A girl's first love/relationship psychology

[spiritofjosh]

I'm just curious as to what people think because I have never been through something like this before. Me and my ex girlfriend broke up 2 months ago and she's 22 but I was her first boyfriend and first person she's fallen in love with. Prior to me she's had guys she showed interest in but she focused more on her friends and music than relationships. Plus when we started talking she claimed that nobody would ever want her anyway.

 

When we met, I was very attracted to her and later I found out she felt the same towards me which she said is unlike her because of her lack of interest in relationships prior. We didn't start talking until a year later and we got very close very quickly and fell in love quickly. Without getting into a long story, we were more compatible and "perfect" for lack of better term, than any other relationship I've been in, and I've been in a lot.

 

She ended up breaking up with me because to be honest she can be very insecure and showed much more intense feelings towards me than I did to her. She always worried if she didn't act like the perfect girlfriend to me I'd leave her and we'd often bicker about it because obviously this wasn't true. Eventually she ended it for what I can say out of fear. Fear that we would never stop the little arguments we had that she hated and that we'd end up being "toxic" for each other. And that she felt she wasn't ready for a relationship when she thought she was but claims she "will always love me and never be able to love anybody else the same way, if at all." I fought to keep her at first for the first couple days and it was obvious she was reluctant because she was reconsidering but ultimately decided to stay apart. One last reason she had was "falling in love made her relationships with her close friends and her music be put aside and that was what made her who she is." I understood and I gave her the respect and left her alone.

 

Being we didn't break up on bad terms I felt it would be stupid to act like we need to be strangers or even worse, enemies. So I texted her two weeks ago to see how she was and she acted highly bitter and resentful that I texted her. She asked why I even care how she is and asked how I'm not over her yet. I had to tell her to relax and I was simply asking how she was, to which she said she heard I was with someone new anyway and how this new girl feels about me talking to my ex. I said whoever told her that is telling her lies because I'm not with anyone (I have pictures of me and a female friend on instagram that either she lurked and saw or a friend told her). After I said I was with someone she calmed down and said she was sorry for being mean and I just said I miss talking with her sometimes and that was it.

 

Last Saturday I was drinking and felt the urge to say hi again, to maybe be a little more civil and to tell her I moved into a new place because she was always encouraging me to do so while we dated. She answered right away but was short with me and said "congrats." I don't follow her or anything on social media, but all my friends do and she still follows all of them. A friend said that she posted on her twitter "why do you need to tell me about your life? You're doing well, congrats. I don't care." Obviously more resentment towards me but she posted this almost two days after I texted her, as if she had been thinking of it for over a day. I really just don't get why she is acting so bitter towards me when I didn't do anything to hurt her.

 

This was long and I give credit to anyone who read it, but I'm wondering for curiosity's sake and the fact I do still miss her, how do girls usually handle their first love? Is her being bitter a defense mechanism or is she just plain over it? As I mentioned, my friends still follow her and I brought this all up to a couple of them and they all said that she doesn't seem to be with any new guy and only posts about being around the same old friends she's had since I met her. It's also funny that most exes I've had, that if I tried to text them they'd just ignore me or whatever but my current ex was pretty prompt each time despite the bitter attitude.

 

Truth is I do miss her and I would like to try and work things out somehow because our relationship wasn't really that broken but I have no idea where she stands.

Edited June 10, 2015 by spiritofjosh

[ZiggyZoo]

I think she just wants to move on and is irritated that you persist in contacting her. I don't think that everything was as rosy and perfect for her as it was for you, I see you projecting your perception of the relationship onto her. She told you that she wasn't ready for a relationship and felt that it was actually keeping her from the things that mattered the most, her music and her friends. That seems pretty straightforward to me, and by still texting her and keeping tabs on her, you're being pretty disrespectful of her wishes.

 

It's hard to get dumped when you didn't think things were *that* bad, but you have to come o terms with it somehow. Just let her be, let her do her own thing. She has told you EXACTLY where she stands, you need to start listening.

[spiritofjosh]

Thanks for the reply but "persistently texting her and keeping tabs on her" is a slight overstatement. I texted her twice in two months and don't look at anything she does, my friends just feel the need to tell me when I don't ask.

 

I do agree it's easy to project my opinion on the relationship but what I didn't really feel the need to go into was her pretty much infatuation with me, and that isn't in any way trying to sound cocky. Almost daily she would text me "I love you" before she'd say anything else and just constantly say how much she needs me and wishes she could be with me. We live an hour apart and I work very early during the week so we'd basically see each other one weekends only but she'd always try and stay over during the week because she "couldn't wait another couple days" to see me. Even her mom would embarrass her and tell me she's never seen her this happy before. She cried one night telling me she feels we were "meant to be" because of all that happened for us to meet and start dating and that she couldn't see herself ever being happy with anybody other than me and would spend the rest of her life with me if it were up to her. This literally was a common conversation she'd have with me right up until the weekend we broke up. Before this she has never expressed anything that she was unhappy about besides having little arguments which to me are normal and common, but to her they are something she has never experienced. The breakup wasn't just a "it's over" it was a lengthy conversation about how she can't stand all the little arguments and didn't know what to do because she didn't want to lose me but was scared things weren't going to get better. This is all literally what took place with no exaggeration to try and make my point seem more logical or whatever. But in the end, yes you are right I feel she is trying to move on, just don't get why she needs to act like I did something wrong.

 

As far as keeping tabs, I avoid this. Like I said I don't use social media all too often and when I do, I don't follow her on any of it. My friends and her all still follow each other which I think is strange being as she only knows them through me but they decide to randomly say if "you're upset over so and so I still don't think she's with anybody if that makes you feel any better" despite that I didn't ask.

Edited June 10, 2015 by spiritofjosh