dating and playing your secret cards

[candie13]

1) I like a woman that has goals and drive. Nothing is more of a turn off to me than a woman with no direction or ambition.

 

2) I'd say to focus more on chemistry and interaction with a guy that pushes your buttons. If he's shown that he appreciates you for who you are, then you can take pride in being his arm candy from time to time. Ultimately though, sexual persona has nothing to do with dress style. So I'll take a girl next door that's a freak in bed any day over a hot girly girl that's lazy in bed.

 

1. alright, I'm anything but not-driven. I should be more goal oriented, IMO, but nothing that cannot be fixed.

 

2. I agree with the focus on chemistry and interaction. It's just that... I think, maybe for the first time in a long time, I don't want to dress to please the eye or fit in or give the proper signals of a woman that has things going in her life. I think it'll have to do with me, I'll have to distill it down to what I like to wear and what images do I want to project. My sexual persona is not a problem, I'm great in high heels as well as jeans, haha

[candie13]

Me thinks that he just wanted something different, not anything to do with your earning potential.

 

?

[Emilia]

This can be tricky for a woman. I do ok. Nothing to write home about but I do better than my peers, I'm set up financially, have a good career, work for a household name in a good job, etc. I also dislike wearing labels, I do have a couple of decent handbags and nice shoes - goes with the territory - but my preference is to find little random pieces here and there and absolutely no labels because I'm not a walking advertising board. I'd also rather spend my money on other things.

 

I also keep pretty quiet about my private life and men don't know what I have or don't have. I insist on paying for my share out on dates but it's not until they've seen how I live, where I travelled, the business I have on the side etc do they realise that I have more money than they do. I can't stand flash bars, don't drink champagne cocktails, don't wear those awful 'glamorous' dresses that instantly age any woman, etc.

 

and I have to say that doesn't always go down very well. I do see them get defensive about stuff. It's not because what I have is so amazing but because they tend to have average amount of money. I like nice smart guys, they are usually younger than me, they don't work in Sales or for a bank or anything like that so they don't tend to have a lot of materials goods.

 

So yeah, being discrete is a double edged sword. I don't think it has caused me problems but I think they had been taken aback in the past. I'm pretty confident none of them had girlfriends with my set up before.

[GemmaUK]

I find it quite strange that guys are saying that a woman's job etc isn't important. I have found the opposite to be true since dating after I left my long term relationship.

Those I have dated and not dated too have asked exactly what I do, have suggested I am not telling the truth about what I do, a couple have asked me to 'prove' what I do. How I am supposed to do that when I am a Management Accountant? Do I produce a spreadsheet of their profitability with variances in their cost and worth week to week for analysis at the end of the month to consider whether I should continue dating them?!!

They've also questioned my income (they got no response to that ever).

For the record I am not a high earner. I am only qualified by experience.

I couldn't continue with studies due to my Dad getting sick and caring for him whilst working a full time job and holding down my long term relationship at the same time.

 

I am at the point where I am tempted initially to just say I work in customer service or admin just to avoid all the questions to be honest!

With their work I have always just taken whatever they do as valid otherwise they would not be employed. I would hope they enjoy what they do. I have no interest in their salary as long as they can pay their own bills and not expect me to cover or equally have parents or anyone else covering for them (Bearing in mind my age is 46 so I would hope a man can look after himself by this stage in life).

 

 

As for clothes.

Excuse some possible assumptions here but you haven't specified your style/s at all.

I have a few friends who are high end buyers when it comes to clothes.

One dresses like Audrey Hepburn but she has her chilled out days in straight jeans and a sweater which on her is big enough to look cosy. Personally I think she looks great in that look but she loves her AH look.

 

Another lady I know, she is all out designer as well - some looks good on her and some is just designer and looks a bit OTT.

 

I know another friend who is all into her handbags. I didn't know this when I first met her though. I thought the bag she had with her was from Primark (think Target as the US equivalent I expect?). The bag was a £700 handbag but to me it looked a bit cheap. Sorry to Gucci lovers!

This friend has over £100K worth of designer bags stashed under her bed.

She showed me them all once and I liked just one.

 

Good suits for work are likely a must for you I expect but other than that how casual do you go? Do you have designer logos on lots of things?

 

Looking 'put together' can come from picking an expensive but amazing vest top and then finding a long flowing skirt, a throwover, some shoes/sandals/flip flops and wearing an item of jewellery that goes with it or totally clashes (in the right way).

Or, a great pair of jeans, a t-shirt, pumps and barely there make up.

 

What is/are your clothing style/s?

[candie13]

dresses and jackets, mainly. Occasionally jeans with high heels, nicely cut tops.

 

I'm more into nice shoes than bags, actually.

 

my idea of a dress down is a loose tshirt that reveals a shoulder, tight jeans, and flats. I like to wear lacy summer dresses and flat sandals in the summer. I love fabrics that flow, I am not a big fan of prints, I like a nicely put together look but cannot stand artificial ones - too perfect or too arranged. Not sure how I feel about the AH look... maybe personalized with a nice accessory.

 

my nightmare is my hair. I have long curly hair with soft blonde highlights, which is great on my personal time, but it's tough to tame at work. So I overcompensate by spending a bit less time with the blow dries (aka pony tail) and add some more strict business wear. I allow myself a larger belt under that jacket or a more massive piece of jewelry, on my wrists, once in a while, when I feel I have no air to breathe, haha.

[Emilia]

dresses and jackets, mainly. Occasionally jeans with high heels, nicely cut tops.

 

I'm more into nice shoes than bags, actually.

 

my idea of a dress down is a loose tshirt that reveals a shoulder, tight jeans, and flats. I like to wear lacy summer dresses and flat sandals in the summer. I love fabrics that flow, I am not a big fan of prints, I like a nicely put together look but cannot stand artificial ones - too perfect or too arranged. Not sure how I feel about the AH look... maybe personalized with a nice accessory.

 

my nightmare is my hair. I have long curly hair with soft blonde highlights, which is great on my personal time, but it's tough to tame at work. So I overcompensate by spending a bit less time with the blow dries (aka pony tail) and add some more strict business wear. I allow myself a larger belt under that jacket or a more massive piece of jewelry, on my wrists, once in a while, when I feel I have no air to breathe, haha.

This doesn't sound over the top in any sense, can't see a reason why you would change it.

[MissBee]

ok, guys, I took some distance from my last dating experiences and wanted to run something by you.

 

basically, I have a high earning potential. I've recently bumped into a wall with my employer, but nothing a nice talk with my lawyer cannot solve for the next year . So short term it doesn't look that fantastic, but I am more than covered, even for the next 2 years, if the sh*t really hits the fan.

 

I was seeing a guy and on top of all the things that were working (more or less) he really loved that I was earning as much as he did (he's 4 years older). I'm driven and love my job, so shining at my work place was never - and usually never is - an issue. However, when things got sour at work, I would see him looking at me from the corner of his eyes. Nothing too obvious, but I for sure felt he was withdrawing. We were dating for a short while but he was moving really fast and was very determined in getting what he wanted - a family, kids, stability, stuff that I absolutely want myself. But... I was hoping he wanted them with me not with any woman just like me (right age, right income, right upbringing, right set of values).

 

Anyway, on top of my problems at work, one month later the dude tells me he doesn't believe in marriage, fair enough, we break up.

 

But the experience made me think: I don't want to attract a partner only because I have a shiny career (which, btw, I don't, at the moment ) and a good pay. I'm immensely grateful to God that this situation arrived, otherwise I would have thought that the recent ex was legit (actually, a few other details made me realize he was shady, but really subtle hints, nothing major).

 

Now that I am single... how do I play this angle ? Do I downplay it, giving a minimum of information at that level and see how the interaction develops? Do I just say the field I'm working it and not go into any other details until later on, if I like the dude ? And most importantly, how do I play it later, when I get my job back? I don't want to attract men who are into me because I'm a good earner, I want them to like me for me.

 

Same question for clothes: I know if I put a bit of effort, I look really hot. Put me in a pair of jeans, little to no make up and I look the next door girl. thing is, looking hot is nice, from time to time, but I get bored to wear perfect make up and really attentively selected, trendy clothes all the time. I do that when I'm working anyway, I'm more casual, day to day.

 

thoughts ?

 

 

I don't think there is anything to play.

 

I am sort of in a similar position but I don't ever think about it, as as you've seen for yourself, people who only want you for the wrong reasons eventually show their asses.

 

I strongly disagree with "testing" or pretending to have less than or be something else so you don't attract the wrong person...I mean it makes no sense to me. You can't avoid people liking you because of your career, breasts, looks, hair, whatever the quality is. But in dating and taking it slow and talking with them, like with this guy, over time it becomes transparent if they are in it for things you're not in it for. So I'd proceed as I normally do being honest about my life and using common sense and intuition and communication to figure out if a guy and I are on the same page and we want the same things or not.

[Versacehottie]

ok, guys, I took some distance from my last dating experiences and wanted to run something by you.

 

basically, I have a high earning potential. I've recently bumped into a wall with my employer, but nothing a nice talk with my lawyer cannot solve for the next year . So short term it doesn't look that fantastic, but I am more than covered, even for the next 2 years, if the sh*t really hits the fan.

 

I was seeing a guy and on top of all the things that were working (more or less) he really loved that I was earning as much as he did (he's 4 years older). I'm driven and love my job, so shining at my work place was never - and usually never is - an issue. However, when things got sour at work, I would see him looking at me from the corner of his eyes. Nothing too obvious, but I for sure felt he was withdrawing. We were dating for a short while but he was moving really fast and was very determined in getting what he wanted - a family, kids, stability, stuff that I absolutely want myself. But... I was hoping he wanted them with me not with any woman just like me (right age, right income, right upbringing, right set of values).

 

Anyway, on top of my problems at work, one month later the dude tells me he doesn't believe in marriage, fair enough, we break up.

 

But the experience made me think: I don't want to attract a partner only because I have a shiny career (which, btw, I don't, at the moment ) and a good pay. I'm immensely grateful to God that this situation arrived, otherwise I would have thought that the recent ex was legit (actually, a few other details made me realize he was shady, but really subtle hints, nothing major).

 

Now that I am single... how do I play this angle ? Do I downplay it, giving a minimum of information at that level and see how the interaction develops? Do I just say the field I'm working it and not go into any other details until later on, if I like the dude ? And most importantly, how do I play it later, when I get my job back? I don't want to attract men who are into me because I'm a good earner, I want them to like me for me.

 

Same question for clothes: I know if I put a bit of effort, I look really hot. Put me in a pair of jeans, little to no make up and I look the next door girl. thing is, looking hot is nice, from time to time, but I get bored to wear perfect make up and really attentively selected, trendy clothes all the time. I do that when I'm working anyway, I'm more casual, day to day.

 

thoughts ?

 

Good question. Regarding your career you shouldn't downplay it at all. The right guy won't be threatened by it. In theory you would be changing or hiding yourself if you kept that from a guy you were dating at the beginning. Be who you are. It will come out at some point. Thinking you wouldn't want someone who was threatened by it anyway. Be honest. So if you are set for the next two years allude to your stability or at right time near beginning of dating have a brief conversation about it. I have found that normal and worthwhile guys like an intelligent, self-sufficient woman. With most normal guys, it's a plus to be this. I think they get nervous if they don't understand your finances to the point that they are worried you might lean or become a drain on them like some women will. A simple sentence will take care of this. Also speak positively and excited about your future because that's where anyone would be worried that it wasn't the right time for you to be dating.

 

Love to talk about the look. I think it's natural in the course of a week that a little of both your looks would be going on. Again, never minimize yourself to market to guys. If you are on a date, put your best foot forward appropriate to the venue or event. Some are going to require more casual clothes and a look and some will be more dressy. Maybe what you need to do next is think really hard about what your next bf will be like. What sort of hobbies and lifestyle will likely bring the right pool of guys for you? If it's more of a casual sort of guy, put yourself in those places and dress for the place without dimming your shine. In other words, be targeted in your approach but still be who you are. 100% plus guys seem to love a woman who has variety in her look anyway. It blows most of them away. Good luck

[candie13]

This doesn't sound over the top in any sense, can't see a reason why you would change it.

 

I feel... constricted in my business wear and lacking imagination in my daily wear. And I think I want to find out how to break out of my shell.

[d0nnivain]

break out of your wardrobe shell by buying & wearing a daring piece that you otherwise wouldn't wear. Take your most stylish friend shopping with you & let that person push toward something out of your comfort zone (but within a sensible budget, in case it sits unused in your closet after this) then make a plan about where you will wear the new crazy thing.

[Popsicle]

?

 

Who knows? Could be a variety of things. Could even be someone who doesn't have a good earning potential. My point was that he wants something else. And yeah unrequited love sucks. I'm sorry.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't think that approaching dating and how to represent yourself as playing "cards" is a very good idea, srsly I can't relate, myself. If you want to spice up your wardrobe that is fun! But why would it be related to keeping your career and earning potential secret? Do you really think your last boyfriend was after you for your earning potential??

[Emilia]

I feel... constricted in my business wear and lacking imagination in my daily wear. And I think I want to find out how to break out of my shell.

I experiment with lots of different styles. I travelled in Asia and Africa so I like picking up on stuff that women from other cultures wear. Experiment with make up, shoes, etc. One of my favourite combos in the summer is a short but relatively prim dress (ie no cleavage) with fishnets cut off as shorts that show just below the dress, stuff like that. Just playing around. No need for big statements though. You can get cool accessories that would be unexpected with a particular type of dress. I always add something to make my look grunge-y. Never go for pretty pretty.

[candie13]

for Rosebud: no, I don't. He married a woman who could not work because of her fears, he is not that sort of a person.

 

But I do think that increased the appeal, initially. And when my job took the hit, two months later, I could feel how he withdrew. I was in shock, it took me a while to bounce back - and I could feel him watching me. It's my job, it's my career, it's my life. I don't allow anyone to judge me. That feeling sucked. That feeling sucked big time.

[candie13]

Who knows? Could be a variety of things. Could even be someone who doesn't have a good earning potential. My point was that he wants something else. And yeah unrequited love sucks. I'm sorry.

 

see, that's exactly it. he's looking for anything but love. I can't settle for anything less.

 

wanna know what the real irony is? the first date we ever had, he was acting all self assured. So to poke some fun into him, I've asked him if he's ready for a relationship. He said yes, with no hesitation. He told the truth, he made a rational decision that he is following through. I should have asked if he was ready to open his heart and fall inlove. poor question, poor answer.

[d0nnivain]

Candie

 

If you have this big deal job with lots of earning potential, you must have some skills the market values. Use the brains & fortitude which earned you professional accolades & apply them to dating. It's part of who you are. If you wouldn't apologize for being successful in business, why hide your light under a bushel when dating?

 

Just like men deal with gold diggers you may find a man or two who only likes you for your money but more likely you will find men who won't date you because they are intimidated or simply don't care to compete. So what? they are entitled to their opinion. You are entitled to make your way in the world however you like.

 

I'm not saying that you should laud your success over somebody else's head. You can be coy about how you answer the "what do you do?" Q but don't keep it a secret. I downplay my big deal job & fancy education at first but not because I'm ashamed. I know how some people react to my profession so I usually just state the industry. The wrong folks assume I'm a secretary & I rarely correct them but they also don't stay in my life a long time. Most of my the people I considered to be in my "dating pool" when I was single had similar professions & fancy degrees so it wasn't that much of an issue. However, when I met DH at a networking function, I was forthright because I was there not to fall in love but to drum up business.

 

Having all that professional success doesn't mean you can't be a lady when dating. Talk about softer subjects. Don't talk shop too much. Let him be the man: open doors, pull out chairs, make certain decisions (by that I mean don't always jump in with date idea, let him plan) and dress perhaps a bit more feminine for a date then work: higher heels, more make up, shorter skirt, more touchable fabrics etc.

 

In all things there is a balance.

[joseb]

 

But I do think that increased the appeal, initially. And when my job took the hit, two months later, I could feel how he withdrew. I was in shock, it took me a while to bounce back - and I could feel him watching me. It's my job, it's my career, it's my life. I don't allow anyone to judge me. That feeling sucked. That feeling sucked big time.

 

Are you sure he withdrew because of the job change, or because of your reaction/mood change/behaviour brought about by the job change?

[candie13]

both, perhaps.

[PogoStick]

Since you seem ambitious and career driven do you want the same in a man?How does the man's career fit into your attraction? Would you be comfortable with a man that has an ordinary job and average salary but he is happy with it?

 

What if he had a paperwork kind of job in city administration?

 

A computer programmer?

 

A physician?

 

Also, I wonder if that guy really felt different about you or if your job loss damaged your confidence and you projected it onto him. I don't think most men would be bothered, especially if you still had the money to support yourself.

[candie13]

I don't care much for ambition. I mean... I like driven people, those who have a purpose.

 

I actually love men who compliment me, in terms of skills. I am anxious and uptight and an overthinker. My ex of 7 years had this amazing sensitivity and was relaxed and cooled down. He was a technician working in a television, when we met, but he has this amazing talent when it came to editing, and I've always encouraged him. It took him one year to give a tape he had prepared to his boss... he changed jobs and became a reality show editor, he was that good.

 

I'm not sure if computer programers can fly with me, I have all this energy and warmth and weird sense of humour, I'd drive him crazy, I think... I really think I thrive near men who are in touch with their sensitive, creative side.

 

As for the projections linked to the job loss... I don't think so. I owe him a lot, because he did not let me crumble and was supportive, but I did feel him withdrawing emotionally, more and more. I cannot explain the difference I've felt in one month. He was feeling a lot more in control, I think. I was not spending all my free time at his place, but I was present and doing more stuff... like baking cakes, staying over when he fell really ill... strangely, he wanted me to spend even more time together. I think he felt reassured. Then he hit me with the "marriage" talk and I've suddenly left him. such is life.

Edited June 9, 2015 by candie13