I've messed up my life so young - 25 year old woman stuck in affair [update]

June 11, 2015

It isn't that black and white. And he hasn't 'put up with my issues for five years' either. Believe me. Neither is my affair partner a loser or manipulative like some
other person KEEPS saying.

Loads of people keep bleating 'get counselling' and 'mental health isn't an excuse'. Do people love their own words so much they just like to preach without even reading? I said I have counselling and that I take responsibility a million times. People take in what they wanna read.

If I argue against someone cos they've said something untrue, I'm accused of not taking responsibility or bein in denial. So i have to either accept advise that is not based on the reality of my situation, or be told I'm in denial when I tell how it actually is. I don't mind strong words but not when it's based on inaccurate information! I mean what is the point?!

And to the people who keep telling me I need to sort myself out, what do you think I'm doing exactly? I'm doing everything I can to fix things but I have an illness there is only so much I can do to manage it. I never once said that's an excuse I said the opposite. But that doesn't change the fact that this isn't something I can just decide to be over and not feel suicidal tomorrow. To all the people saying I should tell my boyfriend, why are you unable to read that I said I will tell him if i choose him. I want to make a decision now so I don't know why everyone talks like I'm happy to string both along.

I was hoping for advice based on what I said, no reactionary advise based on people's preconceived notions of affairs and their own sensitive issues surrounding it. I have nowhere else to turn and I feel pretty close to giving up.

Thanks anyway. Even to the guy who said I'm sick and twisted. That'll be rolling around my obsessive anxious brain for awhile! I guess it makes you guys feel better to call me names? I cheated so I'm less that human now right?

Thanks, sincerely. Take care.

I know it's hard, but you have to ignore the harsher posts. People will often twist your words around on an online forum and it can be very frustrating. However, there are a lot of people here who want to help, not push you while you're down. Don't let the bad outweigh the good. People who say a mental illness is not an excuse for this or that, obviously don't know what it's like to deal with one. You just need to continue taking care of you and working on yourself. My concerns from your original post is that your bf is not understanding to the disorder you have. It's never going to go away. I think if your bf is not willing learn and help you with what you are going through, your relationship is not going to last. My husband suffers from severe depression and I suffer from anxiety. We have to demonstrate a lot of patience and understanding with each other. It's hard at times, but understanding allows us to deal with each other in a helpful manner.

June 11, 2015

Be careful in your choice, but make it soon.

Your OM may be a womanizer like you said.

That could hurt in the future.

Good luck to you.

June 11, 2015

People who say a mental illness is not an excuse for this or that, obviously don't know what it's like to deal with one.

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Disagree. Mental Health issues are not an excuse for cheating. Actually there is no excuse.

Just because her boyfriend wasn't the best boyfriend doesn't mean she should seek out emotional support from another man. (Which lead to physically cheating, no surprise to many as it usually starts as emotional adultery first.) People in committed relationships shouldn't do that. She should have reached out for support from family, same sex friends, or professionally from a doctor, or therapist.

To say otherwise wavers on blame shifting to the victim. Of course that is sometimes another aspect of mental health issues as well.

June 11, 2015

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Disagree. Mental Health issues are not an excuse for cheating. Actually there is no excuse.

Just because her boyfriend wasn't the best boyfriend doesn't mean she should seek out emotional support from another man. (Which lead to physically cheating, no surprise to many as it usually starts as emotional adultery first.) People in committed relationships shouldn't do that. She should have reached out for support from family, same sex friends, or professionally from a doctor, or therapist.

To say otherwise wavers on blame shifting to the victim. Of course that is sometimes another aspect of mental health issues as well.

I don't think Lily has ever blamed her A on her mental illness. She knows what she is done is wrong and that she needs to make a choice and she doesn't trust her own mind right now and is afraid she will make the wrong choice. She obviously needed more emotional support than she was getting when her OM came into the picture. Your suggestion to reach out for support is logical, however in Lily's case:

1) She does not have family support (she is cut off from her mother who is an alcoholic, dad has passed)

2) She has recently been hospitalized for her mental illness, so had the support from a professional/doctor recently. Due to the wonderful health care system in her country she only gets 2 hours of therapy once a month,

3) I don't know about her same sex friends, but she had a boy friend who was the closest person to her and did not provide her with the emotional support/understanding needed at that point.

4) She came here to LoveShack looking for some type of support/advice, but didn't find it

I really hope that Lily can get more counseling. If the health system in her country doesn't pay for it, I wonder if she could afford private therapy if that exists there. She is in a tough spot without much of a support system at all. OM provided her with emotional support and understanding she was lacking. I do hope that OM is sincere in his caring for her, I think only time will tell for sure. Although she loves her BF, he may not have been the right guy for her, but she is afraid to let go because he has been the only family unit and security she has had (just not the emotional support she also needs).

June 11, 2015

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Disagree. Mental Health issues are not an excuse for cheating. Actually there is no excuse.

Just because her boyfriend wasn't the best boyfriend doesn't mean she should seek out emotional support from another man. (Which lead to physically cheating, no surprise to many as it usually starts as emotional adultery first.) People in committed relationships shouldn't do that. She should have reached out for support from family, same sex friends, or professionally from a doctor, or therapist.

To say otherwise wavers on blame shifting to the victim. Of course that is sometimes another aspect of mental health issues as well.

I didn't word that correctly. I'm not saying that is an excuse to cheat. A person with bipolar disorder (especially if not treated correctly) will do impulsive and irrational things is what I was trying to point out. They hit extreme highs and extreme lows A mental illness is a lifelong battle. I think the OP needs to be in a relationship with a person who can be patient and understanding to her disorder. I'm not victim blaming as you would call it.

June 11, 2015

I don't think Lily has ever blamed her A on her mental illness. She knows what she is done is wrong and that she needs to make a choice and she doesn't trust her own mind right now and is afraid she will make the wrong choice. She obviously needed more emotional support than she was getting when her OM came into the picture. Your suggestion to reach out for support is logical, however in Lily's case:
1) She does not have family support (she is cut off from her mother who is an alcoholic, dad has passed)
2) She has recently been hospitalized for her mental illness, so had the support from a professional/doctor recently. Due to the wonderful health care system in her country she only gets 2 hours of therapy once a month,
3) I don't know about her same sex friends, but she had a boy friend who was the closest person to her and did not provide her with the emotional support/understanding needed at that point.
4) She came here to LoveShack looking for some type of support/advice, but didn't find it

I really hope that Lily can get more counseling. If the health system in her country doesn't pay for it, I wonder if she could afford private therapy if that exists there. She is in a tough spot without much of a support system at all. OM provided her with emotional support and understanding she was lacking. I do hope that OM is sincere in his caring for her, I think only time will tell for sure. Although she loves her BF, he may not have been the right guy for her, but she is afraid to let go because he has been the only family unit and security she has had (just not the emotional support she also needs).

I completely agree, but you've worded it a lot better than I could. I also believe the OP is scared as well. She's going through some scary stuff. I suffered with anxiety and panic my entire life, but I didn't know what was going on with me until I was about the OP's age. I thought something was wrong with me and that I wasn't normal. It took me years to find the right medication to keep my anxiety level at even flow.

June 11, 2015

I completely agree, but you've worded it a lot better than I could. I also believe the OP is scared as well. She's going through some scary stuff. I suffered with anxiety and panic my entire life, but I didn't know what was going on with me until I was about the OP's age. I thought something was wrong with me and that I wasn't normal. It took me years to find the right medication to keep my anxiety level at even flow.

Absolutely scary stuff. I have been trying to help my son deal with this for a year and it is not even close to being under control. My heart truly goes out to her and what she has to deal with. This is a life long illness to deal with as well. I agree with another statement you made. " I think the OP needs to be in a relationship with a person who can be patient and understanding to her disorder." Violet It sounds like she has few people she can turn to. I hope she comes back to the thread.

Violet1 - I am glad you were able to get your anxiety under control with medication. It gives me hope that someday, I will find the same for my son.

June 11, 2015

I don't think Lily has ever blamed her A on her mental illness. She knows what she is done is wrong and that she needs to make a choice and she doesn't trust her own mind right now and is afraid she will make the wrong choice. She obviously needed more emotional support than she was getting when her OM came into the picture. Your suggestion to reach out for support is logical, however in Lily's case:
1) She does not have family support (she is cut off from her mother who is an alcoholic, dad has passed)
2) She has recently been hospitalized for her mental illness, so had the support from a professional/doctor recently. Due to the wonderful health care system in her country she only gets 2 hours of therapy once a month,
3) I don't know about her same sex friends, but she had a boy friend who was the closest person to her and did not provide her with the emotional support/understanding needed at that point.
4) She came here to LoveShack looking for some type of support/advice, but didn't find it

I really hope that Lily can get more counseling. If the health system in her country doesn't pay for it, I wonder if she could afford private therapy if that exists there. She is in a tough spot without much of a support system at all. OM provided her with emotional support and understanding she was lacking. I do hope that OM is sincere in his caring for her, I think only time will tell for sure. Although she loves her BF, he may not have been the right guy for her, but she is afraid to let go because he has been the only family unit and security she has had (just not the emotional support she also needs).

I can tell you what you DON'T do to someone with a mental illness who has indicated that they may become suicidal: You don't make drive by slamming comments and call derogatory names. That can have dire consequences. And someone may tell themselves "It wasn't me; they cheated and it's on them," but personally, if I slammed someone to sooth my own triggers and then found out they did something rash, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

As a side note, I am not myself depressed, on an edge, or suicidal. I am pointing out that it is possible to hold a person responsible for their choices without being an ass.

June 11, 2015

...or be a tucked-away mistress / plaything to a married man you have the hots for.

The OM is single.

June 11, 2015

I have two purposes in this post—(1) my own suggestions for your situation and (2) suggestions for handling some of the inflammatory posts.

(1) your situation

First, I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time and hope you are getting good medical support and are following it. I think everyone's heart goes out to you and wants you to do the right thing by you and those who are now affected by your actions because they have deep feelings for you.

My own advice would be that, first of all, take care of yourself and stay close to your doctors and caregivers. Surely you can petition for a different counselor of your choosing. No? Is that not possible in your health system? I should think that would be key to your stability and happiness.

Second, I would want to gently remind you that you have two issues complicating your efforts to sort out which of your thoughts, perceptions and impulses are reliable—one is the possible interference from the chemical imbalance you must struggle against; the other is the interference from what is often referred to here as "affair fog" which dumps its own share of hormonal interference on the brain.

And with that in mind, I'd also urge you to try and think dispassionately about what your commitment is to your boyfriend and not damage your own sense of conscience. Do you feel that he is disrespected by your withholding the nature of your other relationship from him? Does he assume that you are faithful to him? Do you feel that you are ignoring your own values by not telling him?

I am not asking rhetorically but sincerely and for the sake of your personal integrity, which is important for you to maintain equilibrium. It's much harder to stay healthy and strong when you feel internal conflict about what's important to you. You're making it harder on yourself to deal with reality and life—what's important and what's true, why people do and say things to each other and what you can depend on.

(3) inflammatory posts

I'm not talking about posts that are critical of your actions. Of course, it's hard to read posts these posts, but they are usually not intentionally cruel or intended solely "to attack those who are already hurting."

I'm talking about posts that become personal and go off-topic. I would like to encourage you to ignore advice that intentionally piques or strokes your ego. In my experience, both the sympathetic as well as the disapproving posts can be helpful when based on credible information provided by the OP. Exaggerated personal compliments to you, however, may actually be as confusing as the personal attacks on other posters are baseless and destructive. The former may appear supportive at first, but the whole approach is polarizing and creates enormous distraction from your thread.

It's worse, in my opinion, to accuse people you don't know of heartless indifference, cruelty, etc. No one is indifferent to the tragedy of attempted and to imply such is actually more absurd than it is negative. In fact, THAT kind of remark is what will foment more dissension, divisiveness and distraction and ruin your thread.

Lily, There are many people on this site who are just bitter, mean and cruel. They somehow think they are better than everyone else and cannot wait to tear into someone that they feel is beneath them. There is only one final judgement in this life and they are not it, no matter how much they think they have a right to be. There but for the grace of God go I.

You reached out for support, for some honest advice and you got sarcasm and cruelty. For that I am sorry. The people who have done that have been damaged and have no empathy for others. Honestly, I don't know why many of them keep coming back here, just to attack those who are already hurting I guess. Even though you have attempted suicide, the people who attack do not care. Who among us on LoveShack can truly say we have lived without sin, that we are so perfect that we can attack another human while they are down? ZERO

Following the advice to go live on your own, is easier for people who have a family to turn to. I really do wish I could reach out to you right now, especially since the mean words that have been directed at you, and cannot be taken back, are hurting you.

Lily, My heart goes out to you, and even though you may have disappeared from this thread and not read this, I sincerely hope that you do.

I can tell by your own response and empathy you had for my situation with my own son who has bipolar that your are a good and decent person who is confused. In this case you are a young lady, who does not have, nor has ever had family support, she finds herself with mental illness and is confused about her feelings for two people, and they just attack.

You are better than that Lily. I am sorry for your situation. I do not think you are evil or bad. You are lost and people should watch their words and their manners when replying to you and not take out their own anger. You are a compassionate young lady who has offered to help me when dealing with my own son who is struggling with bipolar even when you already have difficulties of your own.

You will figure out the right path for you. I can understand why you would be scared to break it off with both men. You have no other support, no family to speak of. It does not sound like you have that. You do need a support system. I really do not think your boyfriend is the one for you. You need someone who is more understanding of mental illness. I realize you love him, but is that type of love enough to see you through? I would send you a Private Message, but because you are new, that capability does not seem to be there for you. I think you have to have like 100 replies before that happens.

As the OP, you should get the advice, support AND constructive criticism you deserve. I hope you take the high road here, acknowledging what's relevant and rejecting what's not.

June 11, 2015

Bipolar disease is serious stuff. Having a partner who refuses to believe it is real would never work in the long term.

Also, having affairs can be a symptom of the manic phase in many people. Not saying that is the case here, but it frequently is.

June 11, 2015

I can tell you what you DON'T do to someone with a mental illness who has indicated that they may become suicidal: You don't make drive by slamming comments and call derogatory names. That can have dire consequences. And someone may tell themselves "It wasn't me; they cheated and it's on them," but personally, if I slammed someone to sooth my own triggers and then found out they did something rash, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

As a side note, I am not myself depressed, on an edge, or suicidal. I am pointing out that it is possible to hold a person responsible for their choices without being an ass.

Well said Autumnight! I certainly hope Lily is ok.

June 11, 2015

I'm talking about posts that become personal and go off-topic. I would like to encourage you to ignore advice that intentionally piques or strokes your ego. In my experience, both the sympathetic as well as the disapproving posts can be helpful when based on credible information provided by the OP. Exaggerated personal compliments to you, however, may actually be as confusing as the personal attacks on other posters are baseless and destructive. The former may appear supportive at first, but the whole approach is polarizing and creates enormous distraction from your thread.

It's worse, in my opinion, to accuse people you don't know of heartless indifference, cruelty, etc. No one is indifferent to the tragedy of attempted and to imply such is actually more absurd than it is negative. In fact, THAT kind of remark is what will foment more dissension, divisiveness and distraction and ruin your thread.

I'd love to explore this.

June 11, 2015

Bipolar disease is serious stuff. Having a partner who refuses to believe it is real would never work in the long term.

Also, having affairs can be a symptom of the manic phase in many people. Not saying that is the case here, but it frequently is.

I have heard that hyper sexuality is a symptom. I have an ex-boyfriend who's bipolar. He had sex with a married woman when he was on a mission for his church. I'm not excusing his actions or blaming the disorder, but this occurred before he was diagnosed.

June 11, 2015

I have two purposes in this post—(1) my own suggestions for your situation and (2) suggestions for handling some of the inflammatory posts.

(1) your situation
First, I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time and hope you are getting good medical support and are following it. I think everyone's heart goes out to you and wants you to do the right thing by you and those who are now affected by your actions because they have deep feelings for you.

My own advice would be that, first of all, take care of yourself and stay close to your doctors and caregivers. Surely you can petition for a different counselor of your choosing. No? Is that not possible in your health system? I should think that would be key to your stability and happiness.

Second, I would want to gently remind you that you have two issues complicating your efforts to sort out which of your thoughts, perceptions and impulses are reliable—one is the possible interference from the chemical imbalance you must struggle against; the other is the interference from what is often referred to here as "affair fog" which dumps its own share of hormonal interference on the brain.

And with that in mind, I'd also urge you to try and think dispassionately about what your commitment is to your boyfriend and not damage your own sense of conscience. Do you feel that he is disrespected by your withholding the nature of your other relationship from him? Does he assume that you are faithful to him? Do you feel that you are ignoring your own values by not telling him?

I am not asking rhetorically but sincerely and for the sake of your personal integrity, which is important for you to maintain equilibrium. It's much harder to stay healthy and strong when you feel internal conflict about what's important to you. You're making it harder on yourself to deal with reality and life—what's important and what's true, why people do and say things to each other and what you can depend on.

(3) inflammatory posts
I'm not talking about posts that are critical of your actions. Of course, it's hard to read posts these posts, but they are usually not intentionally cruel or intended solely "to attack those who are already hurting."

I'm talking about posts that become personal and go off-topic. I would like to encourage you to ignore advice that intentionally piques or strokes your ego. In my experience, both the sympathetic as well as the disapproving posts can be helpful when based on credible information provided by the OP. Exaggerated personal compliments to you, however, may actually be as confusing as the personal attacks on other posters are baseless and destructive. The former may appear supportive at first, but the whole approach is polarizing and creates enormous distraction from your thread.

It's worse, in my opinion, to accuse people you don't know of heartless indifference, cruelty, etc. No one is indifferent to the tragedy of attempted and to imply such is actually more absurd than it is negative. In fact, THAT kind of remark is what will foment more dissension, divisiveness and distraction and ruin your thread.

As the OP, you should get the advice, support AND constructive criticism you deserve. I hope you take the high road here, acknowledging what's relevant and rejecting what's not.

To your first part of your reply about the OP's situation. Part #1 I agree 100% Great reply. Wish it was one of the first ones she read in her thread. Not sure she will be back to read that, but I totally agree.

To your second part of your reply (you listed it as #3) which was about my responses to the OP. You stated that not only was my reply not helpful, it was harmful. Your statement was; "I would like to encourage you to ignore advice that intentionally piques or strokes your ego. In my experience, both the sympathetic as well as the disapproving posts can be helpful when based on credible information provided by the OP. Exaggerated personal compliments to you, however, may actually be as confusing as the personal attacks on other posters are baseless and destructive. The former may appear supportive at first, but the whole approach is polarizing and creates enormous distraction from your thread." As far as I can tell I do not feel like I tried to stroke her ego. I was however sympathetic to her. The sympathy was directed at her having to deal with mental illness, not having supports and because of replies that were attacking. These are the words I used to describe OP in those two posts: empathetic, decent, confused, not evil or bad, lost, compassionate. I do not see anything else that was given as a personal compliment. I do think she demonstrated that she was empathetic and compassionate when speaking to me about my own son. I see nothing wrong in telling her she is decent, not evil or bad, and compassionate.

As far as this statement; "It's worse, in my opinion, to accuse people you don't know of heartless indifference, cruelty, etc."

I did not name anyone specifically, I said, "some people". I said the posts were sarcastic and cruel, and if you read them, you would have thought so as well. The moderated deleted them, or took them out of people's posts and left was was helpful from the post. The moderator also edited my post and left what he felt was reasonable. If you just read the posts as they currently are, my response doesn't make too much sense as all the posts currently, do not appear sarcastic or cruel.

If you read Lily's post #42 you can see how those deleted posts effected her. Someone referred to her as sick and twisted. Perhaps in your eyes this is more helpful than someone saying that she is compassionate, decent, and empathetic.

I really do hope the OP returns to read the first part of your post, as it is one of the most helpful I have read so far.

June 11, 2015

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Disagree. Mental Health issues are not an excuse for cheating. Actually there is no excuse.

Just because her boyfriend wasn't the best boyfriend doesn't mean she should seek out emotional support from another man. (Which lead to physically cheating, no surprise to many as it usually starts as emotional adultery first.) People in committed relationships shouldn't do that. She should have reached out for support from family, same sex friends, or professionally from a doctor, or therapist.

To say otherwise wavers on blame shifting to the victim. Of course that is sometimes another aspect of mental health issues as well.

And kleptomaniacs shouldn't steal, drug addicts shouldn't use drugs, autism sufferers shouldn't get agitated, etc.

Except they do.

The insidious part of mental illness is its effect on judgement, reason and understanding. So the rational approach you're proposing isn't a real-time or real-world alternative. That's the problem...

Mr. Lucky

June 11, 2015

I have heard that hyper sexuality is a symptom. I have an ex-boyfriend who's bipolar. He had sex with a married woman when he was on a mission for his church. I'm not excusing his actions or blaming the disorder, but this occurred before he was diagnosed.

Yes - and promiscuity is a symptom many times too. It is part of the impulsiveness of the manic phase. It is VERY real. The lack of judgement and ability to make good decisions is classic.

You can't 'blame' the disorder per se, but you can't ignore it either, because it is a contributing factor in may cases.

June 12, 2015

Be careful with this diagnosis.

There is a chance that there is something else going on that isn't necessarily bipolar disorder.

I think sometimes that's just the easy diagnosis.

June 12, 2015

Be careful with this diagnosis.

There is a chance that there is something else going on that isn't necessarily bipolar disorder.

I think sometimes that's just the easy diagnosis.

Bipolar is actually a really hard diagnosis. It is frequently diagnosed initially as major depression (like in the OP's case) because the manic phase wasn't reported or noted at first and/or because depression phases preceded the manic phases by years.

It can take years to get a correct diagnosis but once someone is diagnosed as bipolar, then a lot of boxes have had to be checked.

I've seen patients with bipolar disorder in the manic phase and there really is no mistaking it.

June 12, 2015

I was diagnosed in under 15 minutes and I'm no more bipolar than a, I don't know? tomato?

That diagnosis ****ed up my life for a good 10 years.

All because I had a GP who was a pill/antidepressant pusher.

June 12, 2015

I was diagnosed in under 15 minutes and I'm no more bipolar than a, I don't know? tomato?

That diagnosis ****ed up my life for a good 10 years.

All because I had a GP who was a pill/antidepressant pusher.

But you were misdiagnosed, correct? Is that what you are saying?

June 12, 2015

Yes, and I think misdiagnosis happens frequently. Especially with women.

June 12, 2015

I hope this is helpful to OP and general understanding to reply to this response to my other post about personal attacks or compliments. In an effort to respect moderator corrections and for clarity, I want to stick with what's valid and what's not in a way that's helpful to OP.

... second part of your reply (you listed it as #3) which was about my responses to the OP. As far as I can tell I do not feel like I tried to stroke her ego. I was however sympathetic to her. ... The sympathy was directed at her having to deal with mental illness, not having supports and because of replies that were attacking.

Lily, I hope you're getting some help from this thread you started. Your candor in discussing your recent diagnosis is a benefit to all and I bow my head to your trust and vulnerability in sharing it. Personally, I assume good will from most posters until proven otherwise and thought you were getting some hard but good advice. Maybe I missed some of the extra hard ones; maybe they got edited out. But I felt that a post that supported you by denigrating other posters was not good support. When all is said and done, if you needed sympathy and that was accomplished, well and good. I'm confused now about what I saw and what I didn't since there was a lot of editing in between but would like to explain why I said what I said. I think it could be helpful to you in the long run. If you don't have time or energy for such detail, that's understandable, too. I'll never know where you stopped reading!

So one of my points was that being excessively personal, even in a positive way, is just as off-topic and unhelpful as being negative if it's not supported with examples—what I meant by "stroking the ego. The compliments have to be true and credible to the person in need or they become meaningless. On first read, it seemed like Babs' 'strokes' were merely intended to counter or equal the number of (perceived) 'slaps' you'd received. Main thing was I couldn't see how she knew so much about you and thought that ungrounded superlatives as confusing as negative attacks and criticism, that you should hear what's demonstrable and TRUE to believe it.

Well, that was the point, but now I don't know what I read! Between the changes from separating into two parts and whatever the moderator did, hey, the missing context showed up after all—explanations and examples of your truly difficult situation, being without family and your reciprocal support, offering words of condolences to others, etc.—that totally fit with the kind things she said. I don't know why the polarizing effect between the extreme negatives and extreme positives that stood out for me on first read isn't there now, but you do deserve sympathy and validation; that is not in question.

Next, the negative attacks. Apparently there were "sarcastic and cruel" posts that I didn't see, and I do see from your post #42 how awful you felt about it. I'm sad that happened and agree that you absolutely did NOT deserve to suffer insults.

But attacking negative attacks with more negative attacks cancels out the effort. Even Babs agreed that the moderator "left what he felt was reasonable" after editing because these assertions about all, many or even some 'people on this site are NOT reasonable and are NOT helpful to you:

There are many people on this site who are just bitter, mean and cruel.
They somehow think they are better than everyone else and cannot wait to tear into someone that they feel is beneath them.
The people who have done that have been damaged and have no empathy for others.
Even though you have attempted suicide, the people who attack do not care.

It is not helpful to try and destroy someone's critics by attacking them personally with statements of personal opinion. How did this help you?

I think that it's easier to see another post as "personal" and and "attack" than our own. William defined it —

... We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. ... Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread.

June 12, 2015

he never crossed the line.

Of course he did. He had an affair with you.

OM is being quite cold sometimes because it hurts him I'm with someone else.

You THINK he's being cold because he's jealous. He probably TOLD you that. He's a womanizer, remember?

OM wants me to move across the country with him.

ALL OM say that. It's how they get the women to give up the vagina. Womanizers KNOW that women will typically only cheat when they think they're falling in love. So they make the women THINK they are falling in love.

he has messed around a lot in his life, his ex describes him as a womaniser. But at the same time I'm pretty sure he's faithful to me - he is also in a I can't believe my luck type way with me,

You THINK he is in that way because that is what you SEE from him. He's a serial cheater. What's the one thing serial cheaters do best? They LIE.

I think I want them both and am afraid to be alone.

And here is the truth of your problem.

You don't know how to be alone. You soothe yourself by being WANTED by men. You don't know how to soothe YOURSELF.

Therapy will help with that.

And fwiw, you're too young to be saddled with one guy. Just be single. Learn to be ok by yourself. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn to solve your own problems and not NEED a man in your life.

Only then will you be able to find the RIGHT man.

June 12, 2015

Yes, and I think misdiagnosis happens frequently. Especially with women.

Her diagnosis and the process that led to it is classic. It wasn't a "15 minute" diagnosis like you described. I read two lines of the OP and was instantly thinking 'bipolar disease'. A manic episode is almost always how it is diagnosed. There is a gender bias but it is too complicated to get into.

That said, I don't know what you have gone through of course, and no one can 'diagnose' the OP from what she said, no matter how classic it sounds.

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I've messed up my life so young - 25 year old woman stuck in affair [update]

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