LuckyLady13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I've seen a lot of people mention snooping being wrong. Even, at times, when someone suspects they're being cheated on. It occurred to me this morning (after hearing my neighbor get chewed out at 7am for cheating on her boyfriend - he read her e-mails) that I couldn't care less if someone was snooping through my things. I never turned this around on myself before when I thought about it. I've never had anything to hide so it doesn't bother me even slightly to think of someone secretly checking my e-mails or whatever. If it went on and on, the person would be in need of some kind of psychological help though because being paranoid in the face of continued evidence that I'm not up to anything wouldn't make any logical sense. Every single ex-boyfriend of mine and even the guy I'm with now says they were cheated on in the past. I knew the guy I'm with now for nearly 20 years and remember him being cheated on with the help of a mutual friend of ours (who we're no longer friends with). I don't know if it's actually true that every one of these guys were cheated on but if they are paranoid because of their past baggage, I couldn't blame them for checking to make sure I'm not cheating on them. Being that I have nothing to hide, it doesn't bother me and is easy to shrug off. Not only that, I think that if someone suspects they are being cheated on, they'd better start snooping for their health and safety because some STD's are permanent. Even if it's not going to make someone severely ill, I wonder how many people could've avoided herpes if they just knew they were being cheated on so they could've protected themselves. I actually know someone who found out she was being cheated on by her husband when she popped up with a case of herpes. Not the way to find out! If someone started reading all of my text messages and e-mails right now, they'd get bored before long. There's just nothing there. And if the same person checked 6 months from now and 2 years from now, it would still be a very boring undertaking. There's nothing to find. Am I the only one that doesn't think it's a big deal? And if you're against snooping, why? I've noticed people who are seem very adamant about it. Why?
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Snooping is a violation of privacy. Why not just come out and ask the person? And if you ask them but don't believe what they say then why are you with them in the first place? I don't understand snooping. 8
autumnnight Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Anyone can pick up my phone. Since I don't have an iphone it doesn't have that stupid mandatory lock screen thing. Most of my passwords are "remembered" on my computer. If I was with someone, it wouldn't bother me for them to know what my passwords were or see my facebook or use my phone. However, when they start installing malware on my computer and doing deceptive crap....they better have a smoking gun. And they better be my spouse. Remote access to my computer by a stranger is gonna...get ugly. 4
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 ^Exactly. Personally it's not an issue for me in terms of content - I don't care what my partners might see - but it is in principle. I don't want to be subjected to an 'investigation' if I've done nothing to warrant such a thing, and I haven't bc there are no lies in my life to begin with. My peeps don't care and don't do that tho so it's all good. (They don't 'investigate' specifically ....sometimes BF likes to peer into my data world to feed his own fascination, and I allow that and have no problem with it.) 1
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Everyone I feel has the right to protect themselves and if there is suspicion and snooping will give a definitive answer, then only an idiot would pass by that opportunity to get at the truth, IMO. Of course there are folk who will snoop and snoop and snoop for no particular reason and that is NOT good and can be a bit scary. Snooping doesn't always reveal wrong doing, it can set minds at rest too. 1
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Relationships are an investment of time, money and emotions. I'd rather find out SOONER than later if I'm being deceived. I was up front with my ex about my suspicions. He denied it up and down, called me "paranoid" and questioned how I could doubt his faithfulness, blah blah blah. Then the night came where I found a condom in his pocket, then hickeys on his neck. Some people have a good natural intuition. They know something's up. Snooping only banks that suspicion up. I can understand why some are sneaky about finding out. If you let your partner know you think they're messing around, they have time to delete the evidence. 3
Robert Z Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Am I the only one that doesn't think it's a big deal? And if you're against snooping, why? I've noticed people who are seem very adamant about it. Why? Because a person who snoops is untrustworthy. It shows a lack of respect, the willingness to be deceptive and intrusive, insecurity, and a need to control. 5
Author LuckyLady13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Snooping doesn't always reveal wrong doing, it can set minds at rest too. At the end of the day, this is how I feel about it. I agree with Amasyngrace that it doesn't make a lot of sense to be with someone you don't trust to the point that you'd consider snooping. However, I think that, for me, it's just being fair to the other person to set their mind at ease. I've been cheated on. It wasn't a picnic. And for a few years, I think I was suspicious. It doesn't help when men and women both will go on and on about men not being trustworthy and trying to screw anything that moves. In my experience over the years, women and men seem to cheat an exactly equal amount. I understand, Jen, what you're saying about being an honorable person and giving people no reason to not trust you so you feel you shouldn't be subjected to any of this. For me, it's not something I feel strongly about because I think, people aren't emotionless robots. If they are scared of being hurt because it's happened to them in the past, I understand that too. I have seen so much cheating in my life it's to the point I can barely believe anymore that there aren't people who cheat. I've seen revenge cheating by people who had just got engaged, people who are married, as if they are in cheating competitions like it's an Olympic event. I watched a man get crushed because his wife was cheating with so many people she was even cheating with the UPS delivery driver! Jen, you don't think ever that maybe, despite being an honorable and trustworthy person, people are just human and get scared and after a situation like the ones I just mentioned above, should get a little free pass? Because their fear may override their logical thinking and cloud their ability to see you for who you are? I don't expect people to be able to completely separate me from their past, especially if they've been hurt. People are human, to me.
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It's one of those things everybody does, but doesn't like to admit. Bad side to it, you might find something there's nothing wrong with, but you didn't really wanna find. I remember a thread last year where a guy went through his girl's computer and found old pics of her and her ex having sex. Lol 1
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Sure people are people but people with trust issues and insecurities should straighten that out before going into a relationship. That's only fair. 1
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'm not an anti-snooping nazi at all, don't get me wrong. If one of my people was feeling insecure and started snooping, my reaction would be to comfort them, not land on them w/both feet. I think moreso what I'm getting at is the irrational snooping, and possibly bc it's so often associated with controller behavior types. That I would not tolerate for one second, or anyone who felt they were entitled and tried to argue that with me. I'm familiar with all the cheating the world does too, both somewhat firsthand due to my lifestyle and also hearing it from other directly informed people. It really is almost universal, and for all the silly reasons you (Lucky) mentioned. Some people take genuine pride in it and in the destruction it can cause. The only thing I disagree with is the equality - from what I see and hear, women outpace men now by a healthy margin. 4
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Sure people are people but people with trust issues and insecurities should straighten that out before going into a relationship. That's only fair. No, this is flawed. What about people who snoop and find their partner was cheating? Yeah they should've straightened out their insecurities. Lol 10
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I think if you snoop then you do not trust your partner. Regardless of whether you find anything, you have an issue that you need to resolve. If you find something, then you have a much bigger issue which justifies the snooping and makes it a moot point. If you don't find anything you need to analyze and discuss why you don't trust your partner. 3
Author LuckyLady13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Jay, at first I totally disagreed with you when you said everybody does it and then smacked my forehead because I actually did do it once. I was dating this guy for about 3 years and he started this odd habit of going to bed at 5 am and going to work at 7. He was sleeping 2 hours a night! Every night! And spending all night long on my computer (he didn't have one). I thought he had to be smoking cocaine to survive night after night on 2 hours sleep, work 7 days a week this way and I got real worried that my money was possibly not safe with him in the house. And this is after 3 years this started, mind you. The only reason I knew he was doing this was because I have a bad habit of waking up randomly multiple times every night from a strange version of insomnia and every time I'd wake up, he was sitting at my computer going to town and multiple times I woke up shortly before 5 and he was STILL there. Finally, I had enough of this weird, suspicious behavior and when he went to work, I hopped on my computer and scoured it to find out what he was up to. Turned out, he had a porn addiction. Yay! He wasn't smoking cocaine but boo! My money could potentially still not be safe. Or my computer. Needless to say, that relationship ended. 2
Tayla Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Somethings are private and confidential. Be it medical information,insurance ,social security, financial portfolio. All it takes is one person snooping to garner it and have a field day . I would consider it irresponsible to allow various information to be easily accessed and tossed around for public scrutiny. Its not about whether I have anything to hide, its entirely about keeping information private for security sake. LS has strict policy on anonymity. It has its reasons for security. 1
alphamale Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) i used to snoop around my gf's place when she was out shopping. never got caught but i found some interesting stuff snooping is fun Edited June 9, 2015 by alphamale
autumnnight Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 All it takes is one person snooping to garner it and have a field day . This^ Thing is, a spouse who loves you and is worried you may be cheating will probably not do this. That is why the only person who has any business, IMO, snooping on me with regards to a relationship is the person who is in the relationship with me. And more and more, the law feels EXACTLY the same way. I will say that I did snoop on someone once, and I was glad I did. It explained where all that money was mysteriously going without my knowledge..... 2
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Snooping is a violation of privacy. Why not just come out and ask the person? And if you ask them but don't believe what they say then why are you with them in the first place? I don't understand snooping. People lie and gaslight you. If you have suspicions then try and verify. Why sit there and do nothing, when your other half is cheating? Verification is necessary , but constant snooping is a sign of insecurity. Having said that, if you've nothing to hide, you won't mind total transparency. Snooping told my friend her H had a whole other family. ....definetly worth it for her. 4
Author LuckyLady13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Oh no. What is happening here? I originally asked this question because I felt 100% sure that snooping isn't always wrong and I did want to understand why some people are so adamant about being against it. I'm going to be blunt. To me, it always sounded like the people who are against it sound suspicious. They sound like they are protecting or siding with someone they relate to. Then, Robert mentions how they are untrustworthy and I had to think about that for a second. He's right. If someone is sneaking around behind your back, that is some seriously untrustworthy behavior. I'm coming to the conclusion right now that really, this is a gray area and can't always be black and white, right or wrong. When I was woken up by this guy yelling his lungs out at my neighbor, I felt so bad. This guy apparently snooped, found out she's cheating and was really hurt. I could hear the pain in his voice. I wouldn't expect this guy to be so perfect, so mentally stable after this that he treats his next girlfriend perfectly well, logically with a good head on his shoulders. He's going to have some baggage. I really feel bad for him. 1
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Jay, at first I totally disagreed with you when you said everybody does it and then smacked my forehead because I actually did do it once. I was dating this guy for about 3 years and he started this odd habit of going to bed at 5 am and going to work at 7. He was sleeping 2 hours a night! Every night! And spending all night long on my computer (he didn't have one). I thought he had to be smoking cocaine to survive night after night on 2 hours sleep, work 7 days a week this way and I got real worried that my money was possibly not safe with him in the house. And this is after 3 years this started, mind you. The only reason I knew he was doing this was because I have a bad habit of waking up randomly multiple times every night from a strange version of insomnia and every time I'd wake up, he was sitting at my computer going to town and multiple times I woke up shortly before 5 and he was STILL there. Finally, I had enough of this weird, suspicious behavior and when he went to work, I hopped on my computer and scoured it to find out what he was up to. Turned out, he had a porn addiction. Yay! He wasn't smoking cocaine but boo! My money could potentially still not be safe. Or my computer. Needless to say, that relationship ended. My ex used to check her email whenever she came over to place. Once i got on and noticed she left it logged in and wide open. I saw emails from her previous ex and notifications from a dating site.
deadelvis Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 The only thing I would be afraid of her finding in my phone is hurtful comments I've made about her, or reading my threads on LS Forum. Things like telling my best friend that I think my girlfriend is getting fat and I wish she would hit the gym. But she wouldn't find anything to suggest I'm unfaithful. However I would never snoop through her phone mainly because I'm sure I'd find loads of borderline inappropriate text messages to/from former lovers and f-buddies. Lots of "inside jokes", flirting, sexual innuendos etc. I know she's faithful but reading that stuff would really break my heart. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.
jay1983 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Oh no. What is happening here? I originally asked this question because I felt 100% sure that snooping isn't always wrong and I did want to understand why some people are so adamant about being against it. I'm going to be blunt. To me, it always sounded like the people who are against it sound suspicious. They sound like they are protecting or siding with someone they relate to. Then, Robert mentions how they are untrustworthy and I had to think about that for a second. He's right. If someone is sneaking around behind your back, that is some seriously untrustworthy behavior. I'm coming to the conclusion right now that really, this is a gray area and can't always be black and white, right or wrong. When I was woken up by this guy yelling his lungs out at my neighbor, I felt so bad. This guy apparently snooped, found out she's cheating and was really hurt. I could hear the pain in his voice. I wouldn't expect this guy to be so perfect, so mentally stable after this that he treats his next girlfriend perfectly well, logically with a good head on his shoulders. He's going to have some baggage. I really feel bad for him. Well if someone is constantly snooping through their partner's stuff, then yeah something's wrong, but if they just looked once, found nothing wrong and didn't worry about it afterward, then that's normal.
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 The only thing I would be afraid of her finding in my phone is hurtful comments I've made about her, or reading my threads on LS Forum. Things like telling my best friend that I think my girlfriend is getting fat and I wish she would hit the gym. I'd much rather my H told me directly to hit the gym, than tell his friends. That would really devastate me. I suggest you delete such messages as soon as you send them if you really must send them. I can relate in reference to the LS posts. 1
deadelvis Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'd much rather my H told me directly to hit the gym, than tell his friends. That would really devastate me. I suggest you delete such messages as soon as you send them if you really must send them. I can relate in reference to the LS posts. I only confide that in my best friend. He lives across the country anyway. But yes I delete those messages immediately. You can never tell your girlfriend she's getting fat. It would crush her Her: "Do these pants make my ass look fat?" What I think: "Pfft. No but your ass makes those pants look fat." What I say: "No baby you look beautiful"
John Bigboote Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I think snooping is terrible, so here goes. What's been missing from this discussion is the privacy, not of the person snooped-on, but of the friends and family who have confided in them. So far in this thread, most people are falling somewhere in the "I don't mind if my partner snoops on me" area. Meaning, I think, that "I've tacitly given consent for my partner to look through my private things," because people have private spaces and consent is required to peep at them. So suppose A is partnered with B and gives B implicit or explicit consent to snoop. Does B have all of A's friends' consents to look at THEIR private communications? No. So even if A gives B consent, B is violating consent of all the people who looked to A for help, advice, comfort, or just being a sounding board. Think about it. When you bare your soul to a friend, are you expecting that friend to share your stories with anyone else? No, you're expecting confidence, and B is violating that confidence by snooping. Not to mention, that depending on A's profession, B is exposing both of them to criminal and civil penalties if, from A's emails or whatever, B learns certain things. For instance, if A is a lawyer, then B reading a client's email is criminal. Not only criminal, but indisputably wrong: a client tells things to his lawyer that are never intended for anyone else. If A is a teacher or health professional, then A and B can be held responsible under FERPA or HIPPA for revealing legally confidential information. If A works in defense and B learns classified information by snooping, they can both go to jail. Frankly, it's hard to imagine any profession where there isn't some sort of trade secret that should be kept that way. There are other points I could make, but this one, I feel, is the one that's always missing from the discussion. "I don't mind if my partner reads all my e-mail." But what about all the friends, family, clients, students, patients, bosses, and whoever else you've been talking to? Do THEY mind? Have you asked them if you can share their private e-mail addressed to you with other people? Of the other points I could make, I'll just also address "nothing to hide." Privacy isn't about having anything to hide. If you think it is, then I challenge you to have sex in the middle of Times Square, take a dump off the end of Fisherman's Wharf, and to publish all your credit card numbers here. The sex positions you enjoy, which dildo you prefer, going to the bathroom, and all your credit card numbers aren't "things I'm hiding," but they are (for most people, hopefully) private. Even here, where it seems so easy to talk to so many others about how you like your sex, is a private space because you don't do it under your real name. And other things are like that too. People's private space is private. Maybe I write poetry I don't want to share to anyone else (I actually do). Maybe I write down thoughts intended only for me, that might upset my partners if they saw them and that I mean only in the moment, or that I'm writing out therapeutically to try to figure out how I feel about something. Everyone has those thoughts. These things aren't secrets; they're just private. And just like there are boundaries for sexual behavior (so I've heard), there are boundaries for privacy. Where you set those boundaries is your business alone, but they are boundaries, just like "don't have sex with anyone else" is a boundary. And when a partner crosses a boundary, that makes the other partner feel violated. It doesn't matter if the boundary is sexual or otherwise. The feeling is the same. My personal boundaries are such that someone reading my private poetry and **** would make me feel much more violated than if someone has sex with one of my partners. It would probably cause a breakup. But that's just my own personal feelings. Everyone's boundaries differ. Which is why everyone should talk with their partners about what their boundaries are, and choose long term partners whose boundaries agree with theirs. Not just sexual boundaries, but all boundaries. 4
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