I feel like this is going to be one of those make or break moments...

[jjtr]

So, my girlfriend and I are approaching a year since we started dating (August 1st of last year and it's been an amazing year) and we kind of hit a tricky spot on Sunday night. It kind of came out of the blue, but in reality I should have seen it coming. In July, she's moving out and getting her own apartment. It'll be the first time she's ever lived without family or roommates and she's excited about it. And rightfully so.

 

However, basically since winter, she's been staying at my place probably half the time, we went on a week-long vacation, got on the same Costco account and have pretty much been living at her friends apartment together (she's catsitting while they're in Asia for five weeks).

 

Also, as a side note, she wasn't ready to sign a lease together yet. I would have been ready to had she wanted to. Instead, I signed on again with my new lease expiring in February and she signed on for a year.

 

I've mentioned before she's introverted and needs alone time, which I've learned to adapt to, but she says this is different and is her fiercely independent streak kicking in. I was fine with her going in the other room and doing her own thing/going out with friends, but then coming home to each other every night.

 

Now she wants to build in like scheduled time for us to see each other. I'm kind of at a loss and am worried because I feel like this is one of those make or break moments. She's clearly going to need to build in time for friends/family, me and her independence and it's going to be hard for me if I'm getting two nights out of seven all of a sudden when I'm used to seeing her more often than not. She hasn't said only two nights a week, I just sort of threw that number out there.

 

Admittedly, that's selfish of me because I completely get where she is at. I was there too at one point. She knows it's selfish of her, but is just something she wants to try.

 

She could end up getting sick of living alone after a month like I did, or she could still love it a year from now and I'm not sure where that would leave us. The latter is what scares. I know I need more, but I'm going to suck it up now and let her have this experience. But I'm scared of what it might to do us if it carries on for a year (which she said let's assume it won't/doesn't think it will).

 

Any advice on how to handle this scenario?

[Redhead14]

So, my girlfriend and I are approaching a year since we started dating (August 1st of last year and it's been an amazing year) and we kind of hit a tricky spot on Sunday night. It kind of came out of the blue, but in reality I should have seen it coming. In July, she's moving out and getting her own apartment. It'll be the first time she's ever lived without family or roommates and she's excited about it. And rightfully so.

 

However, basically since winter, she's been staying at my place probably half the time, we went on a week-long vacation, got on the same Costco account and have pretty much been living at her friends apartment together (she's catsitting while they're in Asia for five weeks).

 

Also, as a side note, she wasn't ready to sign a lease together yet. I would have been ready to had she wanted to. Instead, I signed on again with my new lease expiring in February and she signed on for a year.

 

I've mentioned before she's introverted and needs alone time, which I've learned to adapt to, but she says this is different and is her fiercely independent streak kicking in. I was fine with her going in the other room and doing her own thing/going out with friends, but then coming home to each other every night.

 

Now she wants to build in like scheduled time for us to see each other. I'm kind of at a loss and am worried because I feel like this is one of those make or break moments. She's clearly going to need to build in time for friends/family, me and her independence and it's going to be hard for me if I'm getting two nights out of seven all of a sudden when I'm used to seeing her more often than not. She hasn't said only two nights a week, I just sort of threw that number out there.

 

Admittedly, that's selfish of me because I completely get where she is at. I was there too at one point. She knows it's selfish of her, but is just something she wants to try.

 

She could end up getting sick of living alone after a month like I did, or she could still love it a year from now and I'm not sure where that would leave us. The latter is what scares. I know I need more, but I'm going to suck it up now and let her have this experience. But I'm scared of what it might to do us if it carries on for a year (which she said let's assume it won't/doesn't think it will).

 

Any advice on how to handle this scenario?

 

After a year, two nights a week isn't going to allow you to keep a strong enough connection to keep it moving forward in the long run. You explain to her that you have been happy with the previous frequency and want to compromise and be somewhere in the middle. Say, two evenings during the week and one weekend day or something like that. You threw a number out there and she didn't answer?

[jjtr]

Two nights a week was just the example I used while voicing my concern after she brought this whole conversation up. She then stated she also wasn't saying it's only be two nights a week.

[Redhead14]

Two nights a week was just the example I used while voicing my concern after she brought this whole conversation up. She then stated she also wasn't saying it's only be two nights a week.

 

Ok, the situation hasn't been resolved. You don't know that this is a make or break situation unless you two can't come to a compromise.

 

Open another casual, supportive conversation with her. Express that you want to make sure that the relationship stays connected and that you want to work with her to make sure there is balance for you both and that you support the fact that she needs to explore her autonomy and independence. Set up a "preliminary" schedule that will be tested for a period of a month or two and that at the end of that period, you two will have a conversation again about how that is working for each of you. It may need to be adjusted here and there. And, don't bring it up again until the end of that period. In other words, if you know it's not working for you before the end of the test period, just wait until the planned time to discuss it again. You don't want to "over discuss it" either.

 

You are now beginning to learn each others issue resolution skills and ability to compromise. This is important for a relationship. And, it's happening before you two are living together, so that's a good thing.

[jjtr]

Ok, the situation hasn't been resolved. You don't know that this is a make or break situation unless you two can't come to a compromise.

 

Open another casual, supportive conversation with her. Express that you want to make sure that the relationship stays connected and that you want to work with her to make sure there is balance for you both and that you support the fact that she needs to explore her autonomy and independence. Set up a "preliminary" schedule that will be tested for a period of a month or two and that at the end of that period, you two will have a conversation again about how that is working for each of you. It may need to be adjusted here and there. And, don't bring it up again until the end of that period. In other words, if you know it's not working for you before the end of the test period, just wait until the planned time to discuss it again. You don't want to "over discuss it" either.

 

You are now beginning to learn each others issue resolution skills and ability to compromise. This is important for a relationship. And, it's happening before you two are living together, so that's a good thing.

 

This is great advice and definitely reassures me more that things will work out just fine. Thank you!

 

I had already wanted to sit down and come up with some sort of "schedule," but I like the idea of revisiting it after a set timeframe.

 

I really do support her and understand what she is feeling because I went through the same thing (and I told her all of this), I think I am just worried of the change.

[Redhead14]

This is great advice and definitely reassures me more that things will work out just fine. Thank you!

 

I had already wanted to sit down and come up with some sort of "schedule," but I like the idea of revisiting it after a set timeframe.

 

I really do support her and understand what she is feeling because I went through the same thing (and I told her all of this), I think I am just worried of the change.

 

Don't be worried about change, be worried about not being able to adjust to and accept change.

[losangelena]

So, my girlfriend and I are approaching a year since we started dating (August 1st of last year and it's been an amazing year) and we kind of hit a tricky spot on Sunday night. It kind of came out of the blue, but in reality I should have seen it coming. In July, she's moving out and getting her own apartment. It'll be the first time she's ever lived without family or roommates and she's excited about it. And rightfully so.

 

However, basically since winter, she's been staying at my place probably half the time, we went on a week-long vacation, got on the same Costco account and have pretty much been living at her friends apartment together (she's catsitting while they're in Asia for five weeks).

 

Also, as a side note, she wasn't ready to sign a lease together yet. I would have been ready to had she wanted to. Instead, I signed on again with my new lease expiring in February and she signed on for a year.

 

I've mentioned before she's introverted and needs alone time, which I've learned to adapt to, but she says this is different and is her fiercely independent streak kicking in. I was fine with her going in the other room and doing her own thing/going out with friends, but then coming home to each other every night.

 

Now she wants to build in like scheduled time for us to see each other. I'm kind of at a loss and am worried because I feel like this is one of those make or break moments. She's clearly going to need to build in time for friends/family, me and her independence and it's going to be hard for me if I'm getting two nights out of seven all of a sudden when I'm used to seeing her more often than not. She hasn't said only two nights a week, I just sort of threw that number out there.

 

Admittedly, that's selfish of me because I completely get where she is at. I was there too at one point. She knows it's selfish of her, but is just something she wants to try.

 

She could end up getting sick of living alone after a month like I did, or she could still love it a year from now and I'm not sure where that would leave us. The latter is what scares. I know I need more, but I'm going to suck it up now and let her have this experience. But I'm scared of what it might to do us if it carries on for a year (which she said let's assume it won't/doesn't think it will).

 

Any advice on how to handle this scenario?

 

OP, maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I'm a bit unsure as to what the main issue is. You're in your lease until February, right? I don't think it's weird for a couple to keep separate spaces a year in. Just last night someone asked why my BF and I weren't living together yet (we just hit the nine-month mark), and I told her that while I spend three – five nights a week at his place, I enjoy having my own space. I like having somewhere to go that's my own. Moving in together is a BIG DEAL, and not one that should be entered into lightly. Personally, we would be having to go down the road to engagement before I'd move in with a boyfriend.

 

How do you all plan time to see each other now? It could just be that as the relationship progresses, she wants to make sure that she doesn't "lose herself" completely to it. I get that. As much as I love spending time with my BF, I had an active and vibrant social life before I met him. I recognize that I have to sacrifice some of that time for him, but it's still important to me to preserve as much of that as I can. That's NOT actually selfish. That's being careful to not place the burden of total social and emotional fulfillment on my BF's head.

 

Are you afraid that she's going to like living alone so much that she's never going to want to live with you? If she's the one in the relationship that is less comfortable with that, then let her ease into it. I really think you're getting ahead of yourself with some worst case scenario thinking. Don't worry—I very much doubt you're going to get placed on the bottom of your GF's priority list when she chooses to live alone.

[jjtr]

OP, maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I'm a bit unsure as to what the main issue is. You're in your lease until February, right? I don't think it's weird for a couple to keep separate spaces a year in. Just last night someone asked why my BF and I weren't living together yet (we just hit the nine-month mark), and I told her that while I spend three – five nights a week at his place, I enjoy having my own space. I like having somewhere to go that's my own. Moving in together is a BIG DEAL, and not one that should be entered into lightly. Personally, we would be having to go down the road to engagement before I'd move in with a boyfriend.

 

How do you all plan time to see each other now? It could just be that as the relationship progresses, she wants to make sure that she doesn't "lose herself" completely to it. I get that. As much as I love spending time with my BF, I had an active and vibrant social life before I met him. I recognize that I have to sacrifice some of that time for him, but it's still important to me to preserve as much of that as I can. That's NOT actually selfish. That's being careful to not place the burden of total social and emotional fulfillment on my BF's head.

 

Are you afraid that she's going to like living alone so much that she's never going to want to live with you? If she's the one in the relationship that is less comfortable with that, then let her ease into it. I really think you're getting ahead of yourself with some worst case scenario thinking. Don't worry—I very much doubt you're going to get placed on the bottom of your GF's priority list when she chooses to live alone.

 

Sorry! Maybe I didn't make it clear in my original post. I wasn't concerned with separate living spaces, just that she no longer wanted to spend every night (or most nights) staying with me.

 

It was something that kind of came out of the blue, as we had joked about one of our places becoming a holding spot just to keep stuff since we'd always be staying with one another. I got concerned that she has backed off that idea. For example, right now we basically go to work, do whatever after work if we have plans and then stay with each other pretty much every night.

 

It concerned me because I saw it as her wanting to see less of me.

[losangelena]

Oh, I see. Yes, this does make more sense, then.

 

However, I would try (it's hard, I know) to not read too much into this. It could very well be what I said earlier, that she doesn't want to lose herself completely to the relationship, or wants keep a bit of autonomy. That doesn't mean she's not all-in.

 

This all could very well mean that you don't see each other AS much, but I bet that the quality of the time you do spend together will be better. My BF is kind of that point now where he'd be totally happy to have me come over every night after work, but I like having my own place to go a few time a week. I'm a big introvert though, too.

[losangelena]

It would be different if you two just naturally saw one another only 2 days a week all this time, but you have been seeing one another much more than that. Suddenly, she is now saying she has you scheduled in for 2 days a week, with the possibility for more. Seems like she wants to step back from your relationship a bit and do other things, and then maybe hang out with you when she is bored.

 

Two nights a week is what OP threw out as a hypothetical. His GF has NEVER said she only wants to see him two nights a week. OP even goes on to clarify that point in subsequent posts.

[PogoStick]

Didn't you both sign year leases? You should expect a year.

 

Truth is, what you're looking at is a totally normal relationship. People live apart, date, spend time together. I understand you feel it's taking a step back though.

 

If you're relationship is going well you'll probably find your staying at each other's places all the time anyway. You should understand this is a very important time for her to grow into an adult. Be supportive, not selfish.

 

However, you should also understand that when people mature it's normal for relationships to change, and be prepared for it to end. If that's the way its going then accept it and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but it's better than torturing yourself for years over "the girl you lost".

[aloneinaz]

Listen, if she is suggesting that you're going to be spending less time together now that she has her own place, that's a concern and could be a sign that she's checking out. The other concern is she's young and now has this major independence with having her own place.

 

 

Maybe she's wanting to slow down a bit because she may want explore a bit before getting heavily into a relationship (moving in together) while still so young.

 

 

Google signs that your partner is losing interest in you or signs your partner is checking out of your relationships. When they stop wanting to spend as much time together, the communication isn't as much, want to spend more time with their friends, etc..

 

 

My ex was SCREAMING she was losing interest in me with her signs that I ignored. Sex was becoming MUCH less frequent. She always had a headache, was exhausted, yeast infection, name the excuse. She wanted to spend more "alone" time with her kids. Didn't want to come to my place as much. I looked back after she ended it and said to myself DUH!

 

 

Anyway, just really look at the health of that relationship honestly. You'd think she want the guy she's crazy about to enjoy her new apartment with her as often as possible, not discuss "a schedule of times YOUR ALLOWED to visit"..

Edited June 9, 2015 by aloneinaz

[jjtr]

I should say that 2 nights a week was what I threw out as a hypothetical. Since winter, I would say the average was 4 nights a week that we were staying together and it had since ramped up a bit. When I said two nights a week, she specifically stated, "I'm also not saying two nights a week."

 

Since we talked, I am confident that she is not checking out or wanting to take a step back. She specifically stated that this is not because she wants to spend less time with me or that she doesn't enjoy spending time with me. I think I jumped to that conclusion because, in the past, she has sometimes just wanted to be alone because she's introverted. I adapted to that and was fine with just showing up at the same apartment and just doing our own things. She says this isn't that and that it's different. She specifically stated something along the lines of:

 

In terms of staying over all the time, she just really wants to experience living on her own. She admitted it was a bit selfish, but she had been living with roommates for the past 7 years and wanted to live by herself this past year but it didn't work out. She said she doesn't view it as bad for our relationship. She also said this is her fiercely independent streak and that's different from the "alone time" that I referred to. She's saying this is her just wanting to experience living on her own a bit. Which, I understand because I felt the same way when I first moved into my very own place. She told me 'Yes, I do understand that we're approaching a year and that's when a lot of people already are moving in with each other, but I'm also a bit behind, and may be ready for that more down the road. I also don't want you to think this is me not liking us spending time together, or thinking like, "Oh crap, she wants to spend less time' - I know it probably comes off that way. But, honestly, this is just me."

 

I admitted my concerns and she said that she didn't think this phase would last a year, but that she did want times to experience this without me being their every day/night. I mean, I know we are coming at this from slightly different angles. I am 28 and have been out of school for a few years/have lived by myself before. She just graduated law school and has never lived alone.

 

Our relationship has been really strong. I completely trust her and things have been great so far. Sometimes I overthink things. This may well be one of those scenarios. For all I know, things will be the same they were from January to May and we'll still be spending 3 or 4 nights a week together. My thought though, based on the way it seemed we were heading, was that we were going to basically live together without officially living together.

[jjtr]

Didn't you both sign year leases? You should expect a year.

 

Truth is, what you're looking at is a totally normal relationship. People live apart, date, spend time together. I understand you feel it's taking a step back though.

 

If you're relationship is going well you'll probably find your staying at each other's places all the time anyway. You should understand this is a very important time for her to grow into an adult. Be supportive, not selfish.

 

However, you should also understand that when people mature it's normal for relationships to change, and be prepared for it to end. If that's the way its going then accept it and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but it's better than torturing yourself for years over "the girl you lost".

 

I will admit that I am 100% not prepared for this. I have fallen for this girl harder than anyone, even though I made every effort to be cautious because of previous relationships.

[SomeDude16]

For future reference, don't move in together unless there is a ring on the finger. 3 nights a week together at most. Space should be something the strengthens relationships for the most part, not weakens them. Hope everything works out for ya...

[Gary S]

Two dates a week is within bounds of a happy and healthy relationship, don't worry about it. I'm not saying it's what everybody wants, you'll have to decide that for yourself.

[jjtr]

I also just realized that I need to confirm whether or not this is just sleepovers or dates. I'll ask her tomorrow when I see her.

 

For some reason I am assuming she meant the latter. So I think I'll ask her, "Are you saying we limit just sleepovers each week or just seeing each other in general? For example, what if we spontaneously want to go to dinner one night or your co-workers are going for drinks after work? Are we going to say no because it's not a 'scheduled' day?"

[Gary S]

I would refrain from asking her about it, let her bring it up. Acting needy could turn her off even more. Just see how it plays out.

[Redhead14]

I also just realized that I need to confirm whether or not this is just sleepovers or dates. I'll ask her tomorrow when I see her.

 

For some reason I am assuming she meant the latter. So I think I'll ask her, "Are you saying we limit just sleepovers each week or just seeing each other in general? For example, what if we spontaneously want to go to dinner one night or your co-workers are going for drinks after work? Are we going to say no because it's not a 'scheduled' day?"

 

This is what I was talking about in my earlier response. There should be some flexibility in terms of the specific days. In other words, let's say you've scheduled Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. There is something that comes up for one of you that needs to happen on Thursday. Then you would schedule something between you on one of the other "off" days if possible. If that can't happen, you just forego it. It can't be written in stone because things don't happen that way. It's just a guideline.

[losangelena]

I predict that this whole scheduling business is just a precautionary measure designed to make sure she preserves that living alone experience. I bet she'll back down off of it very soon. I think she'll realize that her fears are unfounded, and that she still wants to see you as much as she does now.

 

I've never lived alone before, and I'm 34! Because of roommates and everything, I spend the majority of my time at my BF's place. Even though things are going relatively well between us, I'm still contemplating getting my own place. I think that if anything, it could make our relationship better. That way the burden of always hosting is not on him, but shared.

 

Anyway, good luck, OP. I'm sure it'll all go fine.

[jjtr]

Yep, seems that this was a big misinterpretation/overreaction on my part.

 

I spoke with her a bit ago and told her that I felt dumb because I think I completely misinterpreted her request. She asked me how I thought I misinterpreted it and I explained it. I said I was concerned that we would only see each other on scheduled days and if we wanted to grab drinks, do dinner or go on a double date with friends on non-scheduled days (all of which we do on a fairly regular basis), we wouldn't because it fell on the non-scheduled days.

 

She laughed and said she was just referring to building in a schedule for sleepovers. She explained that it would help her with knowing she had to get stuff done on non-sleepover nights so she could focus her attention on me on those nights where we were staying together. Also, that it would just allow her to lay out that time to be independent.

 

I should have understood it as that from the beginning, but for some reason it didn't occur to me. I'm actually kind of glad this topic came up, because it made us both recognize that we need to communicate things better/more clearly.