Snooping - Right or wrong?

[Rejected Rosebud]

What if it's not about catching them cheating, but just wondering what type of a person they are when you aren't around? People are a lot different around their SO than they are with friends... My last GF took 3 years to show her true colors. What if you don't want to waste 3 years only to find out they are not exactly the sweet, kind person they seem to be?

 

If you feel you need to invade someone's privacy in order to feel ok about being in a relationship with them then maybe you need some therapy or something before you try to be in another relationship, that is not healthy or normal

 

I love my privacy. I would feel totally trespassed on if my bf went through all my private writings. I have nothing to hide this is just how I am. Usually snooping is more about the person doing the snooping EXCEPT if they just know something is fishy, they're being gaslighted and the only way to get to the truth is to go find out for themself.

[PrettyEmily77]

My ex-BF had got badly hurt by a serial cheating ex-GF who lied to him compulsively for a couple of years. As a result, he'd regularly snoop on me (not always admitting it) for no other reason than he was completely paranoid and untrusting. I never once gave him any reason to doubt me, and was already pretty open and honest about where I was going, who I was seeing, etc. I tried to be as understanding and patient as possible, let it go a few times (too many times, in hindsight), broke up over it then we got back together on the promise it would stop. Predictably, it didn't.

 

 

 

 

If you have good grounds to mistrust your SO, either confront and take their word for it or leave if you're not happy with the answer (admission or gut feeling something isn't right).

 

 

Snooping is a symptom, not a solution IMO. I'd never do it and I don't think I'd be as understanding of it now.

[autumnnight]

People are a lot different around their SO than they are with friends.

 

Which people? If someone is being a different person with everyone or every group they know, then something is wrong.

 

I act the same with family, friends, or an SO for the most part (except I don't kiss my friends lol).

 

Also, pretty emily sparked a thought. I can understand that if my SO was previously cheated on, they might be gunshy. But do not punish ME for something a previous partner did. My previous partner starved me of intimacy. Does that mean if my current partner falls asleep during a movie on the couch before we have sex I can freak out that he is withholding? No

[autumnnight]

I think in a normal relationship snooping is wrong and I never did it. However when I suspected my wife of cheating I snooped and immediately found evidence. When I confronted her without telling her I knew she denied it spectacularly. Was the snooping wrong in that case?

 

My opinion is that at that point the relationship/marriage was essentially over and I was just protecting myself emotionally and from potential disease. I also believe that going forward once a spouse is a proven cheater they lose all rights to privacy from that point on. There is no redemption or free pass because they have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. I never thought about it before but my IC assures me that in a good relationship all passwords/accounts should be open and freely shared regardless if cheating has occurred.

 

This to me was not deception. You asked questions you already knew the answer to, and SHE lied.

 

I am talking about cases where people pretty much say any mean you have to use to catch a cheater, do it (legal or illegal) and if they ask you, deny deny deny and lie.

 

Seems like a double standard to me.

 

You lose your "moral high ground" and "mission from God" when you break laws, deceive, and become obsessed.

[pureinheart]

 

Not only that, I think that if someone suspects they are being cheated on, they'd better start snooping for their health and safety because some STD's are permanent. Even if it's not going to make someone severely ill, I wonder how many people could've avoided herpes if they just knew they were being cheated on so they could've protected themselves.

 

I actually know someone who found out she was being cheated on by her husband when she popped up with a case of herpes. Not the way to find out!

 

 

And if you're against snooping, why? I've noticed people who are seem very adamant about it. Why?

 

I think snooping is wrong, very wrong and the person doing the snooping should seek counseling, as this is a much deeper issue IMO.

 

In the case of STD's, well, that's a different and separate issue (also my opinion).

 

Fact- anyone is capable of having an EMA... it's that unfortunate side of human nature and no one is immune to it. I guarantee your mate has at least pondered an EMA at some point in the relationship.

 

This is happening with my cousin right now. His gf doesn't trust him and reads all of his private stuff. Recently he wrote me on FB, telling me he wanted to leave her. It sounded urgent and given his financial status he would definitely need help so I offered my house.

 

His gf read our exchange and I'm sure she wasn't happy, but family is family, period. I had an idea she would read what I was saying, but didn't care.

 

Snooping is a game, a power play.

Edited June 10, 2015 by pureinheart

[deadelvis]

People are a lot different around their SO than they are with friends...

 

Well when I say this I mean we (people in general) wear a lot of different hats depending on the environment we are placed in. Some examples would be;

 

at work

 

around conservative family members

 

around my drinking buddies

 

with my SO

 

If I acted the way I do with my drinking buddies (no filter, maximum crudeness, funny as hell, no punches pulled) when I was at work or with my conservative grandparents (or really even with my SO) the outcome would be bad. It's not like I'm living a double life, but most people do in fact modify their behavior for different situations. There are parts of my life I would never want my religious grandmother to know about, or my boss at work. The SO falls somewhere between "no filter" and "keep it classy". She's not some biker-chick who wants to hear dick jokes and filthy stories, she's a beautiful woman who likes to be treated with class and dignity. Does that mean I'm hiding anything from her? not really. but would she think differently of me if she listened to me and my friends conversations while we drink beer and work on our harleys? probably. I know it's not gender specific. I imagine women are also filtering a certain amount of their lives depending on the situation. I just wonder what women talk about while they are diong mani-pedi's and facials. If it's anything like what men talk about with each other, it might put the person you love in a whole different light.

[autumnnight]

Yeah, I say things to my close friends I'd never say at my parents' house. lol

[deadelvis]

A long time ago i had a friend who was suspicious of his partner. Nothing to indicate she was doing anything wrong but he had a gut feeling. He put a voice activated taperecorder under the seat of her car. He caught her giving a drug dealer a BJ for a bag of meth.

[writergal]

The Age of the Snoop.

 

Universal truth: PEOPLE LIE.

 

With technology, it's become easier to lie. But, it's also easier to catch someone red-handed if you can tap into their texts, email messages, smartphone or computer camera or microphone. Why do you think there are Webcam covers, and blackout privacy screens for laptops and desktop computers?

 

We live in the age of the Snoop. Sure there are service apps that uses encryption, but for everyone one of those there are snooping apps and software that you can install on your smartphone, tablet, or computer.

 

You can remotely snoop on anyone and perform surveillance now. Police do it. The Government does it. Parents do it. Spouses do it. It's how criminals, truant kids...and cheating spouses are caught.

 

I am pro-snooping and always will be. Yes, I was cheated on and found out pre-emptively by snooping after my woman's intuition kicked in that he was up to something. And, I asked him face to face if he was dating his co-worker and he lied that he wasn't. I even caught him dressed up to go on dates with her, when he had told me he was going to the gym.

 

So, I vehemently disagree with people who believe that you should take what your spouse tells you at face value as the truth, when as you can see from the countless threads on cheating here on LS; people lie when they cheat. So, if you are naive enough to believe that your cheating spouse will tell you the truth when you ask him/her if he/she is cheating, then the onus is on you.

 

I expect 100% transparency when I date someone. That means, we both have access to each other's cellphone, email and Facebook page. Yes, privacy is important and boundaries are necessary. I'm not advocating that you spend all day reading your s.o.'s emails.

 

If you have a hunch you are being cheated on, by all means, read emails and text messages. Once you do, the cheater can't deny their cheating anymore because you've seen the email or text evidence in messages exchanged with the cheating partner.

 

I view snooping as proactive when you have a hunch that your partner is cheating on you, or has major financial problems or whatever the case may be of what's being hidden from you that will negatively impact your life because you are with them.

 

People who poo-poo snooping, because they believe it breaches a person's trust or compromises the integrity of the relationship (which are legitimate concerns by the way), either haven't been cheated on, or aren't that reliant on smart phone or computers for their social networks or communication. Uncovering salacious text messages or email exchanges between your partner and their cheating partner arms you with evidence you need to confront your cheating partner. So, that is why I view snooping as a good thing.

[John Bigboote]

People who poo-poo snooping, because they believe it breaches a person's trust or compromises the integrity of the relationship (which are legitimate concerns by the way),

 

If those concerns are legitimate, then why refer to people who have them with pejoratives like "poo-poo?" And if snooping is something that legitimately breaches trust and compromises integrity, then how is that different from cheating in the first place?

[jen1447]

This is all essentially a philosophical discussion about the merits of pragmatism.

[PrettyEmily77]

Also, pretty emily sparked a thought. I can understand that if my SO was previously cheated on, they might be gunshy. But do not punish ME for something a previous partner did. My previous partner starved me of intimacy. Does that mean if my current partner falls asleep during a movie on the couch before we have sex I can freak out that he is withholding? No

 

Yes, it can be really draining. It's a lose/lose on all counts: my privacy was violated for no reason, I had nothing to hide and never have hurt him in that way knowing his past so his snooping would lead him nowhere, which convinced him even more I had something to hide... a never-ending circle of mistrust, paranoia and I'll admit, growing resentment on my part for feeling watched, spied upon and not trusted whatever I would do or say.

[writergal]

If those concerns are legitimate, then why refer to people who have them with pejoratives like "poo-poo?" And if snooping is something that legitimately breaches trust and compromises integrity, then how is that different from cheating in the first place?

 

Because people who don't approve of snooping (and this is just my opinion) aren't transparent. Those tend to be the type of people who cry "foul!" when they cheat on someone and then accuse the snooper of invading their privacy. Those are the type of people who preach "don't snoop it's wrong" and then, by their own cheating actions, give their partner a reason to snoop, who they then gaslight because they don't like the fact that their partner's snooping uncovered evidence of cheating.

 

I won't snoop on a partner until he gives me a reason to. I have no problem with a boyfriend reading my text messages (I rarely text because I hate it so much) or emails. Same with any social media that I have. I'd even direct him here to LS because I have nothing to hide. And by having nothing to hide, that tends to weed out the wrong types of men to date. At least that is my experience.

[deadelvis]

i have to say "writergal" in my opinion has so far hit the nail on the head. especially the last bit about letting her SO read her posts on LS. I'm going to start making that my goal; to always carry myself in a way, either texting, on social media or in a forum that I would be proud to show anyone, from my SO to my conservative grandma. That is really the essence of being transparent and honest. Not only with your SO, but with yourself and the world at large. That's going to be my resolution. Starting now... (well or after I post one more rant about how much I distrust my girlfriend... jk)

[autumnnight]

We live in the age of the Snoop. Sure there are service apps that uses encryption, but for everyone one of those there are snooping apps and software that you can install on your smartphone, tablet, or computer.

 

I said this before but I see it this way:

 

My boss has the right to snoop all over my work computer

 

My SO/spouse has the right to know my passwords, check my phone, have an "in" into all parts of my life

 

My business partner has a right to snoop into any of my business dealings

 

My bank has a right to snoop into any of my accounts

 

The moderators here can snoops all over my posts and PM's

 

What is NOT right in ANY rational universe if for me to decide to hack writergirl's IP address or for dealdavis to go looking all over the internet for secrets about my private life or the like.

 

None of that is about transparency or trust or any other type of "honorable cause." It's just...disturbing and a sign of some problems.

 

So yes, if I am in a committed relationship or a marriage WITH YOU, bring on the snoop. If you are a friend of a friend who heard so and so, stay out of my life.

 

And the law agrees with me on that.

[PrettyEmily77]

Because people who don't approve of snooping (and this is just my opinion) aren't transparent. Those tend to be the type of people who cry "foul!" when they cheat on someone and then accuse the snooper of invading their privacy. Those are the type of people who preach "don't snoop it's wrong" and then, by their own cheating actions, give their partner a reason to snoop, who they then gaslight because they don't like the fact that their partner's snooping uncovered evidence of cheating.

 

I know this is only your opinion writergal, but it's actually quite hurtful. I'd never snoop under any circumstances, and if I felt something was wrong in my RL I'd follow my gut instinct and leave, no snooping.

 

 

I am however completely transparent and wouldn't post or email anything my BF would have a pb with. I was also totally transparent with my then BF but his paranoia and unjustified snooping (private emails, work emails, sometimes following me to work) totally took over to the point of ruining our RL. I have never cheated on any of my partners and never would: I've seen up close the sequels it can leave on someone's self esteem and ability to trust and I would never put anyone through that. I disapprove of snooping precisely because I have nothing to hide and don't like to continually have to justify my actions based on nothing at all.

 

 

 

 

I recently had a case of conscience when I thought I'd crossed a line and pretty much immediately showed my BF the potentially incriminating messages: he laughed them off and thought I was totally crazy, then he gave me a big hug for being so honest about it.

[Buck Turgidson]

I won't snoop on a partner until he gives me a reason to.

 

So you won't do this thing that, in your words, "breaches a person's trust or compromises the integrity of the relationship" unless you think you have a really good reason.

 

Okay. I promise not to cheat, unless I have a really good reason, like not getting enough of the right kind of sex, or her using the wrong color hair dye, or that I **really** feel like I need to explore.

[autumnnight]

I know this is only your opinion writergal, but it's actually quite hurtful. I'd never snoop under any circumstances, and if I felt something was wrong in my RL I'd follow my gut instinct and leave, no snooping.

 

 

I am however completely transparent and wouldn't post or email anything my BF would have a pb with. I was also totally transparent with my then BF but his paranoia and unjustified snooping (private emails, work emails, sometimes following me to work) totally took over to the point of ruining our RL. I have never cheated on any of my partners and never would: I've seen up close the sequels it can leave on someone's self esteem and ability to trust and I would never put anyone through that. I disapprove of snooping precisely because I have nothing to hide and don't like to continually have to justify my actions based on nothing at all.

 

 

 

 

I recently had a case of conscience when I thought I'd crossed a line and pretty much immediately showed my BF the potentially incriminating messages: he laughed them off and thought I was totally crazy, then he gave me a big hug for being so honest about it.

 

I steer clear of anything that categorizes people as "all" or "nothing."

 

There are times when snooping is warranted. There are times when it is not. There are times when people chafe at snooping because hey have something to hide. There are times they chafe at it because it is ridiculous and none of X's business.

 

To say "all people who hate snooping are dishonest" or "all people who snoop are paranoid" is just not even logical or rational. It's a knee-jerk thing.

[Emilia]

Because a person who snoops is untrustworthy. It shows a lack of respect, the willingness to be deceptive and intrusive, insecurity, and a need to control.

 

I'd imagine this dedcribes the world's population at one time or another. Snooping doesn't bother me the slightest. I don't do it because I'm very sure it must be the worst to find half information and read the worst into it. But if guys look at my phone (it's a flip one I leave lying around) or read what I post etc, I couldn't care less. I'm pretty honest even when it doesn't paint me in a good light. Nothing to hide, don't care.

[pureinheart]

Because people who don't approve of snooping (and this is just my opinion) aren't transparent. Those tend to be the type of people who cry "foul!" when they cheat on someone and then accuse the snooper of invading their privacy. Those are the type of people who preach "don't snoop it's wrong" and then, by their own cheating actions, give their partner a reason to snoop, who they then gaslight because they don't like the fact that their partner's snooping uncovered evidence of cheating.

 

I won't snoop on a partner until he gives me a reason to. I have no problem with a boyfriend reading my text messages (I rarely text because I hate it so much) or emails. Same with any social media that I have. I'd even direct him here to LS because I have nothing to hide. And by having nothing to hide, that tends to weed out the wrong types of men to date. At least that is my experience.

 

First- your avatar is the BEST!!! Love it!!!

 

Second (lol)- IDK girl, I must disagree with you because I am one of the most transparent people I know and not much of a liar either (every person on this earth or has ever been on this earth has lied). All of my ex's have had EMA's and I had revenge affairs.

 

I have snooped before, but didn't feel good about it and found it took way too much effort and time as all I have to do is sit back the other persons 'sin' eventually finds them out.. after that I figure out the next steps and either stay or go. I always left as the trust was gone.

[pureinheart]

Because a person who snoops is untrustworthy. It shows a lack of respect, the willingness to be deceptive and intrusive, insecurity, and a need to control.

 

Robert, I think you hit this one for the most part- though not for all snoops, but the majority I think.

 

I don't understand the need for snooping actually. I always knew when my mate was having an EMA and if I didn't, it's because I didn't care. Just to make clear, I'm not in favor of swinging or EMA's ... the not caring was more of me being done with the relationship.

[writergal]

First- your avatar is the BEST!!! Love it!!!

 

Second (lol)- IDK girl, I must disagree with you because I am one of the most transparent people I know and not much of a liar either (every person on this earth or has ever been on this earth has lied). All of my ex's have had EMA's and I had revenge affairs.

 

I have snooped before, but didn't feel good about it and found it took way too much effort and time as all I have to do is sit back the other persons 'sin' eventually finds them out.. after that I figure out the next steps and either stay or go. I always left as the trust was gone.

 

Thanks PIH! My new avatar is a much more close representation of me. HA!

 

Meh...It's ok that we disagree. It's just me spouting off my strong (but not correct just an) opinion based on my personal experience with boyfriends who've lied to my face about cheating on me. Two boyfriends total have cheated on me.

 

The more recent cheater tried to gaslight me (!) when I snooped on his cellphone and read incriminating texts from his coworker whom he eventually married as his second wife. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Wait for him to tell me he's cheating on me with his coworker and break up with me? That's what I feel like people expect who don't approve of snooping when snooping is called for. I don't think snooping is intrusive or an indicator that the snooper is untrustworthy. There's always a valid reason to snoop. I mean, private investigators snoop. Police detectives snoop. They snoop to expose cheating spouses, dirty businessmen and criminal behavior. So, I can't be convinced that snooping is wrong when good can come from it.

 

I am glad that I confronted cheater #2 when I did. I'll never apologize for it. It didn't change the trajectory of our relationship either, since he was cheating on me with another woman the entire time we were together. The cheater was talking about marrying me, how I was the one, etc. etc., and I foolishly believed him while he was cheating on me with his coworker.

 

I get why people don't approve of snooping even when their gut is telling them too based on a hunch. But I just can't live my life like that. I can't walk on eggshells hoping for the best from my partner. If he's cheating on me and I suspect it, damn right I'm going to snoop and I won't apologize for it. I view snooping as a necessity in a relationship when push comes to shove.

Edited June 11, 2015 by writergal

[autumnnight]

I will admit that when my last partner just faded with no explanation, I snooped some. And when his weird explanation a few weeks later didn't hols water I snooped some more. But my gut had been whining at me for a couple of months before he faded. I just didn't want it to be true.

 

I'm not sorry I found out the truth because it helped me to deal with it. BUT, I also wouldn't have gotten back together with him and then continued to snoop for the rest of our lives. That is what i don't get. If you are checking someone's phone/email/blah blah for ten or 15 years....why even bother? Just move on.

[jay1983]

This is like when shack down a group teenagers, all of em got somethin' they ain't volunteering. Lol

[writergal]

I will admit that when my last partner just faded with no explanation, I snooped some. And when his weird explanation a few weeks later didn't hols water I snooped some more. But my gut had been whining at me for a couple of months before he faded. I just didn't want it to be true.

 

I'm not sorry I found out the truth because it helped me to deal with it. BUT, I also wouldn't have gotten back together with him and then continued to snoop for the rest of our lives. That is what i don't get. If you are checking someone's phone/email/blah blah for ten or 15 years....why even bother? Just move on.

 

Snooping saved you from wasting time over your ex-bf. Right? Your gut alarms had been warning you for 2 months before your ex-bf faded. No one wants their gut to be right when it comes to someone you love not being the 'right one' and leaving. But I think you were better off for snooping because it served a purpose didn't it? It showed you what your gut already knew about your ex-bf's feelings for you.

 

Well, if you are 100% transparent and have nothing to hide, then a spouse checking your phone/email/social media for the next 10 or 15 years won't be a big deal. But...if you are hiding something, then yeah, the snooping led to a good outcome, because it exposed the cheater to you. If you don't give your spouse a reason to snoop, then they won't.

 

Think about parents who install apps on their kids' phones to monitor what their kids write in their texts and email messages to their friends. It's a preventative measure to protect their child from being bullied or peer pressured into doing something stupid like underage drinking or drugs. Those apps send an exact copy of the text message or email message to the parents phone. So, I don't think it's intrusive or a sign that the parent is untrustworthy.