123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Snooping ends a relationship in my book. Zero tolerance. 3
central Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 What's worse? Cheating, or snooping on a suspected cheater? If you can't check on suspected cheating, you have no options but to accept it or leave, perhaps never knowing if anything was going on - or not. The naysayers on investigating aren't offering a viable alternative. It seems like they're saying to even throw away a 20 year marriage over suspicion, because you don't dare look for evidence. It's certain that asking or accusing without evidence will simply result in the cheater denying everything. To not check when there is reasonable suspicion is stupidity. 2
jen1447 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I think the law enforcement analogy could work here again (altho ironically they're two totally different things - criminal and civil evidence standards are not at all the same) .... The police only investigate when there's already plausible suspicion or evidence of wrongdoing. So you can get a search warrant and do a raid on a house where there's been drug-trafficking observed forex, but you can't just randomly pick a house to raid. So likewise infidelity investigations - if something legit gets you suspicious (the drug trafficking above), you become entitled to check into it further. Otherwise, you're violating basic 4th amendment rights (randomly picking a house to raid). btw imo the child comparison fails due to the fact that children are essentially parental property in that regard. (That sounds sh*tty but it's true.) They don't enjoy the same privacy protections bc their rights as sentient beings with full autonomy aren't recognized until adulthood. While some sensible boundaries should be put in place by parents to avoid Tayla-type situations, it's still ultimately up to the parents to choose what degree of privacy to allow their children - specifically in order to properly protect them.
123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 What's worse? Cheating, or snooping on a suspected cheater? And our false dichotomy for the day is .... If you can't trust them, you should end it. If you do trust them, well what were you saying? 1
autumnnight Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 What's worse? Cheating, or snooping on a suspected cheater? If you can't check on suspected cheating, you have no options but to accept it or leave, perhaps never knowing if anything was going on - or not. The naysayers on investigating aren't offering a viable alternative. It seems like they're saying to even throw away a 20 year marriage over suspicion, because you don't dare look for evidence. It's certain that asking or accusing without evidence will simply result in the cheater denying everything. To not check when there is reasonable suspicion is stupidity. Cheating is worse than snooping. Falsely accusing someone of cheating and having too much pride to eat the crow you just cooked is pretty sad, however. I can hear it now: Honey, you should be happy! I called you a cheating ho, but it turned out I was wrong! Aren't you lucky to have me 3
central Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 And our false dichotomy for the day is .... If you can't trust them, you should end it. If you do trust them, well what were you saying? Cheating isn't justified. Protecting yourself from a wayward partner is. It's that simple. Leaving can have heavy costs, so it is necessary to be informed. If YOU wish to take that risk, that's your choice. I have to wonder if your position is based on self-interest, in that you have something to hide. I would not take such a risk, and that's my choice. 2
123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Cheating isn't justified. Protecting yourself from a wayward partner is. It's that simple. Leaving can have heavy costs, so it is necessary to be informed. If YOU wish to take that risk, that's your choice. I have to wonder if your position is based on self-interest, in that you have something to hide. I would not take such a risk, and that's my choice. So you would be with someone you can't trust? Because I will not, and that's why I don't need to violate other peoples privacy. I expect the same, no slack, no exceptions.
Tayla Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Cheating isn't justified. Protecting yourself from a wayward partner is. It's that simple. Leaving can have heavy costs, so it is necessary to be informed. If YOU wish to take that risk, that's your choice. I have to wonder if your position is based on self-interest, in that you have something to hide. I would not take such a risk, and that's my choice. actually both methods are a form of deception, ergo two wrongs do not make a right. we are speaking of snooping in general as adults. so my stance remains, respect a persons privacy on certain matters. We are not here debating the cheaters habits. So heres the method to use. Openly state the suscpions and tell them outright you are going to go thru their things. That way you are upfront and if they say No, then go to plan b. Hire an attorney or get counseling. Too many ppl make assumptions that lead them down a slippery slope. And as autumn said, too few are willing to apologize when they falsely accuse. so there is that. and on a side note, parents do not have absolute authority on children/minors. They have provisional duties, not withstanding any physical and emotional abuse. 2
central Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 So you would be with someone you can't trust? Because I will not, and that's why I don't need to violate other peoples privacy. I expect the same, no slack, no exceptions. Ah, a stupid straw man argument. Let's say you marry, and years later your spouse cheats on you. They've been trustworthy for years - but people change and can go from loving you to betraying you. If there are signs of such, I will investigate, and if I'm lucky, may find out early enough to prevent cheating, and save the relationship. To me, that's better than trusting them and being betrayed, leaving me with few options but to divorce them and deal with the financial, emotional, and other repercussions. You would rather not find out they're cheating until they ruin your life. Your choice, perhaps, but being a rational and intelligent person, I will attempt to avoid such outcomes.
123321 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 Ah, a stupid straw man argument. Let's say you marry, and years later your spouse cheats on you. They've been trustworthy for years - but people change and can go from loving you to betraying you. If there are signs of such, I will investigate, and if I'm lucky, may find out early enough to prevent cheating, and save the relationship. To me, that's better than trusting them and being betrayed, leaving me with few options but to divorce them and deal with the financial, emotional, and other repercussions. You would rather not find out they're cheating until they ruin your life. Your choice, perhaps, but being a rational and intelligent person, I will attempt to avoid such outcomes. It's a strawman if I say you argued it. I'm asking: Would you be with someone you can't trust? I would not. I won't tolerate snooping. How about you?
123321 Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Snooping doesn't always reveal wrong doing, it can set minds at rest too. That sounds great in theory but IMO it's never the case. The only way to stop it is to put your foot down and demand trust, and then live up to it. Snooping is a habit and like other habits, doing it just reinforces it. It's root is almost always because the person either has secrets of their own, or has been cheated on, or both. If you let it start, it's not getting better. Trust can be trained.
Pompom Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Parents get to snoop because their kids are KIDS, and as such, their silly little brains don't know how to deal with this potentially dangerous world and its consequences quite yet. But unless your SO has special needs in terms of mental capacities, applying this comparison makes no sense. A sound-minded adult partner knows what they're doing, and you not liking what that is, doesn't mean you get to play legal guardian/tutelage. 3
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