Mylife Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hey all SO and I have been together for just over a year now. A great bf and loves and respects me a lot and I do too, starting to feel like he may just be the one! We had a nasty rough patch but are a lot better now. I had posted about them briefly, but its mostly all worked out. Just a bit scary sometimes that what if we go back...that is normal too? That is one thing. The other thing is him feeling like everything that happens to me is his fault. We had an outdoor party last night and I got terribly bitten on my face by mosquitoes and felt annoyed and cranky. He got very sad and wouldnt stop saying sorry. It was his party at his place and he felt that if he hadnt invited me I wouldnt be in that condition. I assured him it is not a big deal and I wiĺl be ok by the next day, but he gets very sad if I am in any kind of discomfort, or sad, or cranky, or low energy. He feels like it is his fault. He will ask if there is anything he can do to make me feel better, I hug him, give him a kiss and say just knowing you are by my side makes me feel better. He says he knows that but wants me to be ok and not be feeling whatever it is I am going through. So he gets quiet after that and just sad! Sometimes this last a night, sometimes a few hours or so, so its not crazy bad...but I just feel bad because he just shuts down. I dont want him to get sad because its really not his fault at all! Example from last night is just a small one, there have been others where say we stayed out super late and I am tired the next day, he feels sad and blames himself that he shouldnt have kept me out late. Others were when if I am just low energy for no reason he feels like it is something he is doing or did. He doesnt say anything...but like I said makes me feel bad. I have tried telling him that he isnt responsible for making me happy all the time, I am happy with him. He says he doesnt agree and he should make sure I am content and comfortable. I know it is super sweet of him. But I dont want him to feel sad if I am sad...or atleast not feel like I am going through something because of a situation he has put me in or because of something he did! I am 26 and he is 30, it is a first serious relationship for both of us, just in case that helps. Anybody else go through this? What did you do? What about if you were on the other side that you felt the way he does? What did you want your SO to say/do for you?
GorillaTheater Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Here's my best guess: he has a strong tendency to take too much responsibility for your happiness. If you're not happy, he feels like it's his fault. It's a failing of mine as well, although not as much as it sued to be as I get older and crabbier. It's a burden, for sure, on not one based in any way on logic or reason. Although I haven't done much reading on the subject (even though I probably should have), I'd say it probably relates in some way to co-dependence, maybe from a childhood where he was made to feel responsible for anything that went FUBAR. I'm projecting like hell here, I know, but this may be a place to start. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hey all SO and I have been together for just over a year now. A great bf and loves and respects me a lot and I do too, starting to feel like he may just be the one! We had a nasty rough patch but are a lot better now. I had posted about them briefly, but its mostly all worked out. Just a bit scary sometimes that what if we go back...that is normal too? That is one thing. The other thing is him feeling like everything that happens to me is his fault. We had an outdoor party last night and I got terribly bitten on my face by mosquitoes and felt annoyed and cranky. He got very sad and wouldnt stop saying sorry. It was his party at his place and he felt that if he hadnt invited me I wouldnt be in that condition. I assured him it is not a big deal and I wiĺl be ok by the next day, but he gets very sad if I am in any kind of discomfort, or sad, or cranky, or low energy. He feels like it is his fault. He will ask if there is anything he can do to make me feel better, I hug him, give him a kiss and say just knowing you are by my side makes me feel better. He says he knows that but wants me to be ok and not be feeling whatever it is I am going through. So he gets quiet after that and just sad! Sometimes this last a night, sometimes a few hours or so, so its not crazy bad...but I just feel bad because he just shuts down. I dont want him to get sad because its really not his fault at all! Example from last night is just a small one, there have been others where say we stayed out super late and I am tired the next day, he feels sad and blames himself that he shouldnt have kept me out late. Others were when if I am just low energy for no reason he feels like it is something he is doing or did. He doesnt say anything...but like I said makes me feel bad. I have tried telling him that he isnt responsible for making me happy all the time, I am happy with him. He says he doesnt agree and he should make sure I am content and comfortable. I know it is super sweet of him. But I dont want him to feel sad if I am sad...or atleast not feel like I am going through something because of a situation he has put me in or because of something he did! I am 26 and he is 30, it is a first serious relationship for both of us, just in case that helps. Anybody else go through this? What did you do? What about if you were on the other side that you felt the way he does? What did you want your SO to say/do for you? On the surface, his interest in keeping you safe, comfortable and happy is what a man who loves a woman does. However, guilt and/or sadness when you aren't as a result of some uncontrolled or outside source, is not a normal response. There are a couple of things that could contribute to this kind of response. Feeling responsible for another persons feelings or trying to control situations for them, is a sign of a deeper emotional issue. He felt sad for keeping you out late . . . you are a grown woman, if it's getting late for you, you will say something to him. He's trying to control things for you. situation he has put me in or because of something he did! -- It would be appropriate for him to feel guilty or sad if he did something that put you in a bad position -- but the above scenarios were not bad positions. What kind of family history does he have? Does he have a good relationship with his family? Does he have siblings and was he the oldest and maybe often had responsibility for younger siblings? Is there a history of tragedy in the immediate family?
Author Mylife Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Thanks for the responses. It isnt something crazy, like I said it doesnt last long, maybe one sleep at the most. He has a terrific family, a younger sister that he has a great relationship with. We both live at home as does his sister. His parents and his family love me and I love them. He seems to have had a pretty normal upbringing. Neither of us have really been in love like this before so maybe thats a contributing factor? Ever since the start of our relationship he has said he never ever wants to say or do anything to hurt me. He has said that repeatedly. Yes situations have happened where we have had natural disagreements, but have gotten through them, but yes he has felt very guilty that he didnt live up to what he said.
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Thanks for the responses. It isnt something crazy, like I said it doesnt last long, maybe one sleep at the most. He has a terrific family, a younger sister that he has a great relationship with. We both live at home as does his sister. His parents and his family love me and I love them. He seems to have had a pretty normal upbringing. Neither of us have really been in love like this before so maybe thats a contributing factor? Ever since the start of our relationship he has said he never ever wants to say or do anything to hurt me. He has said that repeatedly. Yes situations have happened where we have had natural disagreements, but have gotten through them, but yes he has felt very guilty that he didnt live up to what he said. It isn't something crazy -- If there is some kind of history affecting him, it doesn't mean he's crazy. Somewhere along the line he has been saddled with some kind of responsibility that he feels or was told he failed at and it would have been something significant. You say it doesn't last long. But, does it happen often? I'm assuming it does since you felt the need to post here about it. If this is going on often, he's likely walking on eggshells all the time. The fact that he's not communicating, he just shuts down, he is harboring a lot of anxiety at least. "he never ever wants to say or do anything to hurt me. He has said that repeatedly" -- he shuts down for fear of doing that. That is unhealthy. There is no way someone can make sure that won't happen and if that's on their mind all the time, they won't communicate effectively. All you can really do is continue to reassure him and show him that you are happy with him. Make sure you communicate with him when something isn't right though in a supportive, informative way. He needs to know if there's something you need sometimes otherwise he's just always wondering. Ask him to do something for you and give him appreciation for whatever he does do. As for him feeling sad when you're sad, you need to tell him that you appreciate him being able to empathize with you, but it would serve you better if he maintained a positive attitude during those times and simply be there for you and to do something proactive to cheer you up. Tell him what you need during your own sad times or when you're tired. Give him something to work with. I'd say he feels helpless at those times and doesn't really know what to do for you. 4
Emilia Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 It does sound like overactive empathy. Not really sure what he can do about that. I notice it with people that grew up with depressed or somewhat helpless parents. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Caring for your partner's well being is lovely. What you described seems soooo much more than that & strikes me as unhealthy. He had a party & invited you. You got bit by bugs for him to upset for 24 hours is too much. Buy some citronella candles & bug spray before the party next time & give you some calamine or Bactine but to continue to carry on is over the top
Author Mylife Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 So I figured out the next day that he had an argument with someone at the party and that is what lead to him being irritated. I left at around 11pm, talked to him a bit when I got home and he was fine the next day, so no, not really a 24 hour thing. I guess you guys are right, I just need to explain to him in those situations that it is ok and that things are not his fault. His family is perfectly normal, his upbringing has been normal, so I don't think it stems from anything. He hasn't really been in anything serious and neither have I, so this doesn't even come from past relationship experiences or anything. I wish it were possible to not be sad when your SO is sad or blah...but perhaps that is what Love is?
Carm Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 So I figured out the next day that he had an argument with someone at the party and that is what lead to him being irritated. I left at around 11pm, talked to him a bit when I got home and he was fine the next day, so no, not really a 24 hour thing. I guess you guys are right, I just need to explain to him in those situations that it is ok and that things are not his fault. His family is perfectly normal, his upbringing has been normal, so I don't think it stems from anything. He hasn't really been in anything serious and neither have I, so this doesn't even come from past relationship experiences or anything. I wish it were possible to not be sad when your SO is sad or blah...but perhaps that is what Love is? He can still have what seems like a perfectly normal family and also have underlying issues. He's wearing your feelings. Having empathy is nice but this does sound to be an over the top reaction. Sorry I know you're young but someone who wears other peoples feelings is not because they love too intently....it's because there is most likely some underlying issues.
Author Mylife Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 He can still have what seems like a perfectly normal family and also have underlying issues. He's wearing your feelings. Having empathy is nice but this does sound to be an over the top reaction. Sorry I know you're young but someone who wears other peoples feelings is not because they love too intently....it's because there is most likely some underlying issues. I have a hard time believing that may be the case, there are zero signs of anything. What do you feel like it may be? You really feel like he should see someone about them?
Carm Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) I have a hard time believing that may be the case, there are zero signs of anything. What do you feel like it may be? You really feel like he should see someone about them? It doesn't have to be anything serious but I'll bet there is something. Maybe it's underdeveloped narcissism, old parental messages, or the need to be loved. Perhaps, he's a people pleaser but why.. I think you wrote he's the oldest so maybe there was a lot of pressure on him and thus his need to please others and maintain harmony. Hard to say but what I AM saying it's not because he loves you so much that he does this but I'm certainly not saying that he does not love you. What I am saying is there some external factors here. Having said that, there are some positive aspects of caring too much, IMO there is also a cost. Edited June 17, 2015 by Carm
losangelena Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 If this is going on often, he's likely walking on eggshells all the time. The fact that he's not communicating, he just shuts down, he is harboring a lot of anxiety at least. "he never ever wants to say or do anything to hurt me. He has said that repeatedly" -- he shuts down for fear of doing that. That is unhealthy. There is no way someone can make sure that won't happen and if that's on their mind all the time, they won't communicate effectively. OP, my BF is the same way. It's charming at first, but it becomes quite taxing. My BF takes everything as a criticism, even if it's just me wanting to communicate something that will hopefully make the relationship better, and he just shuts down. I wish I could impart some wisdom on how to make it better, but I'm struggling with that myself. Good luck.
Author Mylife Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 It doesn't have to be anything serious but I'll bet there is something. Maybe it's underdeveloped narcissism, old parental messages, or the need to be loved. Perhaps, he's a people pleaser but why.. I think you wrote he's the oldest so maybe there was a lot of pressure on him and thus his need to please others and maintain harmony. Hard to say but what I AM saying it's not because he loves you so much that he does this but I'm certainly not saying that he does not love you. What I am saying is there some external factors here. Having said that, there are some positive aspects of caring too much, IMO there is also a cost. He is the oldest in the family yes, but he doesn't seem to care much about pleasing others. He isn't too social at all, but he is kind that is pretty straightforward and blunt, respectful regardless, but last thing would be people pleaser IMO. Appreciate the the thoughts though Carm, who knows what it could be. I think I just need to take if on a case by case and deal with them as they happen, at least it doesn't happen too often. Maybe once a month or less.
Author Mylife Posted June 17, 2015 Author Posted June 17, 2015 OP, my BF is the same way. It's charming at first, but it becomes quite taxing. My BF takes everything as a criticism, even if it's just me wanting to communicate something that will hopefully make the relationship better, and he just shuts down. I wish I could impart some wisdom on how to make it better, but I'm struggling with that myself. Good luck. You know exactly what I am going through then! I have held his hand and said to him that "Babe, it is ok. I just need you to hold me!" Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't. What have you tried that has helped?
todreaminblue Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) when you have been made responsible for the welfare of others from a young age, as other posters have said a history maybe of having people or younger children dependant on him could really be close to the reason why he is like he is..........you start to place the needs of others above your own needs because you dont look after the welfare of others with an adults rationale,but instead a child's logic and coping skills...you mature quickly sure...but it impedes a healthy growth of a child to adult................ you said he has a younger sister....maybe he was put in a place of responsibility with her.......as far as hurting goes...there's two sides to this coin, there's the fact that SOME hurt people often hurt people and then there's the flip side of that coin with.... if SOME people have been hurt continually over and over again....the last thing they want is to cause another pain that they have felt, they become extra vigilant in that respect....sometimes even empathic to others pain and or suffering....where they feel it double time.....their own hurt all over again and the other persons hurt........ just be patient as you said this is his first real love and yours...take it one day at a time and as another poster offered the advice of,"explain in a non confrontational and thoughtful way if you feel he is taking on responsibility of your comfort...........make him understand its not his fault if you are uncomfortable.....if you say it often enough ....he may start believing you..... i disagree that its about control......more like dependance on feeling responsibility for others and the welfare of those he cares about..like its ingrained into to be part of his personality..so maybe co-dependant is fitting ............deb Edited June 17, 2015 by todreaminblue 1
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