autumnnight Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 But if the cops went around randomly knocking on doors and searching houses without probable cause, (grateful this is still illegal at least for now) about half this country would be in jail. I don't believe our legal system is just or fair, so I don't agree with this. But the point being, with transparency in regards to our police and government, once they have the ability to tap everyones phone and process that huge amount of information, you'll discover that half of this country is consistently breaking the law. Your boyfriends may not cheat on you or be picking up hookers off craigslist, but I'm sure if you actually went through his phone, tablet, computer etc. you would inevitably find a multitude of things which would hurt your feelings. From conversations with his mom about your housekeeping to text messages with his coworkers about the "hot new girl at work" I promise you, it would make you look at him in a different way than you do now. Does that mean you should snoop? It depends on how much you really want to know about him. How much transparency do you really want? Privacy is a tricky thing. I don't look in my GF's phone because I don't want to see what she talks about with her friends, specifically her male friends who she used to sleep with. Some information is better left in the shadows. But I wish we both lived our lives in a way that we could have complete transparency and be respectful enough to never say or do things which would hurt each other, even behind each others back. If we had that i would ask her to marry me. Similarly, if we lived in a country with fair laws then maybe we could all be law abiding citizens. In that utopian world I would invite the cops in for dinner. This is a very interesting post.
Author LuckyLady13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 If you're SO is a lawyer, doctor or in the CIA, that's a special circumstance and honestly, I have no idea what you do with that one. I do agree that if you feel the need to snoop in the first place, it's a big red flag waving in front of you letting you know something is just going wrong. I think my neighbors boyfriend this morning had some kind of reason to be suspicious in the first place and got up before she did this morning just to confirm something he had a bad feeling about. I'm sure it's not easy finding damning evidence your SO is cheating on you. Hopefully he saved himself from getting any STD's from her. I forgot that I had an ex-boyfriend who was not just suspicious of me, he stayed suspicious for quite a while (his own guilty conscience was eating him alive, coupled with thinking everybody is as much of a liar as he is). At first I thought he was overly paranoid with an obsessive mental issue but it turned out he was cheating. I didn't snoop in that case and looking back, I wish I did. I didn't catch any STD's but I could have! I think this issue starts sounding really complicated with all the different points of view. Some are very valid. They make a lot of sense. My friend who found out her husband was cheating when she suddenly had herpes would have benefited greatly if her eyes were wide open and if she was suspicious enough to snoop. I just still think, in a relationship, too much is at stake. I even think, because my friend was blind-sided with herpes, it makes sense to snoop once every blue moon to be on the safe side to make sure you're not missing anything. I can't see myself doing what I just said but I do think self-preservation is important. We'd all love to think our SO loves us so much they wouldn't do anything to harm us ever but even LS shows day after day, year after year, there are so many people being cheated on it's incredible and sometimes, the betrayed person in the relationship didn't see it coming at all.
deadelvis Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'm not sure what you're arguing at this point. I don't go through people's phones 'cause nothing is there for me. And yes, I also wouldn't do it because I don't want to find things I'm not looking for, I don't think I need to know every single thing they talk about with other people. It also never really crosses my mind because I'm not suspicious and have no probable cause or reasonable suspicion that anything is awry. Snooping has to be for a reason period. If you just find that it's your habitual practice to check through your SO's stuff you might be controlling or paranoid. As for me, I have never even felt the desire in any of my relationships. I might pick up my guy's phone if mine is far away to check the time or use the calculator app or use the internet...but it's never a thought like "Hmmm he's asleep let me look through his messages and see what he's been saying and who he's been talking to." I don't think like that. If I started to think like that though, my actions would be to have some talks before it even got to that point. But having a mom who is married to a serial cheater who has spent much of her time snooping around...I've watched her and thought "I have NO TIME." You don't trust this man, rightfully, so leave him! But to stay with him and then daily and weekly or whenever act like you work for the FBI is too much for my tastes and I much prefer the peace of mind that comes from a relationship where checking and searching and snooping isn't even a thought. I guess my point is this. If people regularly went through each others phones, a lot of relationships would end right then and there. Maybe it's better to see the whole truth about someone and decide if you are willing to accept it. I'm sure my girlfriend would leave me if she read all my posts on LS forum. Maybe that would be in her best interest. I'm glad this forum is anonymous because I don't want to lose her, but in a world with complete transparency I would have said these things to her face and watched her walk away.
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Mmmkay. And I assume you are not a real person either, just an internet robot. Alright. No I'm a progressive, politically correct person who gives generic advice and never disagrees with women on here.
MissBee Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 haha thats from south park anyhoo, i think its ok to snoop. mainly cause everyone else does it. you may find something you don't like but you also may get some good info that you can use later on The idea that everyone else does it is where I object. I have no reason to lie. I have admitted worse things on here. If I snooped I'd own it. But I don't and I think people need to stop saying this is what "everyone does" when several people on this thread say they don't do it. Speaking in absolutes is never wise. It's better to say you know many people who do it or that you do it, but to rope the entire planet in saying "everyone does it" even when someone says they don't do it, is much. 3
MissBee Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 No I'm a progressive, politically correct person who gives generic advice and never disagrees with women on here. That's fantastic!
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Nobody else remembers that thread from last year, where the guy set up his girl's computer where the screen saver randomly shuffles from the pics on the computer and pic of his girl blowing somebody popped up? Lol
deadelvis Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Nobody else remembers that thread from last year, where the guy set up his girl's computer where the screen saver randomly shuffles from the pics on the computer and pic of his girl blowing somebody popped up? Lol More than likely it was an old picture from before they dated... which is also why I don't go through my girlfriends phone. 1
alphamale Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 The idea that everyone else does it is where I object. I have no reason to lie. I have admitted worse things on here. If I snooped I'd own it. But I don't and I think people need to stop saying this is what "everyone does" when several people on this thread say they don't do it. Speaking in absolutes is never wise. It's better to say you know many people who do it or that you do it, but to rope the entire planet in saying "everyone does it" even when someone says they don't do it, is much. when some people say "everyone" it usually means some people
MissBee Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 More than likely it was an old picture from before they dated... which is also why I don't go through my girlfriends phone. And also, seeing something by accident is quite different from snooping. The guy I'm seeing now, his phone is on the bed beside me often. I don't go through it or even pay attention to it. I don't get up in the middle of the night to read his messages or any such thing lol, I seriously don't think about it and he has nothing to hide so has no issues with leaving his phone on the bed. If a text or something popped up and I saw it it wouldn't be because of snooping, but because it is right there and I glanced at it. Or if I'm already using your phone or computer and something pops up it's entirely different than me being 50 files deep in your computer digging around.
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 More than likely it was an old picture from before they dated... which is also why I don't go through my girlfriends phone. It was, like I said on page 1, there's a downside to it.
deadelvis Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 And also, seeing something by accident is quite different from snooping. The guy I'm seeing now, his phone is on the bed beside me often. I don't go through it or even pay attention to it. I don't get up in the middle of the night to read his messages or any such thing lol, I seriously don't think about it and he has nothing to hide so has no issues with leaving his phone on the bed. If a text or something popped up and I saw it it wouldn't be because of snooping, but because it is right there and I glanced at it. Or if I'm already using your phone or computer and something pops up it's entirely different than me being 50 files deep in your computer digging around. Right. I've seen enough on accident that I don't want to know anything else. I really love this girl and I'd hate to lose her over some flirty text messages or a few old dick pictures. Similarly I don't think she ever wants to know what I post about on the LS forum. I don't go on here when things are going good.
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 when some people say "everyone" it usually means some people They shouldn't bc it's very unclear. If I believed that "no one" did x-y-z, could I just use "some people" instead and mean the same thing? 2
Author LuckyLady13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Nobody else remembers that thread from last year, where the guy set up his girl's computer where the screen saver randomly shuffles from the pics on the computer and pic of his girl blowing somebody popped up? Lol No, I wasn't around for that one. Okay, this is probably the best reason right here not to snoop UNLESS you have a really, really good reason to. 1
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 No, I wasn't around for that one. Okay, this is probably the best reason right here not to snoop UNLESS you have a really, really good reason to. Or see a text or an email from Leslie that saying "hey are with your girl tonight, let's get together" jump down his throat and find Leslie is a guy. Lol
deadelvis Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 What if it's not about catching them cheating, but just wondering what type of a person they are when you aren't around? People are a lot different around their SO than they are with friends... My last GF took 3 years to show her true colors. What if you don't want to waste 3 years only to find out they are not exactly the sweet, kind person they seem to be?
MissBee Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 What if it's not about catching them cheating, but just wondering what type of a person they are when you aren't around? People are a lot different around their SO than they are with friends... My last GF took 3 years to show her true colors. What if you don't want to waste 3 years only to find out they are not exactly the sweet, kind person they seem to be? This just seems like trying to see the future, the past and prevent things you can't. Maybe we should have our partners wear body cameras so we can see what they do 24/7 when we aren't around? Interview old exes and ask about all their complaints about them....and the list continues of artificial ways in which we can try to see who they "really are." OR we can be like normal people and be observant, use our common sense, let things play out. You can't prevent future time being wasted. Someone may not show their "true colors" 10 years from now, rather, in 10 years or 3 they could simply change, that's life. We aren't the same people we were last year much less 3 years from now and in relationships you grow together or apart and if you realize 3 years from now it's not working, it's not...you leave. It all boils down to what you would prefer to spend your time doing. Worrying about what they MIGHT be doing and so your side job is being a sleuth OR taking things as they come, only acting on reasonable suspicion, and reassessing the relationship if need be but overall having trust and peace in things if you have no reason to be suspicious. It just seems like people who sleuth around without reason based on "seeing what they are like when you aren't around" are particularly neurotic and can't just live but need to give themselves extra work and anxiety. So it may simply be a personality orientation. 1
deadelvis Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) ...Maybe we should have our partners wear body cameras so we can see what they do 24/7 when we aren't around? Interview old exes and ask about all their complaints about them....and the list continues of artificial ways in which we can try to see who they "really are." I bet if the average SO was a "fly on the wall" for "girls/boys night out" it would be game over for the relationship. Same goes for "grabbing a drink with the ex" I've seen girls out on "girls night". When I was single I would go spark up conversation with them. The "Sorry, I have a boyfriend" line usually comes after 30 minutes of flirting and buying her drinks. I've had guy's come up to me and say "just so you don't waste any more money buying her drinks, that chick has a boyfriend" and sadly I would say this is not the exception, but rather the rule. Edited June 9, 2015 by deadelvis
No Limit Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I think it depends on when you snoop. If you do it because you're bored or curious - no-go, definitely. But when you have a feeling something is going on, hell yeah snoop if you want real proof instead of lies by another person.
h0000 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I WILL snoop when I think something is up. There is no point "asking "that person because he/she will 99% deny it. But I wont snoop just because I am bored and want to know "what he/she is up to lately". I don't like people go through my stuff because they want to know what I am up to. That means they don't trust me. But I have no problem if they actually need to use my phone or computer to do something. Because I have nothing to hide.
deadelvis Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 No I'm just going to trust her and hope for the best. No more questions about which guys she's slept with and no more questions about who she hangs out with. Total trust and freedom do whatever she wants. But I realize there's a good chance I'm going to get burned. So if I get suspicious you better believe I'll be snooping.
beatcuff Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 and once again the ACTUAL question is being 'reworded' to justify your actions. from the OP: And if you're against snooping, why? I've noticed people who are seem very adamant about it. Why? we are NOT talking about transparency or disclosure or... we are talking about the actual act of snooping: which i assume we agree is the act of looking WITHOUT permission. for me: snooping = lying 2
autumnnight Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 and once again the ACTUAL question is being 'reworded' to justify your actions. from the OP: we are NOT talking about transparency or disclosure or... we are talking about the actual act of snooping: which i assume we agree is the act of looking WITHOUT permission. for me: snooping = lying Here's a question on top of this. Most people I know who are heavily in favor of snooping are doing so because they believe their spouse is lying to them. So, if the allegedly lying spouse asks you if you are snooping, they ask you "Have you put a keylogger on my computer," etc......do you then get to lie to THEM and say no? This is a question I have always had. If the suspected lying is wrong enough that you need to investigate with stealth (and I definitely understand that need), then is YOUR deception also bad, or d you get a free pass for lying because you think they might have lied first? 2
Tayla Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Here's a question on top of this. This is a question I have always had. If the suspected lying is wrong enough that you need to investigate with stealth (and I definitely understand that need), then is YOUR deception also bad, or d you get a free pass for lying because you think they might have lied first? The ends do not justify the means. I respectfully agree that snooping is wrong on every reason I've ever heard someone doing it for. A good way to be untrustworthy is to snoop. 1
VeryBrokenMan Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I think in a normal relationship snooping is wrong and I never did it. However when I suspected my wife of cheating I snooped and immediately found evidence. When I confronted her without telling her I knew she denied it spectacularly. Was the snooping wrong in that case? My opinion is that at that point the relationship/marriage was essentially over and I was just protecting myself emotionally and from potential disease. I also believe that going forward once a spouse is a proven cheater they lose all rights to privacy from that point on. There is no redemption or free pass because they have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. I never thought about it before but my IC assures me that in a good relationship all passwords/accounts should be open and freely shared regardless if cheating has occurred.
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