Maverick27 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hello beautiful friends! I've got a question, particularly for those who have been left by their ex for someone else. It's been 3+ months since she left me for someone else and im doing ALOT better than i was in the beginning. The physical symptoms of a breakup have completely gone. However everyday, for periods of time, i find myself obsessivly thinking about our past relationship and her new relationship with this new guy. In my mind, this new guy and her have the most amazing relationship of all time. In my mind she constantly compares all of the negative aspects of our relationship to her new shiny one. In my mind, i am a loser and this guy is a king (in her eyes). Is this normal after being rejected and left for someone else? I dont really know why i should care, but i do. Sometimes you just want to know that there is something they miss about you. If i can get past this - i will be completely over this relationship and ready to meet someone new. If anyone could shed any light on my words, or maybe offer a similar story, would appreciate! Thanks friends, 2
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Normal is such a loaded word. Grief & healing are personal journeys. As long as you are still functioning day to day I think you are fine. That said focusing on your EX's new relationship is not the healthiest thing. Like any relationship, it has ups & downs. It's no better or worse then your relationship with your EX was. You can't fixate on it & make it into this perfect thing. You will drive yourself crazy. 1
Allirian Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hello beautiful friends! I've got a question, particularly for those who have been left by their ex for someone else. It's been 3+ months since she left me for someone else and im doing ALOT better than i was in the beginning. The physical symptoms of a breakup have completely gone. However everyday, for periods of time, i find myself obsessivly thinking about our past relationship and her new relationship with this new guy. In my mind, this new guy and her have the most amazing relationship of all time. In my mind she constantly compares all of the negative aspects of our relationship to her new shiny one. In my mind, i am a loser and this guy is a king (in her eyes). Is this normal after being rejected and left for someone else? I dont really know why i should care, but i do. Sometimes you just want to know that there is something they miss about you. If i can get past this - i will be completely over this relationship and ready to meet someone new. If anyone could shed any light on my words, or maybe offer a similar story, would appreciate! Thanks friends, Hi Maverick, I know exactly how you feel, I'm a month and a half post breakup. My ex also left me for someone else after a 5 year relationship, typical GIGS. The best advice I can give is to cut all ties to her. Delete her number from your phone, remove her from Facebook, block her anywhere and everywhere she used to be part of your life. She basically has to be dead to you. You will still think about her all the time and you will get urges where you will want to sneak a peak or just have a quick conversation with her, but nothing good will come of it I guarantee you that, I learned the hard way. The longer you maintain No Contact the better it will get, just stay strong and dig deep, I know it sounds like an impossible battle at the moment, but whenever you are feeling down or feel like you are going to do something stupid just hop on here and post something, the guys on LoveShack has helped me more than any of my family or friends. It will get better, you will find love again and you will look back at this time in your life and smile because you will know it was necessary.
philsach890 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hello beautiful friends! I've got a question, particularly for those who have been left by their ex for someone else. It's been 3+ months since she left me for someone else and im doing ALOT better than i was in the beginning. The physical symptoms of a breakup have completely gone. However everyday, for periods of time, i find myself obsessivly thinking about our past relationship and her new relationship with this new guy. In my mind, this new guy and her have the most amazing relationship of all time. In my mind she constantly compares all of the negative aspects of our relationship to her new shiny one. In my mind, i am a loser and this guy is a king (in her eyes). Is this normal after being rejected and left for someone else? I dont really know why i should care, but i do. Sometimes you just want to know that there is something they miss about you. If i can get past this - i will be completely over this relationship and ready to meet someone new. If anyone could shed any light on my words, or maybe offer a similar story, would appreciate! Thanks friends, Hey Maverick im only at 7 weeks NC post BU but i have been going through the exact same thing pretty much everyday and its completely normal. Its just our brains way of trying to cope with the rejection. Im sure you really cared about this girl and her leaving would have pushed your insecurities through the roof. It normal to think about the past, if the relationship meant something to you then thats why you would replay things in your mind as you miss the past. I have struggled with exactly what you have described above and some days i get into thought cycles that MESS ME UP. After a while i realised that its just so unhealthy and exhausting doing that. Don't get me wrong i still get days where it happens really bad but iv slowly found ways to try and cope. Its all a process which takes time and the only way you can slowly move past this is 1. NC NC NC 2. If something is hurting you then you need to remove yourself from the situation or MAKE A CHANGE to stop whatever it is hurting. Im not saying you can switch it off just like that coz that will take alot of time but learning to cope in ways everyday helps the overall healing process. For example i had a really really bad habit of obsessively thinking and beating myself into a hole by making comparisons and essentially ****ting on myself. To stop that i decided to take the first step and put in every effort to stop the hurt by making a change even if its a little dent at a time. So here are he rules i set for myself: As soon as a bad thought comes, let the sting do its thing but DONT GO ANY FURTHER because as soon as you start actively thinking you start cycling the thought and your screwed.DO NOT CREATE SCENARIOS. These include ones based on fear(comparisons), the negative things surrounding the relationship/breakup and conversations you have in your head with them (you are not going to find the answers you are looking for) Bottom line is the sooner you learn how to do the above, the easier it gets. Im still in pain everyday as reality sinks in that its over, but ive saved myself so much pain by actively training and stopping myself from obsessively thinking or taking my mind to place that just dont matter anymore. I hope this helps! Just remember your mind is your biggest enemy holding you back. Stay strong and think positive! One thing ive learned is that if you start valueing yourself and putting yourself up the top and believing yourself then you will make less comparisons and set yourself up to become a better person 1
Author Maverick27 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Thanks Allirian for your words - I'm sorry your going through this aswell. I honestly would not wish this upon my worst enemy. Trust me, i am FULL no contact now. I made things soooo much worse for myself by meeting up with her, pretending i was fine to be friends, to the point where she felt comfortable talking about her new relationship with me. Stung so bad. Also, i tried getting her back for 2 months after she'd left...So not only did she leave me for this guy, i made myself look like such a sissy. URGH! I feel like such a loser for sitting her, miserable, thinking about her new relationship...when she is off living her life in this relationship. so pathetic. I know it'll get better - if you've read any of my previous posts you'll see how bad i was....im SOOOO much better than i was. Still just stuck on these thoughts.
Author Maverick27 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 philsach890 - Thanks for your big reply! I can see that you can completely empathise with my situation. Im sorry that your also going through this, but you sound like your getting a pretty good handle on it now! The creating scenarios is the worst part....When these thoughts come into your head you just start activity trying to think it through - its torture. Im trying to stop. Trying so hard - Because i know it's a losing battle. My thoughts tied together my feelings of rejection is obviously going to create a negative image in my head, leading to more bad feelings. She just made me feel like such a terrible boyfriend throughout the breakup (maybe to justify her cheating and leaving me for other guy) that i was left feeling that she will forever look at our relationship negatively and compare it to her shiny new one. SEE! im doing it again! STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP Thanks! 2
Allirian Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Thanks Allirian for your words - I'm sorry your going through this aswell. I honestly would not wish this upon my worst enemy. Trust me, i am FULL no contact now. I made things soooo much worse for myself by meeting up with her, pretending i was fine to be friends, to the point where she felt comfortable talking about her new relationship with me. Stung so bad. Also, i tried getting her back for 2 months after she'd left...So not only did she leave me for this guy, i made myself look like such a sissy. URGH! I feel like such a loser for sitting her, miserable, thinking about her new relationship...when she is off living her life in this relationship. so pathetic. I know it'll get better - if you've read any of my previous posts you'll see how bad i was....im SOOOO much better than i was. Still just stuck on these thoughts. These girls are not worth it man, I know I was a good boyfriend to my ex, I treated her like a princess she always had everything she needed even if it meant I didn't, maybe that was my mistake. But the point is that you have to see this as a blessing in disguise, somewhere out there is a girl that will love you unconditionally and will do anything and everything to keep you in her life because nothing in the world would be worse than to lose you, My ex said all these things but as it turns out never meant any of it, the trick is to find one that means every word of it, as the old saying goes "Actions speak louder than words" Keep up your NC you will meet your dream girl and you will be happier than you have ever been.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I'm glad you're doing so well! And yes, the obsessive thoughts will end, but they're a bitch in the meantime. The best way I found to deal with them is to very consciously say "STOP" when they start creeping in. It almost becomes habit after a while, to let them loop around and around, but by actively becoming aware of them and stopping them, they happen less often. Basically what philsach890 said, actually. Hang in there, as always. Think of how much better off you'll be in three more months! 2
smellysocksuni Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hi, I am in exactly the same position as you; I am 6 months post-break up and 2 post months full No Contact. She left me and immediately began a new relationship with someone she met through a dating app. Begged, pleaded for a while and eventually left it alone and changed all my contact details (email, mobile number). All the physical symptoms are gone; I don't cry, I am functioning pretty normally. From time to time I do think about our old relationship, her new one, whether she misses me etc. I do think this is normal, and you are making good progress. Keep on as you are, just don't buckle in and contact her because that would be the worst thing to do. It will set you back, trust me. Keep going, we have faith in you 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 This was the best post I could have read today! Thank you for making me realise this is normal!! x
DexterLS Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I am in the same boat too. My girlfriend of 6 years cheated and dumped me for someone else. I was obsessed about their relationship. I actually got hold of some of their photos and texts they shared which made it worst, but I am trying harder day by day to forget about them. It's been two weeks since we last had contact and I am feeling better day by day. Take it one day at a time and accept that this is a process that will take some time. All the best buddy!
NopeNah Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Just your ego. Been there myself a few time's. I learned after my last breakup,when those thoughts creep up,to try and do something positive for me. Whether it's work related,planning a new project car build,anything that I want. Their new relationships are not without fault's..trust me. They might think they are at first while each party only show's their best qualities,but then reality and life happen. The "act",as i like to call it, changes. Time for the new show! The "honeymoon" ends.. The old habit's,traits,faults,ect..that drove you crazy will appear,because that's who they/we are. You just accepted them for them. That's my take at least.
NopeNah Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I actually got hold of some of their photos and texts they shared which made it worst, but I am trying harder day by day to forget about them. ! Ouch!! This is why you don't go looking for things that "bite"!
kasop Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hey maverick Just like you and alot of other fellow loveshackers.. im in the same boat. Being left for someone else is a very low blow. Bringing yourself back up is going to take alot of time but it will be worth it. You will be a better person then you were before and during your last relationship. Goodluck 1
RogerWallace111 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) The obsessive thoughts are the worst. Going over the relationship in your mind or re-examining the downfall can be difficult to avoid, especially if it felt premature. But as far as her new situation goes, I would recommend making a conscious effort to remind yourself that that doesn't actually reflect on you. Maybe on your compatibility with her but not on who you are intrinsically. Missing her and wishing you could still be the one enjoying her is one thing, but the outcome of her following relationship(s) says nothing about your value as a person. Plus she chose to date you. Reading into what you've said, I think the "power" shift (for lack of a better term) toward the end just left you feeling weak and created this dynamic in your mind. Who you are doesn't change when the way she treats you does. Plus females have the ball in their court in these situations (unless you're one of those guys with effortless magnetism). It's not much of a statement for a girl to "drop" a guy, because typically they're rarely choosing more than very short term alone-ness. They're choosing the next guy that's there or inevitably will be soon, courting her. I can barely think of one female friend of mine who's been truly single for more than maybe 6 months in the past ten years. It's just the way sh*t goes; they are chased. Thus the stakes are low. If she had dumped you just to be by herself that would be more of a blow. Instead she just lost interest to the point that she was willing to swap out the guy in her life, and that's not saying much. Selling your house just to buy a new one in the happening part of town doesn't have the same gravity as a decision to sell your house and become homeless. The latter would really mean your house must've been f*cked. Bottom line is most people aren't hopeless romantics, and are pretty easy-come, easy-go. Us over-thinker types are the ones on here needing to vent. Most are just out there continuing to "date". Edited June 11, 2015 by RogerWallace111 2
Author Maverick27 Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 RogerWallace111 - Thanks for what you wrote, that made me feel alot better about things. I know we werent compatable in th end, i wasnt right for her and she wasnt right for me - i think i knew this the whole time. It's just the rejection that makes a person feel like they need to get back the one that rejected them, for ego's sake. I made quite a massive mistake today and checked her Instagram. I was in a good mood and thought that i wouldnt be phased - i was wrong. First picture was of her kissing her new man. It stung a little, but at the same time it's not like i didnt think they'd kissed! haha. It annoys me that she's happy and I'm not - but i know i will be in time....hopefully. Can anyone recommend any songs for being left in the dark by a girl? In a bit of a self-loathing mood. Im sure theres many.... Thanks!
RogerWallace111 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Yeah the ego part makes sense. Normal way to feel... Dont look at photos man that never helps ! how about Jeff Buckley - Forget Her
Recommended Posts