Fernando2826 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 My friend has just told me the story of his last breakup, which still affects him to some extent. As such I want to ask for advice on what to tell him, so that I might help. His ex and he were together for 6 months, breaking up in October due to university. Apparently they were incredibly intense, a complete infatuation it seems - she talked about the strength of her feelings often, said that she wanted to spend her life with him, that they were soulmates and that she could see their lives, children, home etc. She also wrote these things in a diary according to a friend who has seen it so seemed to believe it to the case. They decided to try and stay together at distance when both heading off to uni. Within 2 weeks, however, she had stopped texting him, despite having sent messages along the lines of "I need you in my life", "I miss your mind, body and soul" etc. He was concerned so organised to visit, driving all the way from Exeter to London to see her. On the night he was travelling she cancelled, although didn't actually let him know - turns out she was in another guy's bed - she says nothing happened and he believes her, based upon tone of voice etc, but I personally think SOMETHING must have happened even if they didn't sleep together. Her apology amounted to a single "I'm sorry", before sending another text to ask him to go to her house (they live in the same area) and pick up items from her parents, despite having done whatever with this guy the night before. He then drove all that way to find her distracted and teary. She apparently spent a lot of the time avoiding conversation to text this other guy. He says it seems as though she was not thinking about how he felt at all, or about how to treat the breakup properly to show any measure of caring. They broke up that evening when they returned to her accommodation - she apparently got very teary and made him promise that they could leave the door open to reunion in the future, saying she wished she had met him at another time in her life. However, she got out of bed at one point to text this other guy/her new uni friends, even whilst he was still there. Now I find myself wondering - as I understand it, relationships at distance quite often fall to pieces, particularly in an environment like uni. Now this girl has a history of promiscuity and cheated on her last bf when he went travelling for 3 months, when they had planned to be together, because she "feel out of love with him". She also engages in risky behaviour - drugs etc. She also sounds as though she was very immature, not emotionally rounded, or else she surely should have been able to empathise with him more? Should he still be sad about having lost this one? Or was she just an immature girl who got caught up in the first few weeks of uni and just fell out of lust with her bf? Then didn't know how to handle it - in terms of the breakup etc? Would really appreciate your help! I adore this guy, secretly really like him.
spiritofjosh Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Honestly she sounds like a bullet he is better off dodging now than later. She sounds very selfish. Based on her apparent history of sleeping around and drugs it seems that she acts on impulse with herself in mind only. A more trustworthy girlfriend wouldn't have to have a reason to explain why she is in someone else's bed, but maybe that's just my opinion.
AJH1982 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Tell your friend to leave her! When the behavior of your partner changes this much is because something is up, in this case a new guy! I agree with spiritofjosh!
DexterLS Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Tell your friend to run and never look back. Best advice you can give him at this point. Trust me.
Author Fernando2826 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Tell your friend to run and never look back. Best advice you can give him at this point. Trust me. Thanks for your reply? Why do you think this?
sowhynot Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) The lights of London are a lot, lot brighter and bigger than Exeter. Plenty more of them as well. I'm really not surprised, unfortunately, human nature at that age being what it is. Edited June 10, 2015 by sowhynot Can't spell to save my life....
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 University changes people in ways they never imagined. This high school romance didn't survive the transition. Her actions were a mix of both immaturity & selfishness. It's common. 1st time away from home, Watching whole new worlds open up. The desire to explore but having some part cling to home & things & people who are familiar. She's not a bad girl or a mean person. She wanted to "keep the door" open because she felt bad for having hurt her 1st love. That doesn't mean she actually wants to try again. In time she will be the high school GF he thinks of wistfully when reminiscing about his youth, nothing more. Send him back to his own school & tell him to have fun dating lots of coeds.
mossycup Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 While it used to be that people in their 20s got married and settled down for a life with one person, it isn't that way anymore. There are so many choices and options in our culture to be explored. I think it is understandable that this culture of choice and freedom, alongside the general confusions of youth (ie, still trying to figure themselves out and learn about what is right for them) make is very difficult for relationships to stay strong. Sometimes in religious cultures people do get married young and commit, but they have a strong community context and also more limited choices. This girl isn't bad or wrong; she's just young and trying to figure things out. When I was 20 I left a wonderful boyfriend of two years. If I'd have met him now, we'd be happily married. But I knew I was not ready. I don't feel bad, because I couldn't do any different at the time. People do hurtful things when they are not sure of themselves. Your friend will find more happiness in moving on, having fun with friends, working, doing fun stuff (but avoid binge drinking or drugs, cuz that just makes things worse), whatever. He needs time though also to feel hurt and that's ok. But tell him he is going to be ok!! And that he can let her go.
Author Fernando2826 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 While it used to be that people in their 20s got married and settled down for a life with one person, it isn't that way anymore. There are so many choices and options in our culture to be explored. I think it is understandable that this culture of choice and freedom, alongside the general confusions of youth (ie, still trying to figure themselves out and learn about what is right for them) make is very difficult for relationships to stay strong. Sometimes in religious cultures people do get married young and commit, but they have a strong community context and also more limited choices. This girl isn't bad or wrong; she's just young and trying to figure things out. When I was 20 I left a wonderful boyfriend of two years. If I'd have met him now, we'd be happily married. But I knew I was not ready. I don't feel bad, because I couldn't do any different at the time. People do hurtful things when they are not sure of themselves. Your friend will find more happiness in moving on, having fun with friends, working, doing fun stuff (but avoid binge drinking or drugs, cuz that just makes things worse), whatever. He needs time though also to feel hurt and that's ok. But tell him he is going to be ok!! And that he can let her go. Thank you all for your replies. I think the reason he has been left feeling so at sea, whilst aware of the probable reasons for her actions, is her seeming lack of empathy and thoughfulness during the breakup. He said he didn't blame her for wanting freedom at uni, or for getting caught up in everything, or for wanting to breakup. What he was upset about was her ending up in another guys bed and then treating him like he didn't matter to her - so soon after such intense expressions of emotion. He is the kind of guy who would never act so cruelly to someone.
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