So angry that he didn't even say goodbye

[Articher]

I am new to this forum but have been reading many of the post here and that has really helped. I decided to post my story in the hopes that I could get some advice on my situation. I'll try to keep it as short as possible but I am very emotional about this and want to make sure you have most of the facts.

 

I recently went through a separation/divorce with my husband of 25 years. Things had been bad for a while and the separation/divorce was my idea. A few months later a younger man at work found out about my situation and started flirting with me. To be clear: this happened after and had no bearing on the divorce. I was really hesitant at first because of my situation and because the guy was a lot younger than me. I am 43, he is 26. When he first started flirting he thought I was 30. I told him the truth but it only seem to make him more interested!

 

Anyway, this flirting went on for 10 months. During this time we text each other almost everyday. We talked at work every opportunity we could and hung out outside of work about once or twice a month. We shared personal information and even kept each other informed of our schedules. We hugged and even spent the night together once (nothing happened except a little cuddling). During this time we became pretty close.

 

A few months ago he got a new job. I was upset that we wouldn't be working together but knew he was miserable and wanted him to be happy. I knew we would only be working together a few more months but wasn't too worried because he was finally hinting that he wanted to date me and hinting about me being his girlfriend. He started to do really caring things and was showing that he was falling for me. I was happy despite the age difference because I had fallen hard for him too. This was a big deal because he had warned me he was an "emotionally closed off" person but I could see how much he was into me.

 

Well, a few weeks before his last day he suddenly stopped texting. It was weird but he was still staring at me at work, approaching me and talking about future plans so I didn't push the issue. I did start to get a sense that he was trying to detach from me. I decided to test the waters and ask about us spending time together. He tried to joke and avoid my questions. When I pushed he got irritated with me and I ended up turning and walking away. Shortly after he found me and started smiling and joking with me to clear the air. I was so confused during this time. Felt like I was walking on egg shells.

 

His last week he came to me and had a short 5 min conversation. Generic stuff like talking about his new job and his upcoming vacation. I was trying to figure out if he was saying bye or not. He didn't say anything that sounded like bye but he also didn't talk about future plans. I didn't see him much the rest of the week and did not see him at all his last day there. I kept trying to figure out if we were done or not since there was no formal goodbye, etc.

 

It has now been over a month since he last text me and over 2 weeks since I last saw him or talked to him. I am not contacting him due to his weird behavior the last few weeks at work and the feeling I got that he was pulling away. I figure the best thing I can do is give him space and not chase him. I do feel like its over and he will not contact me again. I'm so confused because he was so consistent the whole 10 months and was so into me. He had really stepped things up and we had gotten really close the last few months before he left. I found out today he had told other coworkers bye, had hugged them and had even written a few heartfelt letters. I am so hurt because we were so close and I didn't get a goodbye, a hug, a text or nothing! He basically just turned around and walked away. I miss him so much and am basically depressed. I can't hardly eat or sleep and don't want to do anything. I don't understand what happened. Any advice or insight would be much appreciated. Thanks!

[ravfour4]

Not to be a jerk or make you feel bad, but it sounds like he was just having fun flirting with an older woman and that the "I'm emotionally closed off" thing was just a ploy to ensure you didn't think it'd ever become something serious. Then when the job was over, so was the fun flirting.

 

I'd forget about that fool and look for a real man! Focus on you and try to forget about him, don't dig into it too much, he just sounds immature.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'd suggest "Baggage Reclaim", this great relationship blog. He sounds to me (and what he actually admitted to) very emotionally unavailable. She writes about people like that, and why they are the way they are, and how to deal with the aftermath.

 

I think you're right in not contacting him. It likely wouldn't go anywhere, and it's best to save the effort and your dignity.

[Articher]

Thanks ravfour4 for your opinion. I am not offended by it and you may be right. If he had just lightly flirted at work I wouldn't even have developed deeper feelings but it seemed like more than him just having fun. Even though we technically were in a "non-relationship" we almost behaved like we were together. There were rumors that we had an office romance and some people right out asked if we were bf/gf. We spent hours together outside of work at bars, each other houses, playing golf, etc. We text every day and talked on the phone. Coworkers would ask me where he was all the time because they knew I would know his schedule. We had pet names for each other. It just seemed real. If he never meant anything by it then I just feel so foolish. He really led me on and I really fell hard. Just wish he would have left me alone if he didn't really have feelings for me. I do know you are right and that I need to move on. I just can't stop thinking about him yet.

[Articher]

Ziggyzoo, thanks for the blog info. I will check it out. I do believe he is emotionally unavailable. He seems terrified of relationships and I know he had a rough childhood and watched his parents go through a bitter divorce. He has a hard time getting close to people and comes off stuck-up and standoffish at first. Whenever he would decide to do or say something emotional he would act very awkward and would later let me know over text what a big deal it was for him. Thanks you for giving your opinion on not contacting him. I have struggled with it a few times but I at least know I walked away with my dignity and did not chase or beg him.

[DexterLS]

Agreed with ravfour4 to be honest. Maybe you looked into this too much.

 

ZiggyZoo, thanks for BaggageReclaim, some pretty interesting stuff to read on there

[Articher]

Agreed with ravfour4 to be honest. Maybe you looked into this too much.

 

ZiggyZoo, thanks for BaggageReclaim, some pretty interesting stuff to read on there

 

DexterLS, I believe you and ravfour4 may be right. There is a distinct possibility that he never felt anything deeper or was just passing time at a job he hated. If that is true, he sure invested a lot of time and energy into our non-relationship.

 

I checked out BaggageReclaim too and while reading through the articles something hit me. When we would talk, hangout and/or he would make a future promise I would see emotion in his eyes. It seemed real. In one particular article Natalie Lue says:

 

"Sometime’s people become stifled by a situation often of their own making triggering anxiety and fears about being vulnerable, intimate and committed. Some like the idea of doing stuff more than the reality, and when the future they’ve often billy-bull****ted you and Future Faked about starts getting too close for comfort, they extricate themselves in a big way. They may genuinely have believed that they were going to be and do as they’d committed themselves to but if they were honest, they’d acknowledge that going out with a bang was always a ticking time bomb."

 

This makes complete sense to me because there at the end he seemed so torn. I felt like he was trying to make a decision about me and every time I tried to tap into his emotions he looked like a deer in the headlights.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm so glad that you and DexterLS found it helpful! She has helped me numerous times. Just her writing style, and how she can get right to the heart of a matter. Every time I visit there, I have some sort of revelation.

[ExpatInItaly]

My guess is that he has his eye on someone else now, but doesn't know how to be honest and tell you that.

[Emilia]

Most people know that walking away like that is bad form. I'm going to go against popular opinion because I think if he hadn't cared, he would have handled the good bye the same way as he did with the others.

 

I went through something similar when I was made redundant and had to leave work within a week. I was working with someone I used to date and we were considering giving it another go but kept stumbling over the same obstacles. Working together for over a year after dating stopped hadn't helped to resolve issues. We weren't on speaking terms when I found out that I was leaving but he was the first person I told. Long story short, it got difficult, there was no proper good bye and contact stopped straight away.

 

The way this relates to your story is that if you can't make progress with someone for 10 months, there is a reason behind that. It's a VERY long time when you work together. My ex and I got together within 2 weeks of heavy flirting. So if your situation wasn't improving while you were both present, surely it would have less chance when 1 of you is gone. Who knows what his reasons but this was never going to happen, sorry.

[Rewan]

I think that there are three possible reasons for his behavior, since I've had experiences not exactly like this but similar to an extent.. :S

 

The first possible reason is, as the other posters have already mentioned, that he was just in it for the flirting. I've known a few people that were into that, even when they were already in relationships. If this was the case, it would explain why he didn't push much for sex (unless he did push for sex once and you didn't get a chance to mention it in your post). To some, the act of thinking about possible plans and affection is more exciting than the actual plans and acts themselves. It's a bit messed up, in my opinion, because the person is essentially leading the other on unless they make it clear that they don't really want that, but to each their own, I guess.. And maybe his letters were his way of flirting with some of the other coworkers, assuming that he was attracted to others.

 

The second is one that I am well versed with after having been the one let down at the end of it. In this case, it would be that his versions of relationships and attraction is all very outer and shallow. And after a while, when things start to become a little more serious, he loses interest because it isn't fun and carefree and new anymore. This would definitely, I think, explain why his entire behavior to you changed so quickly and why he didn't feel the need to say goodbye. Because he lost interest and no longer viewed you as someone he was interested in and curious about, he assumed he didn't have to. However, in reality, he had a responsibility to tell you how he was feeling, regardless of how much it hurt. Usually, in my experience, if it's a case like this, he'll be back once he feels like he needs you, emotionally, because that re-sparks his interest- getting support that helps him throughout whatever he's going through. This would also explain why, once things got better with the new position and the fact that he was leaving the job he didn't like, he stepped away from you.

 

The third one is a bit darker, and in this case, he probably found someone else at the new job. Some people find no remorse in the act of swinging from one person to the next, regardless of whether or not someone gets hurt in the process..

 

Regardless of which reason is true or false, however, I think the best course of action is to focus on your own well being. If he doesn't choose to contact you and give you a clear reason why he acted the way he did, I think it's safe to say that he's faced you with a loss that will never truly give you definite closure for the "why." Situations like that are incredibly hard, and I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain. But remember, this is not the end of the road. Focus on your own well-being.

 

Please, if nothing else, eat at least two filling meals a day. When you have a lot of down time and can't think of anything but him, call up your friends and see if they'd have time to hang out. Maybe even try to make friends with some of your other coworkers- not in an intimate way, of course, but a friend way- and see if they want to hang out. Or make the time to do something that maybe you've always wanted to try but never got the chance to or just do something that you love to do but hardly get the time to accomplish. Bottom line, while it may not seem like it right now as you're reading this, this guy has given you a gift- the gift of the time you would have been spending with him right now in a situation he seems to have never been serious about.. I know that is a very blunt statement, and I'm very sorry if that hurts, but the best way, I feel, to get over something like this is to take that time you would've spent with him and use it to make yourself happy.

 

The reason why I recommend making yourself happy is because you are the most important person in your life. I'm not saying that your family or that lovers aren't important too, but your overall well-being is number one because it's your life. You have the power to go out right now and enjoy yourself, and I think you more than deserve it. But by staying in and not eating, you're giving the idea of him the power to take your life over.. And that's not fair to you. I'm not saying that it'll always be unicorns and sunny days because you will have days that feel unbearable..but the trick is to still get up and still attempt to get on with your life because after a while, it will get easier. And after you're happy by yourself, when Mr. Right comes along, you'll be ready for him and will remember this guy as the insignificant ant he is. Yes, he should have told you goodbye. Yes, he should have given you a reason why. But he didn't. I know it hurts knowing that, but the more you try to make yourself happy, the less it will hurt in time.

 

Sorry for the rant, but I hope this kind of helps.. :S I really hope you're okay, and please, please, please keep eating. And living your life too.

Take care, and hang in there. Believe it or not, it does get better.

[mossycup]

Something I really want to watch out for is the slippery slope between "flirting" and "commitment-wanting". I have had many situations in my life where I tell myself I am just flirting, but I do really want more. These situations never end well for me. Best to be clear in yourself and not get emotionally involved until you have clear information that a person wants to commit. I'm sorry that now you are kind of emotionally trapped in this situation, but it will pass, and then you can be more careful in the future, and find happiness.

[NopeNah]

Something I really want to watch out for is the slippery slope between "flirting" and "commitment-wanting". I have had many situations in my life where I tell myself I am just flirting, but I do really want more. These situations never end well for me. Best to be clear in yourself and not get emotionally involved until you have clear information that a person wants to commit. I'm sorry that now you are kind of emotionally trapped in this situation, but it will pass, and then you can be more careful in the future, and find happiness.

 

This happens to me from the other end. I'm the one "not looking for anything serious at the moment". They agree and in a few(2-3) weeks they're asking about being exclusive. Then I fade away. I am, in a sense, emotionally closed off at the moment and I am honest about it.

 

OP: I think that he saw you as a female "companion" who enjoyed doing the same type things as he did. Golfing,bars,chilling out talking,ect.. I'm also thinking you enjoyed these things too after being married for so long? It is kinda shady the way he just cut contact and all,but from my stand point he did you a favor? Showed you how truly unavailable he is on the emotion side of things,instead of continuing to lead you on. Like you said "deer in the headlights"...that's the look I give when asked about being exclusive.

 

On to the next one for you! I wish you the best

[Satu]

I'd suggest "Baggage Reclaim", this great relationship blog. He sounds to me (and what he actually admitted to) very emotionally unavailable. She writes about people like that, and why they are the way they are, and how to deal with the aftermath.

 

I think you're right in not contacting him. It likely wouldn't go anywhere, and it's best to save the effort and your dignity.

 

Baggage Reclaim is the place to go

[Articher]

I'm so glad that you and DexterLS found it helpful! She has helped me numerous times. Just her writing style, and how she can get right to the heart of a matter. Every time I visit there, I have some sort of revelation.

 

Yes, thank you for the reference. I have only read a few articles so far but they are spot on! Describe the guy perfectly. Hopefully it will help me avoid emotionally unavailable guys in the future.

[Articher]

My guess is that he has his eye on someone else now, but doesn't know how to be honest and tell you that.

 

As much as I hate to think about it, you may be right. The first few months we were hanging out he would tell me all about his dates and how they were all "crazy". He had some really bad ones probably due to his lack of communication and being standoffish. He even got cussed out a few times! After a few months he quit calling me "friend" and stopped talking about other girls. He started saying we were "building a relationship" and calling me "his". Guess that is why I was so confused when he finally jetted.

[Articher]

Most people know that walking away like that is bad form. I'm going to go against popular opinion because I think if he hadn't cared, he would have handled the good bye the same way as he did with the others.

 

I wondered about this... I talked to a lot of other coworkers and apparently he said bye to almost every single one (that he talked to). He even hugged a girl that he had disagreed with a lot and who often told people she hated him! I was just about the only one he didn't tell goodbye. We were so close regardless of his true feelings or emotional availability so it was shocking to me that he avoided saying goodbye. There was no closure.

 

The way this relates to your story is that if you can't make progress with someone for 10 months, there is a reason behind that. It's a VERY long time when you work together. My ex and I got together within 2 weeks of heavy flirting. So if your situation wasn't improving while you were both present, surely it would have less chance when 1 of you is gone. Who knows what his reasons but this was never going to happen, sorry.

 

This really hit home with me. During the 10 months it never really progressed until the last few months. It was frustrating that it seemed the same no matter what I did. Then it picked up significantly which gave me hope only to crash and burn weeks later.

[Articher]

The first possible reason is, as the other posters have already mentioned, that he was just in it for the flirting. I've known a few people that were into that, even when they were already in relationships. If this was the case, it would explain why he didn't push much for sex (unless he did push for sex once and you didn't get a chance to mention it in your post).

 

He didn't push for sex but we engaged in quite a bit of innuendo so I could tell he was sexually attracted to me.

 

 

And maybe his letters were his way of flirting with some of the other coworkers, assuming that he was attracted to others.

 

I never saw him flirt with any other women at work and the girl he hugged and one of the ones he wrote a heartfelt letter to were married and not that physically attractive.

 

Because he lost interest and no longer viewed you as someone he was interested in and curious about, he assumed he didn't have to. However, in reality, he had a responsibility to tell you how he was feeling, regardless of how much it hurt. Usually, in my experience, if it's a case like this, he'll be back once he feels like he needs you, emotionally, because that re-sparks his interest- getting support that helps him throughout whatever he's going through. This would also explain why, once things got better with the new position and the fact that he was leaving the job he didn't like, he stepped away from you.

 

What was so confusing to me was even though he wasn't texting anymore he was still showing up everywhere I was, staring hard, trying to talk to me, blushing and acting awkward, etc. And you are right about the emotional support. He would contact me more when things were not going well in his life. He loved that I would listen, offer advice and encouragement and show him that I cared. He was really happy about the new job and specifically said he was "moving on to bigger and better things".

 

Please, if nothing else, eat at least two filling meals a day. When you have a lot of down time and can't think of anything but him, call up your friends and see if they'd have time to hang out. Maybe even try to make friends with some of your other coworkers- not in an intimate way, of course, but a friend way- and see if they want to hang out. Or make the time to do something that maybe you've always wanted to try but never got the chance to or just do something that you love to do but hardly get the time to accomplish. Bottom line, while it may not seem like it right now as you're reading this, this guy has given you a gift- the gift of the time you would have been spending with him right now in a situation he seems to have never been serious about.. I know that is a very blunt statement, and I'm very sorry if that hurts, but the best way, I feel, to get over something like this is to take that time you would've spent with him and use it to make yourself happy.

 

Thank you for your advice and your concern. I was struggling so bad today. Missing him so much. I came home and saw all these posts from everyone and it made me feel so much better. I hadn't eaten all day but was finally able to choke down some supper. I also made plans to hang out with friends this weekend even though I don't really feel like it. I'm tired of sitting around wondering what he is doing. Wondering if he likes his new job. Wondering if he is flirting with someone there. I am ready to feel human again. I hope I get there soon.

[Articher]

Something I really want to watch out for is the slippery slope between "flirting" and "commitment-wanting". I have had many situations in my life where I tell myself I am just flirting, but I do really want more. These situations never end well for me. Best to be clear in yourself and not get emotionally involved until you have clear information that a person wants to commit. I'm sorry that now you are kind of emotionally trapped in this situation, but it will pass, and then you can be more careful in the future, and find happiness.

 

Thank you and you are so right! I resisted flirting even though he was extremely attractive. I sensed trouble! Then I allowed myself to flirt thinking I would not let it go any further than that... next thing you know emotions were involved and I had fallen hard. The warning signs were there from the things he said (emotionally closed off, that he liked being single, that all his previous relationships were messed up, etc.) to the things his friends said about him when he wasn't around. I just hadn't felt that kind of chemistry in a long time so I ignored the signs. I will definitely be more careful in the future. This kind of heartbreak is "no bueno"

[mystikmind2005]

My guess is that he actually started falling for you, but it was never what he really wanted so he forced himself to detach.

[Articher]

OP: I think that he saw you as a female "companion" who enjoyed doing the same type things as he did. Golfing,bars,chilling out talking,ect.. I'm also thinking you enjoyed these things too after being married for so long? It is kinda shady the way he just cut contact and all,but from my stand point he did you a favor? Showed you how truly unavailable he is on the emotion side of things,instead of continuing to lead you on. Like you said "deer in the headlights"...that's the look I give when asked about being exclusive.

 

On to the next one for you! I wish you the best

 

We did seem to enjoy all the same things. Even though I was much older than him we got along great and had amazing chemistry. We would stare at each other across a room and always seemed to gravitate to each other. It was electric. I had not felt that way in a long time due to my stressful marriage but to be honest, I don't think I have ever felt chemistry like that in my entire life. When we would go out everyone would get mad at us because we were so into each other that we ignored everyone else. I know you are right, that I am better off in the long run. It just hurts so much. I was (am?) in that stupid phase where you love everything about them including their flaws. I still replay specific times we had together in my head. My sister says I am silly for mourning like this for someone I wasn't officially in a relationship with but even without a title it sure felt like a relationship to me. Thanks for responding!

[Articher]

My guess is that he actually started falling for you, but it was never what he really wanted so he forced himself to detach.

 

Thank you mystikmind... For some weird reason it actually makes me feel better to believe he had some feelings for me and that I wasn't crazy. The first 2-3 months of our non-relationship I would question whether or not he liked me, etc. But after about 6 months there really was no question in my mind. Other people saw it too and would confide that they thought he had a crush on me. Near the end (before he pulled away) his behavior was so uncharacteristic of him. He is usually reserved and poker faced. He was showing his emotions so much that he almost seemed out of control. He couldn't stop staring at me, would turn beat red when I caught him, couldn't pass me without talking to me, would holler out across the parking lot, dart down my hall to see me, text me constantly about stupid things, linger, forget his train of thought, etc. He seemed really stressed out by this as it wasn't typical behavior for him. He was typically super smooth and confident. At one point he looked at me wearily and said "What do you want from me?" I was confused at the time and didn't know how to answer that since I had not asked him for anything! I think in the end he decided it was all too stressful and saw the new job as an opportunity to break away. I just wish he would have given us a chance but realize it probably would have ultimately failed in the end.

[mystikmind2005]

Thank you mystikmind... For some weird reason it actually makes me feel better to believe he had some feelings for me and that I wasn't crazy. The first 2-3 months of our non-relationship I would question whether or not he liked me, etc. But after about 6 months there really was no question in my mind. Other people saw it too and would confide that they thought he had a crush on me. Near the end (before he pulled away) his behavior was so uncharacteristic of him. He is usually reserved and poker faced. He was showing his emotions so much that he almost seemed out of control. He couldn't stop staring at me, would turn beat red when I caught him, couldn't pass me without talking to me, would holler out across the parking lot, dart down my hall to see me, text me constantly about stupid things, linger, forget his train of thought, etc. He seemed really stressed out by this as it wasn't typical behavior for him. He was typically super smooth and confident. At one point he looked at me wearily and said "What do you want from me?" I was confused at the time and didn't know how to answer that since I had not asked him for anything! I think in the end he decided it was all too stressful and saw the new job as an opportunity to break away. I just wish he would have given us a chance but realize it probably would have ultimately failed in the end.

 

Seems to be 95% chance he did.

 

But you know, sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that we know will never last, but we choose to enjoy the time we do have, and i think there is nothing wrong with that at all - except the end bit, but usually when you get past that end bit you will look back and realize it was worth it i think