Obsession over the past

[Jimmy234]

So I have been dating a girl for almost 2 years now. We have a great time together and we have always been very close. About 6-8months ago we had to start a long distance relationship, which has been very hard on both of us.

 

When we first started dating she often spoke of guys that she had dated before and how she had even cheated on one (bad relationship she wanted out). We eventually got to numbers and I was expecting atleast 8 by the way she had spoken over the past 6 months. Just different guys she had dated or stories that involved a guy staying over but having to leave because her friend was upset etc. I told her that i expected it to be about this number, and was totally rpepared to accept it

 

Long story short she says her number is 3! She had 3 serious bfs before me and i was liek this is great she is as close to perfect as you will get in thisday and age.

 

Fast forward a month or so and we are both very drunk, i tell her i think its amazing how she held out and managed to be so good (very religious, goes to mass every week, has friends that are still virgins). Anyway she hits out with yeh but ive probably done stuff with other guys, when i ask her oh was it many, she immediately says "you know what actually i dont think i have"

 

This has been a major bug bear of mine since we went long distance, I wanted to just know the truth, the fact it was yes then no i got very confused, and seen as i am apparently her "one" i expected her to just say. Bearing in mind i was very open with her and told her everyone id slept with. i also explaine ot her that i expected it because she had dated a few guys for a good few dates before me. Anyway she always told me that she hadnt, she never touched aguy that wasnt her bf, guys did stay over but they only snuggled and it wasnt like it was every night. She put it down to her dad and her parents seperating at a young age.

 

Fast forward another 6 months, I have currently been offered a job in the sasme city, living together, everything we ever wanted. in fact i was considering proposing to her. Until i found a message, it was to some guy she used to work with and was about an event that happened almost 4 years before we met. Basically the message was about how she managed to get a snuggle of some guy, the person she was talking to called her out for being a slut, but she insisted she did not put out, she said "guys are only after one thing and im not like that". UNFORTUNATELY i kept reading, basically the message talked about some guy coming in her hair whilst she was travellign europe. i obviously immediately asked her about it and she said that yes it had happened and that she ahd woke up to some guy masturbating and who then came in her hair.

 

Now i know that story is weird in itself, but whats worse is that she continued to talk to the guy in qiestion after she got home. She said that yes she had spoken to him afterward, but she had just split up with ehr bf and was fat and was unhappy, she needed some self confidence. She said they never met up but she just needed someone to talk to. Since then she has admitted that more guys than i knew about stayed over, but maintains that nothing happened with them

 

 

Problems i am currently facing

1. do i believe her or am i being stupid

2. i have tried to talk to her about it and mentioned that i really dont care what she has done, who with or when, i would just rather know and then i can move on as can we in the relationship.

3. Although i have done the above for the past 2 motnhs everytime it gets brought up she is inconsolably upset, she cries herself to sleep, she wont talk about it, she states she has told the truth and that i am not trusting her

4. She has lied about a few minor things in the past, but has always come clean about what happened e.g. smoking, guys shes kissed i know, eating disorders, amount of guys staying over

 

5. i constantly think about this, almost every hour of the day i am OBSESSED with what happened, no matter who tells me to move on or how upset i am i feel i cant because im not getting the truth. it has taken over my life, i think about it constantly and cant shake it off. it makes me double think everything she says or has said in the past. Basically it has turned me into a not nice person and has dragged her down too.

 

Thanks in advance

[Jimmy234]

also i may add that she was very trusting in me. she gave me her passwords to everything including where i found this message.

[lionheart153]

Personally I feel you are a bit obsessed in finding out how many partners she has been with. I understand that the conversation will sometimes lead that way with a couple and you may brush upon it or fully disclose everything. But each person is different and just because you are willing to share does not mean she has to.

 

from the sounds of it, maybe she has had only 3 SERIOUS bfs but that doesn't mean she hasn't been with other people.

 

I only count myself of having 1 serious GF but I have slept with about 6 different women on a regular basis that I just considered me seeing, and I have done a few one night stands. But if someone asked me if I have had any serious relationships I still say 1.

 

Besides that, if asking her upsets her to the point of crying, then you are left with 2 choices. Accept it for what it is and let go, or if it bothers you this much, find a new partner.

 

Whether she was a virgin mary or a town whore before shouldn't matter, as the past is the past. If you like her for who she is now, why should what may or may not have happen or did happen affect your judgement now. If you cannot accept that then perhaps that is your issue and you need to move on.

 

I know that is easier said then done. And the thought of your gf being with another main gives you twists in your stomach, but lets face it, in this day and age you can't expect that the person is virgin. From what I hear from my friends, kids start doing sexual behaviors at the ages of 13-14. And you are that bothered by someones past rather then their present self then maybe you need to work on your own insecurities.

 

Just my two cents

 

BTW just be because she has given you her trust does not mean you can read her private messages. That is a violation of her trust in its own, and again goes back to my original thesis. If you don't trust her then don't be with her. Stop trying to find excuses.

[Jimmy234]

Many thanks. I definitely do trust her, she has done nothing during this relaitonship to not have my trust. There have been no comprimising stories or awkward night out stories since we have been together. pLUS she has put up with this for 2 months now and not done anything behind my bakc, therefore i should be amazed that someone would put up with that.

 

It is not so much who she has been with, because it took her 2-3 months to sleep with me, and she was head over heels from dy one. i also know form people at university etc that she only slept with guys she had known for along time (i.e. long term bfs) i think its a trust issue going back to her upbringing and also her religious beliefs.

 

What it boils down to is her not being able to tell me. i have pretty hard evidence that something did happen, and that is a pretty unbelivable story is it not? I have been open and understanding about it. i FEEL if something had happened, by now she would of told me, it has gone on for too long for her to keep this up. If she hadnt lied about other things i wouldnt be obsessed with it. i would totally believe her.

 

Basically i feel like i need to know to not obsess about it anymore? does that make sense?

[Jimmy234]

and as strange as this is, sometimes wen were together i think of her with other people, or when were in bed i think if anyone else has done this? its so f* up but it happens. i am so lucky to have her i just didnt know if it was normal to be so obsessive or i i needed to get help

[lionheart153]

and as strange as this is, sometimes wen were together i think of her with other people, or when were in bed i think if anyone else has done this? its so f* up but it happens. i am so lucky to have her i just didnt know if it was normal to be so obsessive or i i needed to get help

 

That to me right their tells me that you are insecure. And this is something you need to work on. You cannot make any of her past relationships disappear.

 

If there is something she is hiding it probably is of good reason. If you claim she is raised religiously then perhaps she is not comfortable speaking about it yet. Pressure will only push someone away. If you have been at this for 2 months now you need to let it go, because its clear she isn't ready. All you are doing is pushing her away.

 

If I were in your shoes I would tell her how I feel and tell her that after this discussion I would leave the subject alone, and that it will only be spoken about when she is ready. And that you hope she is one day comfortable enough and trusting you enough to share her highs and lows with you.

 

Then leave it.

 

Also when you say things like "she was head over heels for me" just keep in mind that the falling in love vision often makes one think everything is extra positive when it may not be.

 

That's just me though.

[Jimmy234]

Thanks again for your help. I have realised that i am very insecure. i am trying to do things to work on that, including reading self help books and online articles. I feel although you say she may eventually tell me, that i have been very understanding, and when the subject was originally breached that i was in a good place to accept whatever she told me. however now i feel that its gone on so long the easier thing for her to hae done would of just said something happened and that she was sorry (not tat she had to be)

 

Its just the thought of moving in togeter and this bugging me for the rest of my life. although i think what would bug me more would be loosing her.

 

and the religious thing i guss could wokr either way, it could mean that her story is the way it happened, or that she is ashamed of going through what she did. everything else she has lied about she came clean eventually, o i guess time will tell.

 

I am not sure what you mean at the end about things being mroe positive than they need to be?

[Jimmy234]

i very much believe you can judge a girl and her past on the first few dates. if your back at her place on date 1 - you can expect what girl you have found. if it takes you a bit longer then she probably doesnt sleep around. if it takes you months (in y case) shes either had a serious problem in the past or she is that genuine. thanks for all your help. it has made a lot more sense now that in order for this to disappear out of my head and me get over it i basically need to just realise how happy she makes me now or end up alone and forever regretting what ive done!!!!

[lionheart153]

i very much believe you can judge a girl and her past on the first few dates. if your back at her place on date 1 - you can expect what girl you have found. if it takes you a bit longer then she probably doesnt sleep around. if it takes you months (in y case) shes either had a serious problem in the past or she is that genuine. thanks for all your help. it has made a lot more sense now that in order for this to disappear out of my head and me get over it i basically need to just realise how happy she makes me now or end up alone and forever regretting what ive done!!!!

 

I don't think this at all. Some people can change, perhaps the last relationship they had caused them to be insecure. There have been girls I have met that I had heard take a while before getting into bed, yet they did the opposite. So that is a poor way of judging ones past.

 

As I don't know your age, it's hard to place a random quality like that, as there is no proof. Maybe a girl takes longer before getting into bed because they did so before and it didn't end well. Hard to say

 

In this whole thread what I keep seeing is that you are insecure, as you are letting this bother you. Even if you knew what happened, it doesn't change anything. In fact knowing might make you more uncomfortable, you say its nothing to do with trust, there fore it is something you are struggling to let go.

 

If you fear to be alone, that tells me that you aren't ready for a mature relationship. I believe being in a state of mind where you are happy whether alone or with someone is the best to be. If it bothers you this much you need to be able to have the confidence to walk away. However the end result is a problem that you can solve, not her. Telling you won't really do anything because your underlining problem is you are insecure.

 

Everybody is insecure, it isn't easy to be confident in everything you do, but realizing it and actively working on is the key, instead of just admitting the fault and doing nothing. I would offer to ask one more time and offer her you ear if she ever needs to talk, but there is no more reason to keep pushing. At this point if you can't let go then maybe you need to walk away.

[Revan32]

 

Whether she was a virgin mary or a town whore before shouldn't matter, as the past is the past. If you like her for who she is now, why should what may or may not have happen or did happen affect your judgement now. If you cannot accept that then perhaps that is your issue and you need to move on.

 

A persons past actions are the absolute best way to predict their future. If a girl has spent her life in and out of rehab centers, there's a very good chance that she'll end up back in one. Even if she currently seems healthy and drug free. The same can be said about cheaters and whores. If they spend most of their lives acting a certain way, odd are they'll revert back to it as soon as something in their lives gives them a nudge in the wrong direction.

 

I don't remember where, but I swear in some article, some girl who married a serial killer in prison said that exact same line "the past is the past". haha

[hyperion83]

I have been like you with every ltr in the past. Listen, if you guys ever split and you end up with someone else, NEVER ask that question. Gives me the jeebs.

[Jimmy234]

many thanks for all the help. i in no way want to loose this girl. i just want these thoughts out of my head. they go round in circles every day and i have to talk myself down every hour or so to stop them for a brief while. it has become a total obsession. yet when im with her, i dont think about it as much, maybe when were in bed together i think about it on and off but i push it away. i am wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience of it being there all the time and has anyone ever got to the other side alive?

[Jimmy234]

can i also jut add in. i have no doubt that her number is just 3. we had a very frank discussion about it and i even said i thot it was 7-8. she told me that it was 3 and ive never had any reason to think otherwise. the problem was just that she volounteered that she had fooled aorund with other guys, then took it back, and now it looks like she has.

[Jimmy234]

finally, she has actually got to the point where shes asking me if i want her to get in touch with these guys so they can tell me nothing happened. i think im just being an insecure idiot and not realising how amazing this girl is. i just want the thoughts of her with others to go away!