Snooping - Right or wrong?

[bluegreen]

I've seen a lot of people mention snooping being wrong. Even, at times, when someone suspects they're being cheated on.

 

It occurred to me this morning (after hearing my neighbor get chewed out at 7am for cheating on her boyfriend - he read her e-mails) that I couldn't care less if someone was snooping through my things.

 

I never turned this around on myself before when I thought about it. I've never had anything to hide so it doesn't bother me even slightly to think of someone secretly checking my e-mails or whatever. If it went on and on, the person would be in need of some kind of psychological help though because being paranoid in the face of continued evidence that I'm not up to anything wouldn't make any logical sense.

 

Every single ex-boyfriend of mine and even the guy I'm with now says they were cheated on in the past. I knew the guy I'm with now for nearly 20 years and remember him being cheated on with the help of a mutual friend of ours (who we're no longer friends with). I don't know if it's actually true that every one of these guys were cheated on but if they are paranoid because of their past baggage, I couldn't blame them for checking to make sure I'm not cheating on them.

 

Being that I have nothing to hide, it doesn't bother me and is easy to shrug off. Not only that, I think that if someone suspects they are being cheated on, they'd better start snooping for their health and safety because some STD's are permanent. Even if it's not going to make someone severely ill, I wonder how many people could've avoided herpes if they just knew they were being cheated on so they could've protected themselves.

 

I actually know someone who found out she was being cheated on by her husband when she popped up with a case of herpes. Not the way to find out!

 

If someone started reading all of my text messages and e-mails right now, they'd get bored before long. There's just nothing there. And if the same person checked 6 months from now and 2 years from now, it would still be a very boring undertaking. There's nothing to find.

 

Am I the only one that doesn't think it's a big deal?

 

And if you're against snooping, why? I've noticed people who are seem very adamant about it. Why?

 

Will just say that I could have wrote this thread Myself

Love Respect Trust are to be Earned Privilege not served on plate...

[frogs88]

Isn't it ironic how the biggest snoopers often try to divert attention of their own questionable choices? All the effort and time their SO have to invest in explaining every little detail of their private lives they barely have time to question what big brother is doing behind their back. I wonder if the lack of trust in themselves is what causes the lack of trust in their partners.

[Haydn]

Snoopers become stalkers. There`s a reason most of them are alone.

[hotpotato]

Isn't it ironic how the biggest snoopers often try to divert attention of their own questionable choices? All the effort and time their SO have to invest in explaining every little detail of their private lives they barely have time to question what big brother is doing behind their back. I wonder if the lack of trust in themselves is what causes the lack of trust in their partners.

 

 

Ok, I don't think frogs88 has ever been with a cheater. They incriminate themselves and give plenty of reasons to doubt their words, like if they make good money and for some reason are always broke, don't want to have sex anymore, etc.

 

Maybe sometimes it is better to leave, but I am a proud snooper. I found what was essentially kiddie porn on my ex's computer. *nods*

[autumnnight]

Snoopers become stalkers. There`s a reason most of them are alone.

 

I think it depends on the motivation for and duration of snooping.

 

For example, once I had proof of this whole double life and other girlfriend thing, there was no need to snoop further. I had my one expletive-laced phone call and that was that.

 

When a couple touched by infidelity of any kind reconcile, I think snooping - for a time - can be a means of restoring trust. Every time the BS finds nothing, they feel a little safer.

 

BUT...when we go beyond snooping for our own lives and begin becoming snooping crusaders, snooping on behalf of people we have never met, obsessed with making sure every gambler, cheater, blah blah blah "gets theirs" by whatever means necessary...no matter how wrong cheating/gambling/porn addiction may be....we need to step back and look in the mirror. Because a screw has gone really really loose.

[beatcuff]

snooping=lying=trust issues

 

I am pro-snooping and always will be.

 

which begs the question at what point do you state that to your SO. and if your SO accepts that, then its no longer lying (because they know what you are doing).

 

I vehemently disagree with people who believe that you should take what your spouse tells you at face value as the truth

 

that is NOT the question originally posted.

[writergal]

I've seen a lot of people mention snooping being wrong. Even, at times, when someone suspects they're being cheated on.

 

It occurred to me this morning (after hearing my neighbor get chewed out at 7am for cheating on her boyfriend - he read her e-mails) that I couldn't care less if someone was snooping through my things.

 

I never turned this around on myself before when I thought about it. I've never had anything to hide so it doesn't bother me even slightly to think of someone secretly checking my e-mails or whatever. If it went on and on, the person would be in need of some kind of psychological help though because being paranoid in the face of continued evidence that I'm not up to anything wouldn't make any logical sense.

 

Every single ex-boyfriend of mine and even the guy I'm with now says they were cheated on in the past. I knew the guy I'm with now for nearly 20 years and remember him being cheated on with the help of a mutual friend of ours (who we're no longer friends with). I don't know if it's actually true that every one of these guys were cheated on but if they are paranoid because of their past baggage, I couldn't blame them for checking to make sure I'm not cheating on them.

 

Being that I have nothing to hide, it doesn't bother me and is easy to shrug off. Not only that, I think that if someone suspects they are being cheated on, they'd better start snooping for their health and safety because some STD's are permanent. Even if it's not going to make someone severely ill, I wonder how many people could've avoided herpes if they just knew they were being cheated on so they could've protected themselves.

 

I actually know someone who found out she was being cheated on by her husband when she popped up with a case of herpes. Not the way to find out!

 

If someone started reading all of my text messages and e-mails right now, they'd get bored before long. There's just nothing there. And if the same person checked 6 months from now and 2 years from now, it would still be a very boring undertaking. There's nothing to find.

 

Am I the only one that doesn't think it's a big deal?

 

And if you're against snooping, why? I've noticed people who are seem very adamant about it. Why?

 

snooping=lying=trust issues

 

 

 

which begs the question at what point do you state that to your SO. and if your SO accepts that, then its no longer lying (because they know what you are doing).

 

 

 

that is NOT the question originally posted.

 

Yes it was. I have included the OP's first post. She's asking if people agree or disagree with snooping on your significant other. I disagree with people like you who are against snooping because I think it's justified in a relationship, especially when you sense that your partner isn't being honest with you. Snooping helps confirm what your gut feeling already is.

[stillafool]

I think snooping without strong evidence that 'syht is getting ready to hit the fan' is wrong. If you use the excuse that you know so many people who have been betrayed that you feel it is your right to snoop you don't need to be in a relationship. Why be in a relationship when you can't trust anyone but yourself. Just be alone.

[writergal]

I think snooping without strong evidence that 'syht is getting ready to hit the fan' is wrong. If you use the excuse that you know so many people who have been betrayed that you feel it is your right to snoop you don't need to be in a relationship. Why be in a relationship when you can't trust anyone but yourself. Just be alone.

 

I reserve the right to snoop if I sense that a boyfriend is lying to me, and not have to justify or apologize for it, even if I turn out to be wrong.

 

It really is unrealistic to preach "snooping is wrong." People snoop all the time. Even the ones who claim they don't snoop, do it.

[deadelvis]

I have been thinking about this thread a lot. Not so much in regards to snooping, but just regarding the way we act when our SO isn't around. Last night I was hanging out with a friend (ex girlfriend actually) who has a boyfriend, and she was acting extremely inappropriate. If he was snooping, spying etc. on her behavior he would have been very hurt. I never gave much thought to it before, but my new policy is to act like my SO is beside me at every moment, even if she is 1000 miles away. I think in a way thats what defines a lady/gentleman. Now I just imagine my girlfriend is always sitting beside me, and behave accordingly. I already feel myself becoming a better, more respectful person.

Edited June 11, 2015 by deadelvis

[stillafool]

I reserve the right to snoop if I sense that a boyfriend is lying to me, and not have to justify or apologize for it, even if I turn out to be wrong.

 

It really is unrealistic to preach "snooping is wrong." People snoop all the time. Even the ones who claim they don't snoop, do it.

 

I don't snoop period. I certainly don't want anyone invading my privacy as well. I must say in certain circumstances (severe) it may be warranted to protect your health. If you reserve the right to snoop that is up to you but please let your bf know that you are capable of this. I also feel that if a person has to spend their time snooping to find out if their lover is lying to them they don't need to be with that person. Being constantly suspicious must be a miserable way to live.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It would really piss me off. I have never cheated on anyone and am very transparent in my relationship. Always tell my boyfriend if I'm going to meet a friend, whether male or female, and full disclosure if an ex messages me or whatever as I think those things are important.

 

But I deserve privacy, we are not 100% of one another's lives. I have significant friendships which predate my relationship and I'm entitled to privacy in my conversations with those friends, we often over the years talk about deep stuff or personal stuff to do with their or my lives, why should they have to feel that by confiding in me they're also confiding in my partner, who they may not even know that well?

 

No thanks. Zero desire to ever go through my boyfriend's messages or emails. If someone wants to be dishonest or cheat they'll find a way, set up a fake email, using a fake facebook to message through, delete their texts as soon as they've read them. I WANT him to have his own personal life and I would take a very dim view of anyone trying to invade my privacy, major sign of controlling behaviour.

[autumnnight]

not have to justify or apologize for it, even if I turn out to be wrong.

 

So if you snoop and spy and invade his privacy and find nothing...you will not apologize? Interesting.

[writergal]

So if you snoop and spy and invade his privacy and find nothing...you will not apologize? Interesting.

 

If he gives me reason to snoop then I will. If I'm wrong I'd admit that I was wrong, but no I won't apologize. At least I'm honest.

[Tayla]

If he gives me reason to snoop then I will. If I'm wrong I'd admit that I was wrong, but no I won't apologize. At least I'm honest.

 

I get that you reserve the right to apologize when you feel your actions warrant it. This is one time where you think its absolutely okay, even if you falsely accuse the person, to not apologize. Very well then.

 

Its hard to distinguish ones owns values and the care we give to others if all we are doing is defending our actions.

 

I hope you'll reconsider the apology portion on events where false accusations do injure another. I get though that pride is a powerful thing.

[PrettyEmily77]

I steer clear of anything that categorizes people as "all" or "nothing."

 

There are times when snooping is warranted. There are times when it is not. There are times when people chafe at snooping because hey have something to hide. There are times they chafe at it because it is ridiculous and none of X's business.

 

To say "all people who hate snooping are dishonest" or "all people who snoop are paranoid" is just not even logical or rational. It's a knee-jerk thing.

 

 

It's just very difficult to ever justify anything you do behind your SO's back, though, which is what snooping is. I get that you may have reasons to doubt your SO but I don't thing snooping is the answer. If you have to look through your SO's private stuff without telling them, you are displaying major trust issues. Getting to the point where you have to snoop for confirmation is already too late IMO, even if I can kind of understand where people are coming from.

 

 

We are all allowed our privacy, and as acrosstheuniverse pointed out, it's not just your stuff your SO has access to, but also other stuff friends or family members have shared with you in confidence and may not want the whole world to know.

[acrosstheuniverse]

We are all allowed our privacy, and as acrosstheuniverse pointed out, it's not just your stuff your SO has access to, but also other stuff friends or family members have shared with you in confidence and may not want the whole world to know.

 

I really am always shocked when people forget that aspect of snooping. The idea that as a couple you merge to the point where anything a friend or family members wants to confide in you with automatically is expected to be accessed by the other person too is just really creepy and co-dependent to me. Even stuff like opening your partner's mail, I remember a thread ages ago where someone sent a letter to a friend explaining that they had a child they didn't know about or something, and the wife opened it instead. People were flaming the letter sender for choosing something like a letter that could be seen by either party, whereas I was saying that it's a totally legitimate way of communicating by someone and you're totally not to know that it'd be opened by anyone else (it's even illegal in my country to open another person's mail). Others thought I was crazy to expect a longtime married couple not to open each other's mail but I just think there's a basic level of respect extended to your partner's privacy, which includes their phone messages and bill, letters, emails and so forth.

 

My boyfriend knows my laptop and phone password but part of that is trusting him never to need to use them (apart from when he goes on my laptop and maintains it for me which I barely even notice haha).

 

Sorry, but if I want to talk to my best mate about something via whatsapp, I would find it really messed up if I realised everything was also being read by whatever partner they were with at the time. I just don't understand the need to be so nosy with a partner, it smacks of insecurity but it's futile as like I said, if someone wants to cheat, they would easily find a way.

[writergal]

I get that you reserve the right to apologize when you feel your actions warrant it. This is one time where you think its absolutely okay, even if you falsely accuse the person, to not apologize. Very well then.

 

Its hard to distinguish ones owns values and the care we give to others if all we are doing is defending our actions.

 

I hope you'll reconsider the apology portion on events where false accusations do injure another. I get though that pride is a powerful thing.

 

If I suspect a boyfriend is cheating, and I don't believe him when I ask him (cheaters never tell you the truth btw), then yes, I reserve the right to snoop.

 

I see a lot of "I never snoop" responses here, but I think that is really disingenuous because everyone snoops, whether they admit it or not.

 

And because I"m so out-spoken about being pro-snoop, I also understand why my posts draw such ire from the anti-snooper crowd.

 

I am repeating myself here, but snooping certainly helped me speed up the breakup trajectory of my last relationship, because he was actually cheating on me. It forced him to confess that yes, he was cheating on me. In fact, I caught him in a lie the first text I read. It was a salacious exchange between him and his coworker (initiated by her). After I read the text, I waited a while before I casually asked him who texted him, what did it say (not interrogating him, just asking him casually). Well, he lied and said it was someone else, not his coworker, and made no mention of the fact that "oh my coworker and I like to exchange steamy texts with each other."

 

Otherwise, what do you non-snoopers suggest that people do? Sit and wait patiently while their significant other cheats on them and do nothing about it?

 

That is why I believe snooping can be justified in those situations. I have very strong values, with 'being truthful' at the top of the list. If I can be 100% transparent and truthful with my partner, I expect the same. If I have nothing to hide, I expect the same from him.

 

No, I'm not going to apologize for snooping where it is justified. We will just have to amicably agree to disagree. It has nothing to do with pride, at least for me. It is a matter of principle. Don't lie to me, and I won't snoop. Lie to me, and I will snoop.

[autumnnight]

[No, I'm not going to apologize for snooping where it is justified. We will just have to amicably agree to disagree. It has nothing to do with pride, at least for me. It is a matter of principle. Don't lie to me, and I won't snoop. Lie to me, and I will snoop.

ShareQUOTE]

 

I think you are missing the point.

 

What was asked was THIS:

 

If you accuse your SO of something, snoop through their life, and it turns out you were wrong and they were innocent and truthful....

 

What exactly is your justification for not apologizing for THAT?

[writergal]

If he gives me reason to snoop then I will. If I'm wrong I'd admit that I was wrong, but no I won't apologize. At least I'm honest.

 

[No, I'm not going to apologize for snooping where it is justified. We will just have to amicably agree to disagree. It has nothing to do with pride, at least for me. It is a matter of principle. Don't lie to me, and I won't snoop. Lie to me, and I will snoop.

ShareQUOTE]

 

I think you are missing the point.

 

What was asked was THIS:

 

If you accuse your SO of something, snoop through their life, and it turns out you were wrong and they were innocent and truthful....

 

What exactly is your justification for not apologizing for THAT?

 

As you can see, I already answered the question. It's pretty cut and dry. Nothing more needs to be said from my end.

[autumnnight]

 

As you can see, I already answered the question. It's pretty cut and dry. Nothing more needs to be said from my end.

 

Sorry, I was a bit blond.

 

You will say you were wrong in your facts but not apologize for the accusation or snooping. Understood.

[Pompom]

Suspecting someone of wrongdoing, doesn't justify wrongdoing. If anything, proven wrongdoing justifies wrongdoing. I don't think you get to snoop in anything clearly private and withheld, such as emails, private messages, SMS, etc. Even in a relationship, privacy should be respected.

[frogs88]

Ok, I don't think frogs88 has ever been with a cheater.

 

No but I have been at the receiving end of undeserved mistrust in a relationship.

 

It gets very tiring real quick.

[writergal]

Look, parents snoop on their kids but I don't see anyone here judging them as being wrong. If a parent installs an app on their child's phone, it's for that child's protection and safety. And it's technically still snooping. Is that wrong by the anti-snooper standards?

 

I found this article online that outlines the pros and cons of snooping in a romantic relationship.

 

Pro: You May Save Yourself Time

If you have a hunch that there is some infidelity in your relationship, then snooping may be your only option to figure it out. You should always ask first, because communication is a key to any strong relationship. However, I am not stupid, therefore I know that if you ask a cheating man/woman if they are cheating then the odds are they are going to lie to you. If you snoop and do find what you were dreading to unfold, then you will have the upper-hand and a valid reason to end the relationship.

 

If you are thinking about a serious relationship with somebody and snooping led you to discover that they are not the person they say they are, then you will save yourself time. You will also save money, your future, and the extra heartbreak of finding out in an even more unfortunate way (which trust me, there are many worse ways to find out someone is cheating.) Instead of buying your cheating girlfriend a diamond for a ring finger, you can save money and just show her your middle finger.

 

Con: It’s Disrespectful

Remember the Golden Rule that was taught in kindergarten? You know, “treat others the way you want to be treated?” That is something you should think about before you snoop. Of course this is a massive invasion of privacy, and I can almost guarantee that most people would say they would not like someone snooping in their stuff.

 

Whether you has something to hide or not, there is an unsettling feeling about having people go into your personal belongings. Respect and trust are two of the most important components to any relationship, and by snooping you are abandoning both of those values.

 

Pro: You Can Find Out Great Things About Your Partner

You may stumble upon a e-mail from a charity thanking your significant other for their donation, or maybe you will see the pictures of necklaces that he sent to his sister that are the final options for your birthday gift. Though people advertise their good-doing, there are often hidden gems that are only found within a person’s personal archives. Granted, you’ll feel like a terrible fool when your snooping only reminds you how lucky you are to have such an amazing boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

Con: You Will/Should End Up Feeling Guilty

I’m not telling you how to live your life, but what I will tell you is that if you think you are not in the wrong for snooping, then you should probably reevaluate your life choices.

 

You should never feel good about peeking at your partner’s personal stuff, so you must be prepared for some guilt to come along after you have done the dirty deed of snooping. It doesn’t have to last forever, but before you snoop ask yourself: “Will I regret doing this afterwards?” If the answer is yes, then maybe hold off for a while.

 

Pro: You Probably Are Snooping For A Reason…

You aren’t just looking through private stuff out of the blue. There may be something that makes you question your partner and their honesty, and for that you have the right to be concerned. Again, asking your partner is the healthiest way to approach things and should always be the first thing you do when trying to get to the bottom of something. If communication gets your nowhere and you still have that gut feeling, then taking the drastic measure of snooping is a little more justified.

Con: Lying Is Never Beneficial To A Relationship

You are not going to tell your partner you snooped, unless you are like me and drown with guilt the second after you do something bad. Some may say it is not lying if you are not asked a question point blank, but it still is; this is called lying by omission. Sure, you do not tell your partner every single thing that has ever crossed your mind; but this is something that involves them, and that they really have a right to know. Lying-whether it be point blank or lying by omission- can come back to bite you in the long run. Is snooping worth bringing secrets into your relationship?

 

 

So… what are you going to do? Turn back over to your side of the bed and ignore that text on your SO’s phone? Or are you going to snoop a bit?

 

Whatever the answer may be, remember the consequences, remember that you do have values that you would like to withhold, and remember to always clear your tracks.

[TunaCat]

Totally wrong!

 

If you trust one another, there should be no need to snoop on each other. And if you don't trust each other, then why are you even together?

 

I'd be pissed if I was dating someone and they read my texts or emails. Not because I have something to hide, but because it's rude & a major privacy violation. Not to mention, disrespectful.

 

Looking through my phone/email without asking me first is not okay with me. Period.