abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 So almost a year ago, I started messaging a guy from OKC who lives about an 8 hour drive away. If you've seen any of my posts, you know that my love life has been non-existent. There's just no one who floats my boat these days. This guy is handsome, charming, funny, and I admire the way he lives his life so much. He owns his own business and can work remotely, so he spends a lot of time traveling to different countries, etc. I'm 32. He's 37. We kind of go through phases where we email back and forth a lot and then go a few weeks without talking. Our conversations aren't sexual. We talk about what countries we want to visit, our ideal place to live, dreams or we joke around. Our dream destination happens to be the same country so at one point we were talking about our trip "together" but it never actually turned into anything serious. I assume he was just playing along and thought I was too. So anyway. I am wondering if this is something I should pursue. If i knew he liked me, I would drive the 8 hours alone to see him. I thought of the ole white lie of 'Oh hey, I'm actually doing ____ in your town, so maybe we could meet up while I'm there?" but the truth is I would only be going there for him so if he couldn't even meet up, I'd be heartbroken. I realize this sounds completely pathetic. Should I just drop it? During our breaks of not talking I think, "Okay, let him go. You have a crush on someone you haven't met." and I am able to forget him but then that day I DO see an email from him come in, my heart flutters.
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 I didn't want to make a new thread for this, but it just hit me I've been on loveshack.org for 11 years. You all were here for my very first serious boyfriend at age 21. I changed my username since then, so I don't have record of how much I've matured but it's kinda neat thinking this place has helped me through a lot of dumb relationship stuff!
minime13 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Well, you've been talking for a year but your conversations aren't sexual. This sounds more like an old-school pen pal than anything else. I think if he were interested, he would have said something at some point. Keep looking. 1
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Another ridiculous thing is I'm considering buying a home in my hometown just because I need change and interest rates are super low. At the same time, this guy is considering moving out of his place and spending a year traveling across the US. I wish we were dating because I would 100% drop everything and travel with him. That's my dream, I just don't want to do it alone. If I buy a house, I won't have that option but it's also incredibly stupid to figure a person I've never met into my life plans.
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Well, you've been talking for a year but your conversations aren't sexual. This sounds more like an old-school pen pal than anything else. I think if he were interested, he would have said something at some point. Keep looking. You know, it definitely does have a pen pal feel to it. That describes it perfectly. I was thinking 8 hours wasn't that far and if he liked me, he would offer to meet up. But there's a small chance he hasn't because he doesn't know how I feel or doesn't want to creep me out?
Gary S Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I really hate to bring this up, but only one in 1,000 LDR's workout, it's a bad bet. How can you kiss when you are not there? 1
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 I really hate to bring this up, but only one in 1,000 LDR's workout, it's a bad bet. How can you kiss when you are not there? Well, I am not tied to my hometown so I figured if we hit it off I'd move. In fact, he lives in a city I'd briefly considered moving to anyway (before I knew him)
Gary S Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I guess if you would move, it could work... maybe. The other problem you have - you may not know him as well as you think you do, if you aren't seeing him once a week minimum... so, as an example, if you are only seeing him once or twice a month, you might not have the connection you think you do... what happens if you move and start seeing him regularly, and find out it's not all it was cracked up to be? Then you just moved for nothing? I'm not trying to rain on your parade, just giving you the facts many overlook. 1
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 I guess if you would move, it could work... maybe. The other problem you have - you may not know him as well as you think you do, if you aren't seeing him once a week minimum... so, as an example, if you are only seeing him once or twice a month, you might not have the connection you think you do... what happens if you move and start seeing him regularly, and find out it's not all it was cracked up to be? Then you just moved for nothing? I'm not trying to rain on your parade, just giving you the facts many overlook. I appreciate the advice. That's why I made the post. I've actually never met him in person either so I'm even worse off. ha. It's just one of those things where he's in the back of my mind and I thought, "Maybe I should just meet him and see if he's as great as I imagine he is."
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 how can you plan your life around him if you never met him? I'm not actually going to plan my life around him because I know better, but I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind. Though I think of it in more of a daydream sorta way much like I think of winning the lottery. I thought asking you all for advice would help me either nip it in the bud or get the courage to explore it. I have lived a really safe life thus far and never do anything risky. I'm 32, single, and not happy with my love life. Part of me wonders if things would be better if I took some more risks. Like this risk.
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 there's taking risks and there's being stupid Not all that helpful. All I'm asking is whether or not I should meet up with him in his town a few hours away. I am not planning my life around him now.
still_an_Angel Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 This might be a case of each party waiting what the other would do for fear of rejection. But nothing will happen if you don't put anything into it, so go for it, just tell him you've got something happening in his town and if he's free, you would be delighted to put a face to the name (something like that). You'll be able to tell from his response if he is keen or not. Then go from there. And if he comes up with excuses or loses interest, then you would know he's not worth your time or effort. Good luck! 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I think it is a good idea to tell him or give some indication how you feel. The danger is that he has a partner already - but also he owns a business, so he probably doesn't have time. most people that i know who own businesses don't even have time to take a dump.
gaius Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 You should tell him you're gonna be in his town before you make plans, but don't ask him out. Let him make that move if he wants to. If it works out it works out, if it doesn't it doesn't. I've met a few online people in real life, including from here and while some meetings have gone better than others I don't ever regret taking the chance. I'm actually finding some of my life plans changing because I dropped by to see Timshel. And it's kind of a scary thing to think about the potential that would have been lost if I hadn't decided to take the risk. 3
O'Malley Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 If this guy travels for leisure so much, I'm surprised he hasn't suggested meeting up previously. This might be a case of each party waiting what the other would do for fear of rejection. But nothing will happen if you don't put anything into it, so go for it, just tell him you've got something happening in his town and if he's free, you would be delighted to put a face to the name (something like that). You'll be able to tell from his response if he is keen or not. Then go from there. I think a casual meet up is fine, but make some plans of your own, in case he's not interested or things don't go as you anticipated. I'd take things slow and enjoy the outing...you know very little about this guy, other than what he's told you.
Gary S Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Waitaminnit, hold the phone... you never even met and you are contemplating moving? You might discover within minutes of meeting that you are not attracted. You are strangers before you meet.
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 You should tell him you're gonna be in his town before you make plans, but don't ask him out. Let him make that move if he wants to. If it works out it works out, if it doesn't it doesn't. I've met a few online people in real life, including from here and while some meetings have gone better than others I don't ever regret taking the chance. I'm actually finding some of my life plans changing because I dropped by to see Timshel. And it's kind of a scary thing to think about the potential that would have been lost if I hadn't decided to take the risk. Aww! I want to hear your love story. What happened?
Author abby_tx Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 If this guy travels for leisure so much, I'm surprised he hasn't suggested meeting up previously. I think a casual meet up is fine, but make some plans of your own, in case he's not interested or things don't go as you anticipated. I'd take things slow and enjoy the outing...you know very little about this guy, other than what he's told you. I agree with the first part. He's spent a month in South American so traveling is obviously no big deal to him. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned it. Either he's not interested or is too shy to suggest it. I know the connection might not be there in person but I'm willing to try. Do you guys think I should say I like him before arranging a trip to his town? If I do that makes the meeting more nerve-wracking
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) So almost a year ago, I started messaging a guy from OKC who lives about an 8 hour drive away. If you've seen any of my posts, you know that my love life has been non-existent. There's just no one who floats my boat these days. This guy is handsome, charming, funny, and I admire the way he lives his life so much. He owns his own business and can work remotely, so he spends a lot of time traveling to different countries, etc. I'm 32. He's 37. We kind of go through phases where we email back and forth a lot and then go a few weeks without talking. Our conversations aren't sexual. We talk about what countries we want to visit, our ideal place to live, dreams or we joke around. Our dream destination happens to be the same country so at one point we were talking about our trip "together" but it never actually turned into anything serious. I assume he was just playing along and thought I was too. So anyway. I am wondering if this is something I should pursue. If i knew he liked me, I would drive the 8 hours alone to see him. I thought of the ole white lie of 'Oh hey, I'm actually doing ____ in your town, so maybe we could meet up while I'm there?" but the truth is I would only be going there for him so if he couldn't even meet up, I'd be heartbroken. I realize this sounds completely pathetic. Should I just drop it? During our breaks of not talking I think, "Okay, let him go. You have a crush on someone you haven't met." and I am able to forget him but then that day I DO see an email from him come in, my heart flutters. You never go to a man, especially from OLD. Make them come to you. I would never go to a strange city, to meet a strange man for any reason whatsoever. It's a matter of safety. And, you've been messaging for a year? Have you never had a phone conversation? Second, we were talking about our trip "together" but it never actually turned into anything serious -- Why would you or him actually act on plans to go on a trip to a foreign country before you've met and spent time together first? Don't set yourself up or allow yourself to be put into unsafe positions with strangers because you're lonely or discouraged about dating and grasping at straws. As for him traveling so much to different countries -- I'd wonder if he has a girl in every port. Edited June 10, 2015 by Redhead14 1
Gary S Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 And, you've been messaging for a year? . - You are wasting time if you are messaging for more than a week or two.
Author abby_tx Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 You never go to a man, especially from OLD. Make them come to you. I would never go to a strange city, to meet a strange man for any reason whatsoever. It's a matter of safety. And, you've been messaging for a year? Have you never had a phone conversation? Second, we were talking about our trip "together" but it never actually turned into anything serious -- Why would you or him actually act on plans to go on a trip to a foreign country before you've met and spent time together first? Don't set yourself up or allow yourself to be put into unsafe positions with strangers because you're lonely or discouraged about dating and grasping at straws. As for him traveling so much to different countries -- I'd wonder if he has a girl in every port. When we went from OKC to email, we also exchanged phone numbers. We texted a couple times and out of the blue he called me.I was unavailable and too nervous to call back but I did text back. He never called again. You know, he COULD have a girl in every port. Who knows.
Author abby_tx Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 - You are wasting time if you are messaging for more than a week or two. No necessarily. People who don't live in the same city can't exactly meet up and see if there are sparks. I know a guy from the US who met and fell in love with an Australian and went over there to marry her.
gaius Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Aww! I want to hear your love story. What happened? It was just one of those situations where we started talking and to both our surprise it ended up developing into something. Then the opportunity to meet presented itself, I didn't listen to any of the bad advice you're getting in this thread , made it happen instead and it worked out incredibly well. Look, I've had a meeting before I thought would also go well but didn't, so it's always a risk. Especially in your situation where the guy hasn't even asked you out yet. But what I would do if I were you would be to just shoot him an email sometime telling him you're gonna be in his town at a time you'll know he'll be there, but give an excuse why you're there that doesn't have to do with him and just ask what's fun to do. Let him make a move on you. Because if you try and take control yourself you're just gonna kill any potential there is, I can almost guarantee it. =/ That's probably the most frequent and worst mistake I see women around here make. I've lost count of how many have fallen for that. If it ends up working out you two will just find a way to bridge the distance and be together and if it doesn't you can stop thinking about this guy and find a real prospect. Win-win really. 1
Author abby_tx Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Gaius- love hearing happy stories like that! And I may have messed up. I didn't read your advice until after I sent him an email. He had email me a funny website. I replied with another funny thing I found and said, "hey I've been researching places to ___. You should come here and do it with me!" Too forward?
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