feelingtorn Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I almost feel like giving up on dating, but before I do, I felt like I should at least seek your sage advice and see if I should give it any more try. So, I met a guy on Tinder. We had two dates. Great dates -- we are similar in many ways. Similar childhood, interests, sense of humor. I recently had a confusing exp with another man whom I also met on Tinder. He basically told me he was not ready to date all of sudden. I also knew this new guy recently broke up with his GF. So, I casually texted him asking if he was truly ready. He said he was thinking about it actually. He felt we had a great physical connection, enjoyed our conversation/texting, and also felt very comfortable around me. BUT he was not sure what he wanted. OH MY GOD. What is wrong with me. Why do I always attract men who do not know what they want. But he said he still wanted to continue to see me in whatever capacity that works for both of us. Is he implying he wants to be FFB? Should I just give up on dating? I work too many hours and when I am free, I hang out with my friends who are either married or unavailable. I feel like I should just be happy being single and use my time more productively
Toodaloo Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Tinder is for hook ups and free love! if you want something more serious then go for a more serious dating site and also work on your dating skills so you can attract men in real life too!
Versacehottie Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I almost feel like giving up on dating, but before I do, I felt like I should at least seek your sage advice and see if I should give it any more try. So, I met a guy on Tinder. We had two dates. Great dates -- we are similar in many ways. Similar childhood, interests, sense of humor. I recently had a confusing exp with another man whom I also met on Tinder. He basically told me he was not ready to date all of sudden. I also knew this new guy recently broke up with his GF. So, I casually texted him asking if he was truly ready. He said he was thinking about it actually. He felt we had a great physical connection, enjoyed our conversation/texting, and also felt very comfortable around me. BUT he was not sure what he wanted. OH MY GOD. What is wrong with me. Why do I always attract men who do not know what they want. But he said he still wanted to continue to see me in whatever capacity that works for both of us. Is he implying he wants to be FFB? Should I just give up on dating? I work too many hours and when I am free, I hang out with my friends who are either married or unavailable. I feel like I should just be happy being single and use my time more productively Ok, so Tinder has a hookup-y vibe but I know several people who have met their bf's on there. So first off, I think when you asked the guy you liked if he was ready for a relationship, you put him on the spot. Most of the time guys default to not overpromising. Even to the point that they will let a relationship go if you put them on the spot like that. You think you texted him "casually" wondering if he was "truly ready". I guarantee there is no way it was received like that!! So what to do if you like him go out with him some more. That's the only way you can determine whether his statement was a knee jerk reaction to your forward question and if he's truly interested but you just scared OR if he is not that into you and wants to keep dating around. Heck, after only a couple of dates even some guys who are into you "thinks" he still wants to date around!! You don't have to do a FWB thing with him though it IS a concern because of tinder. I think he wouldn't have already taken you on two normal dates if hooking up was his only intention. Just do what you feel comfortable with on these dates. I would say something like this: sounds like you want to take it a little slow and see how things evolve (in regards to his dating readiness), let's try that. Then if it comes up in regards to how fast things are progressing sexually, just repeat the same back to him: we are taking it slow, right? or something to that effect. Actually I don't think this is the worst thing that could have happened. You will have a chance for more dating with him, physically you can and should go slower, which will allow him to get more attached to you. If he only wants you physically, you are going to find that out right away now and it won't be all confused with your allusion that you actually are dating. He basically informed you that you should have your guard up, which you should have had up anyway! But good now informed, you can do what's best for you. What is wrong with you is that you are asking these questions TO THEM too much upfront. It's scary and overbearing. Just go with flow and have fun. Put the burden of making these decisions on yourself based on the guys actions. You should be deciding if YOU want a relationship with HIM. That will change your focus and likely your results. Make sure you have a life besides your desire for a relationship. He should be trying to squeeze into a full life that will make any guy more attracted to you. So yes hang out with your friends, do hobbies and be productive. Right now it sounds like you are too focused on finding the one. That usually doesn't work. It scares them away. Good luck
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I almost feel like giving up on dating, but before I do, I felt like I should at least seek your sage advice and see if I should give it any more try. So, I met a guy on Tinder. We had two dates. Great dates -- we are similar in many ways. Similar childhood, interests, sense of humor. I recently had a confusing exp with another man whom I also met on Tinder. He basically told me he was not ready to date all of sudden. I also knew this new guy recently broke up with his GF. So, I casually texted him asking if he was truly ready. He said he was thinking about it actually. He felt we had a great physical connection, enjoyed our conversation/texting, and also felt very comfortable around me. BUT he was not sure what he wanted. OH MY GOD. What is wrong with me. Why do I always attract men who do not know what they want. But he said he still wanted to continue to see me in whatever capacity that works for both of us. Is he implying he wants to be FFB? Should I just give up on dating? I work too many hours and when I am free, I hang out with my friends who are either married or unavailable. I feel like I should just be happy being single and use my time more productively They may not know what they want, but they know what they don't want. That is the question to ask when you get that response.
Author feelingtorn Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Ok, so Tinder has a hookup-y vibe but I know several people who have met their bf's on there. So first off, I think when you asked the guy you liked if he was ready for a relationship, you put him on the spot. Most of the time guys default to not overpromising. Even to the point that they will let a relationship go if you put them on the spot like that. You think you texted him "casually" wondering if he was "truly ready". I guarantee there is no way it was received like that!! So what to do if you like him go out with him some more. That's the only way you can determine whether his statement was a knee jerk reaction to your forward question and if he's truly interested but you just scared OR if he is not that into you and wants to keep dating around. Heck, after only a couple of dates even some guys who are into you "thinks" he still wants to date around!! You don't have to do a FWB thing with him though it IS a concern because of tinder. I think he wouldn't have already taken you on two normal dates if hooking up was his only intention. Just do what you feel comfortable with on these dates. I would say something like this: sounds like you want to take it a little slow and see how things evolve (in regards to his dating readiness), let's try that. Then if it comes up in regards to how fast things are progressing sexually, just repeat the same back to him: we are taking it slow, right? or something to that effect. Actually I don't think this is the worst thing that could have happened. You will have a chance for more dating with him, physically you can and should go slower, which will allow him to get more attached to you. If he only wants you physically, you are going to find that out right away now and it won't be all confused with your allusion that you actually are dating. He basically informed you that you should have your guard up, which you should have had up anyway! But good now informed, you can do what's best for you. What is wrong with you is that you are asking these questions TO THEM too much upfront. It's scary and overbearing. Just go with flow and have fun. Put the burden of making these decisions on yourself based on the guys actions. You should be deciding if YOU want a relationship with HIM. That will change your focus and likely your results. Make sure you have a life besides your desire for a relationship. He should be trying to squeeze into a full life that will make any guy more attracted to you. So yes hang out with your friends, do hobbies and be productive. Right now it sounds like you are too focused on finding the one. That usually doesn't work. It scares them away. Good luck Thank you...Very helpful. I will be casual and won't ask any more "serious' questions. I just got burnt very badly twice and did not want to go through the same heart aching process again, but you are absolutely right.
kendahke Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I recently had a confusing exp with another man whom I also met on Tinder. He basically told me he was not ready to date all of sudden. I also knew this new guy recently broke up with his GF. So, I casually texted him asking if he was truly ready. I dont' think it's too early to find out if someone who just broke up with their girlfriend was ready to be dating--dating and being in a relationship are two different things. IMO, anyone fresh off of the heartbreak of a relationship break up isn't ready for the rigors and obligation of a new relationship, but casual, no stress dates while you are still dating other men isn't a problem. Just don't have sex with anyone who doesn't want commitment with you. IF you do, then own that you wanted to do that.
CarrieT Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Stop using Tinder unless you want to keep meeting men who aren't serious...
Versacehottie Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Thank you...Very helpful. I will be casual and won't ask any more "serious' questions. I just got burnt very badly twice and did not want to go through the same heart aching process again, but you are absolutely right. You're welcome. Of course. I think there's a time and place for serious questions. Two dates in typically isn't it. As good as they were. Remember in most ways, as old school as it sounds, guys need the allusion that they are chasing you and "making it happen". That's how they fall in love. If you are chasing them, which essentially is what posing a question like yours is, roles are reversed. Most of us can relate to being through heart ache before and wanting to prevent it. Unfortunately, good dating involves risk. You will have to put yourself at risk of getting hurt in some way in order to find love. Protect yourself by watching their actions. It's harder work on you and harder to walk away when their actions say one thing and their words say another. But smart dating girls do this stuff without thinking. They put themselves first and don't want a relationship over how they are being treated. That's all that matters anyway. Otherwise you'd be in a relationship but posting here about some other problem with the guy you are in one with. In order to minimize problems and get the best relationship possible, watch their actions. That will tell you what you need to know. I don't think all is lost with this guy at all. Go have fun. Take the pressure off yourself and him. See what happens. Don't commit to him so soon in your mind anyway. You don't know him well enough yet to do that. Keep posting your progress. We will be right here for you
aloneinaz Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I agree that you should be on a more serious dating site, not a site know for hook ups. I always found people on Match to be the most serious about wanting to find a relationship. When people are paying to be on a dating site, it demonstrates they are serious. I personally wouldn't of asked that question either. His actions were demonstrating he might not have been ready or you were not what he was looking for. It was very early and you simply have to go with the flow. If you sense he's not ready or isn't engaging enough, you move on to someone else. I often suggest that anyone dating shouldn't put all their eggs in one basket. Try to have a 2-3 people you're casually dating so you don't put all your thoughts on just one person. If it becomes more serious w/one of the 3, you then focus on them and date them exclusively if both agree. No where in dating does it say you can't date multiple people until you agree to see only each other. Even if you're sleeping w/one or two of them. Some people get way to serious after sleeping with someone vs. recognizing that it's part of dating. I did it and know many women who also were dating and sleeping with a couple of them until it became serious. We/they then cut off everyone else and focused on the one.
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