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Dont know what the hell is going on... GIGS... Affair fog... Mental!

sammy2015

By sammy2015
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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sammy2015 New Member

sammy2015

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Hello Everyone,

I am new to the whole forum scene but honestly i need help and there is only so much family and friends can say and often it is bias information so would love to hear from people that have gone through similar OR can offer there opinions and thoughts without knowing me. I will do a super quick recap and I will be telling the complete honest truth about everything.

 

I was with my ex partner for 5 years and we have a 3 year old together. Things were great, life was going in the right direction, we were achieving our goals as a family.... then BAM he left. No explanation. Just "I am not happy... maybe we can get back together in the future" and that was all I got. Later found out within 2 days of leaving he was with another woman 20 years older then he is. (he is 25 and she is 46) So obviously was cheating on me...

 

Fast forward 7 months... zero contact from him. No im sorry. No explanation. Just nothing..... He hasn't seen his child in 7 months, hasn't asked how he is, doesnt pay anything... just absolutely nothing. I stupidly tried to involve him with our child which got me no where....

 

The person my ex is now.... honestly I do not even recognise him.... I would have never in a million years thought he was this type of person at all. Its disgusting in all aspects and it is driving me crazy trying to work it out...

 

I have spoken to my family and friends about it and they all have theories on it, I have moved on to the best of my ability and I am living my life and supporting my child. But I would like closure and want to understand why. How someone can change so dramatically in all aspects in such a short time.... like sure hate me or whatever even though I did nothing but to abandoned your child to me that screams there is something seriously wrong!

 

I have seen councillors etc and spoken to his family only recently and everyone I speak to comes to the same conclusion... he is going through something, living in his own world and once reality catches up with him he will want his family back because reality is the relationship he is in will not work out because of the age gap, the fact it started out from an affair etc... i dont care if he is with someone else, just want to understand why he did it and is acting the way he is... I have read about affair fog and gigs do you think this is a possibility?

 

Just to be clear I am NOT wanting to reconcile or be with him. Just want answers and closure. To me its not normal to one day have a loving family and the next you never see them again... especially leaving a child behind? Sorry if i am ranting... just am at a loss in my situation. I am getting on with life but he is a constant hurt and reminder because everything is up in the air and he doesnt care at all but i do.

 

What are your thoughts on what may be going on, any advice on what to do or what i may have in store in the future?

ZiggyZoo Established Member

ZiggyZoo

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I'm glad you posted here, and I was in a very similar situation about three and a half years ago. I'm happy to help...

 

OK, so my ex-husband and I were married for seven years, and we have three daughters. Everything was clicking along fine, no big red flags, nothing like that. Well, he met another woman, messed around with her for about a month, I found out, and he left. He didn't have anything to do with our daughters at first either. We shared a car, so he'd see them every other day or so, but it was very quick interactions. I did the whole crying, begging thing to get him to change his mind. I got really, really angry. Then, over time, I accepted the way things were and am fine now. It took some doing, but it happened.

 

The thing that stuck out to me was when you said about how your ex is a different person, and you wanted to know why for closure. I can tell you from my experience that you're not going to get answers or closure from him. The problems in your marrriage were probably partly because he bottled up what he was feeling until he couldn't stand it, met the other woman, and left. That's how mine was. And if they aren't going to open up while in a relationship with them, they sure as sh*t aren't going to now that it's over. THEY probably don't even really understand why either.

 

As far as the whole different person thing, my therapist had a great explaination. Basically people are one way when things are normal, and another while in crisis mode. Your ex was (and still is, to an extent) in crisis mode now, which is why he's acting differently. And there's probably some guilt thrown in there too, which is likely keeping him away. But I gotta say, coming to terms with the two sides of someone you thought you knew was one of the hardest things for me to do. I'd say to believe that there was a loving, caring person that you were in the relationship with, but he's not that for you anymore. And it has nothing to do with you, it's just how he has to be, to figure out what his new role is going to be in your and your daughter's lives.

 

I'm glad that you're moving on, and aren't hanging on for a reconciliation. Because the chance that he may not come back are very real. Mine married the other woman two months after out divorce was final. And when she left him (for his brother!) he moved onto another woman entirely, not back to me at all. Which I'm fine with. I bet your ex will be back around, but probably only for your daughter. This period of NC will prove to be a blessing in disguise for you, because you've been able to work through a lot of emotions, and can be calmer when it happens than you would have been at the beginning.

 

OK, there's my book of a reply for you. I'm around, if you'd like clarification or have any questions. Please realize above all else, that you WILL get through this. You WILL get to a point where he will mean nothing to you and it won't hurt to see him. I promise.

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goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

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Not trying to diagnose anyone here ( not qualified) but sounds like untreated bipolar, he's probably going through mania (read about it) affairs are really common with bipolar.

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sammy2015 New Member

sammy2015

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OK, so my ex-husband and I were married for seven years, and we have three daughters. Everything was clicking along fine, no big red flags, nothing like that. Well, he met another woman, messed around with her for about a month, I found out, and he left. He didn't have anything to do with our daughters at first either. We shared a car, so he'd see them every other day or so, but it was very quick interactions. I did the whole crying, begging thing to get him to change his mind. I got really, really angry. Then, over time, I accepted the way things were and am fine now. It took some doing, but it happened.

 

I didn't do the crying and begging just straight into no contact. I did ask for a conversation and an apology which i never got. Just got i love you but im not happy but in a few months who knows. [b/]

 

The thing that stuck out to me was when you said about how your ex is a different person, and you wanted to know why for closure. I can tell you from my experience that you're not going to get answers or closure from him. The problems in your marrriage were probably partly because he bottled up what he was feeling until he couldn't stand it, met the other woman, and left. That's how mine was. And if they aren't going to open up while in a relationship with them, they sure as sh*t aren't going to now that it's over. THEY probably don't even really understand why either.

my ex is unrecognizable to not only me but even his family. He is all the things that he himself hated in people. Hated bad parents. Cheaters. And that's who he is now.i just do not get it... HOW can someone go from being a daddy everyday of there childs life to absolutely nothing its not normal... and its not like i did anything to him to make him not want to talk to me about our child if anything i should not want to speak to him!

 

As far as the whole different person thing, my therapist had a great explaination. Basically people are one way when things are normal, and another while in crisis mode. Your ex was (and still is, to an extent) in crisis mode now, which is why he's acting differently. And there's probably some guilt thrown in there too, which is likely keeping him away. But I gotta say, coming to terms with the two sides of someone you thought you knew was one of the hardest things for me to do. I'd say to believe that there was a loving, caring person that you were in the relationship with, but he's not that for you anymore. And it has nothing to do with you, it's just how he has to be, to figure out what his new role is going to be in your and your daughter's lives.

i have tried to include him in her life and be civil and i get nothing or abused from his gf.... so i gave up. This isnt him and if it is i want him to stay away. I kinda just feel a little stuck as nothing is resolved.... but he doesnt seem to care?

 

I'm glad that you're moving on, and aren't hanging on for a reconciliation. Because the chance that he may not come back are very real. Mine married the other woman two months after out divorce was final. And when she left him (for his brother!) he moved onto another woman entirely, not back to me at all. Which I'm fine with. I bet your ex will be back around, but probably only for your daughter. This period of NC will prove to be a blessing in disguise for you, because you've been able to work through a lot of emotions, and can be calmer when it happens than you would have been at the beginning.

Everyone keeps saying he will be back for me and i mean everyone lol which is annoying because i do not want him... i think a lot of people are certain due to the circumstances of the relationship he left us for... honestly makes me sick. But i just want him to be a dad to our son and if he doesnt want that then to get sole custody. [b\]

 

OK, there's my book of a reply for you. I'm around, if you'd like clarification or have any questions. Please realize above all else, that you WILL get through this. You WILL get to a point where he will mean nothing to you and it won't hurt to see him. I promise.

thank you for your comment. Sorry you went through it but its helpful to know im not alone. Just trying to find logic in this situation but am failing

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sammy2015 New Member

sammy2015

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Not trying to diagnose anyone here ( not qualified) but sounds like untreated bipolar, he's probably going through mania (read about it) affairs are really common with bipolar.

 

Thank you i will look into it. Just did reading about gigs and affair fog and he kinda fell into those categories but never thought of something like bipolar.

foolinlove79 Established Member

foolinlove79

Posted
Posted

My ex would become someone else literally overnight. Everything would be going along fine and then one day he would decide he isnt happy and leave. Leading up to it he was a completely different person.Through most of the rs he was loving and kind and then boom...he would become this cold and distant and critical stranger. It is very scary how you can be with someone and not know them that well

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