NC-Thomas Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) Im having a tough dilemma. Im a 27 year old man and I cant seem to fall in love, no matter how many great women I date. I have not felt -in- love for over 5 years. My previous 2 year relationship we just growed to each other, but in my first relationship (2011) the sparks were truly flying. I have not felt that ecstatic ever again... and fairly spoken im missing it. Today I had my 3rd date with a good-looking young lady, intelligent, studying medicine and she seems caring too. I can talk to her for hours about all kinds of matters, our last date took 6 hours of pure talking. I had a good time. And yes I sometimes think of her when im just going on my regular day. My problem? I like her a lot, but I just don't have that ecstatic feeling of chemistry. And i feel like i NEED that feeling in order to start a relationship with a woman, or else I am just kidding myself. In my last relationship I hoped that love would "grow", it kinda did, but it's different without that "being in love sparkling feeling". We sort off became best buddies, we could talk about anything, act weird and have good sex. Have I grown numb? Should I continue dating a women I am fond of but not feeling TRULY in love? When it comes to relationships, can love grow? Or does true love begin with a relatively instant spark? Is an instant spark a sign it's meant to be? Or merely a sign of strong chemistry and, perhaps, little more? I know, a lot of questions. Edited June 11, 2015 by NC-Thomas
johndoe2 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Have I grown numb? Should I continue dating a women I am fond of but not feeling TRULY in love? Yes. Or does true love begin with a relatively instant spark? Is an instant spark a sign it's meant to be? Or merely a sign of strong chemistry and' date=' perhaps, little more?[/quote'] No. No one is "meant" to be with anyone else. There is no such thing as destiny. And what do you mean by 'true love?' Life isn't a romantic comedy. Don't expect some mysterious indescribable thing to happen that signals you've 'found the one.' That's superstition. Some people maybe something like this does happen; usually, for those people 'it' happens multiple times, with multiple people, perhaps because they're compatible with many people, it's in the nature of their personality. You're probably not one of those people. Most people probably aren't. It seems like you're waiting for a woman with whom you have some sort of epiphany. I don't think waiting for hypothetical epiphanies is ever a good strategy. 1
Juha Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Well it sounds like you like her resume so to speak but a just not that into her even though you are trying to be more into her than you really are... Sounds like your last relationship was what you are looking for but did not know it. The person you can say anything to, goof around with, and be completely yourself and comfortable and best buddies with is very very rare. you loved her but did not have the fireworks so you dropped her. My best relationship was exactly how you described. regrettably things happened with timing and circumstance and her being messed up doomed us. The fireworks are usually lust and go away but love is a decision not just a feeling. 3
Gary S Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Let me ask you this.... do you ever meet a woman you would at least like to kiss? Try that and see where it goes. It takes 7 weeks of dating for a man to fall in love with a woman. 1
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Let me ask you this.... do you ever meet a woman you would at least like to kiss? Try that and see where it goes. It takes 7 weeks of dating for a man to fall in love with a woman. We kissed on the second and third date so far. Basically i can choose to grow in love with someone and falling in love is just based on lust and infatuation? Feeling butterflies is not essential i guess...?
Timshel Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Let me ask you this.... do you ever meet a woman you would at least like to kiss? Try that and see where it goes. It takes 7 weeks of dating for a man to fall in love with a woman. LOL Gary. I love your posts but this one.....Love is never forced or fit into, it simply is. It is a rare thing to connect with another person on all levels. It doesn't happen often. Sorry, but sometimes people on ls baffle me with the expectation that love is some booby prize that if sought diligently will be found, like a scavenger hunt or 'Surviver' Prize. Love happens quite randomly and unexpectedly. There are very few people that it will happen with. I would encourage patience and to have fun and enjoy life while 'waiting.' Don't wait, live, Vive'! Expect nothing and give everything. No, I don't mean bj's or ONS, open your heart and give. Phfft, never mind the possible euphemisms. Just stop expecting something great by doing a full court press. It will come while you are busy doing other things. Just like that. Simple, easy and most importantly, RIGHT. 2
johndoe2 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 We kissed on the second and third date so far. Basically i can choose to grow in love with someone and falling in love is just based on lust and infatuation? Feeling butterflies is not essential i guess...? From what I've observed, love, in the most useful sense of the word, is far more a matter of assessment and choice than 'butterflies', 'fireworks' and all that nonsense. What many (most?) people call love is really just ephemeral infatuation; it withers and plenty of people who experience it are divorced within five years; many who don't have 'fireworks' remain married their whole lives. Don't wait for the romcom/fairy-tale notion of love to happen; it's not a real thing, not really. To the extent that it is, it has a remarkably short shelf-life. 4
Grewd Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I've found from extensively trying to be happy and feel love that trying to do so is self defeating. Responding with a fear of having lost those feelings will take you further away from them. As you may understand, love and fear are polar opposites. Grasping for the feeling of love coming from a feeling of fear will make love seem far away. It's a conflict and as such trying harder only generates stress. Trying to love someone and simultaneously having in the back of your mind that you can't feel it again is a form of self deceit. You'll try to love someone when in fact upon checking how you actually feel you don't feel love, you can't force the feeling. Either you do feel it or you don't, if you're not sure you can be sure it's not love. Love is not uncertain, ambiguous or otherwise doubtful. Those are a set of negative feelings. So to conclude, love is a feeling and as such it can only come from within you as in you feel love. You can look all you want outside yourself, but it's inside you. Looking for it inside you won't work when looking for it from other feelings. There's one thing you can do though, that is to stop trying to make it happen and instead let it happen. I have found that it seems to come around when I stop trying to find it. When I think of it acceptance, patience, being worry free and allowing things to happen is very loving qualities. Obviously impatience, resistance (to present feelings), worries and forcing things is as such self defeating. 1
Arieswoman Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 NC-thomas, If you want "chemistry" buy a chemistry set. (do they still sell them I wonder ?!) "Early ripe, early rotten", as they say. Forget about fireworks. True love develops over time. The best relationships start slowly and build. Just my 6 penneth...... 3
Leigh 87 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 NC-thomas, If you want "chemistry" buy a chemistry set. (do they still sell them I wonder ?!) "Early ripe, early rotten", as they say. Forget about fireworks. True love develops over time. The best relationships start slowly and build. Just my 6 penneth...... Actually , the happiest relationships start out with fireworks and intense chemistry and strong " in love " feelings. AND result in the hot lovers becoming the best of friends.... White hot sexual chemistry with a best friend is the happiest outcome. Mad in love feelings, infatuation, strong lust and a strong friendship is WAYYYYYY more fulfilling than non fireworks and low chemistry derived relationships...... Plenty of very happily married couples started with fireworks and chemistry AND end up becoming best friends. You just have to be attractive enough to garner that sort of lust from a wide enough array of individuals of the opposite sex......AND you also have to be the type of person who FEELS chemistry and sparks easily.............. Since its a crap shoot and most people you DO feel those " in love " feelings for aren't suitable or it's un requented...... I personally feel sparks and chemistry yearly with a few people and I'm attractive enough to garner strong attraction from enough men. Where as my friend is prettier than me yet RARELY feels excited and giddy about men... Therefore she wouldn't be holding out for fireworks since she seldom feels it towards men........ Does the OP feel sparks easily? Sexually speaking? The best relationships I've seen are with couples who started with intense chemistry and also became the best of friends as well as hot lovers. The couples with dynamite sexual chemistry and who are best friends are the happiest long term - it's rare but the couples I have known who have the fireworks and the true compatibility are by far, the happiest. Couples I know who had fireworks in the first couple of dates and lasted long term still " make out" and feel exhilaration. My friend and her partner had fireworks. When you see them kissing years later it, they look like they only just men.... a few times a week they still make out like teenagers...... That couple I noticed also had a beautiful honeymoon stage. They were infatuated, couldn't wait to see one another and couples keep their hands off one another. Years later, the intense chemistry coupled with the fact they are the best of friends makes their relationship magical compared to the non fireworks couples who never wanted to rip each others clothes off to.begin with. Fortunately, I'm attractive enough and I feel chemistry with everyone men and will therefore likey get fireworks with a compatible partner one day. I don't date men I am not majorly sparking with by date 2 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 OP, People who say no fireworks " feel" better are full o ****e. Fireworks plus a couple who are best friends is the best feeling. No fireworks with a best friend feels less fulfilling. Everyone would RATHER fall head over heels, fall hard and be giddy with excitement, smitten, infatuated and who the hell wouldn't WANT to make love to a person they are wildly sexually into and passionate about!?!?????? The trouble is, most people can't garner intense chemistry from others.. . .and when THEY feel it towards someone, that person seldom feels it back ; the rare times the chemistry is mutually off the charts, the two people aren't compatible. Years ago, I learnt to be open to feeling sparks for all types or men. I was a shallow gym junkie and felt that only stereo typically hot men were chemistry worthy.. .. I took a looooong look at those types of men......... I soon realised the men who would think I am drop dead gorgeous on the outside and inside, would be average aussie blokes ( where I'm from ). Now I have a much wider pool than most woman to choose from. I have felt fireworks towards sooooo many different " types " or men. Looking all around me I am totally open to feeling sparks with anyone where as the old me would only be open to looking at men who were hot by societies standards and what my family and friends would think. This method may not work for most... Being more open to fireworks and chemistry because it is paramount for me to feel, in order to enter into a dating situation and then the resulting relationship.
pteromom Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Today I had my 3rd date with a good-looking young lady, intelligent, studying medicine and she seems caring too. I can talk to her for hours about all kinds of matters, our last date took 6 hours of pure talking. I had a good time. And yes I sometimes think of her when im just going on my regular day. My problem? I like her a lot, but I just don't have that ecstatic feeling of chemistry. It could go either way at this point. See if the spark starts growing once things get more physical. You can absolutely fall in love without initial fireworks. 2
pteromom Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Plenty of very happily married couples started with fireworks and chemistry AND end up becoming best friends. True. And many miserable couples start out with intense fireworks and chemistry, and when the honeymoon period fades away, find that they have nothing in common and can't grow as a couple. Chemistry is fun - but it isn't the most important thing. And it absolutely CAN be grown. 3
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) Thanks all, I really appreciate your views on the matter. I know love is about much MUCH more than just lust and infatuation, but this is what keeps us attracted the first months. When you are not falling in love, you basically lack this lust, therefore only logic is left. Then you start to assess the person in a logical way instead of being in over your ears. Perhaps falling in love is something juvenile and as we grow older, we think more instead of only feeling? Still not sure what is the right attitude towards the situation but I think I will see what happens: keep dating and see where it goes. Although I really miss the fireworks... and I doubt whether I should keep dating her, because it might not be fair to her if I don't feel fireworks. Some people tell me that it is essential to fall in love, while others start as buddies and grow towards eachother. I've done both. Both can work, but I feel the latter option is somehow more boring (?) and more forced. Allthough I only had 3 dates so far: 1. keep dating this woman without having "the" spark 2. be honest and stay single, waiting for someone too really fall in love with Im thinking of going with option 1, but I feel kinda guilty towards her if she is falling in love with me and I cannot give her the same back... Edited June 11, 2015 by NC-Thomas 1
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) Does the OP feel sparks easily? Sexually speaking? Universally: sexually, alot infact. But I care alot about intelligence in a woman and several other factors. If she lacks this, I can fall in love with her body, but I rather fall in love with the person... Truth is, its very hard to find a woman that is physically attractive and has attractive character. Liking a body is 1, but liking a person is something else. Her body is average, not necessarily the greatest, not a body I would fall in love with directly, but the person inside is just perfect, great character traits. What counts for me is her face, which is very good too! To be clear: im not falling love with her body, but I want to give the person inside a chance to fall in love with, which takes time and patience, while not having that LUST and INFATUATION there. I hope this can work out without leading her on. Edited June 11, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Leigh 87 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Universally: sexually, alot infact. But I care alot about intelligence in a woman and several other factors. If she lacks this, I can fall in love with her body, but I rather fall in love with the person... Truth is, its very hard to find a woman that is physically attractive and has attractive character. Liking a body is 1, but liking a person is something else. Her body is average, not necessarily the greatest, not a body I would fall in love with directly, but the person inside is just perfect, great character traits. What counts for me is her face, which is very good too! To be clear: im not falling love with her body, but I want to give the person inside a chance to fall in love with, which takes time and patience, while not having that LUST and INFATUATION there. I hope this can work out without leading her on. My guy also went for what was on the inside previously. He didn't pick women he fell head over heels for. He didn't feel lust for their bodies and it grew rather from a budding friendship... With me he thought I was drop dead gorgeous and fell into infatuation over my body and over our chemistry and he also thinks I'm a kind and intelligent woman too. He says it feels infinitely better that he is actually FALLING for me. I didn't ask him. He lamented that he felt like he struck gold with me because he is falling IN love as opposed to having to grow to love without the infatuation stage. Me!? I tend to only feel instant chemistry and passion for jerks abd unavailable losers. My guy has a heart of hold of gold and we click do well personality wise....I told him no on the first date. Because the fireworks weren't instant. There WAS something there though....a spark of sorts. I walked away wanting to be friends. Days later, it hit me so hard. I cannot stop thinking about him and the fireworks are there. So it doesn't have to be instant it has happened to me after date one and after a few hours of hanging out.........in fact all my guys I fell hard for and felt fireworks with I only felt after a few hours and not instantly. Not feeling it after three dates means it'll likely never happen. You aren't likey to be smitten and have her on your mind constantly but you CAN choose to let it grow without the heady honeymoon stage. Personally I'd rather hold out for a man who is in lust with my looks AND who also likes, respects and admires me as a person.
inpeices Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Im having a tough dilemma. Im a 27 year old man and I cant seem to fall in love, no matter how many great women I date. I have not felt -in- love for over 5 years. My previous 2 year relationship we just growed to each other, but in my first relationship (2011) the sparks were truly flying. I have not felt that ecstatic ever again... and fairly spoken im missing it. Today I had my 3rd date with a good-looking young lady, intelligent, studying medicine and she seems caring too. I can talk to her for hours about all kinds of matters, our last date took 6 hours of pure talking. I had a good time. And yes I sometimes think of her when im just going on my regular day. My problem? I like her a lot, but I just don't have that ecstatic feeling of chemistry. And i feel like i NEED that feeling in order to start a relationship with a woman, or else I am just kidding myself. In my last relationship I hoped that love would "grow", it kinda did, but it's different without that "being in love sparkling feeling". We sort off became best buddies, we could talk about anything, act weird and have good sex. Have I grown numb? Should I continue dating a women I am fond of but not feeling TRULY in love? When it comes to relationships, can love grow? Or does true love begin with a relatively instant spark? Is an instant spark a sign it's meant to be? Or merely a sign of strong chemistry and, perhaps, little more? I know, a lot of questions. This may or may not help.. Unless you are carrying some residual feelings for the 2012 chemistry ex that haven't been dealt with perhaps.. Then maybe you are hitting a strong healthy phase of choosiness where your heart is guarded until you are more comfortable with where 'this' may be going? And that is good...just don't lead anyone on in the process... Take the time and don't rush and maybe you could have a really nice future there. For me, aged 17 and first love I chose cheater, then a good one (2yrs) which I ended, then a cheater we loved together 2yrs (divorcee with two children & 10 yrs my senior) then I had a twelve year relationship (living together) with 'the one' who clearly wasn't the one because they cheated at the beginning middle and end of the relationship.. I then got too deep into a person I barely knew and trusted way too much.. Violent (2yrs on and off living together) Every red flag, warning sign, lack of chemistry or too much spark and drama was there from the very beginning.. I find it really simple.. What you see and feel now, is probably how it will stay or lessen.. Just my experience... If you aren't thinking about your girl everyday after a couple of weeks and excited about what you are doing next then I think a re-exam is in order... If you don't fancy her rotten and can't wait to see her.. Mmm... Good luck though.. She sounds really nice x
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Im having a tough dilemma. Im a 27 year old man and I cant seem to fall in love, no matter how many great women I date. I have not felt -in- love for over 5 years. My previous 2 year relationship we just growed to each other, but in my first relationship (2011) the sparks were truly flying. I have not felt that ecstatic ever again... and fairly spoken im missing it. Today I had my 3rd date with a good-looking young lady, intelligent, studying medicine and she seems caring too. I can talk to her for hours about all kinds of matters, our last date took 6 hours of pure talking. I had a good time. And yes I sometimes think of her when im just going on my regular day. My problem? I like her a lot, but I just don't have that ecstatic feeling of chemistry. And i feel like i NEED that feeling in order to start a relationship with a woman, or else I am just kidding myself. In my last relationship I hoped that love would "grow", it kinda did, but it's different without that "being in love sparkling feeling". We sort off became best buddies, we could talk about anything, act weird and have good sex. Have I grown numb? Should I continue dating a women I am fond of but not feeling TRULY in love? When it comes to relationships, can love grow? Or does true love begin with a relatively instant spark? Is an instant spark a sign it's meant to be? Or merely a sign of strong chemistry and, perhaps, little more? I know, a lot of questions. Yes, usually, there are sparks in the beginning with someone, but that spark is about "being IN love", it's not Love YET. It is a process, not an event. It's when the "being IN love" point starts to wane and you begin to see the whole person for who they are that the Love either develops or it doesn't. The honeymoon period is a period where both parties for the most part are bringing their best selves forward. The truth is, that that cannot be maintained forever. Eventually, the true self comes out, bad habits, etc. Both parties are now seeing a "new dating partner". Basically, you're starting over in the "getting to know" phase of that person. This is where the real love starts to develop, or not, and it takes effort and commitment to accept that the person you are with is not who you thought you fell in love with. Being "IN Love", is about the idealized version of that person you are dating. Loving them is about accepting them for who they are and whether or not the rest of the foundation for a relationship exists between them regardless of those new things they've come to see and deal with. The sparks are nice, they are exciting, etc. but don't invest yourself in the sparks. And sometimes, if there aren't any sparks but there's "something" there you can't put your finger on, it's worth a little time to investigate. Patience is a good thing. All I'm saying is don't limit your dating potential/pool because you didn't have fireworks on a first date. Take a chance once in while, that's all. Mix it up. Don't discard a person every time because of no sparks. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 NC, I want to add something. Above I explained that during the honeymoon phase, the couple is basically on their best behavior so to speak and when the truer version of themselves comes through, they seem to be a different people than they were in the beginning. There are couples who say that their honeymoon period lasted longer or never ended. The reason for this is likely that those people were being themselves from the very beginning . . . 4
123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Im having a tough dilemma. Im a 27 year old man and I cant seem to fall in love, no matter how many great women I date. Keep up the good work.
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) NC, I want to add something. Above I explained that during the honeymoon phase, the couple is basically on their best behavior so to speak and when the truer version of themselves comes through, they seem to be a different people than they were in the beginning. There are couples who say that their honeymoon period lasted longer or never ended. The reason for this is likely that those people were being themselves from the very beginning . . . Thanks for sharing your wisdom Redhead . This gives me a new perspective on the matter. You said, basically you skip the glittery honeymoon phase and head straight for that true version of yourself, I agree, creates nice transparency too. However is it not that we actually need this "immense" physical attraction of lust and infatuation from the very start in order to invest in the other half? Should this be absent, like in my case (no honeymoon), I will have to invest much more energy in her because im not in all over my heels. Instead I am forcefully makes this effort as a manner of speaking. Therefore dating her seems more like a business offer. Instead of putting in effort with 100% emotions, I am dating her because of the fact that it makes sense logically to date her. Am I saying that I am not physically attracted to her? No. But when I hit the gym, I see women walking around smiling that I feel like I would absolutely "fall in love with", I would turn into a desperate chump for them any day (joke). And I don't have that with her, is this a bad thing? Perhaps I should wait until we get intimate, perhaps my feeling will change if the sex is great (although she is still a virgin). I definitely feel like missing out, some people here say I should stop trying to force the feeling at, which I am currently doing by not trying to give a crap and see where the road goes. I have grown in love before (2 year RS), so I will just try and do it again and hope that im not fooling myself / forcing myself in the process. Edited June 12, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Hopeful30 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 (edited) To be honest, I just think some people have it harder finding someone they are attracted to. It's just the way it is. I've never even been in love so I don't know what that's like, and I've been single for almost a year now because I haven't been dating men I don't really like. It's gotten to a point where people are questioning my sexuality. I'm sorry but I just DONT like anyone right now. At least not enough to open my heart and my legs (lol). I've said this before and I'll say it again, people who are attracted to others left right and center are the lucky ones. They have options and people to choose from. People like us are lucky if we even meet a person we have chemistry with, and even then it doesn't mean it could lead anywhere else. *sigh* This may sound terrible, but people like us often settle. I have a good heart, and I've settled in the past and still been good to my men. But it's still settling, you know? Life is just like that. Not everyone will meet the right person. F*ck, there's 6 billion of us for crying aloud. Edited June 12, 2015 by Hopeful30
123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Legally marrying someone IS a business offer. Enter into such things cautiously. 1
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