guys that stalks her on social media and drags out the healing process either. Block her. sorry i might just add that during the breakup she kept saying how she still wanted to travel with me and that she has hope that we'll be together in the future. anyway, i'm not reading into it too much but it really does feel like there is unfinished business. but like you said, i'm just gonna do my own thing from here on in.
mightycpa Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 sorry i might just add that during the breakup she kept saying how she still wanted to travel with me and that she has hope that we'll be together in the future. anyway, i'm not reading into it too much but it really does feel like there is unfinished business. but like you said, i'm just gonna do my own thing from here on in. That stuff is generally bull****. She's actually just projecting her weakness onto you, assuming that you can't deal with an outright split, because in reality, she doesn't have the stones to tell you the way it really is. This is the source of ILYBINILWY (illy-bin-ilwee, good one) and the I want to travel with you and we'll be together in the future and all of that kind of thing. It's total bull****, and it comes from her fears, and she's stringing you along because of it. 21 years old? No problem. You'll meet better women, if for no other reason than they will be older, more together, and through their time of experimentation and better for it. No doubt the one you end up settling with will have done something similar to some poor sap in her past, and had it done to her too. It's a common human experience, a right of passage. It's ****ing manly too, because you get to learn how strong you are. Don't let this girl's weakness fool you. Show her how's it's supposed to be done. Cut her off, and go find your greener pastures. They're out there all over the place, a veritable world of green, rolling meadows. Go be a goat. 1
Author jack.gf23 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 That stuff is generally bull****. She's actually just projecting her weakness onto you, assuming that you can't deal with an outright split, because in reality, she doesn't have the stones to tell you the way it really is. This is the source of ILYBINILWY (illy-bin-ilwee, good one) and the I want to travel with you and we'll be together in the future and all of that kind of thing. It's total bull****, and it comes from her fears, and she's stringing you along because of it. 21 years old? No problem. You'll meet better women, if for no other reason than they will be older, more together, and through their time of experimentation and better for it. No doubt the one you end up settling with will have done something similar to some poor sap in her past, and had it done to her too. It's a common human experience, a right of passage. It's ****ing manly too, because you get to learn how strong you are. Don't let this girl's weakness fool you. Show her how's it's supposed to be done. Cut her off, and go find your greener pastures. They're out there all over the place, a veritable world of green, rolling meadows. Go be a goat. Cheers. yeh, i kind of thought it was all bs and that she was lacking in the stones dept to just tell it how it really was. Indeed I will - she's the one missing out and i'm not gonna look back. 1
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