loveisallaround Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I thought everything was wrapped in a nice little basket: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60822/ But after thinking to myself, and talking to some wise friends I decided that I still need some closure on the issue. Thus, today, I called him/talked to him on the internet and asked if we could get together so I can pick up the pieces, completly understand and move on. All in all, he still seems to genuinely care but I felt ten times worse after the conversations. I just had the biggest cry since our breakup and I'm still on the verge of tears every few minutes. This is some of our conversation: I said: i'm not cool but i'm not angry I said: plus you're at work, and that would not be respectful of me He said: it's no big deal, really. what are you not cool about - i really want to know I said: I just want to be able to put the pieces together so-to-speak; I really want to talk with you, but doing so on the internet would make me super resentful. He said: cool He said: i'm still not sure i understand why you find it all so puzzling - but that works - if Amanda calls back and doesn't need me tonight then i'll give you a shout - if not then call me on monday He said: i'm really sorry - for what it's worth - that you're going through whatever it is you're going through. I'm not intending it at all He said: but regret is always a product - never a base. He said: i'll talk to a soon He said: later He didn't call, so I assume it's a Monday date - but I don't know if I can even wait to Monday. I've been so confused and hurt that I don't want to go through another second of it. I just want to pick up the pieces and move on. I want to know why he didn't atleast sit me down and talk about his feelings before he actually cut the cord so promptly. I feel theres more than meets the eye to our breakup (in the previously linked thread) and I just want some simple closure. What am I to do in the mean time? Oh my Lord! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Why do you feel you need closure? That's what enquiring minds want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveisallaround Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Why do you feel you need closure? That's what enquiring minds want to know. I want to know why he ended the relationship so swiftly. Why he didn't sit me down earlier and talk about it. Why he ended it rather than spending less time together. I feel like our time together meant nothing and that I meant nothing to him. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I wouldn't do this if I were you. It shows how fragile you are and gives him the impression that you can't take a setback. Worse of all, it shows you don't know how to grow from it. You're better off playing the cards he dealt you... don't call or send text messages and what have you. It gives him the upper hand. Show him you don't care by dating other guys, going to the gym, and looking hot. Breaking up can be such a cruel experience, and people do it in all sorts of ways (I know what you're going through). Unfortunately, it's perfectly legal to go cold turkey and say "c'ya." Sad but true. Love can smell like a rose but prick like a thorn... such a lovely paradox. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveisallaround Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Thanks for the advice - I think you're right. Most are asking me how this is even going to help. I was doing so well when I was in NC mode. I think, atleast for a few weeks, it's back to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Why do you feel you need closure? That's what enquiring minds want to know. Probably the same reason I do. When you truly understand what went wrong then you can accept it and move on. My ex continued to say "It doesn't feel right" but I could tell there was more to it than that. She just won't come clean. Maybe she can't, but it's not allowing me closure. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by loveisallaround I think, atleast for a few weeks, it's back to NC. Good for you! I think you're doing the right thing. If anything, you'll give yourself more time to heal... perhaps, by then, you won't even care why he broke up with you (that's the mark you want to shoot for). Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen_Angel Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I can't help but agree. I thought I was feeling so much better after I talked to my ex on Sunday, but that lasted all of, um, 18 hours or so. Monday night was rough, and so was Tuesday. I love roller coasters, but not the emotional kind. I don't believe there's such a thing as closure. Seems more of a myth to me. If you have the answers, and you still want your ex, then what do you do?! I too felt better during NC than I do now. Sigh. Only thing we can do is climb back up the hill, right? Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Fallen_Angel I don't believe there's such a thing as closure. Seems more of a myth to me. If you have the answers, and you still want your ex, then what do you do?! Heh, I think I've found "closure". I know what *I* did wrong in the relationship, and yet he's still not coming back. And even tho I know what I did wrong, I still dont know how to prevent it in the future. It pretty much stinks no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Heh, I think I've found "closure". I know what *I* did wrong in the relationship, and yet he's still not coming back. And even tho I know what I did wrong, I still dont know how to prevent it in the future. It pretty much stinks no matter what. What was it? Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I gave my ex closure. I told her exactly why I could not continue the relationship . She responded by never talking to me again. She is still mad about it after a year of closure. It was never my intention to never speak again but that was the result of my closure. I will have to deal with that because I genuinely cared for her and I did not mean to cause her such anger. Sometimes closure might be what we think we want but not what we need. Sometimes just saying " I need to move on " might be the best solution. To much information might hurt them more than you intended. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear I gave my ex closure. I told her exactly why I could not continue the relationship . She responded by never talking to me again. She is still mad about it after a year of closure. It was never my intention to never speak again but that was the result of my closure. I will have to deal with that because I genuinely cared for her and I did not mean to cause her such anger. Sometimes closure might be what we think we want but not what we need. Sometimes just saying " I need to move on " might be the best solution. To much information might hurt them more than you intended. What was the reason, if you don't mind me asking? If she can be angry for that long, I think you made the right decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC What was the reason, if you don't mind me asking? If she can be angry for that long, I think you made the right decision. I felt we were not going to make it as a couple because she had commitment problems and wanted things to continue as they were. I wanted to move to a more serious relationship and told her if she could not do that then I was moving on but I wished her the best. She has a serious problem with getting to close with people and wants to maintain a comfortable distance where she won't get hurt. She wouldn't go there and I didn't want things to stay the same. She got so mad I think she would have shot me. It really scared me and it still bothers me to still see the anger in her face ( yes, I see her on occasion ). I think I made the right decision for me. Don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear I felt we were not going to make it as a couple because she had commitment problems and wanted things to continue as they were. I wanted to move to a more serious relationship and told her if she could not do that then I was moving on but I wished her the best. She has a serious problem with getting to close with people and wants to maintain a comfortable distance where she won't get hurt. She wouldn't go there and I didn't want things to stay the same. Amazing, same thing here. Except my Ex decided to end it because I wanted to move forward. How long did you date her? She got so mad I think she would have shot me. It really scared me and it still bothers me to still see the anger in her face ( yes, I see her on occasion ). I think I made the right decision for me. Don't you? Well that depends. How long were you dating? How well did you know each other? When did you find out she had commitment problems and did you try and work on her about them? Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Amazing, same thing here. Except my Ex decided to end it because I wanted to move forward. How long did you date her? We dated for 2 years. Well that depends. How long were you dating? How well did you know each other? When did you find out she had commitment problems and did you try and work on her about them? We knew each other well. We got along very well and I felt us moving to possible marriage. She wanted nothing to do with that and I must say she did tell me this soon after we started dating. I guess I was hoping she would change her mind but I finally realized she never would after she started withdrawing from me. It really pissed me off that she could just be so callous. It really hurt. I told her exactly how I felt and now she will not speak to me, will not look at me, will not acknowledge ma in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 She hates that you spoke your mind, Marsh. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear We knew each other well. We got along very well and I felt us moving to possible marriage. She wanted nothing to do with that and I must say she did tell me this soon after we started dating. I guess I was hoping she would change her mind but I finally realized she never would after she started withdrawing from me. It really pissed me off that she could just be so callous. It really hurt. I told her exactly how I felt and now she will not speak to me, will not look at me, will not acknowledge ma in any way. Honestly, I can understand why she is ticked off. She told you that from the beginning and you didn't listen. We men have to listen more. She's probably like "Dude, I told you that when we first got together...." You went in HOPING to change her mind while you knew she wasn't thinking in that direction. Sorry, I don't mean to side with her but honestly, if she told you then you have to respect her feelings and you didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer She hates that you spoke your mind, Marsh. It doesn't seem that way to me, more like "I told you I wasn't looking for marriage and now you are dumping me for sticking to my guns?!" Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC We men have to listen more. I agree with that statement, but it goes both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC It doesn't seem that way to me, more like "I told you I wasn't looking for marriage and now you are dumping me for sticking to my guns?!" Yeah, and he found out the hard way. In my experience, most women hate it when guys speak up to them. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Yeah, and he found out the hard way. In my experience, most women hate it when guys speak up to them. Maybe. But I think being open and honest is the only way to make a relationship work. IIRC, communication, or lack thereof, is the biggest contributor to failed relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Yeah, and he found out the hard way. In my experience, most women hate it when guys speak up to them. I couldn't just walk away without telling her why I needed to leave. She is used to getting her own way and was really pissed that I would want to cut it off. She is using the avoidance routine to punish me for ending it. It used to bother me but it showed me a whole different side of her I didn't know before. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear She is used to getting her own way and was really pissed that I would want to cut it off. I knew it! People hate tasting their own medicine. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer I knew it! People hate tasting their own medicine. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, she told him that from day one. I don't see how getting her way is relevant when it was made clear before things got elevated. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, she told him that from day one. I don't see how getting her way is relevant when it was made clear before things got elevated. SHe didn't tell me that from the beginning. She changed her mind down the road and I was supposed to accept it. It was probably close to a year before she sprang the " I don't want to get serious" statement. I was supposed to bow to her wishes and conform. I tried the routine for awhile but it was to frustrating for me. I needed to get out..... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts