I've messed up my life so young - 25 year old woman stuck in affair [update]

June 9, 2015

When I say 'stuck' I do know it's all my own doing, I just don't know how to get out. This will be a long story, my first time confessing sorry.

I'm 25, a graduate, good job in law, boyfriend of 5 years who I live with, great social life. But I've screwed it all up. Behind it all for some reason I was never happy.

I started to change last summer when I started being very energetic and erratic and impulsive. It got to the point that work was suspicious I was on something as I was so excitable. To me it was great, but I don't remember much I guess I was not in my right mind. Later, I fell into a deep depression. Some of you may see where this is going! I was so depressed that work were more convinced I was on something, because now I was suddenly practically catatonic. I ended up self-harming and eventually attempting suicide. I was referred to the doctors and was signed off with depression. Unfortunately I didn't tell them about the previous excitable thing and my depression meds triggered another full-blown manic episode - yep, turns out I am Bi-polar.

This rollercoaster ride of being off work, crazy emotions, meds screwing with me left me feeling drained, and then just numb and worthless. I felt unloveable. I felt worthless for being off work. My boyfriend loves me so much but he doesn't think mental illness is real, and he refused to even read up on it. I felt guilty and like a big burden. He would get mad at me when I was depressed. He didn't know what to do and it put a big strain on him. I felt so guilty.

Months later I came back to work. Very broken feeling and perhaps a bit early. One of my colleagues asked me for a drink and told me he liked me. I was shocked as I felt so worthless, how could he like me? He said all the right things, like I was beautiful and he recognised all these things in me that most people don't see, talked openly about my illness, encouraged me to follow the dreams that my OH thinks are silly. I was also very flattered - this man is older, extremely attractive and desired by the women in my office, well educated, great job. I was stunned that he liked me. I told him nothing could happen but I wanted it to so badly.

He was respectful. He said we could be friends and he never crossed the line. I found myself opening up to him and he was a great support during my recovery and managing my illness. And one day it just went further and since then we've been having an affair. The sex was unbelievable. After, we would talk for hours and hours and he told me he felt a sense of belonging when he was with me.

But now I'm caught up in guilt and anxiety all the time. OM is being quite cold sometimes because it hurts him I'm with someone else. I'm short with my partner because I feel so awful and guilty all the time that I push him away. OM wants me to move across the country with him. Sometimes I think a new life would be great, others I can't bear to leave the life I have - what if it all goes wrong and the grass isn't greener? What if this is influenced by my somewhat unstable mental state at the moment?

I know I haven't got much time left before I have to make a choice. There are things that concern me about OM - he has messed around a lot in his life, his ex describes him as a womaniser. But at the same time I'm pretty sure he's faithful to me - he is also in a I can't believe my luck type way with me, possibly because I'm younger. There are things that concern me about my partner too - the fact we don't have sex, and the fact he isn't interested in what I've been through. And the sad truth is I think I want them both and am afraid to be alone.

Any advice at all would be appreciated. I can't believe I have made my situation even worse by making these bad decisions. I feel like a truly awful and selfish person and I don't deserve anyone's love. How can I break the cycle? I am also concerned if I end it with OM, he might tell colleagues or my partner. Please help.

June 9, 2015

This is going to sound bad but clearly your selfish. End things with both men and seek counseling as soon as possible. Nothing good will come with running off with the other man. I mean honestly what kind of a loser pursues a woman in a relationship. How long do you think it would take for him to do the same thing to you. You can convince yourself all you want he wont do that to you but you already know better. That is the whole reason your here doubting your decisions already.

Be decent to your boyfriend and tell him the truth. End things with him so he can move on and find someone better suited for him.

Clay

June 9, 2015

People with depression and self-esteem issues usually don't fare well in relationships that include a lack of sex and a partner who doesn't believe in mental illness and who is not interested in their lives and struggles.

In light of that, I say dump your bf. Seriously. It's a dead end. Where could a romantic relationship possibly be going if there is no sex? Do you want to marry him? Go read the reams people in low sex/no sex marriages write about how miserable they are and how badly they have been feeling about themselves and the resentment they feel for their spouses.

Frankly, sex is what separates romantic relationships from friendship. Your BF isn't really a BF. He's a somewhat disinterested roommate/friend.

Is your OM married? If not, think about it. Maybe the relationship could be a long term thing. Maybe it could end next month. But that's true of any budding relationship.

If you end up moving and it works out, great. If not, then you could always embrace your new location and go on with your life there, perhaps meeting someone else.

June 9, 2015

The general agreement is that people in the situation you describe yourself as being in should make dealing with their illness the highest priority. If you BF can learn to support you in doing that, great, but if he refuses to do so and that's standing in the way of you getting better, well, you can draw the obvious conclusion. By the same token until you have your illness under control you aren't really in a position to make good judgments about your other relationship either, and in particular whether you should follow him across the country.

Take care of yourself first. Once you've done that, the rest will be a lot clearer.

June 9, 2015

Lily,

First let me say that I am sorry that you are dealing with the effects of mental illness. My 17 year old son was diagnosed bipolar one year ago, mostly he is the depressed state. We are working on finding the correct medication. He is also in counseling which I would hope you are as well. Have you talked to a counselor about this? If you don't have a counselor, I hope you can find one soon. I think it is important for someone with your diagnosis, especially since this is all new.

2nd, I agree with MJJean, your current BF does not sound very supportive. You are going to need a supportive, understanding and informed partner. If he won't even read up on bipolar and what it means and doesn't think mental illness is real, he is NOT the guy for you. There are caring people out there who do believe in mental illness and could be compassionate when you need that. Also, if you aren't having sex, what is the point of the relationship. You will end up unhappy and cheating on that person. Yup, that already happened.

3rd, how do you feel about the OM you are seeing? Do you have romantic feelings for him? You say he is older than you, how much older? Does the age difference bother you? It would be nice if you could date him longer, in an open relationship to see if he is the right guy for you. He sounds supportive and the sex is good so that is a start. Does he need to move across country right away?

Hopefully, you will find a counselor who can help you sort through all your feelings. I am pretty sure that counselor would tell you to find a new BF. Whether that is your new OM or not, I think time is needed to tell that.

Please do take care of you first.

June 9, 2015

Leave your boyfriend since there is nothing between you too. Then you have to re-evaluate you relationship with your womanized old man. In my opinion, I think the Old man knew your problem and wanted to take advantage of your vulnerability hoping that you will not say no. There are people who hunt vulnerable people. But once you are with them, they devalue you and make your life a living hell since they know you will never have the courage to leave, because he will do whatever it takes to make you believe that you have issues and no one could love you. You will be trapped. So think twice. But you relationship with your bf is over. Be honest and set him free.

June 10, 2015

One more thing: you have not messed your life up. You have a serious illness and need to take care of it, you have a complicated romantic life but nothing that a bazillion others haven't gone through, a decent education, and a job. Take care of yourself and things will work out.

June 10, 2015

I promise this is meant gently as I know several young people with this issue- it does tend to ramp up in your mid 20's and many find in-patient treatment now, as it starts to spiral, as very helpful- have you considered you may be a bit over your head and could benefit from more intense treatment to stabilize?

June 10, 2015

You should leave your boyfriend because he's too good for you. You deserve someone who will fly you across the country only to cheat on you.

June 10, 2015

Please see a doctor immediately for diagnosis and treatment of possible bipolar disorder.

June 10, 2015

Look. You were warned. You were told he isn't a faithful man so what makes you think that he wont do the same thing to you? Think about it and like I said you were warned.

Now with your BF, you better crank up the honesty part of your brain and let him know. Shoe was on the other foot, you would want to know too. It's not fair that he has to be played the fool so time to do the right thing.

June 10, 2015

I vote for option C - end both relationships and focus on your mental health.

You know your relationship with your bf is over, and has been for a long time. This new guy is just a catalyst for you to move on. But don't move with him. You've just started getting control over your bipolar. Sticking with your medical care there is important. And your employer has stuck with you all this time - why would you want to leave what you describe as a good job when you just started working again? What would leaving now do for your career?

Live on your own for a while and discover who you are as an individual. Wait to get into a relationship until you feel less vulnerable. People make a lot of stupid mistakes when they feel vulnerable.

June 10, 2015

Please see a doctor immediately for diagnosis and treatment of possible bipolar disorder.

Did you read my thread? :/ I attempted suicide and self-harmed repeatedly, and was put on medication - of course I have seen a doctor, I said so in my original post. I didn't diagnose myself...

June 10, 2015

Look. You were warned. You were told he isn't a faithful man so what makes you think that he wont do the same thing to you? Think about it and like I said you were warned.

Now with your BF, you better crank up the honesty part of your brain and let him know. Shoe was on the other foot, you would want to know too. It's not fair that he has to be played the fool so time to do the right thing.

Actually if the shoe were on the other foot, I would not want to know, and I've always been of that opinion.

I wasn't 'warned' either, we've never spoken. I don't think his ex is a reliable source, as I know for a fact (evidence and not evidence given to me OM - long story) that she is an alcoholic and cheated on him repeatedly and left him for another man. She then begged for him back and he wouldn't take her. Ironic right.i only concerned because it reminds me that I can't know this person well enough to definitely know he wouldn't cheat. But when I'm with him and just how he is, I'm pretty sure. He wants to to settle down and he seems to be pretty happy to have got me (God knows why)

I'm not defending anything, I dont mind being ripped into about it cos its deserved, however I lot of the whole 'shoe was on the other foot/ he'll do it to you' tropes I don't think really apply. There are plenty of other issues here but these aren't it.

June 10, 2015

I vote for option C - end both relationships and focus on your mental health.

You know your relationship with your bf is over, and has been for a long time. This new guy is just a catalyst for you to move on. But don't move with him. You've just started getting control over your bipolar. Sticking with your medical care there is important. And your employer has stuck with you all this time - why would you want to leave what you describe as a good job when you just started working again? What would leaving now do for your career?

Live on your own for a while and discover who you are as an individual. Wait to get into a relationship until you feel less vulnerable. People make a lot of stupid mistakes when they feel vulnerable.

Hi, thanks for your advice

My employer has had to be there, legally. However i have faced some mild discrimination over my mental illness. I live in a small town so actually if I moved I would have a real chance to have my career take off. I'm often offered jobs in the city so finding work and better work would be no problem, we also have a city office I could transfer to if I wanted to stay in the company. All sounds good right? But right now I have so little faith in myself I really don't know if I could do it and not screw it up and let myself down

I don't know if it is over between me and my boyfriend. The reason we weren't having sex was because of me and my health and now it's dragged on so long it's become an issue.

I know you are probably right and I should leave. This will sound so awful but I don't want to be alone right now. I don't have family really (a lot of the reason I think my illness escalated is that I never dealt with a lot of my issues properly - cut out my alcoholic mother, father died two years later, brother was killed in a fight, I got badly assaulted as a student, blah blah). I'm scared about causing so much disruption in my life when I'm only just coming back to 'Earth' after this bad time.

I know my boyfriend loves me and will be there for me in his own way. And I repay him like this, I feel terrible. Sometimes we share a laugh and I feel really close to him. Other times I get that feeling with OM. I don't feel strong enough to walk away, I feel I should choose one or the other.

June 10, 2015

You should leave your boyfriend because he's too good for you. You deserve someone who will fly you across the country only to cheat on you.

With all due respect, you have no idea whether he is likely to cheat or not, you don't know anything about the guy. Also there is no 'him flying me' anywhere - we are English, we don't fly across our country, I am capable of moving myself. It wouldn't just be to be with him, it would be fresh start, job change etc. so it's something that feels like a real possibility not just a whim for a new guy.

I am fine with strong words, I am a worthless selfish person, but inaccurate stuff isn't relevant to me. Thanks for taking the time though, I appreciate it.

June 10, 2015

This is going to sound bad but clearly your selfish. End things with both men and seek counseling as soon as possible. Nothing good will come with running off with the other man. I mean honestly what kind of a loser pursues a woman in a relationship. How long do you think it would take for him to do the same thing to you. You can convince yourself all you want he wont do that to you but you already know better. That is the whole reason your here doubting your decisions already.

Be decent to your boyfriend and tell him the truth. End things with him so he can move on and find someone better suited for him.

Clay

Thanks for your advice. I don't need to seek counselling - I have psychotherapy. However I'm English and this is on the NHS. I have a two hour session every month and it's extremely basic. It's all about coping with emotions at the moment there hasn't been time to even mention my past yet, apart from in the referral the doctors made while I was in the psych ward having attempted suicide. Sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if I had succeeded, no one hurt and maybe ending the cycle of misery my family has had. But I also think that's very self-pitying and I should have the courage to face things. People have it a lot worse.

He's really not a loser, I am the loser. He is well-respected, well-educated, financially established, good father...he didn't know I was with someone at the start and he held off a long time and was very respectful. We fell in love before anything physical happened. I don't think he would do the same to me based on the things I believe he wants and the things he feels but I guess you never know for sure with anyone.

June 10, 2015

First off, seek counseling. If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or bi polar, whatever, you need help so you can get better. You have a lot going on, have made some pretty bad choices and now things could explode and the fall out won't be nice.

Any advice at all would be appreciated. I can't believe I have made my situation even worse by making these bad decisions. I feel like a truly awful and selfish person and I don't deserve anyone's love. How can I break the cycle? I am also concerned if I end it with OM, he might tell colleagues or my partner. Please help.

Sadly, that's a consequence of having an affair. Not all affair partners stay silent, some react and first thing they do is tell the spouse/partner about the affair. Maybe think about confessing before your partner finds out on his own?

Do counseling, fix yourself. You're unhappy for whatever reason(s), though that doesn't justify having an A.

June 10, 2015

I don't think you're open to advice from people on the internet right now. Perhaps your time would be better spent with a self help book, a good friend or something like that.

June 10, 2015

Lily,
First let me say that I am sorry that you are dealing with the effects of mental illness. My 17 year old son was diagnosed bipolar one year ago, mostly he is the depressed state. We are working on finding the correct medication. He is also in counseling which I would hope you are as well. Have you talked to a counselor about this? If you don't have a counselor, I hope you can find one soon. I think it is important for someone with your diagnosis, especially since this is all new.

2nd, I agree with MJJean, your current BF does not sound very supportive. You are going to need a supportive, understanding and informed partner. If he won't even read up on bipolar and what it means and doesn't think mental illness is real, he is NOT the guy for you. There are caring people out there who do believe in mental illness and could be compassionate when you need that. Also, if you aren't having sex, what is the point of the relationship. You will end up unhappy and cheating on that person. Yup, that already happened.

3rd, how do you feel about the OM you are seeing? Do you have romantic feelings for him? You say he is older than you, how much older? Does the age difference bother you? It would be nice if you could date him longer, in an open relationship to see if he is the right guy for you. He sounds supportive and the sex is good so that is a start. Does he need to move across country right away?

Hopefully, you will find a counselor who can help you sort through all your feelings. I am pretty sure that counselor would tell you to find a new BF. Whether that is your new OM or not, I think time is needed to tell that.

Please do take care of you first.

Thankyou for your advice, and for taking time to share your experience . I'm sorry to hear that your son has had a rough time. The meds part really can be very difficult, once sorted life should get easier but it's certainly a scary time. I just want to tell you that I know there will be times that you will feel scared and helpless, but you are wonderful and being a supportive father to him during this time is a wonderful gift you are giving him. My own father was not around before his death.

OM doesn't need to move across the country, he just wants to move back to London, more going on, he thinks I can pursue my real dreams there too. He is 11 years older than me, and the age difference doesn't bother me at all. He is single and has never been married. He wanted to marry his ex as marriage is important to him, but she was abusive when drunk and he instead stuck around long enough to ensure he could get full custody of his kids then left. She had cheated repeatedly and left for another man too - it was messy but I believe him to be responsible as a single father. I know he wants a stable home for them. Sometimes I think that would be wonderful, others I think I am no good and too messed up and crazy for this and it would be selfish to be a part of the children's life permanently when I have mental health issues.

And then there's my boyfriend. He just doesn't 'get' mental illness and he doesn't realise how dismissive he's really being. I try to tell him but it's like everything I say is tainted with the exaggeration of my being bipolar. He saw me up and down and for someone who has no clue about

Mental illness it was scary for him. He is trying but just not enough right now. I don't want to force him because I believe his heart is in the right place, and I just feel terribly guilty for being a burden and for betraying him. I really don't know what I want, I can honestly see myself being with both men. Which obviously is ridiculous and selfish. I just want to make a clear headed decision but I don't trust my own head.

Also if you ever feel like you'd like to talk about bipolar disorder or get an insight or just anything like that, please feel free to message me. I hope your son continues to manage his diagnosis and I'm sure with a loving family round him he will live a happy life and feel supported on his journey.

Edited June 10, 2015 by LilyAdore
Typos

June 10, 2015

I don't think you're open to advice from people on the internet right now. Perhaps your time would be better spent with a self help book, a good friend or something like that.

I am, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not. I'm not trying to be defensive, just stating facts of my situation so I can get best advice possible. Am honestly grateful for any advice.

I'm taking stuff on board - if people keep telling me I need to end it with both then I will certainly take time to consider this as a real option. It's just scary for me. But I need to grow up

June 10, 2015

First off, seek counseling. If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or bi polar, whatever, you need help so you can get better. You have a lot going on, have made some pretty bad choices and now things could explode and the fall out won't be nice.

Sadly, that's a consequence of having an affair. Not all affair partners stay silent, some react and first thing they do is tell the spouse/partner about the affair. Maybe think about confessing before your partner finds out on his own?

Do counseling, fix yourself. You're unhappy for whatever reason(s), though that doesn't justify having an A.

Hi thanks for your advice. I already have psychotherapy but it's not great on the NHS.

Do you believe telling my boyfriend would be better than just ending it with him? I have thought about telling him, then I think that's selfish of me and the kindest thing to do would be to just leave him. But then I think if I took up with OM, wouldn't it be more respectful to tell him that? I'm sorry if I'm asking stupid things.

June 10, 2015

First off, seek counseling. If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or bi polar, whatever, you need help so you can get better. You have a lot going on, have made some pretty bad choices and now things could explode and the fall out won't be nice.

Sadly, that's a consequence of having an affair. Not all affair partners stay silent, some react and first thing they do is tell the spouse/partner about the affair. Maybe think about confessing before your partner finds out on his own?

Do counseling, fix yourself. You're unhappy for whatever reason(s), though that doesn't justify having an A.

Also I wanted to add that I agree it doesn't justify an affair. I am profoundly ashamed that I have done this to people I care about. I feel like my parents genes must be in me, and I make bad choices even though I watched them screw up their own lives, which makes me even worse because I know the consequences of being irresponsible yet I'm still doing it. It is all my own doing, my mental health doesn't take away my responsibility cos I know right from wrong I just feel/felt so very desperate and alone. Being with OM is like being on holiday from my life. When I'm with him, I'm surrounded by love and support. I sleep soundly.

June 10, 2015

i only concerned because it reminds me that I can't know this person well enough to definitely know he wouldn't cheat. But when I'm with him and just how he is, I'm pretty sure.

Wouldn't you guess your BF would say the same thing about you - "don't think she'd cheat"?

You've handled a difficult situation poorly though don't know how much your illness affects the way you see things. At the very least, exit your current relationship with your BF, both your words and choices make it pretty clear not a future there. Let him go...

Mr. Lucky

June 10, 2015

People with depression and self-esteem issues usually don't fare well in relationships that include a lack of sex and a partner who doesn't believe in mental illness and who is not interested in their lives and struggles.

In light of that, I say dump your bf. Seriously. It's a dead end. Where could a romantic relationship possibly be going if there is no sex? Do you want to marry him? Go read the reams people in low sex/no sex marriages write about how miserable they are and how badly they have been feeling about themselves and the resentment they feel for their spouses.

Frankly, sex is what separates romantic relationships from friendship. Your BF isn't really a BF. He's a somewhat disinterested roommate/friend.

Is your OM married? If not, think about it. Maybe the relationship could be a long term thing. Maybe it could end next month. But that's true of any budding relationship.

If you end up moving and it works out, great. If not, then you could always embrace your new location and go on with your life there, perhaps meeting someone else.

Hi thanks for your advice and for taking the time

It's interesting to read this side of it. I feel like the sex issue is my fault for getting ill. It was never really that great between us but so much of our relationship used to be wonderful, I guess I am sad to let that go and also feel like I owe it to him to try because I put him through so much when I was badly ill. But then I think I do love OM too and maybe a fresh start would be good.

OM is not married. He doesn't demand anything of me, just honesty. I'm so scared to take the leap though. I always read about a 'moment' that happens in affairs when you suddenly realise you made the wrong choice and should've stuck with your partner. I'm afraid of this because as sure as I am of this man, I don't trust my own mind. It's a mess. But honestly, right now I can realistically see a happy future with him, if things continued this way.

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I've messed up my life so young - 25 year old woman stuck in affair [update]

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