Miffy Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Mine is a slightly different situation in that I am married, he wasn't. Its a long story but to summarise: I have two young children yet still fell head over heels, I let my emotions rule my head. He was not what I thought he was - he liked the excitement of a new relationship, was controlling in the way he told me when I could text and not but I don't think was ever in it for the long run. I suspect he had a few girls on the go. I still meet him occasionally for a coffee, the last time was 3 weeks ago and he still claims to be in love with me. Our relationship ended over a year ago though and I have not kissed or been physical since. I have told him he can forget it, there's no way I am going back there but here's where I need help. I get so tempted to text him sometimes, can't stop thinking about him - I just want him to lose the hold he still seems to have. When he wants to meet me for coffee I crumbl and meet altough nothing physical ever happens (not through lack of him trying though) No slagging off please, just some good advice please from anyone who's been there.
Cis Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I'm so sorry you're in this predicament! I'm not suggesting you do this, and I don't have children with my husband - but the most effective way to get over this is to come clean with your husband. I did this and by demystifying the relationship and making it real and not forbidden - I tell you - you get over it real fast! Of course I have completely destroyed the marriage I had (we're separated), and hurt my husband beyond belief. BUT there is a chance (although it's looking smaller all of the time) that my husband and I can recommit to a relationship and marriage that we both want. Hang in there - your relationship with your lover is just a smokescreen for all of your marital stuff that you can't or won't deal with. In my entire 50 years on this planet, I was never more addicted than I was to my inappropriate, mentally unstable, and controlling "friend". It was a difficult experience, but I'm glad I am where I am today - at least I feel like I have a chance for happiness. I am so terribly sorry that I had to hurt my husband to get here. Cis
nyckey Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Based on what Cis said, can you live with tha fact that even though you told your H the truth that you and the kids will find happiness, I don't think so. You don't have to hurt anyone to gain happiness. The truth, sets you free, I think that is even a lye. You sound strong minded, and I don't think it the boyfriend who has to get over you, since your always there for him. Come-on. If it helps, I'll chat with you for a while, at least until you both are over eachother.
Merin Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I guess the first thing to recognize here is You're Married, he isn't.. IMO he doesn't owe you anything. I'm not saying that to be mean... but honestly when the 2 of you were together involved still when you parted ways you went home to your Husband and Children see what I'm saying? It is irrelavant (IMO) if he had other Women besides yourself at that time.. because he wasn't the person in a committed relationship (marriage) I suppose at this point you need to decide if having these *meetings* with him is really making you happy.. decide that you (not to mention your husband) deserve something more fullfulling than an occassional cup of Joe with sexual tension going no where...
nextel Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Some secrets, you take to the grave with you. Erase his name from your database, block his calls and find something else to do with your time. Whatever you do, do not tell your husband.
Miffy Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Thank you all for your advice, much needed I can tell you as I am finding it hard to take a step back and evaluate so you are all helping much more than you probably realise. I am not sure about the 'he owes you nothing' comment although I understand what you are saying. You see I split up with my husband for a few months and told him our marriage was not working. I did not tell him there was someone else because he was really upset and I thought it would be too much for him to take. I was in love with the other man and we had talked marriage etc. This was not an affair for me ie I was not sleeping with two people/in two relationships at same time in my eyes. The OM said all the right things I suppose and like probably thousands of others I fell for it. He was living with ex at the time but wanted to keep me secret hence the control over when I could and could not text. I did doubt whether they had split at one point (he has two kids with her same age as mine) but he did move out so who knows! Being in a relationship with him was not a nice feeling though if I am honest - the highs were sooooo high but the lows were so low. When I realised it was not working I was racked with guilt (and still am) for causing so much hurt to my husband, depressed and sad. Now I have accepted in my mind it is over but my heart still aches!
Miffy Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 How long does it take to get over someone ie to stop thinking about them? How do you do it when part of you just wants to go and meet them? Not sexual, just to see them?
DTM Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 You have to be strong Miffy. Only you can prevent the situation from escalating any further. If you explain to the guy that it is over, and ignore and don't contact him any more, he will get the picture. Then after some time, you will get over it.
nyckey Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 So you realized that the grass is not greener on the other side, never leave someone for someone else. All that saids is that you are insecure. Leave them for your own reasons, not because you met someone better. You are letting that little good time ruin years you and your H had. All it shows is how desparate you really are. I always thought women were good at hiding there true feelings. Stop this little teeny bopper behavior and start acting like a woman who nows what she wants, and then go GET IT! nyckey
Miffy Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Its like AA isn't it, confessions and all. Its been two weeks and although I have been so tempted I have not made contact. My last text two weeks ago (after he said I want to stay friends, please email but don't text) was to tell him he was trying to control me by telling me when and how to contact, that I felt 'caged' and stifled by his actions as I like to have fun and be spontaneous. That under these enforced conditions I could no longer be friends with him. Since then nothing, I hope to stay strong, resolute and stick to my no contact even though inside I am hurting. I hope I did the right thing.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Yeah but don't "settle" for you husband. Either you want him and the marriage to work or you don't. Put that guy OUT of your head, your blood, your heart...Rid of him. If you don't the marriage and those feelings you could have with your husband won't happen. Go to marriage councilling. Spend time together, remember why you fell inlove with your H in the first place. But if you don't feel it, get out of the marriage. It isn't fair to your H if you're still thinking and longing for this other guy.
Miffy Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Thanks whichwayisup I do still have lots of feelings for my husband but its just all so mixed up in my head, I have been with my husband for 16 years so its a comfortable love rather than the excitement I had in the affair. But it would be unfair of me to compare the two - an obvious one is that I have two young children with my husband, I reckon the other man would not be so exciting cleaning sick up in the middle of the night after no sleep - if you see what I am saying! My head knows this, its just that my heart is struggling to catch up. Its nice to be able to come on here and vent as it keeps me from emailing the other guy. I have to accept I got played big time, although it felt like something else. Men like that are good at it and that's why so many women end up like me.
nyckey Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by Miffy Thanks whichwayisup I do still have lots of feelings for my husband but its just all so mixed up in my head, I have been with my husband for 16 years so its a comfortable love rather than the excitement I had in the affair. But it would be unfair of me to compare the two - an obvious one is that I have two young children with my husband, I reckon the other man would not be so exciting cleaning sick up in the middle of the night after no sleep - if you see what I am saying! My head knows this, its just that my heart is struggling to catch up. Its nice to be able to come on here and vent as it keeps me from emailing the other guy. I have to accept I got played big time, although it felt like something else. Men like that are good at it and that's why so many women end up like me. Yeh, but some women never lealize it like you did.... I just wonder what your going to do know, I hope you take charge, and show them all how your not going to take there crap anymore... You know what you have to do, just stay focus on what make you happy.... Oh Miffy, your not confused your just misunderstood, and that not your fault, if they just don't understand. Chin UP!
Miffy Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 I weakened and sent him an email just saying I miss him, what is wrong with me? I do so well for so long then just seem to lose it.
cranium Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Miffy, Read my thread on Infidelity. MW had a 10 month affair with a single co-worker. She asked me for a separation and denied to my face when I asked her if there was someone else. I found a condom in the trash a few months later and the game was up. We have also been together for 16 years and have 2 young children. You see I split up with my husband for a few months and told him our marriage was not working. I did not tell him there was someone else because he was really upset and I thought it would be too much for him to take. That's so nice of you to protect his feelings. He is an adult, don't treat him like a child. Do you ever really think about your husband? What you are doing shows him zero respect. Are these lessons you want to teach your children? Tell your husband before he discovers on his own and get into Marriage Counseling if you want to repair your marriage. Your husband is an innocent person being victimized by you, and he has the right to know everything so he can make decisions about his life and his children's. With only rare exceptions, relationships begun as affairs fail, and they always hurt innocent people. The first thing that hastens their speedy end is exposure.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by Miffy Thanks whichwayisup I do still have lots of feelings for my husband but its just all so mixed up in my head, I have been with my husband for 16 years so its a comfortable love rather than the excitement I had in the affair. But it would be unfair of me to compare the two - an obvious one is that I have two young children with my husband, I reckon the other man would not be so exciting cleaning sick up in the middle of the night after no sleep - if you see what I am saying! My head knows this, its just that my heart is struggling to catch up. Its nice to be able to come on here and vent as it keeps me from emailing the other guy. I have to accept I got played big time, although it felt like something else. Men like that are good at it and that's why so many women end up like me. But that is marriage! Passion, low key passion, high passion, love, inlove, dislike, like, irritation, annoyment, all of it rolled up into one! My husband drives me INSANE sometimes, to the point when sometimes I think to myself, OH f*k, this is the rest of my life...Then it hits me - He is my life...Even though he bugs the crap outta me at times! Ofcourse all couples go through their ups/downs, it's all worth it. Marriage isn't supposed to be a cake walk - Nice'n'easy with a cherry ontop. Don't call this OM, don't email him. Just going to do you more harm than good. Don't need him in your life!! You're strong and remember that! Those little things your H does for you - Shows how much he loves you. Things around the house, laundry, dishes, etc...Men express their love in so many ways as some aren't big on showing alot of affection or communicating it all the time. He is the one who holds you when you're sick, or had a bad day...Not this OM. Don't let him win. Your winning is NC and live your life happily without him.
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