Yummm Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 So for all those suffering today, here's something to discuss. I came across this article somewhere and wanted to know your views. In short: My 'first love' broke up with me after only a 3 month relationship, but it was so out of the blue with so many unanswered questions that the shock to the system has been horrific. Obviously I am not saying that cheating is any better, but IN MY OPINION I would feel like I could 'let go' alot easier if I was told something brutally honest like I was being cheated on, or something similar. Right now, especially with all the breadcrumbs and signs, it's very hard to let go even after using NC. No one ever said breakups were easy, but if I said there wasn’t a spectrum to them, I’d be lying. It’s only natural to conclude acts of lying and cheating are the most painful ways to have our hearts broken, but in reality, this isn’t the case. Why is it that when our partners fall out of love, stop talking to us or, better yet, disappear on us, it hurts that much more? Why does it take that much longer for us to forget and move on? The answer rests in the power of disengagement. It’s an underestimated and indefinable pain we rarely ever talk about. Disengagement is not as sexy as the affairs we see on television, and it’s usually not the term we hear when discussing how a relationship came to an end. Stories of disengagement are rarely shared because many of us feel embarrassed and confused, and we have only ourselves to blame. In “Daring Greatly,” Brené Brown, my favorite champion of vulnerability, shame and, well, feelings, explains disengagement as, “There is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust. In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship.” As someone who has experienced a multitude of hurt from cheating, lying, manipulation, ghosting and everything in between, I support this claim wholeheartedly. Disengagement leaves us feeling betrayed because someone stopped trying, showing up and opening up to us. Soon before I was cheated on, I felt the disengagement seep in. It became so unbearable, I was forced to end the relationship. However, the cheating, which I learned about soon after the breakup, hurt less in comparison (despite being shocking and inconceivable). The title alone, “cheating,” provides a clear, logical answer to our pain. It is through disengagement’s lack of definition and ambivalence that creates a wealth of uncertainty and unanswered pain. In a way though, I was almost grateful the cheating and lying came to fruition. It brought me the black and white reasons I needed, even strength, to end the relationship and move forward. It’s almost as if at some point, society mailed us an unwritten rulebook of terms for breaking up, with cheating on the top. Yet, when it comes to not feeling loved and cared for in relationships, we’re usually told to work on the relationship harder or to forget about it altogether. Either way, we are still left with such an unforgiving pain. Why is that? Brown breaks it down for us by explaining, “What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain — there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.” Crazy-making is simply the only way to put it. This is why, although not all equally scaled, these forms of disengagement — waiting for that text back, never getting called back, getting ghosted after a successful month of dating or not being heard in a serious relationship — are all pervasively awful acts. The pain is rooted in our inability to pinpoint it, which is harder to process than the logical pain born from cheating and lying. Unfortunately, in this generation, the persistent use of technology keeps us simultaneously engaged and distant from one another, and disengagement is at an all-time high. Aziz Ansari, comedian and now relationship expert, analyzes this conundrum in his most recent stand-up, “Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden”: “Everything has changed. Take your most basic problem as a single person: When you like someone, and they don’t like you back. Or, take the reverse: When someone likes you, and you don’t like them back. At one point in time, it used to be kind of a weird thing. It was awkward, it was a conversation, it was something you had to deal with. Now, what do people do? Someone likes you, and you don’t like them back? Just pretend to be busy, forever. That’s what people do now. They pretend to be busy forever, and then they conduct this strange psychological experiment where it’s like, ‘Hmm, how much hope does this person have? How many times do I need to pretend to be busy before they realize this many scheduling conflicts is statistically impossible and something else is going on?’” Regardless of the number of ways we now have to connect with one another, each of form of communication also provides an opportunity to ignore and disengage from each other. Through the use of text messages, we can completely cancel on one another last minute, break up or even worse, never respond. Disengagement triggers shame, humiliation and insecurity. No one deserves disengagement. We muster the confidence to put in our all, we choose optimism, and we uphold even the slightest expectations. There is a lack a respect and a lack of value we feel when someone doesn’t even show up or even possess the courage to reject us face-to-face. I can’t offer a solution to this because when we take risks in love, we risk getting hurt. In spite of that, if you can understand why you’re in pain and why it feels like you’re drowning in a never-ending pool of feelings, it sure as hell will help. “When people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship,” Brown writes, “trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in.” Just know you are not crazy, despite how you may feel. Know every ounce of pain you’re feeling from that person who got up and disappeared is normal (even if you technically weren’t in a relationship). Remember a lack of reason does not make it your fault, your blame to take or your solution to find. Realize you may never find any answers, but you’ll still be more than okay. Plus, if you get an answer, you might not want to hear it. The truth is the universe may never provide us the answers we want at the time we want them. But once you can accept this, peace will find you, even if the pain is still alive. Thoughts? Or is this BS? Discuss!
DinnerForOne Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) “What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain — there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.” This is exactly what happened to me. I literally thought I was going crazy and believed that I had done something terrible that I wasn't even aware of. I believed that if I "Fix Myself", I could fix the marriage. It never occurred to me that the person I loved the most on earth could be even partially responsible for his non-participation in the marriage. “When people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship,” Brown writes, “trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in.” Agree 100%. And we simply don't understand where that hurt is actually coming from. Loss of trust does not just happen when someone cheats, it happens when someone betrays our minds. We first lose trust in ourselves, our own instincts and judgement....... and eventually we realize..... Hey! wait a minute.....and then it's usually too late. Edited June 9, 2015 by DinnerForOne Adding to last paragraph 1
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Didn't read the article (sorry) but to your point - a harsh reason is better than no reason. Not knowing is the suckiest thing of all. 1
DinnerForOne Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Didn't read the article (sorry) but to your point - a harsh reason is better than no reason. Not knowing is the suckiest thing of all. Absolutely.... you have no "foundation" so to say to pin-point the exact reason your marriage is failing or falling to pieces. I honestly think the worst part is the loss of trust we have in ourselves that disengagement breeds.... and it can go on for years.... years of wondering why? Maybe I must just try harder? Maybe I'm too fat, too sexy, too busy, too old, too whatever... and it's soul destroying. ETA: and it is always easier to cast blame on the OM/OW. Even though the marriage probably broke down before the incident... being able to cast "blame" outside the marriage is just a coping mechanism I guess. Edited June 9, 2015 by DinnerForOne Added paragraph
Jimmyjackson Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 For months I was unaware that my ex had indeed kissed someone behind my back, once I found out it really took her off that pedestal and gave me a reason to really dislike her and determination to move on. Although I'm not 100% there yet, I do feel a lot better now that I know, so yeah; I agree it does make it a bit easier. My friend broke up with girlfriend because he didn't really like her that much, he didn't have anyone lined up and hasn't even been with anyone since and it was 4 months ago. His ex told me she found it hard to move on because he's such a nice guy and he hasn't really done anything wrong, he just didn't want to be with her.
Maverick27 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 This is a really interesting article. I believe i did this to my ex, without even realising it. We had been living together for a few months and i got really distant and stopped putting much effort into the relationship and just got very focused on my studies etc. I let the romance slip out of the relationship, i even stopped wanting to have sex with her - i was later diagnised with major depression, but was not aware of this at the time. She continued to feel isolated and alienated and would often cry at night ( i wasnt aware of this until after we broke up). She ended up cheating on me and leaving for someone else that showed her the attention she needed. I was left with a very strange mix of emotions after that. I was so angry at her for what she did (and the lying that followed), but i was also very ashamed and angry at myself for unknowling making her feel so isolated. I tried to get her back desperately (even after she cheated) - but my words of love seemed like a lie to her after being so disengaged for so many months. Even now, 3 months on, after the cheating and the lies, i still feel like i hurt her more for disengaging from her and forcing her to look for love somewhere else.
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