Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Thanks for sharing your wisdom Redhead . This gives me a new perspective on the matter. You said, basically you skip the glittery honeymoon phase and head straight for that true version of yourself, I agree, creates nice transparency too. However is it not that we actually need this "immense" physical attraction of lust and infatuation from the very start in order to invest in the other half? Should this be absent, like in my case (no honeymoon), I will have to invest much more energy in her because im not in all over my heels. Instead I am forcefully makes this effort as a manner of speaking. Therefore dating her seems more like a business offer. Instead of putting in effort with 100% emotions, I am dating her because of the fact that it makes sense logically to date her. Am I saying that I am not physically attracted to her? No. But when I hit the gym, I see women walking around smiling that I feel like I would absolutely "fall in love with", I would turn into a desperate chump for them any day (joke). And I don't have that with her, is this a bad thing? Perhaps I should wait until we get intimate, perhaps my feeling will change if the sex is great (although she is still a virgin). I definitely feel like missing out, some people here say I should stop trying to force the feeling at, which I am currently doing by not trying to give a crap and see where the road goes. I have grown in love before (2 year RS), so I will just try and do it again and hope that im not fooling myself / forcing myself in the process. Well, of course, you need some kind of attraction at least. I don't think you should just "pick" a girl and then try to date her for the sake of dating. But, if there's one in particular where there's at least a flicker, ask her out. You should never force anything. When I first met my current SO, I thought "eh, he's kinda cute" but after a little while I grew to find him to be very handsome. When I look at him now, I melt Our first intimate experience was enjoyable but my, let's say, state of arousal wasn't high at that time. Now, all he has to do is look at me a certain way . . . It's about the "whole package" sometimes. So many other terrific things about him kinda enhanced his physical appeal. This was the case with my ex husband (we were married 30 years). Even to this day, I think he's handsome although in the beginning he was just kinda cute.
No_Go Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I think growing numb is part of maturity. The last time that I remember being overwhelmed by sparks was at age of 24 (and I never even had a relationship with the man). Now at 30, my focus is kind of shifted away from the initial sparks, because I'm more cynic and pragmatical in a way, consider the person as a whole, not only the crazy chemistry. In your case I wouldn't go forward if you're not attracted to your date. But if your are, and it is just less than what you experienced before, I'd not dismiss her if I were you. Have I grown numb? Should I continue dating a women I am fond of but not feeling TRULY in love? When it comes to relationships, can love grow? Or does true love begin with a relatively instant spark? Is an instant spark a sign it's meant to be? Or merely a sign of strong chemistry and, perhaps, little more?
Hopeful30 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I think growing numb is part of maturity. No. Just, no.
pteromom Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I definitely feel like missing out, some people here say I should stop trying to force the feeling at, which I am currently doing by not trying to give a crap and see where the road goes. Definitely don't FORCE the feeling. But also - don't live in your head. Don't view her only with logic and reason. LAUGH. Let go. Show her the real you. Sing loudly to songs on the radio. Dance around like an idiot. Go on spontaneous adventures with you. Act not like a guy who is in love with HER - since you aren't feeling that yet - but show that you are a guy who is in love with your LIFE! If any feelings can grow, give them an environment to grow in. And don't worry about whether you can fall in love with her. Just have fun with her - and see what happens. Even if it ends up fizzling out, you will be able to look back at the time with a big smile on your face.
pteromom Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I think growing numb is part of maturity. The last time that I remember being overwhelmed by sparks was at age of 24 (and I never even had a relationship with the man). Now at 30, my focus is kind of shifted away from the initial sparks, because I'm more cynic and pragmatical in a way, consider the person as a whole, not only the crazy chemistry. That's not NUMB. That's just balancing your head and heart. Learning lessons and getting smarter. Nothing wrong with that.
Leigh 87 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) My parents both had a spark upon first meeting. They are still together over 30 years later...... My good friends boyfriend was insanely attracted to her from the start. He didn't have to grow attracted. He felt wildly attracted from day one. As did she for him. Years later, that couple still " make out ", hold hands and to the outsider it looks like they just met. They have a crazy hot sex life. They both say Omg how can this ever get any better. Then it does. Sorry to say this but the happiest relationships that I have observed started with a spark. Not always on date one but by date two latest......I am holding out for someone who's wildly attracted and who I'm feeling the same about . The I'll test for the compatibility stuff after mutual strong chemistry is established established. Sure it takes a lot longer to some someone who's super attracted to us and who we also feel it for back....... But I've seen the long term results of the couples who started out with the spark and ended up as best friends and steamy hot lovers.......... Sorry but you will meet women who you do feel the special chemistry and spark for and you will wish you had it with your partner. That being said, Carrie T, the poster on love shack, racked up 300 plus lovers and despite being sexually adventurous and married one, at age 50 ish she married a man with whom she had little sexual attraction. She is way happier than she was in her high chemistry relationships. And her passion grew over several months........ Edited June 18, 2015 by Leigh 87
Leigh 87 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 My guy also went for what was on the inside previously. He didn't pick women he fell head over heels for. He didn't feel lust for their bodies and it grew rather from a budding friendship... With me he thought I was drop dead gorgeous and fell into infatuation over my body and over our chemistry and he also thinks I'm a kind and intelligent woman too. He says it feels infinitely better that he is actually FALLING for me. I didn't ask him. He lamented that he felt like he struck gold with me because he is falling IN love as opposed to having to grow to love without the infatuation stage. Me!? I tend to only feel instant chemistry and passion for jerks abd unavailable losers. My guy has a heart of hold of gold and we click do well personality wise....I told him no on the first date. Because the fireworks weren't instant. There WAS something there though....a spark of sorts. I walked away wanting to be friends. Days later, it hit me so hard. I cannot stop thinking about him and the fireworks are there. So it doesn't have to be instant it has happened to me after date one and after a few hours of hanging out.........in fact all my guys I fell hard for and felt fireworks with I only felt after a few hours and not instantly. Not feeling it after three dates means it'll likely never happen. You aren't likey to be smitten and have her on your mind constantly but you CAN choose to let it grow without the heady honeymoon stage. Personally I'd rather hold out for a man who is in lust with my looks AND who also likes, respects and admires me as a person. I am not with this guy dating him any longer so to give you some perspective, the people we usually feel the most sexually charged chemistry for are never often the people who fall for us, nor are they compatible. However, there is a another guy I recently met who wants to date me. He is the one who does text and calls me unlike the man I am actually into. I have decided to not give him a chance because there is no spark. I am totally indifferent. I don't care if we meet again. I like the way he looks and I get along so well with him though. I just felt nothing when we kissed. You seem in the mindset where you are going a girl a chance despite feeling much like I am towards this most recent guy who actually wants to date me. I believe I'll eventually find a strong mutual attraction and that IN love feeling with a suitable partner. I may be 40 by the time a strong mutual attraction accompanies a long term relationship, it so be it. I'm 28. I personally just don't feel happy going to the effort of dating a man who I don't feel the spark or excitement surrounding. With the last guy who just wasn't into me and just wanted some fun, my toes curled from just thinking of him..I had him on my mind, thinking about how glorious it feels to make out with him him The other guy leaves me cold. Despite being my type of guy and nice looking. I would rather be cuddled up in bed watching a dvd with my cat then having to get up and invest time " dating " a man who I'm not giddy with excitement over. If your expectations are realistic you should be able to find strong lust, infatuation and a long lasting happy relationship. I, however, you're only smitten with women who are model material the you will likely haven't settle. I feel hopeful because I feel intense chemistry for average looking men; my level of lust and the instant spark doesn't go up due to the man being better looking objectively speaking.
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