I've messed up my life so young - 25 year old woman stuck in affair [update]

June 10, 2015

Leave your boyfriend since there is nothing between you too. Then you have to re-evaluate you relationship with your womanized old man. In my opinion, I think the Old man knew your problem and wanted to take advantage of your vulnerability hoping that you will not say no. There are people who hunt vulnerable people. But once you are with them, they devalue you and make your life a living hell since they know you will never have the courage to leave, because he will do whatever it takes to make you believe that you have issues and no one could love you. You will be trapped. So think twice. But you relationship with your bf is over. Be honest and set him free.

Hi thanks for your words

I do agree with you about the vulnerability issue. However I am so sure this is not the case with OM. He didn't know about it at the start, I opened up over time and he is extremely supportive. He doesn't push me to do anything either way and he makes me feel like a person not a patient. He is always telling me my illness can be managed and I'm stronger than I think I am. He is always telling me good things about me and believes that I can follow my dreams. In that sense, I don't really think he will ever 'trap' me because he makes me feel the opposite of unloveable. Makes me feel worthy of love which I haven't felt in a long time. Once we're apart though, the guilt obviously creeps in. I also don't believe he is a womaniser. Especially considering the source. I know other women he has dated and they say nothing but great things about him.

June 10, 2015

The general agreement is that people in the situation you describe yourself as being in should make dealing with their illness the highest priority. If you BF can learn to support you in doing that, great, but if he refuses to do so and that's standing in the way of you getting better, well, you can draw the obvious conclusion. By the same token until you have your illness under control you aren't really in a position to make good judgments about your other relationship either, and in particular whether you should follow him across the country.

Take care of yourself first. Once you've done that, the rest will be a lot clearer.

I'm starting to think you're right. I just hope I can grow up and get the strength. Thanks

June 10, 2015

Wouldn't you guess your BF would say the same thing about you - "don't think she'd cheat"?

You've handled a difficult situation poorly though don't know how much your illness affects the way you see things. At the very least, exit your current relationship with your BF, both your words and choices make it pretty clear not a future there. Let him go...

Mr. Lucky

My boyfriend sees me as an unstable mess so probably he wouldn't be so surprised, just hurt. I know you're probably right I just love him still and wonder if we could be happy again once I am a bit more together. But how can I even consider that a possibility when I love OM?!

If I stay with bf I will tell him the truth I've decided. Even if he leaves me as a result

June 10, 2015

If you do decide to leave, leave because you want to for yourself, not because this older man wants you to or is telling you that you should.

Also, if you do decide to go, before you do make sure that you have your mental health care set up so that once you arrive, you will have someone you can go to immediately should you have a problem. You do not want to be stressed out and in a bad place in a new city with no one to turn to for support but this older man.That would leave you dependent and vulnerable.

June 10, 2015

Do the right thing & dump your boyfriend. You don't love him. It's morally wrong for you to be in a relationship with him. He deserves to be with someone who has enough integrity to be faithful to him or break up before looking for love from another guy.

June 10, 2015

Thanks for your advice. I don't need to seek counselling - I have psychotherapy. However I'm English and this is on the NHS. I have a two hour session every month and it's extremely basic. It's all about coping with emotions at the moment there hasn't been time to even mention my past yet, apart from in the referral the doctors made while I was in the psych ward having attempted suicide. Sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if I had succeeded, no one hurt and maybe ending the cycle of misery my family has had. But I also think that's very self-pitying and I should have the courage to face things. People have it a lot worse.

He's really not a loser, I am the loser. He is well-respected, well-educated, financially established, good father...he didn't know I was with someone at the start and he held off a long time and was very respectful. We fell in love before anything physical happened. I don't think he would do the same to me based on the things I believe he wants and the things he feels but I guess you never know for sure with anyone.

My daughter committed suicide. Its never the answer. I understand you feel you deserve some level of punishment but you have been given the chance to learn and to better yourself. Why not take full advantage of that. Life is not about mistakes and failures. Its about loving and caring and respect for people. You need more than a couple hours a month to help address these core issues.

You came here looking for advice so why not give yourself a chance and take it. Lets be honest even if your current relationship is over with why not still try to better yourself. This is your chance to be honest and decent and you want to be treated as well. You will have to push yourself hard but in the long run its more than worth it.

Well respected intelligent men don't willing destroy peoples lives. Even if he didn't know about your boyfriend prior to any of this once he learned he should have done the decent thing and ended things with you. Your only convincing yourself he is a great man.

I am a father and I would never set out to hurt anyone for my own gain. Its not in me to do so. Once again your just putting this loser back up on a pedestal. The sooner you realize you need to get out of this and seek help for yourself the better off you will be.

Your not a kid anymore so stop playing games with people and own your mistakes and learn from them.

Clay

June 10, 2015

You have zero right to keep what you did from your boyfriend. Mental illness is no excuse to cheat and betray. Be honest with him so he can rightfully dump you. Then you can be with the piece of crap you cheated with.

Also YES, the guy you are cheating with is 100% a loser. Even if at the START he didn't know you were with someone, he obviously does now. So nah, he is 100% slime. Don't act like he is anything else, it is disrespectful to your boyfriend. A good parent doesn't knowingly stay in a relationship with someone who is involved.

Edited June 10, 2015 by Spectre

June 10, 2015

My boyfriend sees me as an unstable mess so probably he wouldn't be so surprised, just hurt. I know you're probably right I just love him still and wonder if we could be happy again once I am a bit more together. But how can I even consider that a possibility when I love OM?!

If I stay with bf I will tell him the truth I've decided. Even if he leaves me as a result

Your description of your BF and your relationship with him sounds a lot like me and my relationship with my wife during the years before we were married. We were probably less close than you and your BF - something more than just friends but nowhere near committed - but there was the same "I'm really wild about her but she scares the heck out of me" dynamic. I wish I had understood more about what she was going through and that we had been able to talk more openly and honestly about what was going on.

I hope you are able to help your BF understand what is going on with you now, but the most important thing is that he understand your mental condition and your need for emotional support from him, not your involvement with the OM. I'm not saying that you shouldn't tell him, just that it may not be the most important thing on the agenda now.

June 10, 2015

I'll be fairly direct here. If my wife were going through what the OP is going through, with me in the role of the not-terribly-helpful boyfriend, and if she was having an A with someone who was providing her the emotional support that she wasn't getting from me, I would want her to do exactly what I suggested the OP do with her BF. And when she eventually told me about the OM, which I would hope would be sooner rather than later, I hope I would have the good sense to regard it as an unfortunate consequence of illness and not as a "massive betrayal." But mostly I would hope that she would do whatever it took to get herself better, because without that she's not going to have a good relationship with me, her theoretical OM, or anybody else.

June 10, 2015

I'll be fairly direct here. If my wife were going through what the OP is going through, with me in the role of the not-terribly-helpful boyfriend, and if she was having an A with someone who was providing her the emotional support that she wasn't getting from me, I would want her to do exactly what I suggested the OP do with her BF. And when she eventually told me about the OM, which I would hope would be sooner rather than later, I hope I would have the good sense to regard it as an unfortunate consequence of illness and not as a "massive betrayal." But mostly I would hope that she would do whatever it took to get herself better, because without that she's not going to have a good relationship with me, her theoretical OM, or anybody else.

I think that is way cool and very progressive of you. More men should be understanding the way you are. I'm going to do my best to be this accommodating and thoughtful in my next relationship.

June 10, 2015

I know you're probably right I just love him still and wonder if we could be happy again once I am a bit more together. But how can I even consider that a possibility when I love OM?!

You've pretty much answered your own question - You can't.

And if you care for your BF at all, you'll realize that basically keeping him as a spare in case your OM doesn't work out is an inhumane thing to do. If you do indeed "just love him", let him go find happiness...

Mr. Lucky

June 10, 2015

When I say 'stuck' I do know it's all my own doing, I just don't know how to get out. This will be a long story, my first time confessing sorry.

I'm 25, a graduate, good job in law, boyfriend of 5 years who I live with, great social life. But I've screwed it all up. Behind it all for some reason I was never happy.

I started to change last summer when I started being very energetic and erratic and impulsive. It got to the point that work was suspicious I was on something as I was so excitable. To me it was great, but I don't remember much I guess I was not in my right mind. Later, I fell into a deep depression. Some of you may see where this is going! I was so depressed that work were more convinced I was on something, because now I was suddenly practically catatonic. I ended up self-harming and eventually attempting suicide. I was referred to the doctors and was signed off with depression. Unfortunately I didn't tell them about the previous excitable thing and my depression meds triggered another full-blown manic episode - yep, turns out I am Bi-polar.

This rollercoaster ride of being off work, crazy emotions, meds screwing with me left me feeling drained, and then just numb and worthless. I felt unloveable. I felt worthless for being off work. My boyfriend loves me so much but he doesn't think mental illness is real, and he refused to even read up on it. I felt guilty and like a big burden. He would get mad at me when I was depressed. He didn't know what to do and it put a big strain on him. I felt so guilty.

Months later I came back to work. Very broken feeling and perhaps a bit early. One of my colleagues asked me for a drink and told me he liked me. I was shocked as I felt so worthless, how could he like me? He said all the right things, like I was beautiful and he recognised all these things in me that most people don't see, talked openly about my illness, encouraged me to follow the dreams that my OH thinks are silly. I was also very flattered - this man is older, extremely attractive and desired by the women in my office, well educated, great job. I was stunned that he liked me. I told him nothing could happen but I wanted it to so badly.

He was respectful. He said we could be friends and he never crossed the line. I found myself opening up to him and he was a great support during my recovery and managing my illness. And one day it just went further and since then we've been having an affair. The sex was unbelievable. After, we would talk for hours and hours and he told me he felt a sense of belonging when he was with me.

But now I'm caught up in guilt and anxiety all the time. OM is being quite cold sometimes because it hurts him I'm with someone else. I'm short with my partner because I feel so awful and guilty all the time that I push him away. OM wants me to move across the country with him. Sometimes I think a new life would be great, others I can't bear to leave the life I have - what if it all goes wrong and the grass isn't greener? What if this is influenced by my somewhat unstable mental state at the moment?

I know I haven't got much time left before I have to make a choice. There are things that concern me about OM - he has messed around a lot in his life, his ex describes him as a womaniser. But at the same time I'm pretty sure he's faithful to me - he is also in a I can't believe my luck type way with me, possibly because I'm younger. There are things that concern me about my partner too - the fact we don't have sex, and the fact he isn't interested in what I've been through. And the sad truth is I think I want them both and am afraid to be alone.

Any advice at all would be appreciated. I can't believe I have made my situation even worse by making these bad decisions. I feel like a truly awful and selfish person and I don't deserve anyone's love. How can I break the cycle? I am also concerned if I end it with OM, he might tell colleagues or my partner. Please help.

The beginning of your post is eluding to you being altered and coworkers being suspicious of you being on drugs. Have you taken drugs that would be cause for concern? You don't really admit to anything - so clarity is helpful.

And how can you break the cycle? You be only on your own for a long time - in order to get healthy yourself!

The focus should be on getting healthy and solid boundaries for yourself.

June 11, 2015

I don't know if it is over between me and my boyfriend. The reason we weren't having sex was because of me and my health and now it's dragged on so long it's become an issue.

You have a lot more issues between you than sex. And there are probably lots of resentment, too.

I know you are probably right and I should leave. This will sound so awful but I don't want to be alone right now. I don't have family really (a lot of the reason I think my illness escalated is that I never dealt with a lot of my issues properly - cut out my alcoholic mother, father died two years later, brother was killed in a fight, I got badly assaulted as a student, blah blah). I'm scared about causing so much disruption in my life when I'm only just coming back to 'Earth' after this bad time.

I know my boyfriend loves me and will be there for me in his own way. And I repay him like this, I feel terrible. Sometimes we share a laugh and I feel really close to him. Other times I get that feeling with OM. I don't feel strong enough to walk away, I feel I should choose one or the other.

Using people as crutches is neither fair nor decent. And, it ultimately allows you to continue being weak because you know you have someone to prop you up. This is your mind and body, so take it seriously. Learn to control your chemistry and your own life. THEN add a man into your life, when you are on solid footing with yourself. Rght now, you're choosing which lifeboat to use. Be your own lifeboat. You'll have to be, eventually, might as well learn how to now. Edited June 11, 2015 by norajane

June 11, 2015

I really don't know what I want, I can honestly see myself being with both men. Which obviously is ridiculous and selfish. I just want to make a clear headed decision but I don't trust my own head.

If it isn't a clear and easy choice between them, neither is a good choice.

June 11, 2015

Meanwhile, Lily, did you know that if you click on a member's name in their post and go to their profile, there is a menu titled "User lists"? Click on that and you can add that member to your ignore list. I've never tried it but it sounds like it might be a useful feature.

June 11, 2015

Lily don't be upset with people here ,this topic strikes a nerve with and most of the people in this forum they are telling you from experience, do you really think your A.P would put up with you on a daily basis it's all fun and games when you don't have to be with someone 24/7 stop giving your A.P energy you should be giving your boyfriend , he has put up with your issues for 5 years Give him a choice because you choose to cheat at least give him that respect

June 11, 2015

Lily don't be upset with people here ,this topic strikes a nerve with and most of the people in this forum they are telling you from experience, do you really think your A.P would put up with you on a daily basis it's all fun and games when you don't have to be with someone 24/7 stop giving your A.P energy you should be giving your boyfriend , he has put up with your issues for 5 years Give him a choice because you choose to cheat at least give him that respect

It isn't that black and white. And he hasn't 'put up with my issues for five years' either. Believe me. Neither is my affair partner a loser or manipulative like some

other person KEEPS saying.

Loads of people keep bleating 'get counselling' and 'mental health isn't an excuse'. Do people love their own words so much they just like to preach without even reading? I said I have counselling and that I take responsibility a million times. People take in what they wanna read.

If I argue against someone cos they've said something untrue, I'm accused of not taking responsibility or bein in denial. So i have to either accept advise that is not based on the reality of my situation, or be told I'm in denial when I tell how it actually is. I don't mind strong words but not when it's based on inaccurate information! I mean what is the point?!

And to the people who keep telling me I need to sort myself out, what do you think I'm doing exactly? I'm doing everything I can to fix things but I have an illness there is only so much I can do to manage it. I never once said that's an excuse I said the opposite. But that doesn't change the fact that this isn't something I can just decide to be over and not feel suicidal tomorrow. To all the people saying I should tell my boyfriend, why are you unable to read that I said I will tell him if i choose him. I want to make a decision now so I don't know why everyone talks like I'm happy to string both along.

I was hoping for advice based on what I said, no reactionary advise based on people's preconceived notions of affairs and their own sensitive issues surrounding it. I have nowhere else to turn and I feel pretty close to giving up.

Thanks anyway. Even to the guy who said I'm sick and twisted. That'll be rolling around my obsessive anxious brain for awhile! I guess it makes you guys feel better to call me names? I cheated so I'm less that human now right?

Thanks, sincerely. Take care.

June 11, 2015

You're cheating on your significant other. Period.

You can probably start by breaking contact with the affair partner until you've resolved the situation with the guy you've committed yourself to

Edited June 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 11, 2015

If you think you'd have a better future with your OM, then break up with your boyfriend and go for it.

Might as do it while you're not married. You don't have kids, so you're not disrupting their lives.

There aren't as many single OM . Men don't usually put up with that crap for too long , so maybe your OM really does love you.

It will then leave your BF free to move on .

June 11, 2015

Do your boyfriend a favor and break up with him. Might sound cruel but I advise people to avoid any type of personal or intimate relationship with bipolar individuals. Their minds are simply too ****ed up. And this is coming from someone whose father (and most likely my sister) have the disease. Not to mention having to deal with them repeatedly in my line of work (health care). That's just my personal opinion though. Good luck to you.

Edited June 11, 2015 by JS84

June 11, 2015

Sounds like you have two evils to choose between: Dump your boyfriend who, according to you, has scant few good qualities, or be a tucked-away mistress / plaything to a married man you have the hots for.

You don't love your boyfriend. You may think you do but you don't. I was being fecetious in my prior posts by telling you you should dump him because he was no good, hoping that I could get you to stand up for him and defend him. But you didn't.

That to me speaks volumes about how you regard him. Be kind and tell him the truth and let him go.

June 11, 2015

People have told you to focus on yourself. I would agree, and I would agree that focusing on yourself would probably require you to end at least your relationship with your boyfriend, and probably with both men.

Your boyfriend doesn't understand your mental issues. I totally get that because it was me. My former wife was suffering from anxiety, depression and undiagnosed BPD. I really didn't get it. I tried to be supportive, but I wasn't emotionally supportive. So she found that emotional support from her OM. And because of her mental health issues, she like you had very poor boundaries and allowed that emotional support to become a full fledged affair.

You are lucky that you are not married with kids. Her decisions not only devastated my life, but our 3 kids and OM family as well. When people tell you to leave your boyfriend, it's because we've all lived it. Seriously, end your relationship with your boyfriend and let him find someone that doesn't treat him the way you have treated him. Even though he didn't understand your issues, it gives you no right to stray from your committed relationship.

Also as victims, many of us don't really feel the same level of admiration for the OM as you obviously do. I believe you might be doing some splitting with your two relationships and feel that OM is all good and your BF is all bad. If you were to step back and see it from an outside perspective you'd probably see what we all see and that is the OM probably did pray on your vulnerability to get what he wanted and he really isn't that great of a person as you make him out to be.

You seem like you realize you made a huge mistake with your choices and your initial question was to get out of the mess you made. Many people have answered that. The answer is simply End your relationship with your boyfriend and focus on your own issues.

Good Luck.

Edited June 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 11, 2015

Lily,

My heart goes out to you, and even though you may have disappeared from this thread and not read this, I sincerely hope that you do. There are many people on this site who are just bitter, mean and cruel. They somehow think they are better than everyone else and cannot wait to tear into someone that they feel is beneath them. There is only one final judgement in this life and they are not it, no matter how much they think they have a right to be. There but for the grace of God go I.

I can tell by your own response and empathy you had for my situation with my own son who has bipolar that your are a good and decent person who is confused. You reached out for support, for some honest advice and you got sarcasm and cruelty. For that I am sorry. The people who have done that have been damaged and have no empathy for others. Honestly, I don't know why many of them keep coming back here, just to attack those who are already hurting I guess. In this case you are a young lady, who does not have, nor has ever had family support, she finds herself with mental illness and is confused about her feelings for two people, and they just attack. Even though you have attempted suicide, the people who attack do not care. Who among us on LoveShack can truly say we have lived without sin, that we are so perfect that we can attack another human while they are down? ZERO

You are better than that Lily. I am sorry for your situation. I do not think you are evil or bad. You are lost and people should watch their words and their manners when replying to you and not take out their own anger. You are a compassionate young lady who has offered to help me when dealing with my own son who is struggling with bipolar even when you already have difficulties of your own.

You will figure out the right path for you. I can understand why you would be scared to break it off with both men. You have no other support, no family to speak of. Following the advice to go live on your own, is easier for people who have a family to turn to. It does not sound like you have that. You do need a support system. I really do not think your boyfriend is the one for you. You need someone who is more understanding of mental illness. I realize you love him, but is that type of love enough to see you through? I would send you a Private Message, but because you are new, that capability does not seem to be there for you. I think you have to have like 100 replies before that happens. I really do wish I could reach out to you right now, especially since the mean words that have been directed at you, and cannot be taken back, are hurting you.

Edited June 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 11, 2015

Folks, as a reminder, here's the guideline relevant to actions taken by moderation in this thread:

Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. It is inevitable that members will sometimes disagree in their responses to any given problem, and LoveShack.org encourages healthy debate comprised of constructive questions and criticisms, so long as they pertain to the post and thread at hand. Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread.

Thanks in advance for your adherence to our guidelines and for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

June 11, 2015

My reply got edited. I suppose it was a bit harsh, I'll apologize.

One point that got edited out that I'll try to rephrase.

You say you love both men, but cheating on your BF is not the actions of someone that is loving. You seem to have some self esteem issues and I believe you are working through those issues.

You really can't love anyone, boyfriend or the OM unless you love yourself first.

To my original point. Get out of your relationship and focus on learning how to love yourself.

Once again good luck.

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I've messed up my life so young - 25 year old woman stuck in affair [update]

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