MoreAmore Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Trust me; I'm embarrassed about this. I have never done this in previous relationships. (I've had a 3 year relationship, a 5 year relationship, a 4 year relationship, and a bit over a year intentionally single, only casually dating, before this relationship.) Each of my previous relationships did cheat on me by the end. Still, I never carried that forward. I know I won't cheat no matter the circumstance, so I trust that others will not as well. I'm not especially jealous in that the idea of my significant other being intimate with another woman does not bother me; However, the idea of being deceived about it bothers me a lot. My current guy and I have been seeing each other for 6 months, but only recently serious. He wanted committed much earlier on, but I was slow to agree to anything more than casual dating. I know he has cheated in more than one of his past relationships. I emphasized how important honesty is to me, no matter what, and he told me. I certainly do not want to punish his honesty. What concerns me most, however, is when he told me, it seemed from how he spoke about it that he thought the damage was caused from his ex girlfriend and ex wife finding out. He said he really didn't ever want to hurt anyone and he did what he could to avoid that. (Two of my exes had cheated in the past as well, and told me, and it didn't worry me like this.) He's also somewhat conflict avoidant. I could see him putting up with a lot to avoid a fight. We have spoken about this. He has the very true point that he cannot change his past. He has promised he will never cheat/lie to me, and he will tell me if he's having any problem with me or the relationship. There has yet to be anything he has brought up, which unnerves me. He also posts a lot of "selfies" to social media. I don't really "get" selfies, and the only time I posted them at all was trying to catch a certain person's attention. He's clearly not posting them for me. It is more selfies than I have ever seen a man post. He says he likes knowing people look at him. I think it provokes my jealousy a little bit because I am seeing it from my perspective instead. I don't generally want people looking at me, and if there is attention paid to me I want it to be for my ideas and not my appearance. He is the one who wanted our relationship public on social media, and in fact changed his status to in a relationship far ahead of me and patiently waited for me to list it to add our names connected. The other reason is I got the impression early on that he didn't have very specific ideas of what he wants. That is, I wonder if he's with me because of "me" or because he found me attractive enough, we shared hobbies, and I was available. That seems like a high chance of someone catching your interest and not staying committed. (Others have always been more vocal about my specific qualities they found exceptional. Then, he's less talkative, emotive, and vocal than my typical guy, about everything. He does say he loves me very frequently, and has been nothing but caring and generous towards me.) So, he's had me log in to various accounts at times to help with things, so I have his passwords. He also lets me use his phone without restriction or password, and has shown me the actual messages from his ex. Several times of late, I've logged into his accounts, thinking about reading his messages. I have stopped myself before actually reading them. I did tell him, of course, that I did this, and that I was tempted. He only hugged me and told me I'm welcome to log into his account whenever I want to, not angry at all. I gave him my passwords, too, to be fair. (He hasn't logged into any of them.) I told him that I had thought about breaking up with him because my idea in a relationship has always been if you don't trust, you shouldn't be in the relationship and he said he would be devastated. I apologized for acting crazy, and he said it was fine. He is an impulsive person in most respects; whereas, I typically overthink everything and insist on gathering all data before doing anything. This relationship has moved faster than I typically do. I've told him I loved him too, when normally that doesn't happen until much later. In contrast, it has moved much slower than most his relationships. I don't like feeling crazy, and I don't like being that person. It is not me. I'm not sure what it is about our dynamics that has me reacting quite like this. Jealousy and distrust is incredibly new to me, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I care about him so much, but I have considered ending it because of the lack of trust. I don't really want to do that. He is highly intelligent, kind, caring, deep, well read, socially conscious, fit, giving, handsome, patient... and I could go on. TL;DR: I'm acting jealous, insecure, and crazy. I'm not sure how to handle this within myself because it's new to me. Be gentle, please! I know I'm in the wrong here.
h0000 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 C'mon...can pigs fly?? Ok..I personally won't date anyone who has ever cheated. And this one cheated more than once, that's something inherent even himself cant help with. Let's just say he really means it when he says "I never would cheat on you" but as I said, cheating is in his nature and HE CANNOT HELP IT. Im sure he never meant to cheat on his ex gfs. But he did anyway. So sorry you have been cheated on by all your ex, but isn't it time to learn a lesson? 1
Author MoreAmore Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 C'mon...can pigs fly?? Ok..I personally won't date anyone who has ever cheated. And this one cheated more than once, that's something inherent even himself cant help with. Let's just say he really means it when he says "I never would cheat on you" but as I said, cheating is in his nature and HE CANNOT HELP IT. Im sure he never meant to cheat on his ex gfs. But he did anyway. So sorry you have been cheated on by all your ex, but isn't it time to learn a lesson? The statistics I've read suggest that past infidelity is a risk factor, but far from definitive. (Those who have cheated in the past have a 45% chance of cheating on a new partner verse 18% among those who have never cheated.) He has certainly not cheated in every relationship he has been involved in. To be entirely fair to him, the only person who has done anything shady in our relationship thus far has been me. (Logging into his personal accounts he trusted me with- even if I did stop myself from doing the prying, I came very close.) He's been completely open and transparent in everything, even before I was. (Introducing me to his family and friends much before I allowed him to meet any of my people, publicly announcing our relationship before I would, making future plans requiring significant investment on his part while I was still refusing a title, allowing me to use his phone and computer without regard whereas mine are password protected and have security alerts, etc.)
h0000 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I don't see how publicly announcing your relationship equals he wont cheat on you in the FUTURE And obviously you would like to put your heart at risk. Then by all means enjoy the ride
Author MoreAmore Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 6 months in during which he has done nothing wrong, I'm most interested in how to deal with my bad behavior, rather than ignoring my bad behavior in favor of suppositions based on a past which I hardly fleshed out here. Nonetheless, I welcome any additional input even if it is along the same vein.
jen1447 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Your insecurity is just circumstances and it's very sensible hon - he has a track record so naturally you're going to feel uncertain. I think that's just the way it is. As to what to do about your feelings ....hm, that's a tough one. You don't actually want to turn off your intuition (even if you could) bc it serves you well and it's a valuable tool. Think of it like pain sensation - no one likes to feel pain, right? But it's still good to be able to bc it's your body's way of telling you sth's wrong and you need to address it to stop the damage. Same w/intuition, only substitute wrong with risk. It's just your instincts telling you to be careful. So, about all that leaves is hoping that you start trusting him eventually and the feelings going away. I hate coming off all 'relationship doom' but I think you need to ask yourself if you can live like this for a while, bc I don't see it ending until he puts more time in that helps firm up your trust. If it's any consolation, you're not being irrational or acting crazy. Everything you're feeling is pretty much what you should be feeling. 1
joseb Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 If it's any consolation, you're not being irrational or acting crazy. Everything you're feeling is pretty much what you should be feeling. Yeah Jen sums it up well. It's hard when he is a serial cheater and it doesn't help that he does this kind of thing: "It is more selfies than I have ever seen a man post. He says he likes knowing people look at him." Sounds a bit Narcissistic to be honest. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Trust me; I'm embarrassed about this. I have never done this in previous relationships. (I've had a 3 year relationship, a 5 year relationship, a 4 year relationship, and a bit over a year intentionally single, only casually dating, before this relationship.) Each of my previous relationships did cheat on me by the end. Still, I never carried that forward. I know I won't cheat no matter the circumstance, so I trust that others will not as well. I'm not especially jealous in that the idea of my significant other being intimate with another woman does not bother me; However, the idea of being deceived about it bothers me a lot. My current guy and I have been seeing each other for 6 months, but only recently serious. He wanted committed much earlier on, but I was slow to agree to anything more than casual dating. I know he has cheated in more than one of his past relationships. I emphasized how important honesty is to me, no matter what, and he told me. I certainly do not want to punish his honesty. What concerns me most, however, is when he told me, it seemed from how he spoke about it that he thought the damage was caused from his ex girlfriend and ex wife finding out. He said he really didn't ever want to hurt anyone and he did what he could to avoid that. (Two of my exes had cheated in the past as well, and told me, and it didn't worry me like this.) He's also somewhat conflict avoidant. I could see him putting up with a lot to avoid a fight. We have spoken about this. He has the very true point that he cannot change his past. He has promised he will never cheat/lie to me, and he will tell me if he's having any problem with me or the relationship. There has yet to be anything he has brought up, which unnerves me. He also posts a lot of "selfies" to social media. I don't really "get" selfies, and the only time I posted them at all was trying to catch a certain person's attention. He's clearly not posting them for me. It is more selfies than I have ever seen a man post. He says he likes knowing people look at him. I think it provokes my jealousy a little bit because I am seeing it from my perspective instead. I don't generally want people looking at me, and if there is attention paid to me I want it to be for my ideas and not my appearance. He is the one who wanted our relationship public on social media, and in fact changed his status to in a relationship far ahead of me and patiently waited for me to list it to add our names connected. The other reason is I got the impression early on that he didn't have very specific ideas of what he wants. That is, I wonder if he's with me because of "me" or because he found me attractive enough, we shared hobbies, and I was available. That seems like a high chance of someone catching your interest and not staying committed. (Others have always been more vocal about my specific qualities they found exceptional. Then, he's less talkative, emotive, and vocal than my typical guy, about everything. He does say he loves me very frequently, and has been nothing but caring and generous towards me.) So, he's had me log in to various accounts at times to help with things, so I have his passwords. He also lets me use his phone without restriction or password, and has shown me the actual messages from his ex. Several times of late, I've logged into his accounts, thinking about reading his messages. I have stopped myself before actually reading them. I did tell him, of course, that I did this, and that I was tempted. He only hugged me and told me I'm welcome to log into his account whenever I want to, not angry at all. I gave him my passwords, too, to be fair. (He hasn't logged into any of them.) I told him that I had thought about breaking up with him because my idea in a relationship has always been if you don't trust, you shouldn't be in the relationship and he said he would be devastated. I apologized for acting crazy, and he said it was fine. He is an impulsive person in most respects; whereas, I typically overthink everything and insist on gathering all data before doing anything. This relationship has moved faster than I typically do. I've told him I loved him too, when normally that doesn't happen until much later. In contrast, it has moved much slower than most his relationships. I don't like feeling crazy, and I don't like being that person. It is not me. I'm not sure what it is about our dynamics that has me reacting quite like this. Jealousy and distrust is incredibly new to me, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I care about him so much, but I have considered ending it because of the lack of trust. I don't really want to do that. He is highly intelligent, kind, caring, deep, well read, socially conscious, fit, giving, handsome, patient... and I could go on. TL;DR: I'm acting jealous, insecure, and crazy. I'm not sure how to handle this within myself because it's new to me. Be gentle, please! I know I'm in the wrong here. Each of my previous relationships did cheat on me by the end. Still, I never carried that forward. -- You have carried it forward which is one reason you are on high alert here. Jealousy and distrust is incredibly new to me,-- This statement contradicts the one above. "The other reason is I got the impression early on that he didn't have very specific ideas of what he wants". -- You only have the impression? By six months, you two should be clear in terms of what each of you want for yourselves in the long run. Did you ever have an actual conversation about what you each want or did he actually say he doesn't know what he wants for himself. You/he may not know for sure it would be with each other at this point, but you two need to be on the same page in terms of goals at least. If this isn't clear to you, that's another reason you are on high alert. He is an impulsive person in most respects -- this helps to account for the fact that he has cheated. He doesn't think things through. I'd keep this in the very back of your head at least. All this being said, there is transparency between you in terms of the typical things that people nowadays look for when they are feeling insecure, i.e. passwords, phone access, etc., so he may be making an effort to assuage your concerns. Unless you have specific and empirical evidence that he is cheating or considering cheating, I would just continue to observe his behavior toward you. As long as there is continued transparency, good/quality communication, he is respectful of you and your time and sees you regularly, I'd keep things like this in check as much as possible. 1
Author MoreAmore Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 . I hate coming off all 'relationship doom' but I think you need to ask yourself if you can live like this for a while, bc I don't see it ending until he puts more time in that helps firm up your trust. If it's any consolation, you're not being irrational or acting crazy. Everything you're feeling is pretty much what you should be feeling. Thank you. That is very helpful.
Author MoreAmore Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 [ This statement contradicts the one above. I meant that before this relationship, I never felt very jealous in my relationships. The only times I felt jealous were when it was vindicated later by that being when an ex actually started cheating, and engaged in very suspicious behavior. Then, I did not snoop, I ended the relationships. I'm on good terms with all my exes regardless. In all those I dated for the previous year before him, I never even felt a tiny bit of jealousy or insecurity. By six months, you two should be clear in terms of what each of you want for yourselves in the long run. When it comes to our relationship, he wants to be together long term. He currently lives a small distance away so that we can see each other every weekend only, and for a couple full weeks during vacations, and has begun seeking employment in my area even with me saying I'm not sure that's a good idea and we should be cautious. In terms of the relationship moving forward, it has always been me slowing it down. I meant that he wasn't very picky about what he was exactly looking for in a woman. When I asked him what he was looking for when we first met, he only said somebody nice. He doesn't think things through. No, he doesn't. He did talk about the guilt when he cheated, and how badly he felt he hurt women who loved him. But he didn't consider that beforehand or stop his behavior for it. Unless you have specific and empirical evidence that he is cheating or considering cheating, I would just continue to observe his behavior toward you. As long as there is continued transparency, good/quality communication, he is respectful of you and your time and sees you regularly, I'd keep things like this in check as much as possible. No, there is nothing at all to indicate he is currently cheating or thinking about it. He's more open than I am.
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