Eternal Sunshine Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 So after 1.5 months of solid dating, I ended things with the new guy. It was hard to do because he was realistically a good catch. There were no red flags. He treated me well and was consistent and reliable. Physically he was probably better looking than me. Sex was great. He wanted a long term relationship with me. He seemed to be genunly smitten by me. But....I have been unable to have deeper conversations with him. He was not dumb, he just seemed like he can't speak more than a few words on any subject. At first I thought he was just shy and will take a while to open up. But he kind of spoke more on the first 2 dates than during the rest of the relationship. We never seemed to get past small talk. I felt intellectually and emotionally closer to many random co-workers than to him. Despite him calling me every day - we struggled to stay on the phone for more than 10 minutes. We never had conversations that flowed. To give an exmaple, say I talked at length about my parent's personalities. When I asked him about his, he said: "They are easy going. They are good people." The conversation seemed to end there. I tried watching movies and discussing the plot and characters. All he would say is "good movie". He seemed to not mind spending a lot of time with me in complete silence. He seemed to have no inner life. I was bored. I tried talking to him about this and he said that he hasn't noticed that problem and that our time together is "great". He seemed somewhat distressed that I felt that way and tried to talk me into staying with him. I don't think he has this need to share that I do. I know 2 couples (I have spent holidays and extensive time with both) - that have this type of a long term relationship (5+ years). They seem to skim the surface with polite small talk or else sit in silence. I never really understood when people said "my husband had a 5 year long affair and I never knew or noticed anything wrong". Or "my husband is a serial killer and I never knew". They probably had this type of relationship. I need someone that will be my best friend, that will share his thoughts and feelings with me about anything or everything. Where we will just lie in bed and talk till 4am. It's somewhat depressing that this didn't work out but it just wasn't the right fit 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Such irony! women always break up with me for the opposite reason, and so I'm always telling myself "why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut" I would bet money on it he has learnt a similar lesson.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Such irony! women always break up with me for the opposite reason, and so I'm always telling myself "why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut" I would bet money on it he has learnt a similar lesson. There are no tricks such as "keep my mouth shut" or whatever. You just have to be who you are and see if you connect. 1
regine_phalange Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It could be a lack of "friendship" chemistry. I think this kind of chemistry is very important in any relationship, friendly or romantic. When friendship chemistry is present you can talk about anything, small talk, deeper topics, banter, or even comfortably stay silent at times. I also love a man with an opinion, but at the same time I don't like intellectual know-it-alls, they get on my nerves! edit: When he gave you one-word answers, did you ask him more questions? Are you sure that he wasn't used to talking much and he couldn't express all his thoughts well? 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 It could be a lack of "friendship" chemistry. I think this kind of chemistry is very important in any relationship, friendly or romantic. When friendship chemistry is present you can talk about anything, small talk, deeper topics, banter, or even comfortably stay silent at times. I also love a man with an opinion, but at the same time I don't like intellectual know-it-alls, they get on my nerves! edit: When he gave you one-word answers, did you ask him more questions? Are you sure that he wasn't used to talking much and he couldn't express all his thoughts well? Yes I did. I actually tried for quite a bit. I would ask him more questions and tried to get him to expand but he seemed to repeat the same words and then he would quickly change the subject back to small talk like "nice view". I was even fine if he felt uncomfortable talking about himself, his family etc... so I tried to discuss some neutral topics, TV shows, music, passers by...he never seems to have an opinion on anything. I lost count of the times he would use generic words like "nice" "relaxing" and "easy going". Through our time togehter, I don't remember one interesting or funny thing he said. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Yes I did. I actually tried for quite a bit. I would ask him more questions and tried to get him to expand but he seemed to repeat the same words and then he would quickly change the subject back to small talk like "nice view". I was even fine if he felt uncomfortable talking about himself, his family etc... so I tried to discuss some neutral topics, TV shows, music, passers by...he never seems to have an opinion on anything. I lost count of the times he would use generic words like "nice" "relaxing" and "easy going". Through our time togehter, I don't remember one interesting or funny thing he said. Well that IS a bit extreme, i don't think i could last a week with a woman doing that. 'here's a nice view for you, watch me walking away and enjoy the excitement of telling your two word comment about it to yourself' 1
SummerDreams Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I totally understand you OP. Men have this idea that women only care for clothes, jewelry, nice places, good cars and a swimming pool. Well there are women like this but we are not all the same. Some women want the mental connection, the long and interesting conversations, the men who teach them things, the fascination of his intellectual skills. My bf never stops surprising me with things he reads, documentaries he watches and then remembers everything from them etc. One of the best thing we have in our relationship is the long "fights" we have disagreeing in matters like homosexuality, politics, social matters and so on. I always try to open conversations with "I was reading on the news today that ...., isn't it amazing? What do you think of that?" and go on from there. I hate small talk so I would never be with a guy who knows to do only that. You did well to end this. Let him go find a dumb blonde who will discuss only about her nails and her dresses. Keep looking girl
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I actually had no idea if he was ever married, if he ever had a relationship or when his last one ended. I am usually open about that info pretty early on. I only found this out on our last date, when I had to specifally ask him those questions that felt like an interrogation. He gave me brief and factual time line and quickly changed the conversation back to meaningless small talk. That's when I knew I couldn't take it anymore. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 So this guy is trying really hard to hang on, he tried to suggest some more interesting date ideas and said that he just takes a long time to open up and is narutally reserved. To be honest, I have no desire to try more, I don't think things should take that much work this early on. On another note, I went out to a bar with few friends from work last night and met a really cute guy who asked for my number. We now have a date on Saturday, he is taking me to a friend's gig. He is a good conversationalist
pie2 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I have a friend who's married to a quiet man. He doesn't tell the loudest or funniest stories. He doesn't go on about pop culture. He doesn't often delve into long conversations about politics. But he does create the most beautiful art. He is an artist, and expresses himself so meaningfully that way. I say this to highlight the fact that quiet people most likely have an "inner life"...they just express it differently, or have strengths in other areas. In addition to his amazing talent, my friend's husband is a faithful and strong man who I am sure will be by my friend's side until her dying day, in sickness and in health. As a couple, they share many loving moments together daily, and most importantly, they are a team. At the end of the day, that is often what people want the most when they've reached the end of their lives, and look back on what was most important. I hope you can continue to define what is most important to you and your life, and search out those things before moving forward in a relationship. Of course, you're free to live how you choose. I do feel though that being intimate with someone so quickly is harmful to your own relationship future. You sound so cavalier about this man you shared your most intimate self with, and seem to so easily cut things off with him. It kind of seems you're becoming calloused, and finding true intimacy with someone is becoming more and more elusive. I hope that's not the case. But if so, I hope you're able to find the tools you need to overcome any challenges you're facing in meeting the right man for you. 1
Emilia Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I think you made a mistake ES. As much as you need to get used to a man, it's true the other way round too. I think you should have given him the chance to relax and be more himself around you. I'm sure he realised that you are quite critical. You should have given him more time. 2
Mr Carson Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 It's a very difficult thing sometimes, I'm easygoing and can be quiet, but I do need good conversation at some point. I dated a girl who I met through a friend, she was a travel agent and would fly me to see her (she lived in another state) she was so quiet I couldn't take it. The last time I saw her I tested her and never said a word the hour ride to the airport, neither did she...one long uncomfortable ride. That was the last time I saw her. So OP I totally get you.
toscaroscura Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I'm the same way, Eternal Sunshine! I have come to accept that any man I end up with needs to be able to keep up with me as far as conversation/nerd rants/introspection. I'm not trying to say I'm so great and the guys were dumb or anything, it's just a personality thing. I dated a guy once who would not go deep about anything, and he seemed to have a gift for stopping conversation cold. Otherwise, he was great. But I knew I was in trouble when I relished conversations with my male best friend (who can nerd it up with the best of them!) and dreaded conversations with my boyfriend! When I am with a guy like this, I start feeling like my natural tendencies become pedantic or annoying. His silence/lack of depth makes me feel self-conscious. It's just not a good match.
salparadise Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I get it too. I can't see the point in continuing if you can't have an interesting conversation. When I go out on a coffee date with someone, that's basically what I'm looking for... ability to talk in depth about something, self disclosure, eye contact and body language, and the overall flow and rhythm. It's important to me that she be interested in ideas, not just practical matters and small talk. I'm supposed to go out with a nice woman for the second time tonight, and I'm ninety-nine percent sure it will be the last time. She has weird rhythm. She talks in short bursts, then changes the subject quickly, kind of random. Last night we talked on the phone and she asked no less than five times, "so what's new with you?" The first four times I came up with something, but the last time I just said, "not much" and she seemed a little put off that I didn't have a never-ending supply of new topics for her to comment on and then discard. She's cute and I'm pretty sure she wants to get naked, but I think I'm going to cancel.
loveflower Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 It's a very difficult thing sometimes, I'm easygoing and can be quiet, but I do need good conversation at some point. I dated a girl who I met through a friend, she was a travel agent and would fly me to see her (she lived in another state) she was so quiet I couldn't take it. The last time I saw her I tested her and never said a word the hour ride to the airport, neither did she...one long uncomfortable ride. That was the last time I saw her. So OP I totally get you. Silence makes me uncomfortable...it would take me some conscious effort not to talk in rides with people, even strangers in a carpooling situation.
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