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I'm afraid I will end up regretting that I stayed with him.

blacksherrypit

By blacksherrypit
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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blacksherrypit New Member

blacksherrypit

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Posted

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, living together for 2. He is a very sensitive, supportive and loving person. I love him dearly I don't have any other family so our relationship is pretty much my solace. He comes from a beautiful and loving traditional family, and we are opposites in many ways. He is a pretty levelheaded person, we argue of course and a lot of our issues are my issues, unresolved ones. Now in comparison to his upbringing, I have some pretty ****ed up feelings and issues (abandonment, abuse, insecurities) that I live with. It is a struggle to be a better person, and I have overcome a ton of **** in my life, but I do have demons. He is great when it comes to listening and comforting, but at times he’s equally crazy. There are things he will never understand about me. I am master of suppressing my feelings and I know thats unhealthy, but regardless he loves me and we work through things. We’re a good team, he works hard to make me happy but he gets caught up in superficial things and forgets that sweetness and romance is all I really want. I am a damn good housewife, there is nothing I won't do to please him because I know how lucky I am, but sometimes I feel like I things go unappreciated. As far as attraction, I find him cute but never have I had a crazy attraction towards him. We both know that I am the looker in the relationship but that has never defined us in anyway, I try to make him feel as secure as possible because I truly don’t have eyes for anyone else. We’ve been faithful and honest to one another. Now I prefaced that because it is everything I consider and weigh before I bring up what I feel like I am missing. I definitely miss being an independent women but I’ve given up individual dreams for shared ones. Now as a person that has never had a stable relationship in my life, commitment means a whole lot. We live together and share our lives but I have always wanted marriage. Now, since we first got together he made it clear that marriage is a sham, "its society's pressure to label everything". His favorite line right there and I don't agree with it. We argue a fair amount about this. He likes to shut me up by saying if it's that important we can go down to city hall tomorrow and make it official. But that’s clearly not what I want. In the past few weeks since our last anniversary, I have found myself daydreaming about a proposal that I know is never going to happen. I’m afraid that more years are going to go by and one day I will wake up and regret that I didn’t do something sooner and some of my best years will be behind me. Now I am 25, he’s 27; we have good jobs, great friends, a beautiful little apartment, and pets, like it’s all there. I don’t know if I’m asking for too much? And I have to say, it’s not like I want to get married tomorrow, I just want the promise, to know it’ll happen for me, for us. We’re basically there already I don’t know what more can go right or wrong. Now, I don’t want to give him ultimatums because forcing him to do things won’t solve anything and probably just cause resentment. I’ve been thinking of moving out. If were meant to be, we will be and if not then sadly that’s ok too. I think that I might be happier living on my own, but still in a relationship with him. He keeps telling me I will be unhappy with or without marriage. I don’t know but at this point I don’t have anything to lose. If he leaves me because of this then he’s not the man I want anyways. I don’t want to hurt him, but the more we keep fighting the more disillusioned I get. He thinks I want to be out there ****ing and partying but I just need sometime to figure things out. I still want to be with him; maybe not living together will help us take the next step. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t want to marry me and I don’t know how long to wait for him to make up his mind.

Raya1234 Member

Raya1234

Posted
Posted

Do you feel he is the one? Is it more the marriage that you want or is it him? That's a very important distinction. This is not a superficial issue to be taken lightly either. It seems you are young and still have some time to figure it all out, maybe in time it will become clearer.

spanz1 Established Member

spanz1

Posted
Posted

given you had some bad times in the past, I could see why you would want the stability of a formal marriage.

 

 

Unfortunately there is a growing "trend" in society to blow the whole marriage thing off, even to the point of having children while living together, but still stubbornly refusing to get married.

 

 

You are young, and he does seem to be a very stabilizing force in your life. that is good. but your saying you are attractive still (implying you could find another man quickly) makes me wonder if you are really in love with this man, or just like the stability in your life. And maybe HE senses that and is reluctant to marry someone whom he wonders is committed to the long term?

 

 

for now, maybe just go with the flow, but really ask yourself what you need in a relationship. and for gawds sake, do not have kids with this guy until you have figured it all out!

  • Like 1
Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
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Well, he may be the one for you or not..who knows? The fact remains that you're incompatible as he sees no point in getting married and that's something you very much want.

 

You're both entitled to your opinions, nothing wrong with that.

 

I think if you stay with him his mind isn't going to change but you may just end up with that forced marriage at city hall because he finally gave in. I don't want to be married to anyone who had to be cajoled, begged, forced, nagged, or threatened into it. I have much more pride and it appears you do as well. Good for you.

 

I will repeat what another poster said - do NOT have kids with him. If marriage is a 'sham' then so is having kids, buying a house together and everything else he wants to do just LIKE a married couple. Pfffft.

  • Like 2
berniev Established Member

berniev

Posted
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Why do people still want to get married in this day and age is beyond me. I would marry for one and only reason: money.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
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Many people who want to marry, will enter into a cohabitation arrangement under the guise that it is a stepping stone towards marriage.

 

This is a false assumption however and it often ends up actually delaying marriage at best and completely circumventing at worst.

 

Cohabitation benefits those who want the convenience and companionship of marriage as well as sharing rent and expenses, bit do not want the legal and social commitments of marriage.

 

The old grandmother saying of ,"why buy the cow if you are getting the milk for free." Is very true here. In this case, your BF does not believe in marriage and does not want it. There for by providing him the benefits of marriage (ie sex, companionship, shared living expenses) but holding him to none of the commitments or obligations of marriage, you have effectively reduced your chances of getting married many times over.

 

He now has no reason to marry. He gets the milk for free so no need to purchase a cow.

 

You've kind of screwed yourself if marriage is your end goal. At best you've delayed by many years since you are now simply playing house without any of the obligations or responsibilities. He now has no incentive to marry and take on those obligations.

  • Like 4
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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^^^Well put.

 

Had the same thought, OP most of the steps you've taken are counter-productive to your goal. As things stand now, certainly don't see marriage in your immediate future.

 

Time to re-think your approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

Babs22 Established Member

Babs22

Posted
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I could just copy and paste my reply to the thread, Boyfriend doesn't want to get married. Apparently, you two are struggling with the same problem. I was you over 20 years ago. I lived with my now husband for 5 years after dating him for 3. Most of that time, I was going to college and so put all my thoughts of getting married on hold, and wondering the same thing as you, will he ever ask me to marry him? Now I have a lot of resentments. I resent that he always told me that marriage was just a piece of paper. I resent the fact that I got pregnant while not married, I resent the fact that after getting pregnant, I asked him if he thought we should get married and he said, "sure". I resent the fact that I never got proposed to. I have always felt that he didn't want to marry me, but got stuck with me.

 

Don't make those mistakes. I believe if a guy loves you, he would want to show the world how he feels. he would want to show me how he feels. Now 20 years later, I am tired of not feeling loved, about not being good enough to ask me. You too will have resentments if you keep bringing it up and he doesn't ask you. When he finally does ask you, you will wonder if you pestered it out of him. You want marriage and you want security and you want a family. I don't think you will get it from him, or you will resent it because you practically had to beg him what some other guy might be thrilled to do. I agree that living with the guy lets him have the married relationship without actually doing the deed. Good luck.

  • Like 1
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted
I could just copy and paste my reply to the thread, Boyfriend doesn't want to get married. Apparently, you two are struggling with the same problem. I was you over 20 years ago. I lived with my now husband for 5 years after dating him for 3. Most of that time, I was going to college and so put all my thoughts of getting married on hold, and wondering the same thing as you, will he ever ask me to marry him? Now I have a lot of resentments. I resent that he always told me that marriage was just a piece of paper. I resent the fact that I got pregnant while not married, I resent the fact that after getting pregnant, I asked him if he thought we should get married and he said, "sure". I resent the fact that I never got proposed to. I have always felt that he didn't want to marry me, but got stuck with me.

 

Don't make those mistakes. I believe if a guy loves you, he would want to show the world how he feels. he would want to show me how he feels. Now 20 years later, I am tired of not feeling loved, about not being good enough to ask me. You too will have resentments if you keep bringing it up and he doesn't ask you. When he finally does ask you, you will wonder if you pestered it out of him. You want marriage and you want security and you want a family. I don't think you will get it from him, or you will resent it because you practically had to beg him what some other guy might be thrilled to do. I agree that living with the guy lets him have the married relationship without actually doing the deed. Good luck.

 

 

While sad and discouraging, this post was very well spoken and very expressive.

 

Now you have heard basically the same thing from both male and female perspectives.

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