Lear Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Sorry in advance for the possibly confusing description of a properly really stupid situation. I managed to get myself into a situation that might be completely harmless but I'm not 100% sure and it would probably help me to get an outside opinion on this. I have been with my boyfriend for exactly eight months today. So I'm in a happy, stable relationship and I have never even looked at another guy since I've been with him. But now this happened: I met this guy (A) on a website some time last month. Not a dating site or anything, but something completely different. This site has a few chat rooms and both A and I were basically online every day at the same time and noticed quite quickly that we got along very well. Then there was some chaos in that chat room and I didn't feel like going there anymore because I didn't want anything to do with the stuff going on. So this friend and I then started talking privately, outside this chat - still on this website, anonymous, with no contact outside of this. We never exchanged numbers or any other contact details. We became even closer when it was suddenly only us two talking, without any other people watching. When we were still in that chat room, we joked around a lot, and often joked in a flirtatious manner, much to the other chat participants' amusement. For me this was clearly a joke and I just had some fun because I liked him and we seemed to have the same kind of humor. But now, where it's just us two, everything seems a lot more private suddenly and I'm starting to wonder what exactly it is we are doing. We talk about all kinds of stuff..relationship issues, family, friends, interests, problems we both are facing, often we play games for hours..but there is also this flirtatious aspect of our friendship that I don't quite understand. When I mention that I just accidentally bit my lip and he then replies with 'aww, do you want me to kiss it better? ' then i see that as joking around and don't take it seriously. But when he tells me about his ex and then apologises about his 'boy drama' and i write back that i don't mind and that it would be nice if he were here and we could just lie on my bed, talking about all the 'boy drama' and he then says 'that would amazing..although i don't think i could think about any other boy if you were lying next to me', then I start wondering if maybe it is getting inappropriate. I am currently asking myself two questions: 1. Is what I'm doing wrong? Is this cheating? 2. Is A just joking or does he really have a crush on me? Is that even possible, over the internet? And should I take it seriously? Or is he just messing around and I'm overthinking? I could write a bit more about why this guy even matters to me that much and why I am talking to him like that, but I guess I better wait first if anyone replies..don't want this to get too long. Thank you for reading!
Fleur de cactus Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 "i write back that i don't mind and that it would be nice if he were here and we could just lie on my bed, talking about all the 'boy drama' and he then says 'that would amazing. That is inappropriate, even if you did not mean it, it is playing with other people mind. Chatting to others is ok but it is going to far and you know the effect of you words will have in the other guy. If someone tells me the same thing, my fist thought and hope is that the person likes me and this will take us somewhere. Please stop playing with love. If you do not have deep feeling soon he will have his heart broken. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 You're investing in someone else, even though it's online, it's still damaging to what you share with your current boyfriend. Be honest with yourself. You 'feel' something when you talk to him? If so, then there's a connection and that is dangerous for your relationship. Do you think of him when you're not online? Fact is, if your boyfriend was doing this, opening up and getting to know so much about another woman I'm betting it would bother you and you'd feel it was inappropriate. You'd feel hurt and wonder what he is doing, why he's choosing to 'talk' to someone so much. Distance yourself and re invest in your boyfriend.
Author Lear Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) I like him a lot as a friend but there's no romantic attraction. If there were, then I wouldn't talk to him because that would feel like cheating to me. AND if I had romantic feelings for another guy I then I would probably have to reconsider my relationship. Also, this friend has a boyfriend as well. And we openly talk about our relationships, both about the good things and the bad things. That's why I'm a bit confused about some of the things he says. I once said that I think my boyfriend would like him and he said something along the lines of 'I don't think he would. Because he would see how I feel about you' - and I have no idea how to read that?! Maybe he is just joking and I'm overthinking. Or he means it like 'If I knew you in real life, I might develop feelings for you'? I have no idea. He probably isn't serious about it at all. And to make this clear..we live in two completely different countries. There are 2600 km between us. We will never meet. And when I said that about it being great if he could be here and we could lie on my bed together and talk about things..of course I meant that. But I don't see anything wrong with that. Maybe I just have different boundaries than other people. I don't get attached to people often but WHEN I get attached then I show that very openly. I have another friend and we are so close that people often assume we are together. When we watch movies together we often end up in the weirdest positions on the sofa because it's comfortable. Or I take her hand as to not lose her in a crowd. I don't see anything wrong with that but the fact that other people mistake that as a sign of romantic attraction makes me unsure. Edited June 10, 2015 by Lear
understand50 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I like him a lot as a friend but there's no romantic attraction. If there were, then I wouldn't talk to him because that would feel like cheating to me. AND if I had romantic feelings for another guy I then I would probably have to reconsider my relationship. Also, this friend has a boyfriend as well. And we openly talk about our relationships, both about the good things and the bad things. That's why I'm a bit confused about some of the things he says. I once said that I think my boyfriend would like him and he said something along the lines of 'I don't think he would. Because he would see how I feel about you' - and I have no idea how to read that?! Maybe he is just joking and I'm overthinking. Or he means it like 'If I knew you in real life, I might develop feelings for you'? I have no idea. He probably isn't serious about it at all. And to make this clear..we live in two completely different countries. There are 2600 km between us. We will never meet. And when I said that about it being great if he could be here and we could lie on my bed together and talk about things..of course I meant that. But I don't see anything wrong with that. Maybe I just have different boundaries than other people. I don't get attached to people often but WHEN I get attached then I show that very openly. I have another friend and we are so close that people often assume we are together. When we watch movies together we often end up in the weirdest positions on the sofa because it's comfortable. Or I take her hand as to not lose her in a crowd. I don't see anything wrong with that but the fact that other people mistake that as a sign of romantic attraction makes me unsure. Questions: Have you told your B/F about what you are doing online? Would you let him read the chat room logs? If the answer is no to each, or just one of the above, then you are being inappropriate. The test is if you are open and honest with your B/F 487 2
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