Snooping - Right or wrong?

[deadelvis]

Ok here's a question for the non-snoopers.

 

Me and my SO both have passcodes on our phones mainly so if we lose our phones people don't have access to our information or private photos etc. I told her my passcode so she can use the internet on my phone (she always runs out of minutes) I also don't care if she looks through my phone. I have nothing to hide, but she doesn't snoop anyway.

 

Note: She has a lot of male friends who she's hooked up with in the past and still hangs out with. I'm not very comfortable with that but I've accepted it. I'm always suspicious of their dynamic and the types of conversations they have. Last night I had to tell my ex that we can't be friends anymore, because she was acting in a way that made me uncomfortable (talking about how she missed having sex with me, being touchy and flirty etc.) I always wonder if my current GF's behavior with her ex's is appropriate or if (like my ex last night) she's flirty and makes inappropriate comments. I won't lie, it bothers me when I see her texting with her ex's and former flings. I would really love to have a look through the text conversations with her male friends. Or maybe I don't want to know. I'm not really sure. Anyway...

 

So here's the question...

My SO is in the shower. Her phone is on the nightstand. It dings to announce a new text has arrived. On the lock screen it say's "new message from so-and-so" and it shows the first few lines of the text message. Do I look over at the screen and see who just texted her? If it's a male friend, do I read those first few lines of the text? It's not like hiring a private investigator. I don't even have to touch her phone, all I have to do is look at the screen after it dings. Is that snooping? What about when we are in bed and she's texting? Can I glance at who the recipient is? If it's a male friend can I look a little longer and try to see what they're texting to each other? Is that snooping?

[autumnnight]

I don't consider looking at something that pops up on a screen snooping.

 

I also consider my spouse to be different from the child I am raising, but hey, that's just me.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I don't think you get to snoop in anything clearly private and withheld, such as emails, private messages, SMS, etc. Even in a relationship, privacy should be respected.

 

Nope. Sorry. If a person that I'm giving all of my time, my attention, my emotional investment, my affection, my HEALTH and my love to begins to show signs of being deceptive, deceitful, shady and is abusing me verbally, psychologically or emotionally...you bet your a$$ I'm going to do some detective work to find out what it is that they're possibly doing behind my back. When a person begins to mistreat, abuse or is being deceitful to the one person in the world that they're supposed to love and respect, they LOSE all of their rights to their 'privacy'.

 

As someone who has unfortunately had the negatively life-changing experience of being married to a lying, manipulative, abusive and cheating exhusband - and after having given him the benefit of the doubt for YEARS before finally giving in to 'snooping' on his cell phone and on our FAMILY computer that our children and I used - it was because of my 'detective work' that I had caught him in a myriad of lies and had found out that he was CHEATING on me and had sex with at least one woman that was apparent (I'm sure there were others) given the 'evidence' I had discovered on my own.

 

Had I followed the ridiculous notion that a lot of people have about how snooping is 'wrong', how everyone has a 'right to their privacy' and how a person should 'never snoop no matter what', I NEVER would've found out what that bastard had been doing behind my back. He destroyed my trust and my love for him, he destroyed our marriage, he destroyed our children's sense of security and our family unit - he destroyed our LIVES! When I think about how much longer I might've still been married to him and how much longer I would've continued to live his horrific LIES and with the deceit and the verbal and emotional abuse...it literally makes me shudder and I feel SICK to my stomach.

 

So, when I read or hear people saying how a person should NEVER snoop on their significant other 'no matter what' and that if they mistrust their SO that much that they should just 'leave them', it really strikes a nerve with me and makes shake my head. A person who has invested their time, their heart and their LIFE in a deceitful person can't just up and leave them without definitive PROOF!! A person can't divorce them and uproot their children and change their lives based on intuition or on a hunch!! And they certainly can't rely on their deceitful SO to tell them the TRUTH about what they're doing behind their back - because 9 times out of 10, the deceitful person ***LIES*** to their spouse or SO about what they're doing!!!

 

So...for the people who think someone else shouldn't 'snoop' on their SO or spouse 'no matter what', they have a right to their opinion and a right to live their lives based on that ridiculous notion. But, for the rest of us...we know better.

 

 

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[writergal]

Nope. Sorry. If a person that I'm giving all of my time, my attention, my emotional investment, my affection, my HEALTH and my love to begins to show signs of being deceptive, deceitful, shady and is abusing me verbally, psychologically or emotionally...you bet your a$$ I'm going to do some detective work to find out what it is that they're possibly doing behind my back. When a person begins to mistreat, abuse or is being deceitful to the one person in the world that they're supposed to love and respect, they LOSE all of their rights to their 'privacy'.

 

As someone who has unfortunately had the negatively life-changing experience of being married to a lying, manipulative, abusive and cheating exhusband - and after having given him the benefit of the doubt for YEARS before finally giving in to 'snooping' on his cell phone and on our FAMILY computer that our children and I used - it was because of my 'detective work' that I had caught him in a myriad of lies and had found out that he was CHEATING on me and had sex with at least one woman that was apparent (I'm sure there were others) given the 'evidence' I had discovered on my own.

 

Had I followed the ridiculous notion that a lot of people have about how snooping is 'wrong', how everyone has a 'right to their privacy' and how a person should 'never snoop no matter what', I NEVER would've found out what that bastard had been doing behind my back. He destroyed my trust and my love for him, he destroyed our marriage, he destroyed our children's sense of security and our family unit - he destroyed our LIVES! When I think about how much longer I might've still been married to him and how much longer I would've continued to live his horrific LIES and with the deceit and the verbal and emotional abuse...it literally makes me shudder and I feel SICK to my stomach.

 

So, when I read or hear people saying how a person should NEVER snoop on their significant other 'no matter what' and that if they mistrust their SO that much that they should just 'leave them', it really strikes a nerve with me and makes shake my head. A person who has invested their time, their heart and their LIFE in a deceitful person can't just up and leave them without definitive PROOF!! A person can't divorce them and uproot their children and change their lives based on intuition or on a hunch!! And they certainly can't rely on their deceitful SO to tell them the TRUTH about what they're doing behind their back - because 9 times out of 10, the deceitful person ***LIES*** to their spouse or SO about what they're doing!!!

 

So...for the people who think someone else shouldn't 'snoop' on their SO or spouse 'no matter what', they have a right to their opinion and a right to live their lives based on that ridiculous notion. But, for the rest of us...we know better.

 

 

.

 

+1! Thank you for your articulate post!! And I'm sorry to hear that you were married to a cheating husband. You deserve so much better than that.

[Methodical]

^^Perfect example of why there is no "one size fits all," or right/wrong answer. When just cause exists and intuition kicks in, there's generally a justifiable reason.

[writergal]

I don't consider looking at something that pops up on a screen snooping.

 

I also consider my spouse to be different from the child I am raising, but hey, that's just me.

 

But it totally is! The parent can read word-for-word every single text and email that their child sends and receives. What if that child was doing drugs, having sex, or drinking under age? Wouldn't it be good for that parent to find out via those apps and intervene? The only way that parent would know was because he/she snooped on the child.

 

Funny how you don't consider that snooping, yet if your significant other is cheating on you, how do you confirm this to be true if your womanly hunch alarm bells go off because he's behaving towards you differently?

 

Are you seriously going to tell me that you won't do anything to confirm your suspicions? That's where the 'anti-snooping' stance falls short, in my opinion. It's totally unrealistic not to follow up with detective work aka 'snooping' to confirm a hunch that your spouse is cheating on you.

 

People hire private investigators to follow their cheating spouse. Does that not count as snooping? People install apps on their spouses computers and cellphones to track their incoming and outgoing messages, yet that's completely different than monitoring a child's incoming and outgoing messages? Why?

 

Both are meant to keep an eye on the person's activities because there's been a breech of trust that has yet to be confirmed with evidence. And that evidence is 100% found digitally these days, via text messages, emails, voicemails, Snapchats, Facebook messages, etc.

 

You will really have to convince me that snooping is never warranted when you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, or that your child is up to something illegal that could bring harm to him/her. To harp on me for not apologizing for snooping is just another way to sidetrack the conversation about whether or not snooping is right or wrong. What I choose to do with my relationships is my business. I don't have to defend or justify my decisions and won't.

[Buck Turgidson]

Nope. Sorry. If a person that I'm giving all of my time, my attention, my emotional investment, my affection, my HEALTH and my love to begins to show signs of being deceptive, deceitful, shady and is abusing me verbally, psychologically or emotionally...you bet your a$$ I'm going to do some detective work to find out what it is that they're possibly doing behind my back. When a person begins to mistreat, abuse or is being deceitful to the one person in the world that they're supposed to love and respect, they LOSE all of their rights to their 'privacy'.

 

Nope. Sorry. My mommy always taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. If someone is abusing you, that alone is sufficient cause to break up. At that point, you leave and who cares what else he's been doing?

[writergal]

Nope. Sorry. My mommy always taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. If someone is abusing you, that alone is sufficient cause to break up. At that point, you leave and who cares what else he's been doing?

 

But if the cheater is hiding his/her cheating and the only way to confirm it is to check text messages, and email messages that is 100% warranted and justifiable.

 

Snooping isn't wrong. It's necessary when the person you're with, has breached your trust. Now, if the person is physically abusing you, that's not a case where snooping is even applicable. So, I'm not sure what you're trying to prove by bringing that example into the conversation. The OP asked people to share their opinion on snooping (is it right or wrong). Being physically abused by a partner has nothing at all to do with snooping.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

But it totally is! The parent can read word-for-word every single text and email that their child sends and receives. What if that child was doing drugs, having sex, or drinking under age? Wouldn't it be good for that parent to find out via those apps and intervene? The only way that parent would know was because he/she snooped on the child.

 

Funny how you don't consider that snooping, yet if your significant other is cheating on you, how do you confirm this to be true if your womanly hunch alarm bells go off because he's behaving towards you differently?

 

Are you seriously going to tell me that you won't do anything to confirm your suspicions? That's where the 'anti-snooping' stance falls short, in my opinion. It's totally unrealistic not to follow up with detective work aka 'snooping' to confirm a hunch that your spouse is cheating on you.

 

People hire private investigators to follow their cheating spouse. Does that not count as snooping? People install apps on their spouses computers and cellphones to track their incoming and outgoing messages, yet that's completely different than monitoring a child's incoming and outgoing messages? Why?

 

Both are meant to keep an eye on the person's activities because there's been a breech of trust that has yet to be confirmed with evidence. And that evidence is 100% found digitally these days, via text messages, emails, voicemails, Snapchats, Facebook messages, etc.

 

You will really have to convince me that snooping is never warranted when you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, or that your child is up to something illegal that could bring harm to him/her. To harp on me for not apologizing for snooping is just another way to sidetrack the conversation about whether or not snooping is right or wrong. What I choose to do with my relationships is my business. I don't have to defend or justify my decisions and won't.

 

 

+1 Backatcha!

 

I think - at this very moment - that in an alternate universe, you exist as my twin and somehow, our subconscious minds are intermingling in this current space and time lol

 

Seriously though, you and I are in total agreement with this 'snooping' thing because we're intelligent enough, we value our time and have enough self-respect to search for the truth when we know in our gut that someone is deceiving us or is acting suspiciously enough that merits us doing some 'detective work' to discover and arrive at the truth - whatever that truth ends up being. And, only people who have been deceived and have been cheated on totally understand why 'snooping' is absolutely necessary to protect one's heart, one's health and one's principles and values.

 

 

 

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[writergal]

+1 Backatcha!

 

I think - at this very moment - that in an alternate universe, you exist as my twin and somehow, our subconscious minds are intermingling in this current space and time lol

 

Seriously though, you and I are in total agreement with this 'snooping' thing because we're intelligent enough, we value our time and have enough self-respect to search for the truth when we know in our gut that someone is deceiving us or is acting suspiciously enough that merits us doing some 'detective work' to discover and arrive at the truth - whatever that truth ends up being. And, only people who have been deceived and have been cheated on totally understand why 'snooping' is absolutely necessary to protect one's heart, one's health and one's principles and values.

 

.

 

Ditto to everything you've posted my friend!

[Methodical]

Nope. Sorry. My mommy always taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. If someone is abusing you, that alone is sufficient cause to break up. At that point, you leave and who cares what else he's been doing?

 

Your mommy must not have taught you when stating your opinion, merit is awarded when supportive information is given to back your position. BOZG gave several reasons and abuse was only one of those. Unlike physical abuse that generally leaves visible evidence in its wake, verbal, psychological and emotional abuse do not. Proving the forms of abuse she spoke of is nearly impossible, unless the abuser has done so in the form of emails, text messages, and voicemails. Also, in marriages, you don't just break up!

Edited June 12, 2015 by Methodical

[PrettyEmily77]

Nope. Sorry. If a person that I'm giving all of my time, my attention, my emotional investment, my affection, my HEALTH and my love to begins to show signs of being deceptive, deceitful, shady and is abusing me verbally, psychologically or emotionally...you bet your a$$ I'm going to do some detective work to find out what it is that they're possibly doing behind my back. When a person begins to mistreat, abuse or is being deceitful to the one person in the world that they're supposed to love and respect, they LOSE all of their rights to their 'privacy'.

 

As someone who has unfortunately had the negatively life-changing experience of being married to a lying, manipulative, abusive and cheating exhusband - and after having given him the benefit of the doubt for YEARS before finally giving in to 'snooping' on his cell phone and on our FAMILY computer that our children and I used - it was because of my 'detective work' that I had caught him in a myriad of lies and had found out that he was CHEATING on me and had sex with at least one woman that was apparent (I'm sure there were others) given the 'evidence' I had discovered on my own.

 

Had I followed the ridiculous notion that a lot of people have about how snooping is 'wrong', how everyone has a 'right to their privacy' and how a person should 'never snoop no matter what', I NEVER would've found out what that bastard had been doing behind my back. He destroyed my trust and my love for him, he destroyed our marriage, he destroyed our children's sense of security and our family unit - he destroyed our LIVES! When I think about how much longer I might've still been married to him and how much longer I would've continued to live his horrific LIES and with the deceit and the verbal and emotional abuse...it literally makes me shudder and I feel SICK to my stomach.

 

So, when I read or hear people saying how a person should NEVER snoop on their significant other 'no matter what' and that if they mistrust their SO that much that they should just 'leave them', it really strikes a nerve with me and makes shake my head. A person who has invested their time, their heart and their LIFE in a deceitful person can't just up and leave them without definitive PROOF!! A person can't divorce them and uproot their children and change their lives based on intuition or on a hunch!! And they certainly can't rely on their deceitful SO to tell them the TRUTH about what they're doing behind their back - because 9 times out of 10, the deceitful person ***LIES*** to their spouse or SO about what they're doing!!!

 

So...for the people who think someone else shouldn't 'snoop' on their SO or spouse 'no matter what', they have a right to their opinion and a right to live their lives based on that ridiculous notion. But, for the rest of us...we know better.

 

 

.

 

 

Having been snooped upon for the best part of 3 years FOR NO REASON (yes, it happens ) has left a huge mark on my self-esteem. I felt like I had to report back absolutely everything I was doing, I felt like I couldn't be myself anymore, I couldn't go out anywhere without him knowing, I'd be bombarded with messages constantly asking me about my whereabouts, he'd read my texts without telling me and would be at the café I'd arranged to meet friends with just to double-check I'd be there, he'd read professional messages that could potentially have jeopardized my career (I'm a medic), etc, so please, don't be so quick to judge.

 

 

I would NEVER snoop on anyone, if I feel uncomfortable I leave without proof and I will be very wary if my BF was to snoop on me, that to me is a deal-breaker (lucky for me, he is the trusting type despite being cheated on himself, and I do him). You may know better FOR YOURSELF, but please don't tell me how I feel is based on a ridiculous notion.

[Haydn]

Having been snooped upon for the best part of 3 years FOR NO REASON (yes, it happens ) has left a huge mark on my self-esteem. I felt like I had to report back absolutely everything I was doing, I felt like I couldn't be myself anymore, I couldn't go out anywhere without him knowing, I'd be bombarded with messages constantly asking me about my whereabouts, he'd read my texts without telling me and would be at the café I'd arranged to meet friends with just to double-check I'd be there, he'd read professional messages that could potentially have jeopardized my career (I'm a medic), etc, so please, don't be so quick to judge.

 

 

I would NEVER snoop on anyone, if I feel uncomfortable I leave without proof and I will be very wary if my BF was to snoop on me, that to me is a deal-breaker (lucky for me, he is the trusting type despite being cheated on himself, and I do him). You may know better FOR YOURSELF, but please don't tell me how I feel is based on a ridiculous notion.

 

Exactly the same with me.

 

Whose that text from?

 

Who called you?

 

Who are you with?

 

I don`t believe you.

 

Endless, every five minutes a question.

 

Then let me see your email, you caller history....

 

I started to compromise my life to please hers.

 

Checking to see if i was where i said would be.

 

Turning up at places...

 

Threatening my friends.

 

Attempting to pick my child from school!

 

Snooping-stalking-paranoia.

 

If i tried to Allay her fears it became worse and i felt i was constantly explaining myself.

 

Snoopers are fundamentally unable to trust anyone despite the fact that they had a really good thing going if only they could see it.

 

Not on.

[Pompom]

So here's the question...

My SO is in the shower. Her phone is on the nightstand. It dings to announce a new text has arrived. On the lock screen it say's "new message from so-and-so" and it shows the first few lines of the text message. Do I look over at the screen and see who just texted her? If it's a male friend, do I read those first few lines of the text? It's not like hiring a private investigator. I don't even have to touch her phone, all I have to do is look at the screen after it dings. Is that snooping? What about when we are in bed and she's texting? Can I glance at who the recipient is? If it's a male friend can I look a little longer and try to see what they're texting to each other? Is that snooping?

 

There's a difference between catching a glimpse by chance, and grabbing the phone and going through it looking for stuff.

[beatcuff]

Look, parents snoop on their kids but I don't see anyone here judging them as being wrong.

 

OMG there is a HUGE difference between a 12 year old and a 20 something. a child has not learned the boundaries and/or appreciate the consequences of certain acts. my job is to guide them. the news has been filled with teens being charged as pedophiles because they viewed a nude teen. OR in some areas i am responsible for my child until they reach the age of majority... seriously do i need to go on.

 

but they know in advance. which leads to you continually failing to address a simple word: DISCLOSURE. tell them up front that you have major insecurities and trust issues, then you are no longer snooping/lying.

 

and please stop with the 'we all do it'. you are projecting your issues onto others to 'feel better'. i have never snooped. in fact if my wife/SO/friend tells me 'oh its in my purse', i grab the purse and give it to them, i never open mail addressed to another, never look at the phone...

 

why? its not because i am some trusting superstar, i am more concerned with what if i DON'T find something: now i am 'cheating' on their trust.

 

and yes, if that means i have to wait a year to confirm my gut to prevent the above, then so be it.

 

i understand snooping can 'accelerate' the learning curve. i guess i'd rather assume the best in a person, in time true colors will emerge, we all make mistakes, there will disappointments, some are recoverable, some are not and then i will move forward (with or without them). but 'running' scared is not a life for me.

 

PS -- and i have been burned more than once and once badly, but i refuse to paint an entire gender based on that small sample.

[autumnnight]

^^Perfect example of why there is no "one size fits all," or right/wrong answer. When just cause exists and intuition kicks in, there's generally a justifiable reason.

 

Exactly, which is why it is knee-jerk, irrational, and ridiculous to do the "all snoopers are X" or "all those against snooping are y" crap

[Pompom]

As someone who has suffered from borderline personality disorder until half a decade ago, I can tell you intuition tends to be a load of crap, because everyone thinks their intuition is good, and that includes people who aren't thinking straight but think they are. Take a paranoid person. Yay, intuition!

[hotpotato]

^^Perfect example of why there is no "one size fits all," or right/wrong answer. When just cause exists and intuition kicks in, there's generally a justifiable reason.

 

Ia. Also, cheaters will usually let something slip at some point, getting sloppy hiding their shyt. Imo youll find out a lot of stuff by accident, like if he forgets to clear his browser history.

[star gaze]

I believe that snooping is okay if the situation demands it. For example, if your SO behaves suspiciously and you think that h/she may not reply truthfully if directly confronted. But, snooping just to snoop or to find things that can be easily brought up in the conversation or to nit-pick is just plainly wrong.

 

I have seen both cases, and it will depend on the situation. So, whether snooping is right or wrong, IMO, should be judged on case-by-case basis.

 

People have different level of comfort zone about their privacy in relationship. So, some will feel offended on being snooped and some may not. It’s their pejorative and as their SO, one has to respect that.

 

One of my previous lab mate’s ex-bf used snoop on her. He used to check her drawers and closets, ask (subtly) about her to her friends, go into her facebook and linkedin and other social media profiles etc. And he used to find something that he didn’t like and bring that up while fighting. Anything she said, he would try to verify. That’s very wrong and sickening.

 

When my ex-fiancee cheated, I too snooped or let my sister snoop to verify her claims. Was it morally or ethically wrong? It probably was. But, it did help me make informed decision. Though the sayings like “ if you have fallen as low as to snoop, that means the relationship is already doomed” or “Snooping shows YOUR OWN untrustworthiness” sounds good in writing; but many times in relationship when you are being wronged or deceived and you can’t just blindly believe your SO, you may have to snoop to find the level of deception to help you decide whether the relationship is salvageable or not.

 

It reminds me of local sitcom. Girl finds that bf is cheating via snooping. She confronts him with evidences because previously he balatanly refused and even implied that it probably was her who was cheating and that she was projecting her own guilt on him. But when confronted with evidence, his tune suddenly changed and he indignantly cried:

 

“How dare you snoop!! It’s the height of disrespectful behavior!! It’s disgusting! You are untrustworthy !! That’s why I cheated on you.”

 

And everyone around them nod.

[pureinheart]

Snoopers are fundamentally unable to trust anyone despite the fact that they had a really good thing going if only they could see it.

 

Not on.

 

Haydn, this is embarrassing to admit, but I became this person (not to the degree in which you described, but close) and drove many away due to paranoia. I blamed the OP. It was their fault that they left. Fact- it was my insecurities. I didn't feel good enough probably.

 

I anticipated my mates departure or EMA much before it's time because I am fairly perceptive when it comes to them checking out other women and seeing their 'interest' in them... I absolutely hate that and think it's the rudest thing. Also I chose men who were as insecure as I was that used sex and relationships to build their own confidence.

 

Cold hard facts- everyone lies, everyone 'cheats' (I hate that word in the context of EMA's) in some fashion, everyone is manipulative, abusive, etc.. It's just a matter of degree and frequency.

 

People that cannot handle these facts even to the lessor degrees (of 'cheating', lying, etc.) should consider staying away from people all together.

Edited June 12, 2015 by pureinheart

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Having been snooped upon for the best part of 3 years FOR NO REASON (yes, it happens ) has left a huge mark on my self-esteem. I felt like I had to report back absolutely everything I was doing, I felt like I couldn't be myself anymore, I couldn't go out anywhere without him knowing, I'd be bombarded with messages constantly asking me about my whereabouts, he'd read my texts without telling me and would be at the café I'd arranged to meet friends with just to double-check I'd be there, he'd read professional messages that could potentially have jeopardized my career (I'm a medic), etc, so please, don't be so quick to judge.

 

 

I would NEVER snoop on anyone, if I feel uncomfortable I leave without proof and I will be very wary if my BF was to snoop on me, that to me is a deal-breaker (lucky for me, he is the trusting type despite being cheated on himself, and I do him). You may know better FOR YOURSELF, but please don't tell me how I feel is based on a ridiculous notion.

 

It's unfortunate that you had to go through that negative experience with a controlling and manipulative husband. But, that's NOT where I was going with me saying that snooping is a ridiculous notion. Of course it isn't when you placed it in the context that you've just described! I feel that it's a ridiculous notion when someone has invested their love, their time, their health, their LIFE and has children with a deceitful person who is emotionally and verbally abusing them as well as showing signs of deception, dishonesty and infidelity. This is MY opinion only, and it is how I feel. And your opinion is your own (which I happen to agree with in the context you've described) and it is how YOU feel.

 

How long did the manipulation and controlling go on before you finally left him and filed for a divorce? Don't let what he did to you negatively color any future relationships you'll have. After reading yours (and another member's) experience, it has shown me that there are definitely two sides to 'snooping' as well as Pros and Cons to doing it.

 

 

 

.

[LuckyLady13]

My parents are drug dealers, have snuck around behind each others backs snorting more cocaine than each told the other they were (and accused me, even at 10 years old, of taking the money and drugs they were stealing from each other), and dear old mom tried to screw anything that moved behind my dads back. I would think that if I were the snooping type, my SO would be a little understanding that I had a traumatic childhood and it's not easy to trust people. I'd hope he cares enough about me that he thinks it's okay for me to act like a non-perfect human being once in a while.

 

I also feel that if someone is constantly snooping, finds evidence that clearly shows their SO is trustworthy, not ever lying and they continue because snooping is some exciting hobby of theirs or they are so paranoid from an untreated mental disorder, it's wrong on a multitude of levels.

 

I think there are times it's okay. I think there are times it's a certifiable mental disorder that needs to be treated.

 

I definitely don't think this is a black or white, right or wrong issue. I think snooping can cross the line and become wrong when it goes too far. I even, personally, think that if a persons phone dings from a new message or call and it's displayed right on the front, if someone looks at it without permission from the phone owner, it's snooping!! The person who owns the phone did not design it so it's out of their hands it displays things when maybe they'd prefer it didn't.

 

When my SO's phone dings, rings or makes any kind of noise or vibration, I never look at it. It's not my business. But, if he starts acting suspicious and I think I'm in any kind of danger (physical, financial, emotional, etc), the whole game changes instantly!

 

Personally? If I snooped and found out I was suspicious for nothing, I'd so much rather be apologizing for that than blindly trust someone and get completely screwed.

[central]

If you have some indication that something is wrong (any of the classic signs of infidelity, for example), and you are in a committed and exclusive relationship or marriage, then snooping is justified. If you find nothing, then stop and let it go. If you find evidence, then keep looking to learn the extent of the problem before confronting or leaving.

 

In general, I give trust and don't snoop. However, if there is cause, I'll do what I need to do to protect myself or perhaps intervene in a situation before worse betrayals occur.

 

Snooping out of curiosity without grounds for suspicion of behavior that could harm the relationship isn't ethical. Self-defense against transgressions is ethical.

[PrettyEmily77]

It's unfortunate that you had to go through that negative experience with a controlling and manipulative husband. But, that's NOT where I was going with me saying that snooping is a ridiculous notion. Of course it isn't when you placed it in the context that you've just described! I feel that it's a ridiculous notion when someone has invested their love, their time, their health, their LIFE and has children with a deceitful person who is emotionally and verbally abusing them as well as showing signs of deception, dishonesty and infidelity. This is MY opinion only, and it is how I feel. And your opinion is your own (which I happen to agree with in the context you've described) and it is how YOU feel.

 

How long did the manipulation and controlling go on before you finally left him and filed for a divorce? Don't let what he did to you negatively color any future relationships you'll have. After reading yours (and another member's) experience, it has shown me that there are definitely two sides to 'snooping' as well as Pros and Cons to doing it.

 

 

 

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Thanks BOZG. I've not really let it affect my RLs, and my current guy is the most trusting, genuine man I've met. He 's making it very easy for me to relax and feel I can be my confident, independent self without having to look over my shoulder all the time.

 

Same goes to you . It can't have been easy going through what you've gone through but at least you're out of it now, and that's all that matters .

 

To me, when you feel you have to look at your SO's stuff behind their back, you've already got grounds to leave. I really don't think I could snoop, and it is now a definite deal-breaker for me.

Edited June 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tayla]

Respect and trust are two of the most important components to any relationship, and by snooping you are abandoning both of those values.

 

I was a child whos parents thought nothing of snooping and humiliating me in front of my peers and siblings. Until you walk a mile in MY shoes, do not parade around and say how Great snooping is. It isn't. ANd that is from a Kids point of view about parents snooping. Have your diary read and mocked at the dinner table, have your love letters read to relatives that were private and sincere.

Some things truly are personal. SO spare me how in your accolades of snooping, it deserves praise.

 

Thru all this I have tried to remain neutral and understanding of the betrayed ones. And the levels to which you go to get answers. The resources should be going to packing your things and moving on.... because I have yet to hear how it made you a healthier person by holding on to a method that does more harm then good. Sometimes the harm is to yourself. Becoming distrusting and bitter.....Can't say that is healthy....

Think twice because you can't live your life on past methods, surprise yourself and be healthy not harmful.