DC77 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I know this one might be a tough one to ask, because nobody is a mind reader. I'll do my best though to set-up the situation and apologize it may get lengthy. But there is a twist at the end and I'm open to your thoughts... We've been together now for 6 months. He has been away for 2 months for military training. He came back for a week and is now on vacation on a roadtrip he has always wanted to do (which I've been very supportive of). When he was away for 2 months we were in constant contact and we only missed 3 days where we didn't say goodnight to each other. When he returned a week ago, we were so happy to see each other, but it wasn't explosive with passion. He is a very reserved person so I follow his lead at times. Yet he wanted to spend every day with me. Most of the time I was available, but I made sure to take space for myself. We hung out. We went climbing. I rescued him from a flat tire. I cooked. We cuddled like crazy. But he seemed to be a little distant. Especially the day before he left for vacation. He started making little comments about me being educated and he not. He made a comment that he doesn't like the way my hair smells. And he started digging for reassurance from me about his personal appearance. Then, on the day he was leaving, we got into a fight. I actually recently posted about this as the first fight of the relationship. It was rough, but it didn't seem to last long and I thought we moved passed it. In a nutshell, the fight was about some trash talking he took a little too far and me trying to address it. But I thought we had worked it out. We hugged. We cuddled. We had sex. And we continued to make future plans for hikes and things to do when he got back. And he has still been in constant contact. After I dropped him off at the airport, he continued to text me, updating me of his excitement and travel status. "I'm waiting to load." "I'm on the plane." "Doors are closed ready for take off..." He let me know he was there. He sends me pics and shares his excitement with me. Still says goodnight... Here's the twist. As I was laying in bed last night I started checking my emails. We met on match and at one point (without prompt from either of us) we simply hid our profiles. Last night, I received an email that he may be a person of interest for me on match, which means his profile is active again. And he had been active on it within the past 24 hours...It was a kick in the gut for sure and I had to address it. I wasn't emotional sending a text, I simply stated that he had shown up in my email and asked if he was still looking around. He simply replied "yes, I have looked around match." And that he was going to bed. And that's all I got. I asked him what that meant. Nothing. Told him I was disappointed to see that. Nothing. Then finally said that I cared about him and us and that it was only fair to let me know what was happening...Still hearing nothing in the morning, and trying to be mindful of giving him some space, I simply let him know that maybe we should slow down. Focus on his trip and having a good time, I would be giving him space. But I wasn't gone either. I'm still in. (another little back story, something similar happened with him and his last girl and she figured it was over and went and slept with someone else. I have no interest to do that). He is obviously processing something. He's not ready to cut it off with me but yet he's looking around. I know it's not a good sign. If anything, there's something about our relationship he isn't sure about. I'm giving him all the space he needs, but what could be going through his head??
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 We've been together now for 6 months. When he returned a week ago, we were so happy to see each other, but it wasn't explosive with passion. But he seemed to be a little distant. He started making little comments about me being educated and he not. He made a comment that he doesn't like the way my hair smells. Then, on the day he was leaving, we got into a fight. "yes, I have looked around match." I am afraid your boyfriend has bought himself a ticket out of your relationship. If a relationship isn't strong enough a 2 month absence will damage it. He probably found himself lonely and looked for attention online. If he had been totally into you it would not even have crossed his mind to do such a thing. Finding a boyfriend online after 6 months dating is devastating and that's why you needed to address it right away over text. I cannot blame you for doing it but I am not surprised you got no reply from him. He's on a trip now and not dealing with drama is more important to him than to comfort you. What does that say about him? I personally would not be there upon his return. Being found on a dating site 6 months in an exclusive relationship is a betrayal worthy of a break up. You don't even need an explanation. 3
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'm giving him all the space he needs, but what could be going through his head?? You should not be worried about giving him space or be worried about what's in his head. You should be wanting to kick his @ss good bye. How can you be worried about his space when he's the one at fault?? He should be the one kissing your feet and giving you space.
losangelena Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Even reading this story makes me nauseous. OP, I'm so sorry. Isn't Match a paid site? Are you saying he's still paying for a subscription? Do they even send out those email updates if you're not activated? It would piss me off that he didn't reply. At the same time, I would not want to get into it over text. If it were me I'd lay low and see if he's willing to have a decent conversation about it.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Why in the fresh heck are you still in when he isn't? He told you he's looking at other options. Then he can't be bothered to talk to you about it. And then you send him some text wishing him a good time? You are telling him you aren't gone? You should not be enabling that - why are you? 3
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Isn't Match a paid site? Are you saying he's still paying for a subscription? Do they even send out those email updates if you're not activated? He told her that yes he has been on it.
mandymor Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 When he returned a week ago, we were so happy to see each other, but it wasn't explosive with passion. But he seemed to be a little distant. Especially the day before he left for vacation. He started making little comments about me being educated and he not. He made a comment that he doesn't like the way my hair smells. And he started digging for reassurance from me about his personal appearance. Then, on the day he was leaving, we got into a fight. Last night, I received an email that he may be a person of interest for me on match, which means his profile is active again. And he had been active on it within the past 24 hours asked if he was still looking around. He simply replied "yes, I have looked around match." And that he was going to bed. (another little back story, something similar happened with him and his last girl and she figured it was over and went and slept with someone else. I have no interest to do that). He is obviously processing something. He's not ready to cut it off with me but yet he's looking around. I know it's not a good sign. Well the writings on the wall. He's letting you know in a roundabout way that he's getting ready to move on. As soon as he finds someone else he's gone. When people start picking fights for no apparent reason that is usually a sign that things are ending. I guess the one good thing, if you can call it that, is that he's letting you know in a way. I mean he admitted he was looking for people on a dating site. HELLO, is this thing on. It's time to run don't walk to the exit. It also looks like this may be a pattern of his. If this happened the same way before, then this is his way of breaking up with people.
Author DC77 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Update: Last night it was midnight for him and this morning he was taking care of some property business before his trip. This is where I need to have some patience...He has gotten back to me and noted that text was not appropriate for the conversation. I agreed and let him know I'm not angry, just a little kicked in the gut, and if he wants to be with me he will be with me...He has since sent a couple of his regular status texts... And I'm not angry. A little hurt yes. Questioning trust, yes. Obviously this shows he's not fully committed and it can mean one of 2 things. He is looking because he is not happy with the relationship. Or he is looking because he wants to make sure before he commits. If he wants to be with me, he will be with me, and that's that.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Update: Last night it was midnight for him and this morning he was taking care of some property business before his trip. This is where I need to have some patience...He has gotten back to me and noted that text was not appropriate for the conversation. I agreed and let him know I'm not angry, just a little kicked in the gut, and if he wants to be with me he will be with me...He has since sent a couple of his regular status texts... And I'm not angry. A little hurt yes. Questioning trust, yes. Obviously this shows he's not fully committed and it can mean one of 2 things. He is looking because he is not happy with the relationship. Or he is looking because he wants to make sure before he commits. If he wants to be with me, he will be with me, and that's that. And you are okay with hanging around while he scopes out other women? 2
Author DC77 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 No. Other women are a deal breaker. He has only indicated that he is looking, and I realize he has one foot out the door, but he deserves the opportunity to explain his thoughts. He's already indicated he'd rather do it in person, and I don't have intentions of ruining his trip... Unless he has something really good to say though, the relationship is likely over. 1
losangelena Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 He told her that yes he has been on it. Yes, I know. It was more of a rhetorical question. To me, him poking around on OKC or some other free site feels different than still PAYING for subscription when he's six-months in to this relationship. 1
losangelena Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 No. Other women are a deal breaker. He has only indicated that he is looking, and I realize he has one foot out the door, but he deserves the opportunity to explain his thoughts. He's already indicated he'd rather do it in person, and I don't have intentions of ruining his trip... Unless he has something really good to say though, the relationship is likely over. You sound extremely level-headed about all of this. Good luck, OP. I hope your eventual conversation goes well.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 And you are okay with hanging around while he scopes out other women? It sounds like the OP doesn't have the courage to end this relationship and is too in love with her (soon-to-be-ex) bf to kick him to the curb. So instead, she's going to 'hang in there' whilst he samples other women during his vacay. When he returns to find her faithfully waiting by the door, he's going to clobber her with a giant-sized mallet that says, "We had some good times babe, but, I'm no longer getting what I want or need from this relationship. I've found someone else, so...I'm bailing. Good bye and take care." If I was in a relationship with a guy and I found out that he was back on an online dating site looking for other women and he admitted that this was true and he was acting distant with me before he left for his "vacation" and he started fishing me for compliments regarding his personal appearance before he left...that would definitely be the writing on the wall for me! I would dump his a$$ without looking back. Unfortunately, for some people, it takes them a little (to quite a bit) longer to process red flags such as these...and usually, it takes a direct hit to their heart and to their ears before it begins to sink in that the person they're with no longer is interested in being in a relationship with them anymore. . 2
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It sounds like the OP doesn't have the courage to end this relationship and is too in love with her (soon-to-be-ex) bf to kick him to the curb. So instead, she's going to 'hang in there' whilst he samples other women during his vacay. When he returns to find her faithfully waiting by the door, he's going to clobber her with a giant-sized mallet that says, "We had some good times babe, but, I'm no longer getting what I want or need from this relationship. I've found someone else, so...I'm bailing. Good bye and take care.". it does sound like she will be waiting around. And he'll probably marry the next one within 6 months. OP: There is nothing to talk about. What ever are his reasons for doing this it won't change the fact that he is screaming outloud you are not the one.
Author DC77 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 As always, I thank everyone for taking the time to respond and do not deny people of their opinions. However, some of the responses on here are clearly filled with bitterness and cynicism and I wonder how many of you are giving level advice from a stable relationship. In particular, Zombie Girl, I'm going to squelch your notion right now that I'm some love struck teenager that doesn't have the courage to stand up for myself. What I am is a woman who is considerate enough to not be an ******* and ruin something for someone else for my own selfish needs and impatience. I believe it's called maturity. I also believe in giving him the opportunity to explain himself, which he is at least mature enough to understand that it's a face to face conversation. Obviously something is missing. Perhaps it can be fixed. Perhaps it can't be fixed. No one is going to know if I turn my back in a pouty fit and slam the door. Is my trust shaken, yes. Am I disappointed, yes. But the situation deserves a conversation, if not to move forward then at least proper closure. 1
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