jessyy Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I need your help. I am desperate at this point. My story is very very long. But to cut to the chase my bf of almost 4 years broke up with me about a little over a month ago. It literally came out of nowhere- smacked me right in the face. I couldn't breathe, literally felt like the air was knocked out of me. He told me that he had been having doubts for a little less than a year but he couldn't find the courage to tell me. He told me he tried to tell himself he wasn't going to give up and that I was the one for him but more time took over and he just couldn't live with the doubts anymore. It scared him that I was so sure he was the one for me. Keep in mind I was his first long term relationship and first true love. Our relationship was a bliss and we became best friends. We shared everything with each other. Nobody knows him the way I do and vice versa-- so cliche I know but in all honesty it is the truth. We were so madly in love with one another. We were there for each other through it all- community college, university, depression, parental problems.. etc. Recently, the past year I brought up moving out and marriage. I was already looking at places and looking at furniture (yeah I know I took it really far but I was just so excited!!) I have a feeling he got cold feet and ran. The night he broke up with me he said that he loved me but didn't know if he was IN love with me.. which is crazy to me because he was literally head over heels for me .. he also said how he cares so much about me and just wants me to be happy.. he said he will always be there for me and hopefully we can be friends.. (in my head I was calming myself because I so badly wanted to take a stick and beat him with it). I felt friendzoned-- the worst! I then asked him why he wants me to be with other guys and he said "I don't want you to be with anyone else!! and the day I do I am going to be extremely jealous! But I want you to be happy and right now I can't make you happy." Anyway, he said he just wanted to be single and free! He wanted his independence. He felt like our relationship got to deep in the comfort zone and we let life get in the way as well as we forgot who we were as individuals (which is true, that I will admit). However, I laughed about the comfort thing because in my opinion I find it special when you can be comfortable with your partner but I guess to him it was a bad sign. He also said that he wants to be in the honeymoon stage forever, which I also laughed because I guess that shows how inexperienced he is. Everyone has told him time and time again that it is called a phase for a reason but he wants to figure it out himself. He asks my best girlfriend how I am doing and he tells her he misses me so much but he couldn't live with the doubts. OH! and he also has told me along with our friends that just because we aren't together now that doesn't mean that we can't be together in the future... he is just trying to figure things out and find out what his heart wants. The night he broke up with me I asked him straight up if he was going to date other people and he said (taking a deep breath) yes I want to date other people about 2 weeks later he is dating this girl (I found out from a friend) and he told him that she is like me in many ways.. and also that there are many things he likes about her but also many things he doesn't... My ex sent my friend a text the other day that said "I miss her and sometimes wonder if I should have given it another try but idk if i miss her friendship and not our relationship.. all the small things we used to do and say!".. I have been in NC with him for 16 days (some days I feel like caving but I tell myself that I need to have pride and respect myself and that usually does the trick for me as a woman to not cave and text him). During our break up, which went on for a couple days because first we had a break which was what caught me off guard and then it lead couple days later to the breakup because he just couldn't lie to himself anymore, it was so hard for him to let go but he had to do it.. breaking up is what he "needed to do". I never saw him cry so much in my life. He bottles up his emotions and so being with him for 4 years I probably saw him cry 2-3 times but during our breakup, probably like 10 times. It was very emotional for both of us. He copes by playing sad depressing love songs on his guitar like "Dreaming with a broken heart" by John Mayer and he told me 16 days ago that he learned "Hold Back the River" by James Bay and "Mess is Mine" by Vance Joy. All these really conflicting signs. We made love twice while being broken up (only in the very beginning-- I know, I know big no no!! But I couldn't resist ) However we did and he told me that it was so perfect and magical! and it made him second guess his decision and he even asked me to go to dinner with him the next night.. but as soon as he left my house all those feelings and doubts came rushing back to him and he sent me a text saying we can't have dinner until he takes the time he needs. When he was with me he was so happy and wanted to stay but as soon as he left the thoughts came back to him that breaking up is what needs to happen... he said he doesn't want to have doubts... he wants to know! I think at the end of our relationship we got lazy and started taking each other for granted and the expression is right, you don't know what you had until it is gone. I wish I could have a second chance to do things right because I feel bad but the same token he could have done things differently too. We just expected things from each other but the same time being his first, unfortunately, came with a price to pay! He is a helpless romantic and wants a love like a romantic book, little does he know that almost all romance novels end in tragedy. Now, I am trying to remember if I covered all the important parts because I want the best advice possible, but I think I covered the main bases... oh, his parents don't have the best marriage so that scares him because he doesn't want to have a marriage like theirs and it worries him. Idk literally we were each others worlds. We talked all the time, saw each other very often and we were just so happy to just stay at home and watch movies. The night he broke up with me I asked if I could give him one last kiss goodbye and we did and I asked if he felt anything and he said "of course I do. You are so extremely gorgeous and I am still very sexually attracted to you." So I know his feelings for me are still there.. he tells his guy friends he still loves me... It just hurts that I haven't heard from him in 16 days lol LIKE SERIOUSLY?? We used to talk everyday.. it is so crazy how these things happen to the best of us especially when we think we found the right one only to realize several years later that they may not be.... I just feel like he gave up on us completely.... Could 4 years possibly have meant nothing? Does this sound like a case of G.I.G.S to you?
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 First of all, the 4 years "were not for nothing". Those years were good and apart of your life story. We should never view time spend with an ex as a waste. I have great memories of many relationships that didn't work out. As far as GIGS, IDK, it sounds more like he simply wanted/needed to have more experiences with other woman too. You indicated you were his first serious relationship. Many guys want to sow their oats before settling down into marriage. My Mom always told me to NEVER get too serious w/your first couple of relationships. Go sow your oats is what she's say. It sounds like he's doing simply that along with maybe his love faded over the course of the relationship. It happens all the time, even when the dumped really didn't do anything wrong. What you should do is back out of his life and stay NC w/him. He made his decision to exit that relationship and you can't really do anything about it at this time. You right to "keep your pride intact" by not continuing to contact him. It will only make him want to avoid you more. NC will also allow you to heal from the relationship. You need to try and NOT overanalyze the end of it. I know it's hard but don't do it. You should also be a bit pissed and have the mindset of say "Ok, you don't want me anymore, fine". Ultimately, that what he said to you. I've always believed and lived by this motto whether it was with a buddy or a GF. When you're up to it, dip your toes in the dating pool. He's out there dating and screwing other women and there's no reason you shouldn't be out there doing the same. Spend some time on this site. There's lots of good information to learn from. Whatever you do, don't let him come back when he's lonely or horny for a simple booty call. It will only set you back. 3
goldway90 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Well you said the relationship was a bliss and perfect but in reality it wasn't look at this "I think at the end of our relationship we got lazy and started taking each other for granted" See that's why the relationship fell apart, the spark and attraction is gone, and with you mentioning something like marriage of course the guy will have doubts, marriage is a long term commitment. You have to stop talking to him and go NC and work on yourself, stop analyzing his moves and his songs, it's an endless circle of pain. You're not helping by staying in contact. Seriously give yourself a treat, go to a spa or something, spend some time away from this drama to heal and clear your thoughts. If you are meant to be with each other you'll be together.
Author jessyy Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Well you said the relationship was a bliss and perfect but in reality it wasn't look at this "I think at the end of our relationship we got lazy and started taking each other for granted" See that's why the relationship fell apart, the spark and attraction is gone, and with you mentioning something like marriage of course the guy will have doubts, marriage is a long term commitment. You have to stop talking to him and go NC and work on yourself, stop analyzing his moves and his songs, it's an endless circle of pain. You're not helping by staying in contact. Seriously give yourself a treat, go to a spa or something, spend some time away from this drama to heal and clear your thoughts. If you are meant to be with each other you'll be together. Well it was a bliss and perfect (I know nothing is "perfect" but it was perfect for me) until the very end. We just graduated school in December and entered the work force and so during that transition is when things in our relationship started changing. He works crazy hours and so I started not seeing him as much and then when I would see him he would be tired all of the time and would want to spend our time together taking naps, which I didn't mind as long as I got to be with him and see him. But the relationship just got lazy I suppose. He said the spark was gone but I mean that is no reason to break up.. you communicate about those things and try to rekindle the spark and romance. That stuff happens all the time in long term relationships because you get to a point where you become comfortable. And sometimes it happens and you don't realize it... but that is something communication can fix. You don't just give up and quit for that reason, I mean come on now. I strongly believe it was the long term commitment that got him scared and out the door running because I was his first and he doesn't want to think later in life "what if" and he doesn't want to have doubts because then he is only giving me half his heart and not all of it. That's what he told me. And he tells me exactly what you are telling me "Just because we are not together now doesn't mean we won't be together in the future, it may take a few months or more, but if it's meant to be destiny will bring us together again! I am taking time to figure this out and find out what my heart is telling me!" <-- that was a text he sent me weeks ago. I have been in no contact. I will not contact him. I know my worth. I am too prideful. Of course there are times were I break down and I write a text message to him and just before I send it, I think to myself "NO! stop!" and I cancel the message. I have come this far, I can't give in now. I am trying to heal and work on myself but because it came out of nowhere and there are all these conflicting signs I can't help but to just think about it all and over-analyze and just want to rewind everything to have him back in my life. I know it is bad, but I can't help it. I have spent time away and have been exercising everyday ... but it is still so fresh and painful.
JewelD Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'm going through a similar breakup. Keep up the NC. It really is difficult to talk to someone everyday and have them know every single thing about you and then one day it's just over and you can't really talk to them anymore. But you have to think about all the good memories you had with him and realize that he has those memories too. He's used to talking to you everyday as well. and he's made the choice to not do it. You don't want somebody that would toy with you like that. I was my bf's 1st serious relationship, and I think a lot of guys do want to venture out and date, especially if they're young. Marriage and family talk scare them because they're still immature. But he's not considering what he's losing by going out to discover something else. His new relationship isn't making him happy and you already know he is basing his judgments of partners off of you. He will most likely try to come back to you in the near future. But you have to consider what you want. Did you have to date other men to figure out you loved him? He should not have to go out and have a bunch of fruitless relationships to figure out how valuable you are. This could turn into a pattern. If you get married down the line and he has doubts again, you'll have to wonder if he'll venture out to explore the pastures again to renew his love for you. It's hard not to analyze, but focus on what is instead of why it is. He's giving you hope for a future he cannot promise simply to keep you around in case he changes his mind. People do stupid things to those who care about them all the time. Maybe you'll be the one that got away that he always regrets.
Author jessyy Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I'm going through a similar breakup. Keep up the NC. It really is difficult to talk to someone everyday and have them know every single thing about you and then one day it's just over and you can't really talk to them anymore. But you have to think about all the good memories you had with him and realize that he has those memories too. He's used to talking to you everyday as well. and he's made the choice to not do it. You don't want somebody that would toy with you like that. I was my bf's 1st serious relationship, and I think a lot of guys do want to venture out and date, especially if they're young. Marriage and family talk scare them because they're still immature. But he's not considering what he's losing by going out to discover something else. His new relationship isn't making him happy and you already know he is basing his judgments of partners off of you. He will most likely try to come back to you in the near future. But you have to consider what you want. Did you have to date other men to figure out you loved him? He should not have to go out and have a bunch of fruitless relationships to figure out how valuable you are. This could turn into a pattern. If you get married down the line and he has doubts again, you'll have to wonder if he'll venture out to explore the pastures again to renew his love for you. It's hard not to analyze, but focus on what is instead of why it is. He's giving you hope for a future he cannot promise simply to keep you around in case he changes his mind. People do stupid things to those who care about them all the time. Maybe you'll be the one that got away that he always regrets. Amen to that!! I completely agree with you! It does suck that he feels he needs to explore and you are right it is a sign of immaturity and also of not having many relationship experiences. See I don't need to see what else is out there because before him I was in a serious relationship of 2.5 years and it wasn't a healthy one. But since it was my first I held on for longer then I should have because like many girls I dreamed of marrying and being with my first love forever. But it obviously didn't work out and then I met my current ex and I realized what real love felt like. I realized what it was like to be treated with respect. We were a power couple! But you see I had something to compare our relationship to. He on the other hand doesn't have anything to compare it to. It just sucks because we became best friends and I told him things that I wouldn't share with anyone else and same with him and now it's like not only did I lose my lover and partner but I lost a best friend. And I know he feels the same way. And yeah it's weird how he is dating someone that is much like me so he says and he also told his friend that she has been helping him get his mind off of me which clearly shows he isn't over me. One of the last times I saw him he was still calling me pet names, playing with my hair, looking deeply in my eyes and looking like a sad puppy dog. I just don't get it at all. And I know! Stop analyzing it lol I hear that all the time or the infamous MOVE ON.. I hate hearing those things because it is hard!!! I just want to drive to his house and smack this syndrome out of him! Lmao
minimariah Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 One of the last times I saw him he was still calling me pet names, playing with my hair, looking deeply in my eyes and looking like a sad puppy dog. I just don't get it at all. And I know! run for the hills from a dude like that. i do believe he checked out emotionally but the fact that he continued to play along is a HUGE red flag. the trigger for the break-up is probably another woman he might be interested in. go total NC, explore life without him and move on. that is the best advice anyone can give you -- they were 4 beautiful years & it came to an end. as simple as that. he told you he isn't in love anymore - BELIEVE him. pay attention to his words and believe what he says. at the end of the day, he dumped you. let go of the pet names... those are breadcrumbs and it's a pure habit on those times he's with you -- notice how he didn't contact you in more than two weeks. so yeah... it's done sweetheart. you can and will do better. 2
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 he needs to explore and you are right it is a sign of immaturity and also of not having many relationship experiences. He's not immature because he wants to have more relationships under his belt before settling down. That's normal for most guys and girls. The second part of this highlighted area is correct. We were a power couple! It just sucks because we became best friends and I told him things that I wouldn't share with anyone else and same with him and now it's like not only did I lose my lover and partner but I lost a best friend. And I know he feels the same way. If he was only your second serious relationship, then you should recognize that your experience is limited as well. I say that because you shared everything with each other. That's NORMAL in a solid relationship. You're saying you KNOW he felt the same way about being best friends. That's probably not true because people don't bail out on best friends or love of their lives. And yeah it's weird how he is dating someone that is much like me so he says and he also told his friend that she has been helping him get his mind off of me which clearly shows he isn't over me. One of the last times I saw him he was still calling me pet names, playing with my hair, looking deeply in my eyes and looking like a sad puppy dog. I just don't get it at all. Lmao Don't be so sure he isn't over you. If he still was in love with you, he'd come right back to you apologizing. He wouldn't continue to dated and screw this new girl. As I read your posts, you seem to be in denial of what transpired. He clearly got bored and wanted to date other women. If he was madly in love with you, he wouldn't of dumped you. The second thing is you haven't accepted that RIGHT NOW this relationship is over. In some of your posts, you're right on point in understanding what happened but then you fall back into the comments like I know he isn't over me. You need to come to acceptance of the fact that it's over. What choice do you have? You're young as well. Why not heal from this, date, and find another partner? This new guy could make you thank the old one for dumping you cause your so happy with him. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I don't think this is GIGS. I think he wasn't nearly as into the relationship as you were, and you projected an lot of YOUR feelings onto him and didn't see him pulling away. I also think that him saying he might return and you might be together in the future is the biggest load of BS. It's something to say so you don't look like a douche for hurting someone you still care about as a person. It's letting someone down easy, but at the expense of raising false hopes. My ex-husband said the same thing to me, and when he and the woman he left me for were done, he moved on to another woman entirely. Not back to me at all (although I couldn't have cared less by then). So don't put any stock into that phrase, and don't assume he'll be back either. Best to go NC and start to come to terms with the end of this relationship. I always say that the golden rule is, if they wanted to be with you, they would be. There's nothing holding him back but himself, and that should tell you all you need to know about what he's thinking. 1
Author jessyy Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 You need to come to acceptance of the fact that it's over. What choice do you have? You're young as well. Why not heal from this, date, and find another partner? This new guy could make you thank the old one for dumping you cause your so happy with him. Yeah I know . You are right. I am in denial. I will admit it. I was just completely blindsided by this whole thing and sometimes I still feel like it is a really bad nightmare that I am going to wake up from soon, but I need to realize that it is not a nightmare, it is reality. The relationship is over and I must move on. It is just really hard especially because I really thought he was the one. I know it is so cliche but whatever that is how I felt. It is my fault for holding on to false hope. I just can't believe our journey together has come to an end. I can't waste my time hoping he will come back begging and crying realizing he made the biggest mistake ever. As much as I dream for that to happen and would hope for that to happen... it is not reality and it does not always happen. I just feel like I would be worth fighting for. I wish he realized my worth and how rare of a girl I am. But he doesn't know my worth and he doesn't feel like I am worth fighting for and that really hurts because for the longest time in our relationship I was worth everything to him and now I feel like I am worth nothing to him. I need to be strong but it has been really tough for me.
philsach890 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Well you said the relationship was a bliss and perfect but in reality it wasn't look at this "I think at the end of our relationship we got lazy and started taking each other for granted" See that's why the relationship fell apart, the spark and attraction is gone, Hey Jessy im so sorry your going through this i kno EXACTLY how you feel my situation is pretty much the same so my heart goes out to you! I don think its the GIGS i think you guys just got waaaaay too comfortable and and the relationship took a backseat while life happened. He definately checked out emotionally and fell out of love over the course of the year and i think as the relationship became less exciting and the spark and attraction faded then that when his feelings started to change. Read my story on the 2 threads under my name. You will find we r in the EXACT SAME situation. I was with her for 3 years thought she was the one wanted to get married etc etc. Then life happened last year and the relationship just became strained and we suffocated each other 24/7, no longer having fun just doing nothing. She also didnt have the courage to say anything and its so difficult when you get into the routine of doing the same thing everyday and eventually realised she had fallen out of love. Stay strong and keep up with NC its the best way to heal at this point in time and you both need space from 4 years of being around each other. I know it hurts but it will get better. Im currently 7 weeks post BU and NC and although im still hurting everyday and have really bad days and go through all sorts of emotions im doing much better than the month following the BU. Keep busy and surround yourself with people who love and care about you. We r also here on LS to give you advice, relate and help you through this so post up on here to vent and let your feelings out it really helps!
Author jessyy Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Hey Jessy im so sorry your going through this i kno EXACTLY how you feel my situation is pretty much the same so my heart goes out to you! I don think its the GIGS i think you guys just got waaaaay too comfortable and and the relationship took a backseat while life happened. He definately checked out emotionally and fell out of love over the course of the year and i think as the relationship became less exciting and the spark and attraction faded then that when his feelings started to change. Read my story on the 2 threads under my name. You will find we r in the EXACT SAME situation. I was with her for 3 years thought she was the one wanted to get married etc etc. Then life happened last year and the relationship just became strained and we suffocated each other 24/7, no longer having fun just doing nothing. She also didnt have the courage to say anything and its so difficult when you get into the routine of doing the same thing everyday and eventually realised she had fallen out of love. Stay strong and keep up with NC its the best way to heal at this point in time and you both need space from 4 years of being around each other. I know it hurts but it will get better. Im currently 7 weeks post BU and NC and although im still hurting everyday and have really bad days and go through all sorts of emotions im doing much better than the month following the BU. Keep busy and surround yourself with people who love and care about you. We r also here on LS to give you advice, relate and help you through this so post up on here to vent and let your feelings out it really helps! Yeah maybe you are right. Maybe it was the fact that the relationship just got way to comfortable and life got in the way. But isn't that something that could be worked on with communication? I feel like it was really weird how he just called it quits like that .. we could have talked about things that needed to be changed or improved on and then continue growing from there. You know? I just don't get it... that is why I am so blindsided because we were suppose to be a team and when you realize these things in a relationship it is nothing that communication can't fix or at least try to fix. And then once you at least try and realize nothing is changing or getting better than okay let's go our separate ways but at least we can say we tried. I just feel so betrayed .. like I wasn't good enough for him to try and work through things with me. It really hurts.
philsach890 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Yeah maybe you are right. Maybe it was the fact that the relationship just got way to comfortable and life got in the way. But isn't that something that could be worked on with communication? I feel like it was really weird how he just called it quits like that .. we could have talked about things that needed to be changed or improved on and then continue growing from there. You know? I just don't get it... that is why I am so blindsided because we were suppose to be a team and when you realize these things in a relationship it is nothing that communication can't fix or at least try to fix. And then once you at least try and realize nothing is changing or getting better than okay let's go our separate ways but at least we can say we tried. I just feel so betrayed .. like I wasn't good enough for him to try and work through things with me. It really hurts. Thats exactly what i said to her but in the end it depends on the person whether they want to work on it or not. In my case i convinced her to work on it and we tried for 2 months but nothing changed. The thing is they fell out of love over a long period of time so anything you try to do now cant change the situation because they genuinely fell out of love. I argued communication aswel but because her feelings changed over such a long period it duznt matter what i did or said, deep down she knew she didnt want it anymore. The only time you could have worked on it was at the time everything was happening but once there feelings have changed its difficult to change it back. I feel the same way...so hurt she said nothing and so angry she bailed on me. I know it hurts but for the time being just go NC you need to heal and need space away from each other. I feel your pain i really do i know what your going through but for now strict NC so you can better understand the situation coz right now the wounds are too raw
Author jessyy Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Thats exactly what i said to her but in the end it depends on the person whether they want to work on it or not. In my case i convinced her to work on it and we tried for 2 months but nothing changed. The thing is they fell out of love over a long period of time so anything you try to do now cant change the situation because they genuinely fell out of love. I argued communication aswel but because her feelings changed over such a long period it duznt matter what i did or said, deep down she knew she didnt want it anymore. The only time you could have worked on it was at the time everything was happening but once there feelings have changed its difficult to change it back. I feel the same way...so hurt she said nothing and so angry she bailed on me. I know it hurts but for the time being just go NC you need to heal and need space away from each other. I feel your pain i really do i know what your going through but for now strict NC so you can better understand the situation coz right now the wounds are too raw Has your ex tried contacting you at all?
philsach890 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Has your ex tried contacting you at all? Nope not at all. Its been 7 weeks since the break up and 7 weeks NC. After 3 years 7 weeks NC is not long at all to have space from the BU. My BU was quite messy though...if you read my thread i had frustration and pent up emotions for 2months as a stranger to her and following one bad night i had an outburst and broke a window Alot of negative emotions surrounding my situation so just over 1.5months isnt long the emotions are still fresh
Author jessyy Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Nope not at all. Its been 7 weeks since the break up and 7 weeks NC. After 3 years 7 weeks NC is not long at all to have space from the BU. My BU was quite messy though...if you read my thread i had frustration and pent up emotions for 2months as a stranger to her and following one bad night i had an outburst and broke a window Alot of negative emotions surrounding my situation so just over 1.5months isnt long the emotions are still fresh Oh wow. Yeah that is messy. He texted me before I started NC asking me to hang out and I responded "I think it is best we don't hang out at all." Then I started NC and whenever people ask him if he has talked to me he says, "No I haven't. I wonder what she is doing, and how she is but she doesn't want to talk to me and I can understand." I only want to hear from him, if it is apologizing and begging for me back because he knows he can't do better. I actually read an article online about falling and in and out of love. It was pretty insightful. Check it out-- The #1 Reason Why People Fall Out of Love - mindbodygreen.com Comes to show that some people just don't know what real love is because they expect it to be perfect all the time and it is completely natural for love to fade and come back and fade and come back, especially when you have been with that person for years and have gone through a lot with that person.
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