I've messed up my life so young - 25 year old woman stuck in affair [update]

[Babs22]

So one of my points was that being excessively personal, even in a positive way, is just as off-topic and unhelpful as being negative if it's not supported with examples—what I meant by "stroking the ego. The compliments have to be true and credible to the person in need or they become meaningless. On first read, it seemed like Babs' 'strokes' were merely intended to counter or equal the number of (perceived) 'slaps' you'd received. Main thing was I couldn't see how she knew so much about you and thought that ungrounded superlatives as confusing as negative attacks and criticism, that you should hear what's demonstrable and TRUE to believe it.

 

Well, that was the point, but now I don't know what I read! Between the changes from separating into two parts and whatever the moderator did, hey, the missing context showed up after all—explanations and examples of your truly difficult situation, being without family and your reciprocal support, offering words of condolences to others, etc.—that totally fit with the kind things she said. I don't know why the polarizing effect between the extreme negatives and extreme positives that stood out for me on first read isn't there now, but you do deserve sympathy and validation; that is not in question.

 

Next, the negative attacks. Apparently there were "sarcastic and cruel" posts that I didn't see, and I do see from your post #42 how awful you felt about it. I'm sad that happened and agree that you absolutely did NOT deserve to suffer insults.

 

But attacking negative attacks with more negative attacks cancels out the effort. Even Babs agreed that the moderator "left what he felt was reasonable" after editing because these assertions about all, many or even some 'people on this site are NOT reasonable and are NOT helpful to you:

• There are many people on this site who are just bitter, mean and cruel.
  
• They somehow think they are better than everyone else and cannot wait to tear into someone that they feel is beneath them.
  
• The people who have done that have been damaged and have no empathy for others.
  
• Even though you have attempted suicide, the people who attack do not care.
  

It is not helpful to try and destroy someone's critics by attacking them personally with statements of personal opinion. How did this help you?

 

I think that it's easier to see another post as "personal" and and "attack" than our own. William defined it —

 

merrmeade - Thank you for your response and looking back through the thread to try to find the missing context to what was happening. Perhaps I did try to counter the "perceived slaps", but I did so by pulling from the little bit I had learned about Lily from her posts and the few posts between just Lily and myself.

 

I know you were not able to read the "perceived slaps". Honestly, I think if you read them, you would have been equally upset and would have reacted in some way to make it stop. Every situation is different, but knowing her story and what she shared about being recently hospitalized, I felt that I needed to stand up for her. It baffled my mind that people could say things so hurtful knowing someone had recently tried to commit suicide. Honestly, it came across as bullying. Perhaps, because I live with a child dealing with mental illness, I was more sensitive to it (I worry about his safety every day), but do people need to live it to know when someone has crossed a line for what is acceptable to say to another person? I think some times people forget that behind each name, and each post is a real person. We feel safe in the anonymity that the internet provides to say things to people we would never say if they were directly in front of us.

 

... We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. ... Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread.

I do believe that a major difference in my comments was that I did not direct my words at any one specific member or participant, whereas the comments which hurt Lily, were specifically directed at Lily.

 

I seriously doubt that Lily will return. Why would she? It is sad, because I feel as though many of the posts, like yours, could have really helped Lily. There are many good, compassionate and supportive people here on LS. I only wish we had a chance to show her. I sincerely hope that she is okay.

[loveweary11]

Wow. The OP's mind works in a strikingly similar way to my ex wife.

 

I guess she isn't coming back?

 

Hopefully, she gets the help she needs. Literally nothing helped mine long term. Everything that could be done for mental health was a band aid. No long term cure. It just got worse and worse as the various meds fried her brain.

 

Hopefully the OP fares better.

[LilyAdore]

I won't bother if it's not interesting of course, just noted that my original post was closed so I couldn't add on there

 

Hope all are well x

[TaraMaiden2]

Your previous thread wasn't closed. It's just that after a certain time, they go 'lock-down'. You can hit the 'alert' button on this thread (in your first post) and talk to a Moderator about it.

 

It helps new people coming to your thread to post a link to your last one, for easier reference.

 

Here it is....

[LilyAdore]

Oh dear I am no good with this stuff

 

A lot has happened it's been hell but ultimately positive

[LilyAdore]

Ok well I'm just gonna say anyway

 

First post - 25, 5 year relationship, mental health got bad and attempted suicide, treated for depression which triggered manic episode, ultimately diagnosed with bipolar. Partner did not understand or believe in mental illness and was slowly more blaming and distant. I ****ed up and was very selfish and had an affair with an older colleague. I wanted hell what to do next

 

Today: last summer I decided I had to tell my partner the truth. By that point he had become slowly more abusive and horrible to me, I was so afraid sometimes when I got to work that I had opened the blinds the way he didn't like and I knew I would be facing a dressing down when I got home. This became normal for me, I felt i deserved it because I got ill and was a burden and of course, because I was cheating.

 

My partner raised his hands to me and I suddenly grew this spine and told him everything how I'd had an affair and how I wanted us to break up and that I was so sorry for the affair etc

 

At first I felt like o had got through to him and he was angry about the affair but felt bad about how horrible he had been. He told me he had also cheated on me twice. I didn't feel anything about this but he seemed to think my cheating was worse. Anyway, ultimately he told me it was all fine and we could have space and talk.

 

One night after a long day at work sleeping soundly I woke up to my partner choking me. I got free and he was ranting and raving and dragged me into a car then drove me to my home town and kicked me out at 3am. I was so devastated.

 

Throughout all this, OM was there. We had already ended things so I could get my head straight and he didn't take any advantage of this. He helped but at a distance. I ended up being down for a month but I took a huge risk on moving to London, with nothing stopping me.

 

The things that have happened since are just unreal. I started doing the career I love expecting to have years of paying my dues ahead but I am already established I feel so lucky. The OM and I slowly began dating and we are now together happily

 

The only unsettling thing is my ex. He has started a campaign of hate against me. I wanted to meet and to apologise and resolve financial affairs but when we met all he went on about was some racist crap because my new partner is black and we are both white, I was so disappointed because I had never ever thought that way about him. He texts me regularly to tell me how I turned him from a nice guy to a horrible guy and I am still dealing with so much guilt from causing so much damage I wish there was a way I could take that part back. My life otherwise is perfect but a part of me feels I don't deserve it.

 

As for my bipolar I feel stable and good at the moment. I changed meds and around December I had a bad manic episode I didn't sleep for a couple weeks and I kept saying ny mother was the spawn of satan, very scary but thankfully it can be attributed to the meds reaction, what I'm on now o don't even have to take every day and I feel stable and more in tune to my emotion changes - almost like I can experience emotions from an episode and still have the clarity to a point to think 'you are feeling this way due to a depressive time, hold on and it will pass'

 

The OM - now my SO - has been a rock throughout. And the good thing is, because we broke up I know I am with him because I want to be, not because I didn't want to be alone. Not because I was too weak and ill to function - I picked myself up, changed my career, moved to the city by myself. That's something I would advise to anyone thinking of leaving for the OM/OW - spend time on yourself. If the relationship is worth it, they will not only wait but encourage this time. It means you both want to be clear headed and sincere.

[TaraMaiden2]

Block your ex. Change your number and do not engage with him any more, or entertain any connection with, or from him.

 

If he comes to where you are, log everything and report his behaviour to the police.

 

Done.

[Satu]

Block all communication from your ex, he is poisonous for you.

 

Do what TaraMaiden2 said.

 

Well done on the progress you've made.

[LilyAdore]

Block your ex. Change your number and do not engage with him any more, or entertain any connection with, or from him.

 

If he comes to where you are, log everything and report his behaviour to the police.

 

Done.

 

He has our dog I really don't want it to come to that

[Oberfeldwebel]

Never let someone lay their hands on you, there is nothing you ever did to deserve that crap. Call the police immediate and press charges, it is the only way to stop the violence. Also remember that bipolar is a medical condition and must be treated. I have high blood pressure, I have to stay on my medicine or bad things happen, the same is true for you. As for your ex, don't allow him to lay his problems on you. He has decided that you are the reason for all his problems. The only other option he has is to accept responsibility for his actions and he is never going to do that anytime soon.

 

Good people come in all shapes, sizes, ages, sex and color. Associate with people that are good and you will live a much happier and healthier life.

[TaraMaiden2]

Get another dog.

You won't get that one back, and he will make your life a misery if you consider seeing it.

I'm sorry, I understand the dog thing - of course I do.

 

I'm a dog behaviourist.

 

But you need to move on.

[TX-SC]

You cheated. Not a fan. Sorry. You or your new guy will cheat again. If he cheated WITH you, then he'll cheat ON you. Glad you are out of the abusive relationship though.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The first thing I am concerned with is your safety. The others are right....file for divorce....and have no contact with your husband at all. Any contact should come through your lawyer. If you need to...get a restraining order or whatever they are called there. Let him have the dog. There are plenty of dogs in shelters who need a loving home. Save one.

 

I feel sorry for your husband...because you cheated...and I will not pretend to approve of what you have done...nor of you living with your boyfriend. What you have done is horrible....and your husband did not deserve to be treated the way you have treated him. Regardless...he should not have abused you...and that is on him.

 

I wish you the best....I hope you are happy in your new life. Stay safe.

[66Charger]

You don't feel you deserve it, because you dont.

 

You did not deserve to be physicaly assaulted and you X bf did not deserve to be cheated on. You are both who you are. Not sure the reason to post a update. Its a dirty story all the way around.

 

What a coincidence that there is a thread about cheating and murder. There but for the grace of God, go you.

 

Do you understand that?

[William]

Hey folks, I merged the past thread for context and, whoa, that thing looks like a banned member convention so, well, I guess you know what that means, right? Post to our guidelines and treat the thread starter who came back with their update with respect. Thanks so much and have good evening.

[Mr. Lucky]

The first thing I am concerned with is your safety. The others are right....file for divorce....and have no contact with your husband at all. Any contact should come through your lawyer.

 

I don't think they were married. Even less reason to have anything to do with him.

 

LilyAdore, you should be realistic about the problems that come when an A changes to a relationship in the open. Be strong, build a life for you. Hate to see you put all your eggs in the OM's basket...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LilyAdore]

You cheated. Not a fan. Sorry. You or your new guy will cheat again. If he cheated WITH you, then he'll cheat ON you. Glad you are out of the abusive relationship though.

 

Lol this is hilarious. You say either me or him will definitely cheat like its fact. Why on earth is it a fact that he'll cheat on me because he cheated with me? What nonsense. I know for I fact I won't. I'm as sure that he won't as anyone else can be of someone else - sure but not positive. He's never cheated in his life and treats me like a queen. And if he cheats? I will know it's not right and leave. Don't take whatever anger issues you have towards cheaters out on me thanks. My case wasn't out of boredom.

[LilyAdore]

I don't think they were married. Even less reason to have anything to do with him.

 

LilyAdore, you should be realistic about the problems that come when an A changes to a relationship in the open. Be strong, build a life for you. Hate to see you put all your eggs in the OM's basket...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm a bit confused why you think I'm putting all my eggs in one basket? Did you not read the part how I said I did all this stuff like start a new career and move to London by myself? If it doesn't work out I'll be fine.

[LilyAdore]

The first thing I am concerned with is your safety. The others are right....file for divorce....and have no contact with your husband at all. Any contact should come through your lawyer. If you need to...get a restraining order or whatever they are called there. Let him have the dog. There are plenty of dogs in shelters who need a loving home. Save one.

 

I feel sorry for your husband...because you cheated...and I will not pretend to approve of what you have done...nor of you living with your boyfriend. What you have done is horrible....and your husband did not deserve to be treated the way you have treated him. Regardless...he should not have abused you...and that is on him.

 

I wish you the best....I hope you are happy in your new life. Stay safe.

 

I wasn't married to the guy.

 

Dog is living with me from April

[Mrs. John Adams]

I stand corrected.....the thought still applies. No contact of any kind.

[LilyAdore]

You don't feel you deserve it, because you dont.

 

You did not deserve to be physicaly assaulted and you X bf did not deserve to be cheated on. You are both who you are. Not sure the reason to post a update. Its a dirty story all the way around.

 

What a coincidence that there is a thread about cheating and murder. There but for the grace of God, go you.

 

Do you understand that?

 

Yes I do understand that, but thanks for being super patronising!

 

I posted an update because this is an infidelity forum and it's a free damn country, thanks. It has worked out very well with honesty for all - I love how people are condemning the fact I cheated, did you not read my ex confessed to cheating on me twice??

 

I am happy and successful where I am now but thanks for only taking away that it's a 'dirty' story, feel like you've missed the point rather a lot.

[LilyAdore]

I stand corrected.....the thought still applies. No contact of any kind.

 

I'm getting my dog in April. I'm not gonna break contact and not have my dog back

[Mrs. John Adams]

Lily....let me ask you this....what is it you want from folks here at love shack?

Advice? Support?

 

People will give their opinions....and sometimes you have to decipher what you need and forget about the rest.

 

Being confrontational only causes folks to be defensive.

 

I did not read your other thread....so I made an error in assuming you were married. But my thought remains the same. Your safety is most important. Stay completely away from a man that would physically harm you.

 

As for your infidelity...his infidelity...etc......it is all wrong....so because he cheated....doesn't justify your cheating. You are both to blame.

 

It sounds like you are very happy in your new relationship. I wish you well.

[LilyAdore]

Lily....let me ask you this....what is it you want from folks here at love shack?

Advice? Support?

 

People will give their opinions....and sometimes you have to decipher what you need and forget about the rest.

 

Being confrontational only causes folks to be defensive.

 

I did not read your other thread....so I made an error in assuming you were married. But my thought remains the same. Your safety is most important. Stay completely away from a man that would physically harm you.

 

As for your infidelity...his infidelity...etc......it is all wrong....so because he cheated....doesn't justify your cheating. You are both to blame.

 

It sounds like you are very happy in your new relationship. I wish you well.

 

I'm not trying to be defensive, it's just frustrating that people seem to not actually read what I've written

 

I've said clearly I wasn't married

 

I've said clearly I've got help for my issues

 

I've said clearly my ex cheated too

 

I've said clearly OM gave me plenty of space and I stood on my own before working things out with him

 

And people continue to talk to me ignoring these things so what they're saying isn't even relevant so I have to correct them to actually have any discussion about my life at the moment

 

How is tosh like 'if he cheated with you he'll cheat on you' spouted like fact helpful to anyone? I'm sorry some people have some issues around cheaters but my ex cheated on me too and with more than one person so I'm hardly the only bad guy here, plus my current partner has never cheated in his life so what on earth gives people the idea they know this as fact?

 

what I wanted was for people to address and discuss the things I'm actually saying rather than filling in the blanks for themselves and flatly ignoring what I'm saying. Otherwise what is the point of me even posting? People keep saying incorrect things, when I say they're incorrect I'm being defensive so it's kinda hard for me to know what to say? Am I supposed to go along with the factually inaccurate stuff just because it's advice? I'm just correcting people because they keep telling me to get help and I've clearly said I've done this many many months ago

[Mrs. John Adams]

You should correct folks when they have your information wrong. I thank you for doing that. I did not read your first thread.

 

Let me ask you this.....What do you want them to discuss about your life?

 

Do you want advice? Do you just want to tell us what is happening....but you don't really want any input from us?

 

Do you want everyone to tell you...you are doing a great job?

 

Do you really expect that folks here will not tell you the truth in how they feel about your situation?

 

Cheating has played a big part in your young life so far....this is the INFIDELITY forum. That is what is going to be discussed. If you do not want it to be discussed any further....if you do not want people to tell you what to do....if you do not want others opinions.....then ask the moderator to lock your thread.

 

William combined your threads together....with a warning....that the first thread was borderline trouble....and to proceed with caution. This means....much confrontation...and he will lock it and ban folks.

 

I don't want to see folks get into trouble.