SFP_NooDLe Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Where do I start? This is the toughest thing I've ever had to go through. So my girlfriend and I got engaged last year on June 22nd. But she went on holiday in April this year for three weeks and although we were in constant communication with with one another and missed each other a lot, her mind started to wander. Basically every little doubt she had about me erupted once she returned. Upon her return she said she wanted to call off the wedding because we're not right for each other, because our thinking is different. This has always been true since day one but it never got in the way of us loving one another. Whilst the details are more complex than that I will narrow it down to the key thinking behind her decision - I'm 28 now but I have not been able to hold down a regular job. I accept that, but here in England there isn't much going and that's despite me holding a Journalism and Media degree. She was concerned that she'd be the one providing for us in the relationship when I have never ever made her feel that way in our time together. Her second complaint was more legitimate in that I've been taking driving lessons on and off since 2009 but still haven't passed. She said that despite multiple talks with me about how embarrassing it is for me that her fiancé and her mother are always driving me around everywhere and I don't have a car. I agree with this, I got lazy and should have passed sooner. When I went to ask for her hand in marriage last year I took my family there in a taxi and then my younger cousin dropped us all off home in multiple visits. That looked really bad which I see now, but I shrugged it off to her when she mentioned it. It should have been my wake-up call but I didn't pay attention. Forget getting a car for my fiancé, I should have got one for my parents to take them places because my mum is disabled and my dad is retired and now 55. Finally, her last complaint was against my anger. Now I will stress that I have NEVER sworn at my ex or raised my hand on her and I never would, but I do have a temper and rather than struggle to control it I just choose not to control it. I have made her cry on occasions by shouting at her. I have a bad habit of not listening properly to what she has to say sometimes and jumping to conclusions. I can be very opinionated and this has often clouded my judgement, especially when it came to giving her advice on important issues. I would sometimes make the mistake of telling her what I think is right in my situation rather than hers. So yeah, whilst the whole situation is more complex than that this is the main part. She said she gave up on me after standing by me all these years and seeing such slow progress. I completely agree with that and have already begun making big changes, but it seems like her mind is made up. I did no contact for around 28 days. it was her birthday in mid May so I did send her a birthday card that made her cry but she thanked me for. When she met up to break up with me at the end of April she couldn't stop crying. I was holding her hand and she had to force it away. I've never seen her cry like that. I know there is still something there. I know, or rather want to believe that she will take me back if I can rectify my negligent behaviour and attitude but it's proving hard to re-connect with her. I wrote her a massive 16 page hand-written letter on Friday last week explaining and apologising for my failures, that I'm on my way to becoming a respectable man, one that she can be proud of and be happy with her. She text me saying that it was nice to hear me admit my faults and ended the text with "I wish you the best of luck with the future." I'm scared to death that that means no matter how good I get it her mind is made up. We were each other's firsts in everything, first love, first kiss - everything. It was always a source of pride for us. We were the hapiest people alive on our engagement ceremony. The wedding hall was booked - all these things tell me that I knew I was doing something right or we wouldn't have lasted nearly 8 years and committed to those things. But it's proving really hard re-connecting with her. I gave her a month of time and space before sending her that letter. No contact at all. I've sent her a couple of light hearted text messages over the past few days but haven't received a response. Idon't know what to do but I really can't lose her. I know I messed up and have taken massive steps towards fixing that. I've passed my driving theory and have booked a test in for July, I have a job interview coming up for a bank which I hope to ace and I have been working hard on my anger issues. I haven't stood still. She said she gave up on me but I can't give up on her. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Toodaloo Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 To be honest OP I am amazed that she stuck it out as long as she did. There is only one way you are going to get her back. Thats get up off your arse. Get a job. ANY job. Work hard at it and improve yourself. I am technically a riding instructor, I do accounts. Its called diversification and earning a living. No one owes you a living you have to go out and find it and work for it. Even if that means starting at the bottom and working your way up. Get your damned driving licence. If you can drive you will have far greater work opportunities than now. Surely you must see how selfish and lazy you look? She has had 8 years of this and after 5 minutes of breaking up you claim to be a new man? Nah - I am not buying it, she is not buying it. Get up, get going and improve yourself. Do not go chasing after her but concentrate on those issues. Get them sorted out. The anger will probably go away when you have some purpose to your life and feel more in control. The only way to do that is to get off your backside and take control. Stop making excuses and crappy decisions. In a few months time when she see's that you are pulling your s*** together and are being consistent she will come back of her own accord. If she doesn't then at least you are well placed to lead a better life and move on anyway. 3
Author SFP_NooDLe Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 To be honest OP I am amazed that she stuck it out as long as she did. There is only one way you are going to get her back. Thats get up off your arse. Get a job. ANY job. Work hard at it and improve yourself. I am technically a riding instructor, I do accounts. Its called diversification and earning a living. No one owes you a living you have to go out and find it and work for it. Even if that means starting at the bottom and working your way up. Get your damned driving licence. If you can drive you will have far greater work opportunities than now. Surely you must see how selfish and lazy you look? She has had 8 years of this and after 5 minutes of breaking up you claim to be a new man? Nah - I am not buying it, she is not buying it. Get up, get going and improve yourself. Do not go chasing after her but concentrate on those issues. Get them sorted out. The anger will probably go away when you have some purpose to your life and feel more in control. The only way to do that is to get off your backside and take control. Stop making excuses and crappy decisions. In a few months time when she see's that you are pulling your s*** together and are being consistent she will come back of her own accord. If she doesn't then at least you are well placed to lead a better life and move on anyway. I am doing something about it. I am addressing her biggest concerns head on. I can pretty much drive I just need to make it official and the first chance to do that is in July. I have a job interview lined up but have also applied to others. My anger issues well, she'll have to take a leap of faith for me to show her I can control those. I agree, I have made some crappy decisions and my attitude has been too lazy and casual. I let her down and I was too stupid to see the signs until it was too late. But I've taken the steps to start being a better man and whilst it won't happen overnight I'm on my way. I know it won't be easy for her to move on because 8 years is no joke, but I still have that fear in the back of my mind. The faster I work that faster I can show her how I've improved and changed rather than just telling and promising her.
Toodaloo Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I am doing something about it. I am addressing her biggest concerns head on. I can pretty much drive I just need to make it official and the first chance to do that is in July. I have a job interview lined up but have also applied to others. My anger issues well, she'll have to take a leap of faith for me to show her I can control those. I agree, I have made some crappy decisions and my attitude has been too lazy and casual. I let her down and I was too stupid to see the signs until it was too late. But I've taken the steps to start being a better man and whilst it won't happen overnight I'm on my way. I know it won't be easy for her to move on because 8 years is no joke, but I still have that fear in the back of my mind. The faster I work that faster I can show her how I've improved and changed rather than just telling and promising her. Its just going to take time. You are going to face some knocks along the way but keep going and keep yourself busy. 1
Author SFP_NooDLe Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Its just going to take time. You are going to face some knocks along the way but keep going and keep yourself busy. I know, I'm just scared to death it won't be enough, that it'll be too little too late. She deserves the best and I am trying my hardest to be that man right now. But she never gave me an ultimatum, she just made a decision. I wish she had spoken to me first, explained her concerns and reached out to me. I would do anything to have a happy and life-long future with her. Things are more complex than that as I mentioned. We're deleted and blocked on each other's Facebook walls and there is practically no attempt to communicate with me on her part. I'm not moping around as much as I was at start of the break-up but it's just so hard. It would have been our one year engagement anniversary on the 22nd (and our 8 year anniversary on the 29th) and I was thinking of sending her something small. Nothing expensive or fancy, maybe just a short card. Now I've done my research and usually people say this is a bad idea but considering the nature of our break-up I'm stuck in two minds. I just want her to know that I haven't given up on us. I need to win her trust back and keep it this time. I know I was a lazy **** in some aspects of our relationship but I was also a hopeless romantic in others. I can't give up on her.
DexterLS Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I am sorry this is happening to you. It's tough to see your loved one go after 8 years. I can assure you that whatever you'll do or say in the next few weeks will not matter to her. She has made her decision. Your best chance at reconciliation is for you to get your life together, stick with No Contact and work on yourself. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Good for you for taking steps to improve your life. You need to do those things no matter what but I don't think they will bring her back. You two have been together since you were 20. You were each other's 1sts for everything you said. That means she has never experienced life & neither have you. That alone probably made her freak out about spending the rest of her life with you. Very few people marry their 1st love. Alas I don't think you two will be that rare couple who does.
Author SFP_NooDLe Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Good for you for taking steps to improve your life. You need to do those things no matter what but I don't think they will bring her back. You two have been together since you were 20. You were each other's 1sts for everything you said. That means she has never experienced life & neither have you. That alone probably made her freak out about spending the rest of her life with you. Very few people marry their 1st love. Alas I don't think you two will be that rare couple who does. That never came up in her reasoning. Both of our families have seen life-long love with one another. That stems more from a tradition of arranged-marriages but it's worked. My ex and I found one another. We had an instant connection. I met her emotional needs, she didn't have to look elsewhere for those. It was more looking after her financially and improving myself as a man. I slacked off on that. I got comfortable and stopped surprising her and making as much of an effort as I used to. I realise that I have one of the biggest challenges of my life facing me right now, but I'd regret it forever if I gave up without proving her wrong. I have to fight for her. Too many people these days suggest just moving on blah blah blah. But that's such a boring option to take. She is the love of my life, that's what I believe. If after all I do to improve myself she insists we will never be, then that is the day I let her go.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Man, she is done done done. She's avoided all contact with you since the breakup? That should tell you above all else that she's not interested in a relationship. I don't need to go over everything you've written about how you goofed up, but she put up with a lot for a long time. By the time she finally decided to end it, trust me, her mind was made up. I doubt she made the decision lightly, and she's not going to change her mind either. In a way, it's a little insulting, when someone FINALLY gets off their butt and makes the changes they know their partner has had issues with only after things have ended. If she meant that much to you, why didn't you put this much effort into things when you were together? Didn't she deserve to be happy then too? I had an ex do the exact same thing, and it was too little, too late. Don't send that card. Or do, it won't make a difference. The best thing you can do for her now though, is listen for once to what she's asking you to do. And now she wants you to leave her alone. If you really love her, you'll respect her wishes. By texting and sending these 16 page letters, you're making it all about you again. Look at her response to it, too. She's done. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Use this as a wake up call that it's time to get your shyte straight!!! Because you can bet this will happen again. Women want a strong, secure man who can not only take care of himself, but provide for his family. Not someone as you have described yourself currently. Forget about dating her or anybody until you have turned your a$$ around. Good news is that your still young enough to spend some time on this (a year or two at least) and have plenty of time left over to start a healthy relationship. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 By the time she finally decided to end it, trust me, her mind was made up. I doubt she made the decision lightly, and she's not going to change her mind either. 100% correct. This is one area where men and women are quite different. Women only pull the trigger when they are absolutely sure. Rest assured, she's already run this up the flag pole with her friends and family. And, shes already accepted and grieved the loss of you... Fighting for the RS is something you do while your still in one. Not once its over. Its too late. That Hollywood crap is BS and will only make you look and feel stupid and push her further away. Man up, get right with and for yourself!! 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Basically, stop being a douche. Sounds like you live with your parents. If so, move out ASAP. Get any job you can. You don't control your anger because you don't want to. You get a high from it & enjoy the reaction you get from others. You probably feel a sense of power from your anger. Yes verbal abuse is still abuse.
mossycup Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) I don't know you, and, I think that this might be true for anyone. As long as you are linking your own growth as a man with her love for you, you won't be truly independent and manly. Your devotion is incredibly admirable; that part of your self is well developed and noble. The other part of yourself, where you stand alone and work hard, that is the area you've noted you need to work on. You recognize that she deserves a man, not a boy: someone who can take care of himself and other people. No one is an island, and yet, there are levels of independence required to be one adult with another, in a committed long term relationship. I think you will be able to find that independence if you turn your attention away from doing it "for her" and into doing it "for yourself and for your friends and family and community". This might be incredibly hard! Because you love her so much. What about, whenever thoughts about her come up, saying to yourself, "The way I am going to love this woman is to let her go, focus on myself, and create of myself the man I know that I truly am. That man has no expectations of his ex, wishes her well and finds his happiness in himself and his friends. That man will one day meet the woman of his dreams (maybe her, maybe someone else). But I need to focus now on creating that man". It's really hard to do this when you love someone so much. And if you are able to, you will very likely look back and feel a thousand times better about yourself, at peace with her, and from that place she may be attracted to you again. And it's only going to be when you are completely out of the mindset of attachment you are in now, and are in a new and wonderful place of manly confidence and inner peace. I wish you very, very well on this incredible and powerful journey you are about to set out on! Edited June 10, 2015 by mossycup 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I'm going out a limb here, but maybe it wasn't really "love" at all... I used to think exactly the same as you about my feelings towards my ex. But after much thought and work on myself, I realized I didn't "love" her nearly as much as I once thought. It was, rather, unhealthy fixations, addictions, manipulations, clingyness, neediness and a whole slew of other selfish reasons that I projected on to her. And when she broke up with me, all of that turned to blame pointed at her. I now realize it was much more my own issues rather than anything to do with her...
mystikmind2005 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I'm thinking she might have been a poor communicator to allow her feelings to degrade to the point of breaking up? However, i personally have no sympathy or time to waste on people with anger issues, i really cannot stand them, and a guy who takes his anger out on a woman who loves him deserves to be alone (well probably deserves a good fist in the face first). This is the hard but simple fact of the matter.
Author SFP_NooDLe Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 Phew, it’s been a few weeks since I last visited here because for some reason I stopped getting e-mail notifications. But anyway, I've gone through all of the responses so thank you all for responding. I will try to address as much as what has been said as possible and also offer more information about my relationship with this woman. Right, so since my last visit here I have got a permanent full-time job at a bank. Go me! I also have a driving test booked in for October which was the earliest date available. I have also been busting my arse at the gym and have lost over two stones in weight, although I will stress that I have been attending the gym since April so it hasn't been a drastic loss through starvation or anything. I have been working hard on my attitude and controlling my temper. I cannot remember the last time I got angry at something or lost my cool. In response to what Clarence_Bodicker posted - no, I do not get a high from my anger. You are making it out like I'm some uncontrollable monster or something! I did have a tendency to lose my temper quickly though but I have learnt to control it and am continuing to learn. Progress Basically - I look and feel ****ing awesome about my life right now. Now to address some of the points some of you have made. Yes, I still live with my parents. This is not laziness on my part. I am a Muslim, and traditionally in Muslim families we do not leave our home until we either have to work far away from it or get married. Ever since I turned 18 and started working part-time, I have always paid my share of the rent and bills so I have never free-loaded off my parents. Yes, I agree I should have got a car sooner and I am working on it as mentioned because it opens up to more possibilities and generally makes life easier. But I neglected to mention that I live in the heart of the city. Everything me or my family ever needs is in walking distance so it has never been an essential. Also, with me saving up for a wedding it was on the back-burner for now. There were more important things in my life to worry about. So apart from having a car I fixed every issue in my life in just over a month. I am very, very happy with my progress and will continue to improve myself and my life. But I am no longer doing it for my ex and I no longer wish to pursue her. When I originally posted here I was hung up on her, put her on a pedestal and accepted all the blame. Basically I made every mistake in the book when someone breaks up with you. I made it all about her. I mentioned that the whole situation is more complex than I described so here is the full story. Whilst I agree that some of the reasons my ex mentioned for breaking up were legitimate she also gave a lot of other "reasons." These reasons never, ever mattered before. All of a sudden she wanted to pray and be religious. She also said she wanted a partner that prayed and encouraged her to pray as well. She said it was unfair of her to force me to change just because she did so we wouldn’t work. Secondly, status mattered now. Her family is fairly middle-class and her dad and uncles own and run a care home business in the UK. They’re quite proud of themselves and generally like to enjoy life and splashing their cash on holidays, cars and fancy restaurants. Now all of a sudden I wasn’t on her or her family’s level. Again, none of this ever mattered before. She was never materialistic about these things in the past. Regarding finances and her mentioning she’d feel like she was looking after me when we were married – I have never, ever made her pay for something I wanted or needed. I have never borrowed money off her so I do not know where that came from. For the first few years we dated it was me paying for her expenses, me lending her money because she couldn’t look after it, and me paying her phone bills because she couldn’t stop using it whilst abroad. After we completed our studies we were both working part-time because that’s all we could find at the time. She has a great Law degree but in nearly 4 years since graduating hasn’t found a single Law job. So she took a hand-out from her uncles and started to work for them. She works around 25-30 hours a week but earns the same handsome salary each week. It’s an easy living. Her dad also fills up her tank for her car each week using the company credit card so that’s that expense taken care of as well. Basically since we got engaged in 2014 and she started working closer with her family she started to change. She became more like them and seemed to get used to a pampered lifestyle. I haven’t been on holiday since 2010 because I’ve wanted to plan a future with her and save up. In the last year alone she has been on holiday four times, most which have been funded by her family. Since day one I have made a huge effort with her family. Her mum, brother, cousins – everyone. I have gone out with them, got to know them, treated them, and welcomed them into my life. She on the other had never did the same. She has never visited my parents or made the effort to get to know them on a personal level. She never tried to connect with them like I did with her family. She never tried to get along with my siblings. The only people she made an effort with was one of my cousins and his wife, but even then it felt like I was forcing her. I also have to stress this isn’t the first time she’s left me. We’ve had tiffs in the past and minor break ups which lasted a few days or weeks but nothing serious for us to break contact. But in 2011, where nothing between us was wrong or in jeopardy a guy in her class started flirting with her. She told me about this but claimed it was harmless and she wasn’t flirting back and just ignored him. I believed her and trusted her. I didn’t even ask to look at her phone. Around a month later she rang me one evening to tell me she was breaking up with me because she was asked out by this guy and wanted to see where things went. Suffice to say I broke down and cried like never before. She immediately text me telling me that she’s made a mistake and now that she sees how much she means to me she’d stay with me. I was hesitant at first after what she’d done but after a few days took her back. That should have been my warning sign but I loved her so much I forgave her. Less than 3 months later the guy she was willing to leave me for married his fiancé. She told me I saved her from making the biggest mistake of her life and that she’d never make that mistake again. In the summer of 2013 she went to Mauritius for a holiday. She came back three weeks later and just like this time, claimed she wanted different things and we should break up. After some prying she eventually admitted she met someone there and nearly cheated on me with him. This should have been the last straw but like a moron I took all responsibility for her actions and tried to get her back. After nearly two months of chasing we finally got back together when she invited me round her grans place which was empty and we talked for a while before having sex. She told me she was sorry, that she still loved me and that she didn’t deserve someone as kind and forgiving as me. I again believed her. Eight months later we got engaged in an official ceremony and all our families were invited. Fast forward to April 2015 and in what seems like déjà vu she went to Mauritius again for three weeks and came back changed. This time claiming all I already mentioned but also saying she wants to move and live there. Without me. I have never been unfaithful to her. My eyes have never wandered. She had my heart, my loyalty and I was 100% committed to her. Yes I made mistakes which I already highlighted, but it was nothing I couldn’t fix. She on the other hand broke things that can never be fixed. After all she’s put me through and her lack of effort, her drastic change in personality, is she really the victim here? Or am I? After some deep reflection over the past few weeks I’ve come to the conclusion that it was me that was too good for her, not the other way round. I was always there for her emotionally and never left her side. Yes I made her cry and I hate myself for that, but the times I made her smile and laugh far outweigh that. So there you have it. That’s the full story. I am no longer chasing her and have started to move on. Yes it still hurts how she betrayed my trust and gave me a bunch of half-truths as reasons, but I never stopped trying. I will never be perfect, but I tried my best to be. Now I wish her well but I don’t think I can ever have her as a part of my life if she ever decided she wanted to come back. A part of me will always want her, but I can never trust her and that only hit home recently. I just hope whoever she does end up with doesn't get treated the same way she treated me. 1
DexterLS Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Keep up the good work Never thought I would see Mauritius mentioned here on LS, I am from here.
Chi townD Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 But in 2011, where nothing between us was wrong or in jeopardy a guy in her class started flirting with her. She told me about this but claimed it was harmless and she wasn’t flirting back and just ignored him. I believed her and trusted her. I didn’t even ask to look at her phone. Around a month later she rang me one evening to tell me she was breaking up with me because she was asked out by this guy and wanted to see where things went. In the summer of 2013 she went to Mauritius for a holiday. She came back three weeks later and just like this time, claimed she wanted different things and we should break up. After some prying she eventually admitted she met someone there and nearly cheated on me with him. This should have been the last straw but like a moron I took all responsibility for her actions and tried to get her back. After nearly two months of chasing we finally got back together when she invited me round her grans place which was empty and we talked for a while before having sex. She told me she was sorry, that she still loved me and that she didn’t deserve someone as kind and forgiving as me. I again believed her. Eight months later we got engaged in an official ceremony and all our families were invited. Fast forward to April 2015 and in what seems like déjà vu she went to Mauritius again for three weeks and came back changed. This time claiming all I already mentioned but also saying she wants to move and live there. Without me. You know, I was going to blast you about not having your sh*t together but, after reading this post. Dude, she's a serial cheater. She NEARLY cheated on you? Nope! She cheated on you. One thing about cheaters is that they will tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what REALLY happened. Plus, you have NO WAY to verify if she cheated or not. So, you have no other choice but to go with what she said. But, actions speak louder than words. She goes BACK to the place where her affair partner is (how convenient) and when she comes back she wants to break things off with you AGAIN and move there permanently. Dude, she was screwing that guy three ways to Sunday. Enough so that she wanted to drop everything to be with him permanently. DO you honestly think she went back out there and didn't see this guy again?!?! Plus, she wanted to drop you over a guy that asked her out. She was putting more of a value on a single date than your entire relationship. Then, she recently goes on holiday and everything is fine before she goes and as soon as she comes back, she wants to break up. Gee, you want to take a scientific wild ass guess what happened while she was gone? And when she came back, she blameshifted it all on you. That she's leaving and it's entirely YOUR FAULT. Time to let this one go dude. Time to get your revenge. The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life. Now, you've realized that you're a lazy ass, but you've turned it around. GREAT!!! You got a job in a Bank, FANTASIC! You're going to the gym regularly, AWESOME! You are making steps in the right direction. Now, you need to do more. I know what you said about Muslim families, but welcome to the 21st century in Western Society. It's time to move out and stand on your own two feet. Start saving for a flat. Start saving for a starter car. Take advantage of living at home by socking the money away to save for these things. Then, make it happen. Get new hobbies and KEEP BUSY! HAVE FUN!! Save for a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go and then, GO!! See something new, something exciting. Have an adventure!
Diezel Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I am addressing her biggest concerns head on. Here's my problem with this entire thread: You are doing all of these things for HER. And that's her problem with you, it took THIS to get you into gear. These are things you should have been addressing a while back, but you got comfortable. Work on yourself, your personal and work situations and maybe in the future, you'll be a more well rounded man for someone else.
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