candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) ok, guys, I took some distance from my last dating experiences and wanted to run something by you. basically, I have a high earning potential. I've recently bumped into a wall with my employer, but nothing a nice talk with my lawyer cannot solve for the next year . So short term it doesn't look that fantastic, but I am more than covered, even for the next 2 years, if the sh*t really hits the fan. I was seeing a guy and on top of all the things that were working (more or less) he really loved that I was earning as much as he did (he's 4 years older). I'm driven and love my job, so shining at my work place was never - and usually never is - an issue. However, when things got sour at work, I would see him looking at me from the corner of his eyes. Nothing too obvious, but I for sure felt he was withdrawing. We were dating for a short while but he was moving really fast and was very determined in getting what he wanted - a family, kids, stability, stuff that I absolutely want myself. But... I was hoping he wanted them with me not with any woman just like me (right age, right income, right upbringing, right set of values). Anyway, on top of my problems at work, one month later the dude tells me he doesn't believe in marriage, fair enough, we break up. But the experience made me think: I don't want to attract a partner only because I have a shiny career (which, btw, I don't, at the moment ) and a good pay. I'm immensely grateful to God that this situation arrived, otherwise I would have thought that the recent ex was legit (actually, a few other details made me realize he was shady, but really subtle hints, nothing major). Now that I am single... how do I play this angle ? Do I downplay it, giving a minimum of information at that level and see how the interaction develops? Do I just say the field I'm working it and not go into any other details until later on, if I like the dude ? And most importantly, how do I play it later, when I get my job back? I don't want to attract men who are into me because I'm a good earner, I want them to like me for me. Same question for clothes: I know if I put a bit of effort, I look really hot. Put me in a pair of jeans, little to no make up and I look the next door girl. thing is, looking hot is nice, from time to time, but I get bored to wear perfect make up and really attentively selected, trendy clothes all the time. I do that when I'm working anyway, I'm more casual, day to day. thoughts ? Edited June 9, 2015 by candie13
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Do I just say the field I'm working it and not go into any other details until later on, if I like the dude ? This. It's fine to talk about what you do in as much detail as you like, but don't mention salary or earning potential. That's very personal information. The things you do discuss: hobbies, holidays, etc, should give a good idea of your financial position... ie. "I went to the Caribbean last month and I'm off to Thailand this summer" or "I mostly vacation at home to save $$". And most importantly, how do I play it later, when I get my job back? The same. Same question for clothes I think you're over-thinking this. Just wear what you want to wear, what makes you comfortable, what you feel like wearing on that particular day. If a guy rejects you based on your clothes then you dodged a bullet.
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) it's not about getting rejected, lol. It's about impact, the wow factor. Edited June 9, 2015 by candie13
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Do you really think clothes will wow a man into loving you? If you're looking for ONS then sure. If you're looking for a relationship then you probably should consider a new strategy. 1
Haydn Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Loads of us fella`s like the girl next door type. Don`t mean she is an idiot or anything. We`re all attracted to different types and fashions. You could glam up, put a bit of slap on and look well nice but it might not work for some but others yes. I am not saying wear `beige` or anything like that. Whatever you feel you look good in etc.... I doubt anyone talks about salary when they first meet, (I never have) Small talk, seeing if there is a `click` You know the feeling.... Someone you`d quite like to see again after one meeting. Pete is right, overthinking.....Me-thinks. 1
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I don't see where I've said that a man loves me - or anyone - for the clothes it's got nothing to do with ONS vs relationships - for a ONS it's enough to approach a man, you can wear pyjamas, chances are you're gonna get it. clothes have to do with image and give a certain flavor, to a person. It's like seasoning, they give a certain flavor to the overall "dish". to your comment, it's people who decide to get into RS - and ONS - not their clothes.
joseb Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 clothes have to do with image and give a certain flavor, to a person. It's like seasoning, they give a certain flavor to the overall "dish". . Just wear whatever flavour you want to reveal at the time Personally I tend to prefer girls that dress more casual, nice jeans, low makeup. The fact that you have carefully selected trendy clothes will probably go unnoticed. Regarding income, yeah no need to ever go into much detail about that. OK saying what you work at, and you are doing well, but no need to go into too many details - a little mystery here is no harm. 1
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 it's people who decide to get into RS - and ONS - not their clothes. Yes, but clothes say a lot about you and your intentions. If you're wearing some revealing low cut top and tight skirt then a guy is going to think you're looking for some ONS fun. A guy looking for a relationship is going to be put off. If you're wearing a business suit then a guy is going to think you're a career woman. A guy looking to start a family is going to be put off. If you're wearing walking boots, hiking trousers and waterproof jacket then a guy is going to assume you're the active type. If he's a couch potato would be put off. See what I mean? So, what kind of guy do you want to attract?
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 oh, Pete... if it were only this easy Yes, but clothes say a lot about you and your intentions. oh no... clothes are a norm of society and one can play with them to confirm reassure or send some specific messages. Sometimes even deceive If you're wearing some revealing low cut top and tight skirt then a guy is going to think you're looking for some ONS fun. A guy looking for a relationship is going to be put off. I think it has a lot to do with the body shape and attitude. If the woman is icecold, looks boring and not smiling, trust me, no one's going to believe she's looking for fun. I doubt she's gonna get approached much as well - but then, I have no idea, I don't do that combo. If you're wearing a business suit then a guy is going to think you're a career woman. A guy looking to start a family is going to be put off. because career women and women who want to start a family are incompatible? I used to work in pharma, if you want to be taken seriously, you need to dress up, irrelevant if you are a PA or senior management. That's the trouble in Europe, everyone's suited up, you just never know if you're talking to a bank cashier or an investment banker If you're wearing walking boots, hiking trousers and waterproof jacket then a guy is going to assume you're the active type. unless you're coming back from a hike, no way will I be caught in that look If he's a couch potato would be put off. Fair enough, but maybe I won't allow a couch potato to see me wearing hiking gear. So, what kind of guy do you want to attract? A guy who's his own person, good head on his shoulders, authentic, sensitive, expressive and caring. I don't use clothes as to filter other men, I want to use clothes to express myself rather than to hide myself behind them . I think I was a bit shy before and now I want to change that.
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I want to use clothes to express myself rather than to hide myself behind them So wear clothes that express your personality. Told you you were over thinking it.
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 So wear clothes that express your personality. Told you you were over thinking it. yeah, that and "just be yourself" are the worst pieces of advice ever ! Like... what the hell...
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 yeah, that and "just be yourself" are the worst pieces of advice ever ! Like... what the hell... OK, but if you are not being yourself, how can you keep the pretence up for years in a LTR. 2
newmoon Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 i don't think you're going to impress men with your job anyway. men are impressed by a woman's inner qualities, and if a guy is saying he doesn't want marriage now (with you) it's because of your qualities, not a job title or earning potential or ambition, etc. i would keep the job talk to a minimum with men - what more do they need to know than what you do for a living? your degrees, salary, benefits, etc. aren't important to dating. and it might even emasculate a lot of them. your kindness, empathy, ability to emotionally connect, and so on is what some guy will be looking for. spend your time on subjects other than work - if work is all your have in your life and your biggest accomplishment, then find other things to talk about and play up. and look good all the time, for yourself - whether it's meeting your guy in jeans or a business dress outfit - it's confidence that'll come through not the color of your clothes.
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 i don't think you're going to impress men with your job anyway. men are impressed by a woman's inner qualities, and if a guy is saying he doesn't want marriage now (with you) it's because of your qualities, not a job title or earning potential or ambition, etc. he's divorced. his speech was "I don't think I ever want to get married" not necessarily "I don't want to marry you". Also, it's not impossible for you to be right. I'm not looking for hooks to get a guy to marry me. On the contrary, I want to weed off power hungry guys as well as leeches. I likes the rest of your post, though.
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 OK, but if you are not being yourself, how can you keep the pretence up for years in a LTR. it's a joke, obviously! but... just express your personality through your clothes... like ... please, such a typical guy thing to say !
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 What can I say, I am a typical guy. And so are the people you're dating. They probably think much like I do. I'm not sure what you're looking for here. You asked what you should wear on dates, I gave you some advice, and you're arguing with me. So if you know better, just ignore my advice and do what you want to do (which actually is exactly what I advised!). 1
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 What can I say, I am a typical guy. And so are the people you're dating. They probably think much like I do. I'm not sure what you're looking for here. You asked what you should wear on dates, I gave you some advice, and you're arguing with me. So if you know better, just ignore my advice and do what you want to do (which actually is exactly what I advised!). oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. in all honesty, I have no idea what the right answer is and your answer, also general, is actually the correct one. I need to do the work and understand what exactly it is that I want to change and how. It's unsettling. I was just poking some fun, didn't mean to offend you. thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, btw.
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 No worries, no offence taken! Just not sure how to help you. I guess you need a shopping trip 1
Haydn Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Usually it`s how you wear the clothes..... Some can wear anything and it works. Depends on so many things..... But yeah, the look first usually gives the first stirring of attraction.... And of course what they say or have anything to say. Then you usually know if you want to see them again. If you go to the kind of bars i go to then anything suitably indie catches the eye. Someone in a suit would have to wearing trainers for it to work...(And it does) Like Doc`s and a dress. Pretty timeless stuff. (Hipster etc...) All about personal taste in the end. 1
Popsicle Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Me thinks that he just wanted something different, not anything to do with your earning potential. 1
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Easy answer to both questions is "whatever's you." In other words, don't try to project a certain professional image catered to some objective, just be whatever it is you are. The rest will take care of itself. Same for dress - don't try to look a certain way, be the way that naturally represents your identity. I think you'll find that showing the real and simple you weeds out the weird player angles just fine. 1
Gary S Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 You look for a man to fall in love with you. They are more fun to be with when they are in love. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 1) I like a woman that has goals and drive. But her financial situation never really crosses my mind to be honest. As long as she contributes from time to time on dating expenses and doesn't act like I'm an ATM machine, it's all good. All that matters to me is that she is happy in her life and has a purpose. Nothing is more of a turn off to me than a woman with no direction or ambition. 2) Do I appreciate a woman that puts effort into her appearance? Sure. It's hot when a woman likes feeling desired and gets turned on by the attention I give her. However, if I don't genuinely like the woman inside the clothes, it doesn't matter how good she looks. So I'd say to focus more on chemistry and interaction with a guy that pushes your buttons. If he's shown that he appreciates you for who you are, then you can take pride in being his arm candy from time to time. Ultimately though, sexual persona has nothing to do with dress style. So I'll take a girl next door that's a freak in bed any day over a hot girly girl that's lazy in bed. 1
empresario Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I will respond from the success angle. I am a paper millionaire (I say that because there is a huge difference between being rich and being wealthy). Status is a big deal. It always is. How do I get around it? I never, ever specifically say what I do or the ceiling. I don't tell people I own one of the premier startups in the country (which if I said it, some of you may even know which it is). I tell people I'm an entrepreneur. Most of the time that just makes them think I'm unemployed, which works out, haha. Or I may say that functionally I'm a programmer. As we get further along I may release more details. But I have to see how they act around normal Empresario first. Because once status is involved, it changes things. The point is, money and power are attractive. So, just don't give them all the details. People only know as much as you tell them. 1
Author candie13 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Because once status is involved, it changes things. The point is, money and power are attractive. So, just don't give them all the details. People only know as much as you tell them. oh, absolutely ! I like that phrase of yours. I like it a lot !
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